Only One in the Room- chapter 5
Angela tried her best to enjoy the dinner Nicholas had prepared. It was one of Tony's specialty recipes that was normally one of her favorites. Tonight, she could barely manage to eat more than a few bites. She made some excuse about eating a late lunch and cleaned up her plate. She decided to turn in early, getting into bed with a book. Her mind wouldn't let her concentrate, rereading the same passages over and over again. Finally, she put down the book and turned on the television. During the last few weeks of her pregnancy with the twins, she needed to be on strict bed rest. Tony had bought them a television so Angela would have some entertainment and they just kept upgrading it over the years. Eventually exhaustion took over and she fell asleep.
The week went by slowly. She wasn't able to shake the effects of opening that letter from the lawyers. She made an extra session with her therapist the morning of Jonathan's arrival. She felt better after her therapy session and was able to finish her errands before they arrived in the late afternoon. Jonathan, Dan, Anthony and Katie walked through the front door, the kids running right into Angela's arms.
"Sweethearts! Oh how I've missed you! Look how much you've grown!" gushed Angela as she gave them each their own hug.
"Why don't you head into the kitchen. Nicholas made chocolate chip cookies last night!" she said as the twins ran into the kitchen.
"Hi Mom!" said Jonathan as she wrapped her arms around her eldest son. She held on for what felt like forever, cherishing the feel of his embrace, until she reluctantly pulled back. Tears were in both their eyes as they silently communicated their grief.
"Dan! How are you?" asked Angela as she wrapped her arms around her son in law.
"I'm good Mom! Busy with work and the kids but we are doing alright! Can I put the luggage upstairs?" asked Dan.
"Of course! You know the way!" laughed Angela.
"Actually I was hoping you could help me in the attic Jonathan. I want to get some of the baby girl things down from the attic for Anna" said Angela.
"Of course! I've got bags in the trunk for her too. When we see her we can just pile everything into the car. Let me make sure the kids aren't in a cookie coma and then we can head up!" said Jonathan. A few minutes later, Jonathan and Angela were up in the attic.
"I think most of the grandkid things are over here" said Angela as she started to rummage through plastic bins and boxes. She started going through the boxes when she found an unmarked box. She opened it up and found two matching red hats with yellow writing, one with the word 'Dad' and the other with the word 'Kid'. She could remember that day so many years ago when Tony took Samantha to Vermont for their own father-daughter ski trip. The look on Samantha's face when he put that hat on her head still made her smile.
"Jonathan! Do you remember these hats? How did Tony ever think Samantha would ever agree to wearing that hat in public?" laughed Angela.
"I have no idea! She was probably just appeasing him so he would let her check out all the hot guys at the lodge!" chuckled Jonathan.
"Then that time she took off out of here to go skiing with Bonnie! I've never seen Tony more upset and angry…" she started but suddenly stopped as the memories came flooding back to her. She took both hats and clung to them for dear life as the tears started to fall. Soft cries soon became uncontrollable sobs as Jonathan came behind her and wrapped his arms around Angela. He too started to cry as his own grief washed over him.
"It's just not fair! Some moments I think I can do this… one day at a time, one step at a time and all that crap they say to try and make you forget how broken you feel… and then a stupid pair of ugly hats leaves me a puddle in the floor! I… I don't know how I'm going live the rest of my life like this! It's just not fair!" she shouted as a new round of tears came down.
"I know Mom… it's a million different things and top of the list is it's not fair…" he said as he wiped away his own tears. His heart broke watching his mother in such pain. It was easier for him living down in Washington DC and not having to be reminded of it day in and day out. He wasn't sure how he would be able to get through it if he was still in Connecticut, let alone in this house.
"Why don't you plan a vacation and come visit us next month? You can stay as long as you need to. Anna won't be due yet and I think Nicholas and definitely Robert can fend for themselves for a few days" said Jonathan.
"I don't know… some days I can barely get out of the house… I'll think about it" she said as she placed the hats back in the box and closed it up.
"I think we have enough stuff for now. I can always come back up before we leave and get anything else she needs" said Jonathan as she helped Angela up and down the stairs.
The family enjoyed a relaxing family dinner that Nicholas had cooked. Angela enjoyed spending time with her grandkids and catching up on their lives. She treated the family to ice cream at a local ice cream shop, eating the ice cream outside on the benches.
"You guys want to hear a funny story?" asked Angela with a smirk on her face as her grandkids nodded their heads repeatedly.
"A long time ago, your Grandpa Tony and I took your Dad and Aunt Samantha for ice cream at this very spot. We had played mini golf before hand… you know how competitive we are… so both Grandpa Tony and I tied at mini golf. We couldn't let it go just there and decided to have an ice cream eating contest! Who could eat all six scoops of ice cream!" laughed Angela.
