Chapter 29

She wades through the raindrops.

By the time the sun rose over the outreaching buildings, Deya had managed to fall asleep, the fur of her face matted with the remnants of tears.

Aspenpaw stood watch over her though he dreaded being alone.

Even if danger came for them, there wasn't really anywhere to go in this alley, but Aspenpaw knew he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway without somebody keeping guard.

He kept flicking his eyes back to the still form behind him, hidden with him in the shadows.

Deya's breathing was harsh, but Aspenpaw didn't know what he could do about it.

He didn't want to wake her, he thought it would be more painful to be here than where she was.

Aspenpaw had spent all the time alone warding off awful thoughts.

His memory of the night was already fading, the trauma of the sights he witnessed too strong to register in his mind, but the feelings that all the bloodshed instilled in him still lingered on like a parasite.

There was still blood in his fur that he hadn't been able to wash out; now was the only time he hoped for rain.

He might have killed a cat last night, and that fact hung so heavily over Aspenpaw's head that he nearly collapsed.

He convinced himself over and over again that he had only injured the tom, broken his leg, and that if he had been abandoned there, it couldn't possibly be his fault anymore, but time and time again he regressed into the terrifying thoughts of the possibilities that might have actually transpired.

Aspenpaw was in one of these severe depressions when he suddenly heard, quietly called, his name,

"As?" He pivoted instantly to Deya.

She looked at him for a moment with wide, unsure eyes, then broke eye contact, "Could I ask you a question?"

"Yeah," Despite his reply, Deya was silent for quite a few seconds, only eventually getting out,

"I don' know how…"

"Just ask, it's fine," Aspenpaw couldn't deny his intense interest, but he tried to give Deya as much space as he could to let her speak.

She still didn't look him in the eye, strangely embarrassed in a way that Aspenpaw had never seen before. Finally, a word appeared on her lips, and from her throat spilled many more,

"I just, I've been, thinkin', a lot, and I've-I've heard a wind. Time keeps movin', an' every moment is largesse, but-but, it just goes by so fast! A-And I don't feel like I'm movin' with it; I don' feel like a good cat at all. I'm stuck 'tween bein' narcissistic an' empathetic. I find myself doin' both and I ca-I don't know how to quell it an' jus', be my own self. I feel like a jangly cannibal with twisted intestines. I used to sing hallelujah. I haven't singed in so long. I wonder what else left when Erie did, 'cause I've just been walkin' gingerly, needin' to vomit ever since. I heard 'bout ya, at first, I don' really remember, I guess through the chinks in the walls. I thought meself stuck as, stuck-up, ugh, I thought I was a goddess to any tom, a silver-star numen. I don' think I ever apologized for that; that was the most embarrassing thing I ever done, how I acted. I've never had good interactions with toms 'sides Erie, they always just wanted me for some reason or another, an' maybe I let that get to me or somethin', I don't know. An' then you were just a cat. Ya really helped bringin' me back from space, and I repaid it by eluding any sort o' emotions. I ignored your worries and Apollo died for it! I owed so much to her, as if she had delivered me 'erself, an' I couldn't even bother to be cautious when our lives were in the perils. But ya've been so good to me, even after all I've done. I feel like I'm jus' takin' it and takin' it, like a parasite. I wanna be symbiotic, an' I try my best, an' I don' wanna be away from you anymore. I wanna fight this out with you. I'm just so…Do you love me?"

"Of course I do," Aspenpaw touched his head to her's, and felt that wind that she had spoken of.

Deya still seemed embarrassed, saying, "I know, I'm sorry. I love you too. Some-Sometimes it's just good to hear it, ya know?"

"I'll tell you every day," Aspenpaw began to purr, and the action was reciprocated. He lied down beside his love and fell asleep against his control, so overwhelmed had he been all through the night.

Now he felt safe and discovered that their skin was soft, and even through his dreams, he could still feel her beside him all the time.

Despite all that Deya had argued for, she decided against pursuing the war party.

It seemed that that hope had been completely squashed when Ledivier abandoned them.

They decided to focus their energy on trying to find Aranyer and Roco, if they were still out here, that was.

It was night when they began moving, keeping low during the day in case of search patrols and so to fully replenish their strength.

The streets were just as barren tonight as they had seemed before the attack.

Aspenpaw had to keep reminding himself that it had really happened, that he wasn't walking in a dream.

He didn't know how they could have found them, or even which group had attacked them, or what would happen to the prisoners now.

He just didn't understand anything. Deya hadn't said anything of the previous night, and Aspenpaw followed suit.

The moon was mighty tonight, shining just the amount of light they required to traverse, but now allow them to be spotted,

"The Moon has always fought with us," Deya had said when Aspenpaw pointed it out.

Aspenpaw recalled how dark it had been the previous night, and questioned for a moment how true it may be.

He had never subscribed to what little he knew of the stories and beliefs in the city, but maybe it was something he would be able to find solace in.

Maybe he would ask her about it all at some point where they could speak freely.

They traveled aimlessly through the night, never finding anything of note.

