"Tommy…" My voice falters as I stand completely frozen in place. His eyes cut straight through me and I quickly feel my panic dissolve into immense, undeniable shame.
"I see," His statement is curt, but speaks volumes. He looks slowly between me and his brother as though he waits for one of us to speak. Joel stands behind him in the dining room with his arms crossed, expression stoic. "Looks like you won't have to go all that far to find her."
"Tommy, let me explain -" I try to tell him, but he turns his back to me and heads for the door.
"I gotta get the others. Get goin' to the stables!"
The front door slams shut behind him. At first, neither Joel nor I move, stuck in place exactly where he left us. Time feels like a blur, yet only a few minutes have passed. It all happened so quickly, from Joel following me into the kitchen to Tommy's sudden appearance at the door. If I had just left the kettle alone instead of panicking, we may be in a very different position now…
"We should go," I start moving toward the doorway. I can pick up my clothes from his bedroom floor and grab a better jacket from my house. Riding through the night will be freezing and I am not going out unprepared. Adrenaline courses through me and causes my stomach to clench and head to spin. "We shouldn't keep them waiting…"
"Hey," Joel grabs my arm when I pass, "Talk to me. Are you okay?"
"It's all going to be fine," I turn back toward him but don't remove my arm from his grasp. "They can't have made it very far and we have enough patrol groups to cover each area…"
"I mean about what just happened, with Tommy," He clarifies. His fingers loosen around my arm and I notice the softness of his expression. He is worried, though whether it is about me or the situation at hand I am unsure.
"He was going to find out eventually, right? I just…I just didn't picture it going quite like that. It's my fault. I should have left the damn kettle alone, I just reacted without thinking…"
"Nothing is anyone's fault," Joel insists, sliding his hand from my arm to my shoulder and looking intently into my eyes. "No one did anything wrong, so there is no fault to be had."
But it feels wrong, like I have betrayed someone who has gone above and beyond to give me a place to call home. The shame gnaws at my insides despite all my attempts to push it aside.
"We really do need to go," I remind him, returning to my hunt for clothes. "Those kids won't stand a chance. We have to find them."
We move quickly. Joel gets dressed and grabs his gear as I throw on my clothes and run back to my house for more adequate attire and my own supplies. Normally the thought of riding out in the middle of the night would terrify me, but I can only focus on my drive to find Adam and Sidney.
By the time I am heading out for the stables, Joel is only a few steps ahead of me. I hasten my stride to catch up with him, walking quietly together through the crisp night air. When we arrive, everyone is too busy saddling up and receiving orders to care that we entered together. There is a frantic, chaotic energy to the air as the patrols are given assignments. Maria stands by the wall where the giant map of Teton County hangs, placing pins in different areas and giving directions loudly to each group that comes in.
"Good, you're here," She addresses Joel as we approach, nodding in my direction to acknowledge me. "We're keeping a few pairs back. It's not smart to send all of our defenses out at once. Joel, you're going out with Tommy - he's got instructions for you and is waiting by the gate."
"Thanks, Maria," Joel gives me a reassuring look before stepping away and going to find Tommy. Maria wastes no time giving my assignment.
"You're staying back,"
"What?" Her direction takes me off guard. She waits a moment before explaining further.
"You're staying back," She repeats. "It's not smart to send everyone out in one night. We need groups ready to go out tomorrow if necessary or be in place should an emergency - or another emergency, I should say - should arise."
She's right. If we send every trained patrolman out at once, we exhaust our resources and leave Jackson vulnerable. Just because two kids went missing does not mean we're immune to other threats. The only response I can muster is a slow nod, watching as the others hustle around me to head out on their middle-of-the-night mission.
"Eugene already gave me a fit about it," Maria sighs, hands resting on her hips. "But I want you both to hang back. Get some rest and be ready for whatever the morning holds. It'd be great if you could help get breakfast together for everyone. We need to give their families as much support as possible…"
"Of course, Maria," I assure her. "I'll go home and get some sleep and head over to prep breakfast in a few hours."
"I'm sorry Joel woke you up and had you come all the way out here," She tells me.
"It's okay, really," I shrug, but I realize my reaction is inappropriately calm. From Maria's perspective, I should be furious. I should be annoyed that he came to my house in the middle of the night and disrupted my rest. She has no idea what was actually happening or how he was not the one who did the interrupting tonight…
If she suspects anything, I wouldn't know. She's gone before I can correct and muster any fake irritation. There are much bigger problems to solve right now than deciphering my ever complicated relationship to her brother-in-law.
The walk back home is silent. The only interruptions that cross my path are the occasional sounds of hushed conversation and footsteps as people move around at this unusually late hour. But this is an unusual night - people don't run away from Jackson, especially not the kids. My thoughts race in a continual spiral of anxiety, worrying about Adam and Sidney out alone in the surrounding woods and the fact that I have absolutely no idea what Tommy might say to Joel. All I can do is wait, and that lack of control almost scares me more.
I am so exhausted sliding into my bed that I barely remove my clothes. The last day feels like an entire lifetime squeezed into the span of a few hours, and I am ready to collapse. If my worst anxieties are realized I should at least be partially rested to face them.
—-
The alarm clock shrieks from the side of my bed. It has only been a few short hours since I fell asleep and it takes a moment for my eyes to actually open. I am not as young as I used to be and these are the moments when my body reminds me with violent adamancy.
The water streams from the shower head like shards of ice. My spine stiffens painfully in reaction, but I force myself to hold out and shock the exhaustion out of my system. I couldn't have gotten more than four hours of sleep, so it is going to be a long day. I'd give anything to lay back down for a few more hours, but I know that isn't an option. The plus side of breakfast preparation is that it can be a very isolated assignment while each item is prepped.
