We're going to be heading back to the present from here though flashbacks will be happening also. More revelations on the relationship between our fav brunette duo. Season 2, Episode 14 – 'The Big Game.'
Like earlier chapters, snippets have been used with added interpretation that is completely my own. This chapter is long; Hotch and Emily talk at the bar at the start of episode 14, and we touch on Hotch's history in the flashback.
-Present Day-
A couple of weeks had passed by, and Agent Hotchner had been experiencing trouble trying to sleep. Ever since his first love showed up at his office for her job, he had been haunted by her. He would find himself thinking about her at work and even worse, he was thinking about her at home. He was totally distracted by her presence, and he feared it would start to show. He peeked over at the clock on his nightstand and saw it was 1am, 'great, still 5 hours to go' he thought begrudgingly to himself.
The bed shifted next to him, and Haley turned in her deep sleep. His lovely wife sound asleep next him, and here he was pondering over another woman. Guilt crept through the internal cracks of his subconscious. He quickly shoved that aside before things got even more messy. Of course, it wasn't like he was awake jacking off to another woman but with Emily and their feelings, he didn't need to. It was never about sex; they were almost half of the same person. The connection with Emily was one of a kind. He closed his eyes and sighed as softly as possible to not wake his partner and turned on his side to try and rest.
On the other side of the city, Emily tossed and turned for what felt like the hundredth time tonight. She had been struggling to sleep ever since she shook Hotch's hand in his office. She hadn't had a full night's sleep since seeing him and this was mainly due to his demeanour around her, stoic, cold or plain ignorant. He never addressed her and barely looked in her direction. Even the introduction to the team was rude, granted there was a terror alert, but still, nothing particularly welcoming. She was grateful for the team, Morgan and JJ had been nothing but kind and accommodating to her. Penelope was unlike anyone she had met, a beam of hope and light! Spencer Reid was fascinating, and she found they had common interests with reading material. Gideon, much like Hotch, was defensive and cold however, his invitation to play a game of chess on the trip home recently had eased her nerves.
It was just Hotch. The Aaron she had known 8 years ago was thoughtful and gentle, and he made her laugh. But now? The man was infuriating! And stubborn! And harsh! And just… ugh! The absolute love of her life. The love of her life whom she had to see every day. The love of her life that was happily married and now a father. Despite his happy and successful life, she noticed very quickly that he didn't smile. Her heart ached day after day watching him function but almost completely numb. She knew he owned the most beautiful smile that no one gets to see. Over the past few weeks, tears flowed almost daily. She missed the man who stole her heart all those years ago. She had of course dated since Hotch, but nothing serious or long term. Emily eventually accepted that work was going to be her focus and so she kept her head down and made it all the way to the BAU. The wall she had built around her heart had begun to crumble and all the while she would be working with Hotch, it would eventually collapse. The fear kept her awake at night, and she didn't know what she'd do about it when it does fall.
-flashback, late July 1998-
Emily lifted her hand from the warmth of the duvet to slap against the button of her alarm clock. 5:30am had come far too soon for her liking and she had tried to cheat time by heading to bed earlier, though it had failed… miserably. She groaned at the red numbers that shone brightly in her face and she screwed her eyes shut and turned over to snuggle against the hard body tucked behind her.
She felt Hotch's hand tighten on her hip as he pulled her closer to him, so they were pressed together. Emily looked up to Hotch's face and saw his eyes were still closed even though he was awake. He bumped his nose against her forehead and pressed a soft kiss there.
"I know, I know… just a few more minutes, Em" he whispered and shifted onto his back. He tucked his arm under Emily's shoulder so she could curl against his side. She rested her head on his chest and listened to the soothing drum of his heart.
"There may be a time where we could stay in bed all day and not have to worry about everyone else." She imagined aloud as she played with the light curls on his chest.
"That sounds perfect!" he agreed. "But for now, this is also perfect" he kissed the top of her head and stretched out his other arm.
The night they arrived home from Emily's relative's wedding, neither could settle and ultimately, Emily crept into Hotch's room where they proceeded to make love, several times and talk about how they were going to keep their looming relationship hidden.
Since then, every night they would end up together in either bedroom and would change their alarm clocks to 45 minutes earlier than the rest of the house to give plenty of time for cuddles, making out or relatively quick sex. In this time too, both had mastered the skill of quiet sex although on many times, both Emily and Hotch had almost teetered on the edge of a scream due to something incredible the other had done.