They had goals, but really made no strides in achieving them.

Aspenpaw just found some sort of peace in movement, and he assumed Deya felt the same.

Whenever they were still, all the memories had time to catch up and rush in.

By the time the morning was on the rise, they were far away from anything that Aspenpaw recognized, and it was then that he finally asked, "Where are we going?"

"Should be safer down south, I think,"

"We aren't g-" Aspenpaw's didn't want to stress her out further, but he couldn't help his mind drifting to Aranyer and Roco, and Deya picked up on it,

"We can't find them here. I don't know this place an' I know they don't either. If they're free, Roco would wanna get as far opposite from that place. I doubt we'll find 'em, still," Aspenpaw hated to see her see dejected and suggested,

"Let's stop here," Deya stopped but didn't say anything or move to find shelter,

"Come on!" Aspenpaw tried to sound cheery the best he could, and Deya couldn't resist.

Knowing how she liked rooftops, and despite how much fear they instilled in Aspenpaw, he began climbing up the caged steps on the side of the tallest building he could see.

Deya reluctantly followed him with a sad smile on her face, and had to help Aspenpaw up when they neared the top, but they were able to make a joke of it.

Aspenpaw didn't realize how tired he was from walking the whole night through, and nearly collapsed once his paws slapped the gravel rooftop.

The wind was strong, but warm enough.

Deya, with her thicker pelt, found a spot under the shade of an awning to curl up and rest.

Aspenpaw followed slowly, his legs shaky from being up so high.

Deya already had her eyes closed by the time that Aspenpaw laid his head on her back and snuggled in beside her.

Not even thinking about it, he slung his paw over Deya's body and it landed near her rear.

Suddenly, Deya made a noise jerked back, completely clearing herself of Aspenpaw's touch.

Aspenpaw was confused and looked up at her.

Her hackles were raised high, her stance that of a soldier, with claws unsheathed, and her eyes as wide as an owl's.

Her breathing came in rapid shots. Aspenpaw became afraid. Dread enveloped his body and his tongue refused to speak.

Though it was only a moment, Aspenpaw felt trapped under her hate-filled gaze for moons.

Then Deya's eyes softened into paranoia and they began to swell with water.

Her legs trembled and she resheathed her claws, "I-I-I'm so-sorry," She breathed out in a painful, dissociated way. Deya sat down, her legs unable to carry her weight any longer.

Aspenpaw didn't move a single muscle, "I-I guess, I guess I ha-hafta 'plain myself, now, huh?" Deya let out a laugh, more like a pathetic cough.

She put out a single paw, as if to go to Aspenpaw, but then put it back and sat still.

She blinked her eyes rapidly to try to quell them, but water continued to rise.

Aspenpaw could see in her eyes the phases of awareness washing over her, the regret, the anger, and the fear that she may lose him over this outburst, all coagulating into helpless misery.

Aspenpaw knew this feeling, and he couldn't stand seeing her like this. In the forest, Loneheart and Rustheart had only kept him company in their own confusions about the situation.

They could never calm those horrid feelings, because it was true that they hated him, that they could never exist the same way again.

But here it was different. He loved Deya, and he wasn't able to hold himself back from showing that. Inch by inch he moved towards her.

Deya watched in her peripheral vision, but didn't stop him, "Could I, touch you?" Aspenpaw whispered when he was beside her.

For a moment, he was sure he had said the wrong thing, but then he suddenly felt fur and ears against his chest, and he wrapped his tail around Deya's body, holding her tight,

"You don't have to explain anything," He said, but Deya still seemed trapped and lost,

"A-As, I-I, I lied to you-"

"That's okay,"

"No it isn't!" She breathed again harshly and Aspenpaw guided them both to the ground so she wouldn't have to use any strength to stand anymore. Aspenpaw's own exhaustion was forgotten entirely now,

"I love you, Deya" Aspenpaw whispered,

"But I'm-I'm, you can't!" Deya screamed and pulled back again. She gave up and flopped on her stomach.

Aspenpaw knew how she felt now too, unable to do anything but dig herself deeper into the misery.

Though he knew the feeling, he didn't know how to comfort her, and ended up saying nothing, letting Deya wallow silently.

She took a few deep breaths and regained some of her composure, then looked up at Aspenpaw, "Could I tell ya what happened?" Aspenpaw crouched down to her level and responded,

"Yeah, only if you wanna tell me,"

"I won't blame you if ya leave after,"

"I would never do that," They looked into each other's eyes for a minute until Deya worked up the courage to speak,

"I told ya that story o' when I was, when I'd just come into the city, but I didn't, I didn't really say what happen, I just, made it up as I went,"

Aspenpaw stayed silent and nodded along, remembering and allowing Deya to speak at her own pace,