In the midst of my extreme exhaustion, anxiety takes root in the deepest parts of my chest and the silence of my house feels deafening. Even though I only slept a few hours, any number of changes could have taken place in that time. I have no idea where anyone is at this given moment or what conversations have taken place. Have they found the kids? Has Tommy confronted Joel? Did the entire patrol overhear them and now our secret is out? Not knowing feeds my worry even more. The only way to get answers is to get moving and go into town.
Along the horizon, a thin layer of light begins to burn along the mountain tops as the sun prepares to rise. The peaks are barely visible through the waning darkness outside my windows as I open the drapes in the living room before going to the kitchen. One of the rocking chairs which sits in a pair on my porch rocks with a gentle, steady pace. At first, I think it is caused by the wind, but then I realize it is not empty after all. I bring my knuckles to the chilled glass pane and they turn their head in response and nod understandingly when I point to the front door.
"We gotta stop meeting like this," I try to joke as I open the door and let Tommy in, but the tension between us is obvious. His unusual silence is unsettling and leaves me unsure of what to do, so I say the only thing that comes to mind. "Do you want some tea?"
"Wouldn't hurt," He nods and follows me into the kitchen. He takes a seat on one of the mismatched bar stools at the center island as I fill the kettle. Neither of us speak while we wait, so I keep my back turned for him and prepare the cups while the water boils. The whistling steam that shoots from the spout makes my skin crawl momentarily as my mind goes back to last night. I sit the mug down in front of him and watch and he runs a thumb contemplatively along the rim.
"I talked to Joel,"
He looks up at me as he makes his statement and watches my reaction. A slow, intentional breath pulls through my nostrils and I take one sip from my mug before stepping into this inevitable conversation.
"What did he tell you?"
"Not much, actually," Tommy sighs. "Said he'd let you tell me about it all. That you valued privacy and he didn't want to betray your trust, or somethin' like that."
"I was the one who said we shouldn't tell you. I didn't really give Joel a choice, if I'm honest." My confession comes slowly as I contemplate my next words. "You know how people gossip, Tommy. I wasn't ready for that."
"I do know," He confirms. "But Maria and I, we ain't just people. Or at least I thought we weren't…"
"I didn't know how to tell you. But that's on me, not him. If you're going to be mad at someone, be mad at me, not Joel." My tone takes a desperate turn as I make this request.
"Why don't you just tell me your side of this," Tommy leans on his elbows against the counter with the mug positioned between his hands. He waits patiently for me to speak and I know what I have to do. I purse my lips as I try to decide where to start - how much is too much at this point? - before leaning back against the counter.
"Joel and I started talking when he finished building the chicken coop," I decide to go all the way back and leave no stone unturned. "Not with the intention of starting anything, but just being polite. He offered me a cup of coffee that he got from Eugene and we talked on his back porch. He told me he knew I didn't like him, but you liked me and Ellie liked me and that meant I was someone worth knowing."
"That sounds like Joel…" A slight smile crosses Tommy's face.
"The more we talked, the less I hated him," I admit. "Then that night I sat out in the barn with Rosie, he showed up too. He brought me a blanket and we played cards and I guess that was when things changed a little. We started playing cards a couple of nights and just talking. I told you that after we decided to bring Joel onto leadership, remember? I was honest with you about that much."
"You were, but you failed to mention that you were doin' more than just talking."
"Because we weren't doing anything more than talking at that point," I re-emphasize the point. "Nothing happened until after that damn museum trip."
From there, I tell him everything. I recount the museum, from the runner taking me down to divulging the details of my past around the fire as he stitched my arm shut to coming home and not having any idea how to speak to each other knowing things had changed. I tell him how I stormed into Joel's house after the leadership meeting demanding answers and not only got them, but stayed the night. He nods slowly as I speak, taking in each word silently as I continue.
"I'm sorry, Tommy," The apology flows at the end of my explanation and releases a new wave of guilt from deep within. "I never wanted to hurt you or lie to you. But I also never saw this situation being a thing and I panicked. I was embarrassed."
"I know you didn't," He admits, the empty mug between his hands resting against the counter as he speaks. "I just wish you didn't feel like this was somethin' you had to hide. Sure, it would have been a shock, but damn…we would've been happy for you, for both of you…"
The anger I expected from him is nowhere to be found, but instead his demeanor is one of profound disappointment, which is actually worse. Of course Tommy would have been happy about this, after he got over the initial shock. After months of walking on eggshells around me believing I'd lose my cool about Joel at any moment, it must be a relief to know that the feelings between us are not resentment at all.
"You're happy? You and Joel?" Tommy stares me straight in the eyes and waits expectantly for my answer. "Cause you were pretty convinced that he was beyond forgiveness, so somethin' made that change."
"I love him," At this point, there is no reason to be dishonest with him. The look on his face is almost what I expected with the intensity of my response, but there is an emotion present that I cannot quite place. He almost looks nervous, but I cannot say I would blame him if so. "We say it all the time, right? Jackson is a place where people find second chances. So here's the second chance, whether I intended to give it to him or not."
"You love him…" Tommy repeats, his hand brushing a few stray hairs from his face as his mouth tightens. "Joel's a good man. I know it took awhile for you to see that, but life ain't been fair to him. I wish you could've known him before. Before Sarah died and the world ended…I want you both to be happy, and if bein' together does that, then I support you. I just want…I just want you both to be careful, ya know? There's a lot of life that's been lived between us all, a lot of mistakes that've been made."
