JENNIE
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I'm laughing. Laughing so hard my stomach muscles hurt. And then I'm screaming in delight, the cold wind in my face nearly taking my breath away. And then she's there, just like she always used to be, helping me off my sled, brushing the snow from my hair. And I feel it. God, I feel it so strong. That zing. That spark that has always been there. It's stronger here, more recognizable.
I guess maybe that's because of the ties we share with this place. The memories we have here. It's such a huge part of our childhood, there's no wonder it evokes such strong feelings in me, bringing them all boiling to the surface of my otherwise cold skin.
"You want to go again?" she asks, the look on her face enough to make me lose my words so I just shake my head excitedly instead.
I don't have it in me to feel silly about how at twenty-four-years-old we're out here acting like children. This is us. This is me and Lisa and all the things we used to love to do.
Lisa gives me a wide smile, clearly pleased with my answer, and then drops her arm over my shoulder as we make our way back up the hill.
The process repeats over and over again until I've laughed so hard my voice is strained and stomach muscles are sore, walked so much my legs feel like they're about to fall off, and am so wet every part of me feels frozen and yet burns from the inside out.
"Do you feel too old now?" Lisa asks, knocking her foot into mine as we sit side by side on our sleds at the bottom of the hill.
"Never felt more alive," I answer honestly. "I'm really glad we did this."
She opens her mouth respond, but then her attention moves to the side just seconds before I hear Mr. Miller speak.
"Well I'll be." I turn to see him standing just a few feet outside the barn, his gaze on us. "Never thought I'd see you two out here again."
Lisa pushes up on her feet and quickly crosses the distance to shake Mr. Miller's hand.
"It's good to see you, sir. We saw the snow this morning and just couldn't resist." She throws me a smile over her shoulder, one where I can see her dimples. A smile that tells me how genuinely happy she is right now.
"Well I'm glad you didn't. Why don't you two come inside and join me and the Mrs. for a bite? She's got a big pot of chili on the stove, and I'm sure you could use something to warm you up. I know she'd love to see you," he says to Lisa before turning his attention to me. "Hi, sweetheart."
"Hi, George." I stand, wrapping my arms around his neck in a hug the second I reach him.
"Well come on." He gives me a tight squeeze before stepping back and gesturing toward the house. "You're as cold as ice." He shakes his head like he can't fathom for the life of him why we'd be out here subjecting ourselves to the brutal temperatures, before slowly leading the way to the back porch.
Lisa looks at me and mouths George in the form of a question, giving me what can only be described as a 'what the fuck' look. I bite back my laughter and give her an innocent smile, raising my shoulders slightly.
When we were kids, they were always Mr. and Mrs. Miller or sir and ma'am, but as I got older, they asked me to use their real names—George and Martha. Lisa wasn't around for any of that, and to her I've just committed the cardinal sin of sledding at the Miller's.
We stop on the back porch to strip out of our wet snowsuits and equally soaked boots. I was smart enough to wear a large sweater under my coat where Lisa only has on a thin black t-shirt, leaving her arms so red it almost looks like she's got really bad sunburn.
"You have to be freezing." I wave my hand toward her torso. "Why didn't you wear something thicker under the coveralls?"
"It's fine." She shrugs. "Guess I was having too much fun to notice." She winks before following Mr. Miller inside.
"Lisa Manoban as I live and breathe." That's the first thing I hear come out of Martha's mouth when I follow Lisa into the kitchen. "My goodness you've really grown up." She cups Lisa's cheek, looking at her like she's still the same messy-haired girl who spent most of winter playing in her backyard.
"And Jennie." She finally sees me standing a couple feet behind Lisa. "I didn't know you were stopping by today." She hugs me, shivering as she pulls back. "You're freezing." She rubs her hands up and down my arms in an effort to warm me.
"I'm good, Martha. Lisa's the one who probably has hyperthermia." Her eyes flip back to Lisa, and the second she sees how red her arms are she quickly leaves the kitchen. She returns seconds later with a man's long sleeve button-down sweater, no doubt belonging to Mr. Miller.
"Here, put this on. It will help warm you up."
Lisa lets Martha help her into the sweater and then eyes me playfully.
No, they haven't changed at all; I want to say in agreement.
And while she looks absolutely adorable wrapped in the light gray sweater, the girl I get a glimpse of from time to time showing through, there's no denying that even in old man's clothing she is still the sexiest thing I think I have ever seen.
We spend the next forty-five minutes eating chili while Martha asks Lisa every question she can think of. What have you been up to? Tell me about college. You work in Cleveland, tell me everything. Are you dating anyone? That part got a little tense, especially when Lisa's eyes were locked on me as she answered and said— Not really, nothing serious anyway. I've got my eye on a girl I'm not entirely sure feels the same way I do. And just like that, my heart did a little flip in my chest. And while I love the idea that maybe I'm that girl, a part of me is terrified I'm not.
Eventually the conversation wound down, and we saw our opportunity to escape. As much as I love Martha and George, they tend to be talkers. They would talk our ears off for hours if we'd let them. But thankfully Lisa stood from the table, thanked them for the food, and said if they didn't mind she was going to take advantage of their hill now that most of the children had left for the day.