"When I, well, when Erie died, no, when Erie was alive, we were able to walk 'round an' just get ignored by anybody we stumbled on. Occasionally we'd get a comment er somethin', but we didn't have any trouble goin' about our way. We, o' course, heard some poor things 'bout the cats here, but at that point I just assumed they were all hearsay nonsense, an', an' after Erie died, I didn' think anythin' 'bout them would change. For the couple next days after he was gone I just walked on an' didn' come across no one. I think it were around dusk on the third day, or maybe the next, when I, when I saw a form out on the plain. It'er a tom, glistenin' 'gainst the summa sun, like Apocalypse descending. I refused to be put off by 'is masculine physique, though I tried to keep my distance anyhow. As I was passin', nothin' happened, I jus' kept on lookin' forth. But then I heard 'em behind me, sayin', 'What're you doin' out 'ere all alone, darlin'?' I kinda-kinda froze an' just swirled me head back an' looked at 'em. He had th-this smile all stretched o'er his face, almost kind, er sweet, er somethin'. He gave me a couple seconds, but when I couldn' find my tongue to speak, 'e kinda, slunk down, the muscles in his face jus' sorta stretched so I couldn' make sense of 'em, and 'e said, 'What's the matter, darlin'? I only wanna help ya,' I didn' believe him, not at all, an' my legs jus' started movin' without me, sprintin' away, tryna catch the sun. A mom-moment later I 'eard a poundin' 'hind me an' his paw caught me shoulder, 'Don't be so hasty now,' He told me. His kindness, or whatever it was, was pretty much jus' gone when he said that. It was nasty, an' I didn't know what was happening. He, h-he jus' sat there a-an' rubbed my shoulder an' looked me in the eyes. Then I felt his claw draggin' a-a, an', he started, he, he started, uh, c-caressin' m-me further back, for-forcely, an' he said, 'I don't like it when ya p-p-play with me li-like that, darlin'. Come with me, I can show ya beauti-beautiful things,' I think I, no, I definitely told him 'no'. I told him I didn't want to go, or I just wanted to be left be, but I don' know if I was really sayin' words then. I was r-really scared, As, I-I, was really scared. I-I, I j-just let it happen! I didn't move! An-A-An', a-an' then, then he, started m-moving m-my tail, an-an' he told me to relax and that I-I c-co-could b-be his, th-that I wo-would be h-his. I didn't want it, I-I re-really didn't! I tried to move away, b-but he was movin' with me. I don', I-I don't r-remember, wh-what I was thinkin', I don't kn-know if I, if I knew. H-He started, started movin' be-behind, an-an' I ran again. I ran, as fast as I-I could, but I, I wa-wasn't f-fast 'nough! H-He was so strong, a-an' he, he pushed me down an', an' he shoved my head in the dirt, an' he s-said, 'L-L-Lie st-still, bitch. Ya do-don' get to wave ye-yer tail 'r-round l-l-like a sl-slut an' try to r-run away without g-givin' m-me it,' I-I was s-s-sc-screamin', an' kickin', a-as hard as I could! I was sc-screamin', an' i-it were sounds l-like I-I'd never heard! An', h-he was rippin' at me, and he stepped on my tail, an' h-he was s-so much stronger than me, As! A-A-And-And the-then, I felt, s-so much pain, and, an-and I was scre-screamin', an' n-nobody came! Nobody came! T-Then he wa-was moving, and h-he didn't, I-I coul-couldn't, I, i-it hurt s-so much! He h-held me-me down, s-s-so har-hard, I co-I couldn' m-m-move! All-All m-my nerves w-were scr-scr-scre-min'! H-He wou-wouldn't stop!"

Overhead, a flock of pigeons flew, temporarily blocking out the sun.

Deya spent some time catching her breath.

Aspenpaw had no idea what to do, or how to feel; his body was numb.

Even after such a painful ordeal already, Deya continued, her voice more even, but her eyes still only seeing the past,

"It lasted s-so long. It was dark when he finished. It w-was all dark. H-He kind of jus', just lied atop of me, l-like he th-thought I w-was his. I s-st-stopped str-strugglin' by then, maybe, maybe he thought I was unconscious, I-I don' know. But he let h-his guard down, an' I sw-I swung out, hit him right in the throat. H-He started s-staggerin' and howlin' i-in this l-low wail, like he was, like he was trying to make words. I s-screamed back at him, and the echo, it still, I still hear it. He didn't have the strength to def-defend himself. I k-killed him, killed him until I knew, 'til I-I couldn't recognize h-his face, o-or any of him. Th-Then I ran, I-I was so tired. I found a stream and washed off all t-the liquids, th-then I just, fell asleep, for, for three days, I think, jus', tryin' to forget it. I couldn't speak for a moon after that night,"

Deya's voice was still hoarse.

It was something that Aspenpaw had never paid much attention to before.

She looked at him now, and he to her. Aspenpaw had so much to say, but he lacked the words,

"I'm sorry," Were the only words he could choke out. Deya looked away again,

"I'm soiled, As. You don't have to s-stay here anymore, I'm sorry I made you say that you loved me; I can never be who you want," Aspenpaw was silent for a few seconds, but his heart was tearing at his throat, and he spoke unprepared, but true,

"I don't, I don't want anything; just you. I love you how you are. I love you so much, Starclan, I love you so much, Deya!" He looked to her. She looked to him.