"I know, Tommy. And I told him about Atlanta, about my brother…about being a smuggler." It's been years since I have spoken so plainly about my past with him and his face displays his feelings of alarm at my honesty. "Joel saved my life at that museum. The least I could do was be honest with him."
"I get it. And I'm proud've you for tellin' him, because I know that ain't easy for you. Just remember what I said, okay?"
He's being cagey. Maybe he's hiding something or maybe I am just paranoid, but something isn't right with him. It doesn't help that I am running on minimal sleep and not thinking with full clarity already.
"I'm running late. I told Maria I'd help prep breakfast," As I set my empty mug down in the sink, I remember why we are in this situation in the first place. "Did you find Adam and Sidney?"
Tommy only shakes his head. He doesn't need to say anything else. Their odds were always poor, but the likelihood of those kids surviving on their own is little to none. This is not the outcome anyone was hoping for, so I need to be prepared for what that means walking into the community center in only a few moments.
"You need to tell Maria," Tommy rises from his seat and slides his jacket pockets.
"That you didn't find them?"
"About you and Joel."
"You haven't told her?" I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It has not exactly been the night for discussing these kinds of things.
"Not my business to tell her. I've gotta agree with Joel on this one - you need to do it. But it needs to be soon, because I don't like keepin' things from my wife."
"I understand," I follow him toward the front door while thinking through how this request should play out. It feels so trivial to pull her aside to share this news amidst the tragedy currently gripping our community - but he's right, and it can't be kept from her much longer. "I'll find a way to tell her today."
He doesn't walk with me to the community center, but instead decides to head home to clean up and try to rest. There will be a lot of unknowns ahead as long as Adam and Sidney are missing, which likely means an emergency leadership meeting will be called. Their families will be looking for answers.
Despite the size of the crowd gathered inside, the community center is uncomfortably quiet. Whispers and soft voices carry through the space from small clusters of people gathered around tables. They sip from steaming mugs and wait patiently for breakfast to be served. I waste no time getting into the kitchen, where the others are already hard at work. Tara wastes no time putting me to work. She hands over a dish towel and paring knife and sends me to help peel and slice apples for the batch of oatmeal she is tending.
Usually the kitchen is filled with excited chatter as everyone works, but just like the rest of the center, it is unusually quiet. Nervous energy only continues to build the tension hanging so thick in the air. Building a rhythm of peeling and slicing provides a tiny bit of comfort and grounds me for a moment so I can begin to collect my thoughts.
Two teenagers from Jackson are missing. Tommy not only knows about me and Joel, but saw me half naked in his kitchen…and I have to tell Maria the truth. It feels so trivial in light of the current situation, but I know delaying it would only do more harm than good. I should just tell her and rip the band aid off, so to speak. Then we can move on from this situation that is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
By the time I finish slicing the apples, Maria still has not been seen. I'm sure there is plenty to do as the patrols rotate to cover new areas in hopes of finding the teens. With all the food prepared, we move the bowls and pots into formation to begin serving the families waiting so patiently in the main meeting space.
"Did you go out last night?" Ellie pours a heavy scoop of steaming oats into the bowl before her and hands it to the boy in line. "To look for them?"
"No," I shake my head, pulling another bowl from the stack and dipping my ladle into the pot. "I showed up to be sent out, but Maria sent me home. Wanted me here this morning."
"Oh," She is unusually quiet, even for a situation as tense as this.
"How are you holding up?" There is a lull in the line of people waiting for food, so I turn to face her slightly and assess her body language. She simply shrugs and continues working, finding ways to keep her hands busy and eyes away from my own. "Do you know Adam or Sidney really well?"
"Not really," She replies. "I've seen them around, but we never talked much. So I don't know why they did it, if that's why you're asking."
"It's not," I assure her. "I don't think anyone knows why they did it…"
"It's fucking stupid…" Ellie's voice drops to a raspy whisper. Her jaw tenses and I can see how she shifts her weight from foot to foot. She knows firsthand the dangers they potentially face and how poor their odds of survival are. They grew up within the safety of Jackson's walls, a stark contrast to her experience in a QZ.
"There are a lot of people out looking for them," I lower my voice out of respect for their families sitting nearby. The last thing I want is for them to hear us speculating on the likelihood of their children's survival. "Don't give up on them just yet."
Ellie does not get a chance to refute. The community center doors open and the atmosphere of the room shifts as a wave of people begin to enter. The patrol groups are back and everyone is anxious to hear of any possible updates they may bring. For the first time all morning, conversations rise above a hushed tone and fill the room with ambient chatter.
Maria brings up the rear of the group, closing the double doors behind her without breaking from the seemingly intense conversation in which she is engaged. Joel is listening intently as she talks, arms crossed at his chest as he offers the occasional nod. They make their way toward the table where Ellie and I are serving and I feel my throat begin to slowly constrict.
He looks tired. It's very likely he has yet to sleep since heading out in the middle of the night and I have no idea how far they searched. As they step closer, I can see the dark circles forming under his eyes.
"Thank you for being here," Maria greets me with her gratitude though it is delivered with a flat tone. "I'm glad you were able to get some rest."
"Any news on the kids?" I ask her, taking the bowls from Ellie and watching the steam float through the air between us as I hand one each to Maria and Joel.
"Nothing yet," Her voice is low, almost somber, and I've known her long enough to recognize the hint of worry coming through. "We brought everyone back for now, just until we can reassess our strategy. We'll dispatch paired patrols again this afternoon after we've had time to plan it out."