And just like that, we were hugging and saying goodbyes with the promise of visiting again soon.
Now here we are, back in our snow gear and trudging up to the top of the hill for what feels like the hundredth time today. And even though my legs protest every step I take, I'm happier right now than I remember being in a very long time.
The day fades on, the rest of the kids leave, and because we're too lazy to walk back up the hill anymore, we end up building a snowman with all the excess snow that's gathered at the bottom of the hill.
"What about this?" Lisa tilts her head to the side as she jams two sticks in both sides of the snowman's head.
"What are those supposed to be exactly?" I cover my mouth to try to smother my laughter.
"It's his ears," she huffs playfully, crossing her arms as she stands back to look at our masterpiece.
"I don't think snowman are supposed to have ears." I can't rein in my giggle with the look of horror that crosses her face.
"Then how do you suppose they hear, Miss Know-it-all."
"I don't know, but this does not look like any snowman I have ever seen before." I step forward and jerk the sticks out of the snowball head and then shove them into the body, giving him arms. "There." I step back, holding my hands out like tada.
"Fine. For the record, I think he looked better with ears." Her full bottom lip pushes out into a pout and I can't help it, I laugh so loud the sound echoes all around us.
"You are every inch of ten-years-old right now." I barely get the words out before she's stalking toward me, her expression dark and serious and completely fake.
She doesn't stop until we're practically nose to nose, and then a wide smile graces her handsome face and she drops her forehead to mine.
"It's been fun hasn't it? Pretending like we're kids again. I can't remember the last time I felt so—free."
"I know what you mean." My heart kicks up in speed at our closeness.
Even though every single limb in my body is numb from the cold, I can still feel the effect she has on me everywhere.
Kiss me. It's all I can think. Just do it. Just lean down and take control. Show me that this is what you want. But before she can do anything, I back away, needing to put space between me and the direction my mind is going. But mostly needing to put distance between us.
"What do you say?" I take a full step back. "Want to go one more time?" I ask, glancing up at the top of the hill.
"Race you to the top." She takes off with no warning, and I scream behind her.
"You cheater! You didn't give me enough time to get ready," I huff behind her, knowing even if she had given me fair warning, there is no way I would beat her. Of course, I'm not going to tell her I know that.
She reaches the top before I'm even half way there, yelling things like "Today, grandma," and "Have you always been this slow?"
I laugh, ignore her baiting, and then give her a good shove when I finally reach the top.
"God Jen, you're so violent," she teases.
"Shut up and get on your sled," I order, swallowing down my laughter to fake seriousness.
"Uh oh. I feel a challenge coming on," Lisa practically sings next to me as I slide down on my sled next to her.
"Race you to the bottom. Loser has to..." I try to come up with one of the silly bets we used to use as kids, but my mind draws a blank.
"Complete one task requested by the winner," Lisa spouts, meeting my gaze with playful eyes.
"What exactly does that mean?" I cock a brow at her.
"It means if I win, you have to do something I tell you to do. If you win, you get to tell me something to do. Kind of like truth or dare but without the truth."
I think on this for a long moment and then shrug.
"Fine, you're on." I ready myself on my sled.
"Count us down, Jen." She grins beside me.
"Three, two, one... Go!"
We both take off, speeding down the hill side by side, and for a moment I think I might actually win. Then as we reach the open stretch at the bottom of the hill, Lisa glides past me. She reaches the goal a good ten feet before I do and as I pass her, my sled slowing to a crawl, Lisa wraps her arm around my chest and pulls me right off the sled with next to no effort.
I land with my back in the snow and somehow Lisa right on top of me, our chests vibrating with laughter.
"I believe I won," she gloats, using her gloved hand to tuck a strand of my hair back into my toboggan.
That's when everything shifts. It's like I can just now feel the weight of her body on mine. See the way her dark eyes are near black as she hovers over me. Hear the way her breathing has suddenly changed.
"And what exactly do you plan to make me do with your champion title?" I ask, her face so close my response is barely above a whisper.
"I know what I want." She makes no attempt to move. "And when I tell you what it is, you have to do it right then and there." Her expression is playful, but her eyes tell me something else.
"I know the rules," I remind her. This isn't the first time we've made bets like this, though when we were kids, the consequences didn't feel quite as heavy as they do right now.
"Good." She stares down at me for a long moment, silence stretching over us.
My heart is beating so hard in my chest there's no way she can't feel it. Every part of my body is braced for impact, anticipating her next move.
"Kiss me." The moment it leaves her mouth, the bottom of my stomach drops out.
"What?" I gawk at her, sure I didn't hear her right.
"That's what I want, Jen. I want you to kiss me. And now, given the rules of our agreement, I expect you to pay up."
"You're serious?" My throat is so dry it suddenly feels like sandpaper.
"Very."
"Lisa."
"You're not meeting the terms of our deal, Jennie." She tsks and then gives me a wicked smile.
"Fine." I lean up and peck her lips, but what I thought would be an easy quick kiss, ends up morphing into something else entirely.