"No way! You didn't really do that Grandma!" squealed Katie.
"Who won? I bet Grandpa won!" laughed Anthony.
"They tied! But ask me who was the loser in that contest?" smirked Jonathan.
"Well… needless to say we both felt very sick after doing that! We somehow made it home- Aunt Samantha drove and your Dad was in the front seat. Your Grandpa and I soon realized we weren't feeling all that well as we got home and made a mad dash to the house. Unfortunately, neither of us made it into the house and threw up all over the front path!" laughed Angela.
"Eww! Gross!" shouted Katie. Anthony couldn't stop laughing at the thought of his grandparents throwing up.
"And guess who had to clean it all up? Me! I couldn't look at ice cream again for months!" laughed Jonathan.
"I still can't believe we did that…" said Angela as her voice trailed off at the end, her happy mood starting to shift. Both Dan and Jonathan noticed the change in her demeanor and hurriedly changed the subject. They finished up their ice cream and headed back to the house.
The next day, Dan took the kids into the city to do some sightseeing and head to a museum. Angela got herself ready and headed into the living room. Robert and Jonathan soon joined her and headed out the door to the grief group. They arrived to the center and headed up to the room just as Kelly brought the group together.
"Welcome everyone… I hope you've had a good week since we last met. As always, the floor is yours…" said Kelly.
"Hi everyone… I wanted to introduce my two sons, Robert and Jonathan. Jonathan lives in Washington DC with his husband Dan and two children Anthony and Katie. Robert lives in my mother's old apartment. His twin sister Anna came to group a couple of weeks ago" said Angela as both Jonathan and Robert wore matching embarrassed expressions.
"Welcome Jonathan and Robert! We are very happy you both are here today. Family support is key to helping one another get through tragedy and loss. It's wonderful to see that Angela has such supportive children and family in her life" said Kelly.
"And sons on top of it! My boys only seem to call when their wives remind them! Since my wife died three years ago, I'm lucky if I get a call on major holidays and birthdays, let alone coming to something like this!" said Chuck, an older man in his early seventies.
"People grieve in their own ways… families are no different. The myth is that families pull together and support one another after a loss, but that doesn't always happen. Families can actually end up growing apart, fighting or even cut ties altogether. People grieve in very different ways- some need to be around people while some isolate and pull away…" said Kelly. Angela quietly wiped away tears in her eyes as Robert and Jonathan looked at one another.
"I think I've pulled away a bit from the family. I haven't been back to visit since the funeral. It's been easier I guess separating myself, staying away. If I was away, a part of me could pretend it didn't happen… that doesn't even make any sense…" said Jonathan as he wiped away his tears.
"The brain does things we don't always understand when we are healing from a loss. Denial is a real part of the grief process- it's job is to try and protect ourselves from the pain. Unfortunately, we can't stay in that place of denial forever. We eventually move in and out of the other stages of grief. What's important to remember is that we can't control how our family members deal with loss. We can only control ourselves" said Kelly.
"I think for me the hardest part is watching my Mom go through this… to see her in such pain. Growing up, I don't remember ever seeing either of my parents fighting or sad or in pain. Sure my Dad's Italian side would come out every once in a while but nothing bad. They always seems so happy and in love. To see her hurting this way… it breaks our hearts" said Robert as he reached for Angela's hand. Angela's heart broke to hear her sons talk about their own grief and pain.
"That's one more part to grief and bereavement that makes it so complicated. Our own pain is hard enough to deal with but then we are often surrounded by people we love who are hurting just as badly. You can feel very powerless in those times and often this is when anger rears its ugly head. If you truly have a positive support system, those are the times to lean on one another" said Kelly.
"My children have been beyond wonderful and supportive. All of them…" said Angela as she reached over and grabbed both Robert and Jonathan's hands. They spent the rest of the group listening to others share their own thoughts and experiences before the group ended. They wished everyone well and headed back to the car. Angela drove them back to the house. Before they got out, Jonathan spoke up.
"Mom, would you mind if Robert and I ran an errand and borrowed the car?" asked Jonathan.
"Of course not sweetheart. Are you going to the store? We should have everything the twins like already. I went shopping yesterday…" said Angela.
"No we are fine Mom. It's not to the store. We will be back soon though" he said as Angela nodded her head and got out of the car. Robert jumped in the drivers seat as they watched her go into the empty house.
"Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?" asked Robert.
"Enough is enough. Call Anna and tell her we will pick her up in ten minutes…" said Jonathan as Robert picked up his phone.