"You look fucking terrible," Ellie looks Joel up and down, frowning. The humor does little to hide her concern
"Watch it, kiddo," It sounds like he wants to laugh, but instead only an exhausted breath escapes him.
"You should get some rest," I add, and he looks in my direction as he holds the warm bowl of oatmeal in one hand. "Not saying anything about how you look, just making an observation…"
"I've already told him to head home after this," Maria clarifies. "I'm not trying to wear down our lead patrolman this early in our search."
"It's a wonder I made it this far in life without all y'all tellin' me what to do," He jokes, the end of his statement crackling wearily. "I'll be fine."
Maria begins to lead him away before anyone responds, continuing their strategy discussion with admittedly appropriate urgency. Seeing them together only reminds me of the conversation she and I need to have, but now hardly seems the time. How self centered must someone be to pull a person from a matter of literal life and death just to tell them about their new relationship?
"You know that I know, right?"
Ellie is staring at me with the slightest hesitation on her face while she waits on my response. Her eyes wander over to Joel and back to me and I realize what she means.
"Oh, um…" She isn't the person I expected to be having this discussion with at the moment, so I am not prepared.
"Look, we don't need to talk about it, because honestly it's fucking gross, but I know and you don't need to like hide it or whatever." She continues, trying to keep the topic as cryptic as possible as another group approaches to pick up their food.
"How long have you known?" There is no use in denying it and her blunt assessment actually brings needed levity that elicits the smallest smirk.
"I don't know, but I guess I always kind of suspected? It's kind of fucking obvious, but maybe it's just me. Like I said, we don't need to talk about it."
"Well, you brought it up," I remind her, tossing a sarcastic look her way and watching how she rolls her eyes.
"And now I wish I hadn't. Huge fucking mistake."
"We don't have to talk about it," I agree. "But if you ever decide you want to, you just let me know."
"I don't see any situation where that will happen, but I appreciate the offer," She laughs, handing out one of the last bowls. "Looks like we're done here."
"It would seem so," I take a visual sweep of the room to confirm and begin packing away the serving utensils. Tommy has joined Maria and Joel at a nearby table and a few empty seats remain around them, which may create the perfect opportunity to get this conversation over with. Maybe tackling it together would be easier, then he can go get some sleep and I can stop worrying.
By the time Ellie and I have returned everything to the kitchen and cleaned up, only Tommy and Maria are left at the table. Initially, there is a twinge of disappointment. Last night and this morning were a complete whirlwind and the idea of being able to sit with him for even a moment felt like a much needed comfort.
We are all exhausted, even those of us who were able to get a little bit of sleep. Tommy clearly did not do much other than clean himself off before coming to find his wife and I have no idea how long Maria has been running at this point. Neither speaks as I sit down across from them, but the silence is a natural pause. No words are needed. We are all thinking the same thing: the odds of finding Adam and Sidney are not great, and we have to decide what we do going forward.
"So give me the truth," I finally speak, keeping my voice low as people begin to move about in various states of finishing their meal. "How is this whole search actually going?"
"Not ideal," Maria admits, confirming my suspicions. "None of the patrol groups have found them, though they did spot tracks going toward the ski lodge area. But they lost them once they got closer to the town, down near the old hotel and shops. And they also got held up by infected, which is not what we wanted to see."
"You don't think…?"
Tommy cuts me off before I can finish my question, nervously watching behind me as he spots Adam's parents in conversation with another family.
"There's no use in speculatin'," He interjects. "We're gonna gather everyone later and try talkin' through everything, see if we can't ease their minds a little."
My stomach feels sick, clenching and filling me with unease. The patrols not only lost track of them, but came across infected…none of this is setting up for the outcome we wanted and the grim reality we potentially face is looking more and more likely by the minute.
"I should speak to the families," Maria follows Tommy's line of sight and begins to rise, but he places a hand on her arm and begins to stand himself. He urges her to sit back down and throws a stern look in my direction.
"Let me talk to 'em. I think there's somethin' the two of you need to discuss first."
He leaves Maria and I alone at the table, the confusion in her expression as evident as the discomfort in mine. Leave it to Tommy to make this conversation as uncomfortable as possible, even without being present.
"Do you know what he's talking about?" Maria seems almost amused, turning her attention to me once she sees he is engaged with the family.
"Yeah, I do," I nod slowly and nervously drag my lips between my teeth. "There's something I need to tell you, and the timing feels a little inappropriate, but clearly it's important to Tommy that you know now…"
"What's up?" Maria softens her posture at my unusually nervous demeanor. My palms lay flat against the table top in an attempt to steady myself as a new wave of anxiety bubbles up within me.
"It's not bad. Well, I don't think it is, but you can make your own opinion…I just know I need to tell you now because otherwise Tommy will, and I don't know what that would even be like…" I'm rambling. My eyes refuse to meet hers as I talk, focused intently on keeping my hands as still as possible. She waits for me to continue and allows space for my thoughts to come together from the chaotic babble I am currently spitting out. "Um, well, I…I'm just going to say it, and you have full permission to laugh at me and call me a hypocrite or whatever else comes to mind, because it's true and I can admit that…"
"I would never laugh at you, let's make that perfectly clear," She tilts her head forward slightly to emphasize her point. "But go ahead. You can tell me."
"Joel and I are…together," The words fall from my tongue like lead, leaving behind a feeling of weightlessness followed by immense fear. They cannot be taken back, only received with who knows what kind of response. I watch her face intently as she takes them in, but her expression does not change.