Because my lips never leave hers like I mean for them to. Instead, my hand wraps around the back of her head and I find myself pulling her to me.
Her full weight presses me deeper into the snow, her lips parting as her tongue darts out and traces my bottom lip before sliding inside my mouth. The moment her tongue glides against mine, my body erupts in an inferno. Heat, want, need, lust, desire... love. It's all there. Burning through my skin, melting inside my chest, and setting fire to my brain that now has only one thought—Lisa.
I don't know if the kiss lasts an hour or merely seconds, but when Lisa pulls back and looks down at me, I know that I won't ever be able to go back to life before that kiss. Everything, every single day of my life, has been washed away and replaced by only this.
Lisa. Her lips. My heart. She's everything. She's always been my everything.
But then she registers the look on my face and I have no idea what she sees, but whatever it is has her climbing to her feet, rubbing her hands over her face, and looking down on me with an evident expression of regret. Like being shocked back to life, I come up gasping.
"Fuck, Jen. I'm sorry." She helps pull me to my feet. "I didn't mean for it to turn into that. God, I'm such an idiot."
She just keeps talking, spewing words of regret, and each one that leaves her lips is like a dagger being shoved into my chest.
"It's fine, Lisa. Seriously, it's not a big deal."
"It is a big deal, Jen." She finally turns. "Because now that I've tasted you, now that I've felt you beneath me, there's no going back for me. I thought I could do this. I really did. But fuck. You look at me and I swear to God I lose my fucking mind."
"I..." I don't know what to say to that. I try to push out words, but nothing comes. When she pulled away from me moments ago, this was the last thing I expected to hear her say. I'm so floored, so dumbfounded; I swear I'm not sure I'm even breathing right now.
"I told myself I wouldn't do this to you. That I wouldn't just walk into your life and immediately upend it, but fuck, Jen, that's what I want to do. I want to twist you up in all sorts of ways and make you feel how you make me feel."
"I—"
I don't know what to say.
I want to say I feel it too, every ounce of it. But I'm also hesitant to throw everything away on a girl who walked away from me like I meant nothing.
And now she's back after all this time, saying all the things I've always wanted her to say and am now realizing it isn't enough. It's easy to say things when you know the other person is committed to someone else and can't do anything about it.
Kai flashes through my mind followed by a wave of guilt, but not because I kissed Lisa. No, it's because I did not think of him even once today until this very moment. What does that say about me?
"Please, Jen, I'm fucking dying here. Just say something." Her eyes are swimming with emotion, and I swear to God I don't know how I manage to utter the next words out of my mouth.
"I think I should go."
That's it. I don't look at her. I don't say anything else. I just turn and walk up that hill in such a daze I'm not sure if I'm really even moving at all.
When I reach the road I quickly cross it, not for one moment looking back at the girl I've loved some way or another for most of my life.
Tears sting the back of my eyes and confusion swarms through my mind.
How is it that I'm walking away from her right now? How is it that I've pictured her saying those exact words to me a million times and when she finally does, I just turn my back on her?
"Jen, wait." A breathless Lisa comes jogging up next to me the second I reach my porch, grabbing my arm before I can get my key in the door. "Please. Just wait."
"I don't know what you want from me, Lisa." I spin on her, anger and happiness, regret and hope all bleed together in an overwhelming concoction that leaves me unsure of how I really feel in this moment.
I should be happy, right? Elated? So why do I feel so terrified?
The second my eyes meet Lisa's I can feel the tears welling and do everything in my power to keep them from spilling over.
"I want a chance, Jen. Just a chance."
"A chance for what?" My voice sounds borderline hysterical.
"A chance to win your heart the way I should have done all those years ago."
"It's... So much time has passed, Lisa. We're not those kids anymore. We've been kidding ourselves, pretending like nothing has changed. Everything has changed. How do you even know you like who I am now? You don't know me anymore. Not the way you used to."
"Then let me know you, spend time with you, prove to you that even though we're different people than we used to be, we're still connected on a level neither of us has ever been able to understand."
I stand there for what feels like forever just staring into those dark eyes, wondering how after all the time I pined after Lisa that I'm just going to turn her away. I don't know if I can. I open my mouth, certain that I'm about to agree without really thinking it through when the door behind me opens and my entire body freezes.
"I thought I heard you out here." Kai's voice behind me sends prickles all the way down my back.
And just like that, I plaster on a fake smile and turn to face him.
"Hey. I didn't know you were coming over today." I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a quick hug, enough that it doesn't let on that the last thing I want right now is for him to be here. And that thought is followed by more guilt.
"Where have you been?" He steps back, taking in my attire.
"We went to visit George and Martha and ended up staying and sledding for a little while."
"Sledding?" he repeats like he must have heard me wrong.
"It was kind of our thing as kids," Lisa interrupts, her voice so smooth and natural you would never know that seconds ago we were having one of the heaviest conversations we've ever had. "Thanks again, Jen." Her dark eyes flash to mine. "I should probably get back. It was really good seeing you again." She barely looks at me before flipping her gaze to the man standing in my doorway. My boyfriend. "Kai." She nods and turns, then without another word she walks away.
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