Day 61

Walter and I are lounging in the seating area of the loft, Ralph is downstairs using Walter's computers for a coding project for school. It's been a really long day and it's kind of nice to have a quiet evening with just the three of us.

I flop down and kick off my shoes. Walter untucks his shirt from his pants and flops down beside me as well.

I reach for him, but instead of moving toward me, he notices the open pastry box on the coffee table and automatically reaches for a donut. He breaks it in half and shoves it into his mouth in one bite, chewing ferociously. He swallows and moves his hand with the other half to his mouth.

I put my hand out and stopped him. "I don't think this is the healthiest way to deal with your feelings about almost losing Cabe to federal prison today." I say as I take the remaining half of the donut out of his hand and toss it into the pastry box.

Walter considers my words and stops chewing, I hand him a napkin and he spits out the remains of the donut. He crumples the napkin and tosses it into the pastry box.

"Why are there more feelings to deal with now?" he asks me. "Sly succeeded in his defense of Cabe. Cabe has been found innocent of all charges and they've been dropped. What is wrong with me that I still feel the urge to shove copious amounts of fried, sugar-coated carbohydrates in my mouth?"

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with you," I reassure him. "You are reacting to the near loss of a friend and mentor in a completely normal and human way."

Walter pulls away as if offended by my reassurances. "If it's so normal and human, why don't you have the same problem? Why are you feeling fine? Why am I the only one to still feel upset? Why do I still feel so afraid and alone?"

Walter's questions were valid. I thought for a moment, trying to unlock the puzzle that is Walter O'Brien's emotions. "I think you had the most to lose." I enclosed his hand in both of mine. "We all love Cabe, but your relationship with him is special, deeper, more important."

Walter's breath hitched. "I can't believe I almost lost him today." He pulled his hand away from mine. "Sly was this close to losing." He stood and began pacing, his words tumbling out faster and faster, growing more agitated with every step. "If Cabe hadn't mentioned enforcing the law on an island, alone. If Sly hadn't read that obscure maritime case. If Toby and Florence hadn't managed to evade the police." Tears flowed unnoticed down his cheeks. It was clear he was spiraling. "And all I did was eat and save a dog from a cistern." Without thinking, Walter reached toward the box of pastries again but I stood and stopped his hand once again.

Reluctantly he allowed me to hold his hand, his entire body relaxing into that touch. "Paige, I-I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop. There is just this neverending flood and I'm afraid I'll drown." His voice cracked.

"Emotion, Walter, it's emotion. And it will end and you will survive."

"But what if I don't, what if it doesn't end, what if I drown?" the fear and anguish in his voice nearly broke my heart.

I placed his hands on my hips and placed my hands gently on either side of his face, pulling his face down slightly so that our eyes met and his forehead was pressed against mine.

"You don't need to stop, you don't need to fight. Think about Cabe. Think about all your fears. Picture him as an old man in prison. Whatever comes to mind."

Walter's breath sped up. "It's not working."

"That's because you're fighting." I told him. "Just let the thoughts come and don't fight and then let them go. When you feel another wave, just press your forehead to mine and look into my eyes. I'm going to be here the whole time. Just look into my eyes and see how much I love you. How much Ralph loves you. How much the whole team loves you. Hold on to that and let the rest ebb and flow. It's going to feel like it's not going to end, that the thoughts and fears will never stop coming. But if you stop fighting them, eventually they will and I will be here, loving you. That won't change."

We stood there like that for several minutes as Walter continued breathing heavily, and silent tears slid down his cheeks. My eyes never moved from Walter's.

Sometimes he would close his eyes briefly and I could feel him moving his forehead away from mine. But then he would relax and allow his forehead to press back into mine, opening his eyes again. When he did that, my gaze was always right there ready to keep his fears at bay. Eventually, I could see the onslaught slowing to a trickle and then ceasing altogether.

Walter sighed in relief and smiled at me. "That was amazing, I can't believe you fixed all my feelings this easily."

"No, Walter. This is a process. At varying times in your life and for different reasons, you will feel overwhelming emotions. This isn't a one-and-done."

Walter started to look concerned and I could feel his fingers itch to move toward the donut box once again.

"You'll find varying ways to cope, hopefully not in a pastry shop. But remember that you always have this, you always have me. Anytime you need to, pull me close, press foreheads together, and look into my eyes. I will be here and I will make sure that you do not drown."

Walter breathed in a shaky breath at those words. "You would do that for m-me?"

I nodded.

He closed his eyes for a few moments, processing the experience and this new information.

With eyes still closed, I can see his body tensing up again and he tries to pull away from me, but I stop him. "Look at me. Remember, don't run away from your feelings. Look at me and allow yourself to feel them. They will pass."

"But what about if I am overwhelmed by good feelings, feelings I don't want to let pass?"

Grateful that for the moment the worst seems to be over, I reassure him. "It's the same principle. Let yourself feel them and enjoy them, they'll come back. If it's overwhelming look into my eyes and feel them. Eventually, good feelings won't feel so overwhelming. You'll be able to feel them all on your own. Are you feeling overwhelmed by a good feeling, my love?"

"Yes, I am overwhelmed by my love for you. You love me in a way that I never thought I would find, never thought I would be worthy of…" he trailed off.

"But here I am."

"Yes, here you are and I am grateful every day that you came into my life, that I let myself love you, that I let myself be loved by you, that you stay despite everything stupid thing I do to drive you away."

"Walter," I interrupted.

"No, let me say this. I know that I'm not perfect, far from it. How everyone is so surprised that you are with me. I hear every remark made about my low EQ. I know this comes as a shock to everyone, but I am painfully aware of every single one of my inadequacies, my 197 IQ brain makes damn sure of that. When someone so helpfully points it out, it's like hearing every worst thought I had about myself."

It seemed as if Walter had had these words bottled up for some time, but once he released them, he relaxed visibly. His hands, still on my hips, pulled me closer to him, our eyes met as I blinked away tears. Walter was rarely this open about his emotions.

"But it's like you don't see those things in me. And when I am with you, I don't see those things in myself. I see me the way you see me. And it heals the broken pieces of me. It makes me whole in a way I'd never imagined I could be. It makes me braver and more compassionate in the world. I succeed… Scorpion succeeds because of you. Because of your love for me. I'm only sorry I ran away from it for so long. I love you, Paige. You have changed me for the better. I hope you know that."

Overwhelmed with emotion myself, I did the only thing I could, I pressed my forehead more firmly to his and looked into his eyes. "I love you too, Walter."

We stood like that for several heartbeats, until swiftly and without warning, Walter moved his hands from my hips and wrapped his arms around my torso pulling me gently toward him. He closed his eyes and this time I didn't chastise him for doing so, I just allowed my eyes to close as well. A moment later I felt the kiss he placed on my lips, a kiss so heartbreakingly sweet and tender that I would have been perfectly happy to live in this moment for the rest of my life.