"Okay." She nods, taking this news as if I had told her something as mundane as the morning weather report.
"Okay?" The lack of any kind of emotion is not even remotely close to any response I expected to this news. "That's all you have to say about that? Not a 'what the hell are you talking about?' or a 'I don't believe you' or 'Didn't you introduce yourself to the man by essentially threatening to kill him?' Seriously?"
"I don't know why you expect me to be surprised," She shrugs, the softest laugh escaping as she shakes her head at me.
"Because I didn't exactly make it a secret that I hated him, even before he showed up in Jackson. We've spent years talking about the horrible things he's done and I threw a tantrum like a small child when he came back."
"You also agreed to travel alone with him for an entire week and never said a word against having him involved in leadership," This time she does chuckle as she recalls the next thought. "And a couple weeks ago when we had you both and Ellie over for dinner, he made you a drink without asking and you accepted it without questioning why he made it or what was in it. I've known you long enough to recognize when you trust someone, and the way you carry yourself around Joel is with anything but hate."
First Ellie and now Maria. Granted, these are two of the people who know Joel and I the best out of everyone, and Tommy was still taken completely off guard. But I am beginning to wonder if this secret I have worked so hard to keep hidden is not so secret after all. If a simple exchange of a drink over dinner is telling, what else has made people suspect?
The museum, clearly. That was my first mistake. Taking off with the man on a week-long trip together was like shouting our relationship from the highest peak in the Tetons. But when I agreed to go, there was nothing going on between us. Everything took place after that. Agreeing to that trip guaranteed a shaky foundation for any attempt of keeping our situation quiet.
"Tommy had no idea," I explain to her. "When he came to get Joel last night, I was in his kitchen…which is not the easiest thing to explain when it's the middle of the night."
"Are you telling me that Tommy saw you naked?" The horror on my face in response to her question elicits a laugh which is inappropriately loud for the situation at hand, but seeing Maria take a moment of reprieve from her stress as a leader is a rare thing.
"No! I was not naked. I mean, I didn't have on pants, but his shirt was long enough to cover everything -" I stop talking when I realize what I am saying and Maria quiets her laughter, laying a hand on top of mine from across the table.
"Thank you for telling me. Whether I suspected or not, it's nice to know for sure. I know we give you a hard time about being stubborn, but when you do forgive someone, you love them with an intensity that few people get to experience. It's one of the things I love most about you, and to know that that passion can extend to forgiveness even for the things Joel has done is really moving."
"I mean, I'm not really in a place to cast the kind of judgment I initially gave when I was also a smuggler myself," I cannot quite interpret the emotion on her face as I speak, once again speaking about my past with unusual candor. "But thanks, Maria. Only Tommy and Ellie know, well…and Eugene, because he pointblank asked me and the old man figures out everything. I want to talk with Joel before it's something we all just openly discuss, you know?"
"Of course, of course," She pats my hand before standing up herself. "Talk with him, get some rest, and we'll all figure out where we go from here. I'm going to talk with Adam and Sidney's families and make sure they have what they need."
I am alone at the table when she leaves, left sitting in the reality I have created for myself. This information I held so dear is becoming more and more known, the circle of protection I have carefully built around my life growing and expanding with each person who knows. Before this information continues to be shared and that circle is allowed to grow more, there is a crucial conversation that needs to take place - I need to know how Joel truly feels and how he wants to share this change in our dynamic with the rest of this community.
I let myself in the front door of Joel's house and immediately hear the creaks of his heavy steps from the room above. Most likely he came home to shower and will not actually rest until we have more definitive answers on plans for bringing the kids home.
"They know," I announce, walking into his bedroom and plopping down into the shabby armchair in the corner. Joel emerges from the closet, hair damp and disheveled as he finishes buttoning the fresh flannel shirt he pulled from the shelf.
"Who knows what?" He asks, cursing under his breath when the aged threads holding the button in place snap and send it clattering against the wood floors.
"Maria and Ellie," I tell him and watch as he sets the button in a bowl on the dresser, choosing to leave the top button undone instead of sewing it back in place. "They know about us,"
"Tommy can't keep his damn mouth shut, can he?" Joel jokes, watching for my reaction as he leans against the frame of the arch separating the room.
"He wanted me to tell them. Well, he wanted me to tell Maria. Ellie apparently figured us out awhile ago and just told me,"
"She's a smart kid," He nods and I swear he almost looks proud. "She probably knew something was gonna to happen before either of us did."
"She told me she didn't want to talk about it because - and this is a direct quote - 'it's fucking gross'..." He seems to find her comment as amusing as I did since he chuckles softly as he shakes his head.
"That does sound like her…" He agrees. "What did Maria say when you told her?"
"She also wasn't surprised," My head rests against the back of the chair and for a moment my eyes begin to grow heavy. Those few hours of sleep were not enough, especially considering the emotional rollercoaster this entire day has taken me on. "I think I was a little too optimistic in my belief that we could keep things between us."
The way he smirks sends any worries I may have held shooting far, far from my mind. Where I am unsure, he is steady, reliably constant and calm in the places I am always riddled with doubt. He lowers himself to my level, elbow leaning against his knee as the other sits against the floor. His free hand rests against my knee and I can smell the fresh scent of soap lingering on his skin.
"Then maybe it's time for things to be not just between us," He squeezes gently as his thumb traces along the edge of my knee.
"Like tell people? Just let it be known that this is happening?" It's hard to shake the caution from my tone, but I know he is right.
"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean," He says. "Is there any reason we shouldn't?"
"Well, maybe," I tilt my head to face him and muster my most performative grimace. "It's pretty fucking gross,"
Joel shoves my knee playfully, pushing back up to his feet and shaking his head as he laughs. He turns back to face me, hands resting on his hips and expression amused. For the first time since Tommy came barreling into his kitchen, I feel myself beginning to relax ever so slightly. My mind is not racing with fear over the unknown, over the looming tragedy playing out in our usually safe town or the loosening grip of control I have kept over this deeply intimate aspect of my life. Right now, I am fully present in this moment, content to listen to the way his laughter fills the space with warmth and creates a temporary sanctuary from the troubles waiting just outside.
I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to sneak behind closed doors and overthink each tiny touch or passing glance and worry about how it may be interpreted to any observing eye. I don't want to maintain the facade of holding any sort of disdain for this man who has come into my life and uprooted everything I have known only to put the pieces back together in a way I never knew to be possible.
"I think Maria's going to call a town meeting later before sending anymore patrols out, to make sure everyone is on the same page and has the information straight," I tell him, picking nervously at a loose thread poking out of my shirt. "Should we show up together?"
"I reckon we should," He answers. "Maybe even sit together if you're feelin' real wild."
"Don't get too crazy now," I tease, sitting up in the chair and stretching the stiff muscles along my back. "You should try to get at least a little bit of sleep before then. I'll find out what they are planning and come back to get you up."
To my surprise, he does not argue, but pulls me into him as I head for the door and places one tender kiss against my temple, holding firm on my hips and pulling me in slowly. If either of us were less exhausted, it would be much more difficult to pull away, but without knowing what the rest of the day will hold we step apart and he makes his way to the bed alone. I crack the door behind me and slip out quietly to find out when this meeting will take place.
-
The old church building serves as the meeting space whenever a gathering of this size is called. Dark wood pews fill the room, split through the middle by threadbare green carpet leading to the pulpit freckled with chipped paint and splintering wood. The afternoon sun pours through the stained glass windows, multicolored spots of glowing light filling the room and illuminating the thin clouds of dust that rise from the floor with each step. The sense of dread in the air is heavy as everyone files in, murmurs and whispers carrying as they take their seats.
"We should probably find a seat," Joel gestures toward the rows in front of us and waits to follow my lead. My feet seem to fuse to the floor, rendering me unable to move. Now that the moment has actually arrived, I am much less confident in our decision to bring our relationship to light.
"Right…" I release a deep sigh and look up at him for reassurance. "Let's do it."
Joel's hand rests against the small of my back and I am acutely aware of his touch even through the layers of clothes protecting my skin from the frigid air. We file in behind the others, slowly working our way down the aisle to a row near the front where Tommy and Maria speak in hushed tones with Eugene and Robin. As we approach, Tommy spots us and motions to the empty spots next to him which were clearly saved for us. Joel's hand remains on my back as we slide into the row, moving only once we are seated and he slides his arm up to rest loosely around my shoulders. I feel the looks of the others around us and wonder if I am just being paranoid or if the whispers that seem to pick up are no longer just about the fact that Adam and Sidney have not been found.
"There you are," Robin turns and addresses me, pausing for a brief second when she sees how his arm wraps around me without any protest on my part. "I have something to ask of you."
"What's up?" I look skeptically between her and Maria, unsure of what this request may be.
"Jamie is awake," Robin explains. "She's still got a long road ahead of her, but she's staying awake for longer periods at a time."
"That's great," I tell her, waiting to hear what this could have to do with me. "Eugene was really worried about her, so he'll be happy to hear that."
"She wants to speak with you."
My eyes drop to the floor and focus on the worn down tread along the carpet where pieces of subfloor begin to peak through. Joel's arm shifts and I feel his hand against my upper arm, as if easing into a protective grip as he assesses my reaction.
"What does she want?" I keep my eyes on the floor and try to ignore the way my heart rate begins to anxiously rise.
"She just asked to see you," Robin speaks with a logical tone to her voice, unwavering in her collected demeanor. "You saved her life."
The situation with the kids and with Tommy walking in has been enough to keep my mind off the fact that someone from Atlanta made their way here, allowing me to pretend she does not exist. Joel gives my arm a reassuring squeeze and I close my eyes as my thoughts begin to race.
"Do you want me to come with you?" He asks quietly, leaning in toward my ear as his voice lowers. "You don't have to go do this alone."
"No, I'll be fine," I lie. I want nothing more than to take him with me, have someone else sitting in the room in case my worst fears are realized and I need to escape, but I know how that would look and I don't want to scare the woman. I was once in her exact position and each new face I encountered brought unease and confusion. "I'll go for a few minutes and then be back. I'll be fine."
He must know that I am saying this to reassure myself more than anything, but he does not push back or try to hold me down as I get up to follow Robin through the side door leading out to the courtyard. We leave Tommy and Maria behind to start the meeting and make our way out to the street. I pull my jacket tighter as the wind picks up and follow Robin in silence as she leads the way to where Jamie is staying during her recovery.
The walk is short, yet each step passes at an excruciating pace. When we arrive, Robin does not wait to provide any further context for the awaiting conversation. She simply leads me inside to the room where Jamie rests.
The scent of blood still lingers in the air but with sharp decline since the last time I came near. Jamie sits up in the bed, the blood and grime washed from her straw colored hair which is now pulled into a clean knot on top of her head. Her eyes are marked by dark circles and deep bruises and a large bandage seems to have been freshly attached along her hairline to cover another wound. A cup partially filled with water rests in her hands on her lap.
Robin pulls a chair up beside the bed as she introduces me officially. Jamie listens intently before cautiously turning to face me, our eyes meeting for the first time. A few years ago, I sat in her exact same place, alone and injured and completely unsure about everything and everyone around me.
"Hi Jamie," My smile is weak but sincere as I speak, the memory of my own distrust aiding my ability to keep an open mind. "I'm glad you're starting to recover. We were really worried about you for a minute there."
"So you're the person who saved me?" Her voice is hoarse, her lips swollen and cut.
"I am. Well, me and two others - Eugene and Jesse," I wonder why she has not asked to meet with them as well, considering I was not out alone when we found her. She takes a moment to continue, sipping feebly from the cup of water in her hands. The fluids do little to aid the coarse rasp of her voice and I wonder if the sound has little to do with her injury and is actually her natural tone.
"Robin says you're from Atlanta."
We're diving right in, it seems. Even with everyone's reassurance that nothing bad can happen, old survival skills do not just die out. It is unwise to immediately divulge the most intimate aspects of your history to a complete stranger even if they are severely injured in the bed before you.
"I came here from Atlanta," I confirm, but do not provide any more detail. "They said you did as well,"
"With my husband and our two friends," The way she speaks is almost robotic, the shock still clinging to her system and sharing the information as an unemotional fact. "We were going to Seattle, following these coordinates our connection there sent over the radio."
"What happened?" I ask bluntly, bracing as I expect to hear a story similar to my own.
"I'm not sure exactly. Everything had been going fine, then this storm came up out of nowhere. We were pelted by freezing rain and snow, pretty much blinded. We tried to stay together and find shelter, but the horses panicked. I guess that's how we got separated."
"You were lucky to find those cabins when you did," I tell her. "This area is beautiful, but the weather can be unforgiving. The snowfall was how we spotted you and knew the check inside."
Lucky is hardly the word. Robin observes our conversation from the doorway, keeping watch until she is confident Jamie's condition is stable. She does not respond, her eyes gazing blankly ahead. The cup turns slowly in her hands as she thinks, but what could be going through her mind is unknown.
Our stories are eerily similar, though some details slightly change. She left with her husband and was torn away by severe weather where I was only among friends and fell to a horde. Either way, we both came from the same place, and the reason for her departure is what keeps my anxiety stirring. Was she a smuggler as well? Our time in the QZ was years apart, so the odds of running in the same circles are incredibly low. Low, but not impossible.
"Are you happy here?" Her question is practically a whisper and her eyes continue to stare ahead. I look over to Robin with trepidation, unsure from where this question has randomly come.
"I am. At first, it was a really hard adjustment, but it gets easier. You find your place and your people and slowly your life comes back together. It just takes time."
And it does. I was once the terrified, injured runaway who made her way to Jackson and felt as though my life was over. It took weeks for the Millers to convince me that I truly was free to leave if I wanted and they were not holding me captive in a rogue military state. They provided me with a safe space to heal and get back on my feet. I got into the gardens and learned how to crochet and learned how to live instead of simply survive. The dangers of the world still exist, but defense is strategic and not reactive. I do my best to explain this to her, choosing carefully which details I share and reassuring her that a new start is possible.
"Jackson is a unique place," I tell her, concluding my story as she pays as close attention as she can manage. "You'll find your place, even if it takes longer than you expect."
Over the next month, Jamie recovers more smoothly than anyone could have ever believed. Her scrapes and cuts begin to close, leaving behind the same scars and marks that have become commonplace for us all. She learns to walk with support from a cane as the injuries to her leg prove to be the most severe. A house is prepared for her once Robin deems her stable enough to live alone and with each passing day, a new breath of life seems to fill her. It will be a while before the light fully returns to her eyes, but even in such a short time, she begins to carry herself with more confidence.
The early winter snows begin to fall and indicate the changing of seasons once again. Crops rotate through the greenhouses, the chickens get upgrades to their coop for the colder weather, and strings of colorful lights adorn the rafters of houses throughout the streets. While it will never be the opulent, commercialized displays of before, we do try to make something of the holiday season as much as we can. Families put up trees covered in homemade ornaments and share meals together with our version of holiday treats.
In the weeks following the town meeting, the atmosphere of Jackson shifts and burns with an underlying tension rarely experienced before. Adam and Sidney never came home and despite days of patrols, there was no sign of the teens anywhere near town. Their families were devastated, confused and angry, but the community showed up to support them in any way we could. Security around the gates was increased, not as a power move or show of authority, but to provide other families with peace of mind that their children may not make the same mistakes.
Aside from an occasional comment or two, the news of mine and Joel's relationship was a minor ripple in the water of everyday life. Much like Ellie, when we left for the museum together, others assumed there was more to the story and drew their own conclusions. The relief I feel over the secret being out is so much greater than I ever anticipated and leaves me wondering why I ever so strongly about hiding it in the first place. Instead of sneaking in the backdoor at night, I comfortably come and go through the front without any worry of who might see. At first, Ellie joins us for the occasional dinner or movie night, but I notice after a little while how she is beginning to withdraw. It is only natural that she would begin having her own life and relationships as she is finally allowed to have as normal of a life as possible for a teenage girl, but there is something about her demeanor that strikes me as odd. I guess Joel doesn't see it, because anytime I try to broach the subject he finds a way to shrug it off. Even though our relationship continues to grow, I still walk an awkward line when it comes to the dynamic between them and the surrogate parent role I've learned he plays in her life.
"Oh, damn it…" I growl under my breath, once again pulling the wool string to unravel the uneven stitches.
It is the week before Christmas and I gravely underestimated the time it would take to crochet this sweater, but I am determined to get it done in time and wrapped beneath the tree. The latest batch of yarn we had spun was dyed using pine and rendered a rich, yellow hue. Using the pattern books I've worn down through the recent years and the wooden hooks from Joel, I have worked tirelessly to get a sweater made for Ellie's gift, but time is running out and the stitches refuse to turn out in the correct count.
"Maybe you better plan on that being her birthday present," Joel teases, happily sipping from the mug in his hand. Eugene managed to pull off another one of his notorious trades and came back with his chest puffed out arrogantly as he offered Joel a bag of beans in exchange for help on a repair at his house.
"Maybe you should just drink your coffee and mind your business." I quip, beginning the row again and carefully counting each stitch. My yarn and books are spread across the loveseat, forcing Joel to sit alone in the chair across the living room. Since he has his cup of coffee to occupy him, he doesn't seem to mind.
Every once in a while our off days from the gardens and patrol align and we are able to enjoy a slow morning together. Eugene volunteered to go out with Jesse for the morning patrol, the first paired route for the younger man. They took off after dropping the coffee on the porch.
"I'm just kiddin'," Joel reassures me, as though I didn't catch onto his sarcasm before. "She'll love it, even if the sleeves aren't exactly how you want them."
"This row is off by a stitch every time and I can't figure out why…" I try to explain, reaching the end again and beginning to recount. Little does he know that part of the reason it is taking me longer than normal to finish this project is because it's not the only sweater I am making. Hiding my other work in progress has proven difficult since there has barely been a night that I have spent alone at home lately. My ambitious plan has been to make a sweater for both Ellie and Joel, but his may be the one that ends up as a birthday gift.
A knock on the front door echoes through the hall and Joel rises with a quiet groan to answer it. My stitch count is finally right, so I stay focused and begin the next round as the front door creaks open. Their voices are quiet, practically a whisper in their exchange before Joel and the visitor come around the corner.
"Are you at a place where you can take a break?" Joel asks me, grabbing his leather jacket from the coat rack and sliding his arm into the sleeve. Tommy stands next to him, fresh flakes of snow melting into his sleeves.
"I guess so. Why?" I carefully set the half finished sweater down carefully and tuck a bookmark into the pages of the book. Joel hands my jacket over as I stand, looking to Tommy for the answer.
"Jamie's people showed up," He sounds unsure, his voice concerned. "Eugene and Jesse found 'em out near the cabins, not all that far from where y'all found her."
Joel and I exchange a skeptical look, uncertainty mounting as Tommy continues to explain.
"They're in much better shape than she was, but they've been without supplies for a while. They're real thin and weak. Maria's down at the gate with 'em now, gettin' everything squared away. Sent someone to get Jamie too."
I can feel the blood draining from my face and an icy sensation seeping down from my head through the rest of my body. Time seems to slow down and a sense of panic brews within. I try my hardest to keep it at bay and wait until we know more before letting the worry consume me.
"Take me to them," I grab my boots from the door and begin sliding them on. I assume that's why he came, especially since Joel initiated putting on our coats. I need to get it over with and sate my concerned curiosity. If people from Atlanta are going to show up in Jackson, I need to see them before they see me.
"That's why I came," Tommy explains. "Figured you'd wanna meet 'em, them being from Atlanta and all."
"You sure about this?" Joel turns to me. He knows how challenging it has been for me to adjust to Jamie staying, so the idea of three more arriving is not exactly my favorite.
"I need to see them," I tell him. "Otherwise I'm just going to worry about it and drive myself insane."
Nothing the brothers say on the way to the front gate registers in my mind. I am too focused on keeping myself from devolving into a spiral of panic. The road feels like it grows three miles longer with every step, making our journey impossible.
The closer we get to the gates, the more clearly I can make out the crowd that has gathered.
Food, water and clean clothes are being brought over as Robin triages the new arrivals and frantic conversation takes place. I can barely make them out in the center of the group, wrapped in blankets as they sit on crates pulled over from the stable. All I can tell is that there are two men and one woman, their hair matted with dirt and wet from the falling snow.
"Have they said anything about how they made it? Or why they are here?" I finally speak as we come to a halt at the edge of the group and Tommy just shrugs in ignorance. Esther comes up behind us, leading Jamie through the crowd and motioning for others to move.
"Nick!" Jamie calls out desperately, moving as quickly as her injury allows with support from her cane. "Nick! Where is he?!"
My stomach drops violently and my throat constricts without warning, as if all the air has been sucked from my lungs.
"This way," Esther gets her to the middle of the group and I step up to follow them into the group. My face is tingling so severely I can barely feel it and my breath picks up to a manic speed. Joel sees my erratic behavior and steps forward, nearly bumping into the person in front of him as he attempts to follow.
Jamie drops her cane to the ground and all but throws herself into the frail, outstretched arms of the first man in the group. Tears stream down her face and a howling cry escapes her, a passionate mix of relief and elation. The man brings his hands to her face and clutches her cheeks in disbelief. As I step to the front of the crowd, I make out the details of his face, distinct even with hollow cheeks carved out by near starvation.
"Nick…" The name escapes before I can stop it, exhaled in a single, horrified breath. His eyes rise up to meet mine and his hands fall instantly from Jamie's face as he responds with a singular word:
My name.
"What is going on?" Joel steps up, placing a hand on my shoulder and squaring his posture defensively at the sight of our expressions. He addresses the man directly. "How do you know her, son?"
Before he can answer, white hot anger shoots through my veins and the answer leaves my mouth in a snarl.
"He's my brother."