Not only had they snuck around during the night, but they had secretly gone on a few more dates. Hotch had taken Emily to a drive-in movie, where they held hands in the open and no one would question their relationship as they appeared to be dating. They'd had a free afternoon, where the staff in the house had other commitments along with Mr Prentiss and the Ambassador being away for the day also. They took full advantage of that, and Emily made Hotch a late lunch that ended with a frenzied love making session on the table in the dining room.
When the staff where present, which apart from that occasion was all the time, they proceeded to act professional. Even Hotch remembered to address her as 'Miss Prentiss' rather than 'Em' or 'baby'. No one had a clue that they would steal little looks and touches here and there, along with quick kisses.
"I have to get up, baby, I have a busy day today" he nudged her with his shoulder to get her to raise her head. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips. Emily snuck her tongue into his mouth to draw out the kiss for as long as possible while her hand cupped his smooth cheek.
He pulled away and smiled at her "Nice try, Prentiss" he said as he finally got out of bed. She sat up and eyed him just in his boxers.
"Like what you see?" he asked teasingly. Hotch wondered early on where his confidence had come from but concluded it was Emily's doing. Her buoyant attitude and open-mindedness was infectious!
"Very much so." She replied just as coyly.
"I'll try to call you today, but I don't know when I'll have the time to use a phone. The chances are I'll be back late afternoon or even this evening. These training days can drag out but it's all dependant on the group, you know?" he sat beside her and held her hand.
Hotch was due to go to Quantico for the day for tactical training and as much as he usually enjoyed these days, he was going to miss her like crazy. Since the beginning of his post, this would be the first day he wouldn't see her.
"I understand, Aaron, it's ok. You don't need to explain yourself to me. I'll miss you of course." She said as she cupped his cheek and stroked his sideburn. He held her hand to his face and kissed her palm.
"I'll see you tonight though?" he asked with a small smile.
"I really hope so." She beamed at him. "Have a good day, baby." She said to him and winked.
Hotch chuckled at the endearment and leaned forward to kiss her goodbye. Immediately her hand fisted in his hair at the nape of his neck, and she deepened the kiss.
"Mmmm.. nope... your lips are dangerous." He spoke against her mouth.
"Go back to sleep and I'll see you later" he watched her snuggle into the pillow on what was now his side of the bed and his heart clenched at the sight. She was adorable!
-Present Day-
On one of their free evenings, the team had decided to meet for drinks and a much-needed night out. Morgan wriggled his hips with a group of inebriated ladies and Penelope watched in awe. Emily brought a round of drinks and carefully carried them through the crowd of dancers, including her partner and shouted over her shoulder about how one of them could take his wallet. Morgan replied that he'd be a broke but happy man. She giggled and smiled at Penelope who carried on watching the dancing whilst sipping her jack and coke.
Emily set the drinks on the table and passed another jack and coke to Haley and a beer for Hotch. She was pleased to meet Haley and seemed really nice. Now meeting the blonde, she felt better about the idea of Hotch being married; he was happy, and she was lovely.
"So how are they treating you at the BAU, Emily?" Haley spoke loudly over the music and sipped her replenished drink.
Aaron pipped up before she could answer. "She means am I being nice to you?". Haley nodded and bumped his shoulder. His eyes met Emily's for what felt like the first time in a few weeks. After he made the mistake of accusing her of a political game, whilst things weren't nearly as awkward, she refused to stand near him or address him other than "sir". It pissed him off more than anything, but he understood that when she was mad, space was best. There would be another time to apologise to her. He found himself staring at her, almost willing her to catch his eyes but she was more stubborn than he was… she wouldn't look at him.
Hotch took a sip of his drink and waited for Emily to answer.
"Actually, everyone's been incredibly nice" she replied to her ex-lover's wife. It wasn't completely untrue. Haley displayed that she was pleased to hear this.
In front of them, Garcia made a claw like motion with her hand and eyed Morgan.
"Look at him… he's like a cat" she said biting her straw.
And even though the ladies were mortified, Hotch burst out laughing. Emily whipped her head in his direction and her tummy filled with butterflies at the sound. He was smiling and laughing! She hadn't heard him laugh in 8 years, and what a wonderful sound it was! His eyes softened and he smiled in Emily's direction. She blushed and averted her eyes back to where Garcia was looking
"More like a dog" Emily spoke in Garcia's direction.
The music faded from the R&B tune into something a little more upbeat. Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator began to blast through the speakers and Morgan's group of ladies pulled him to their table to take a well needed break. Garcia squealed at the sound of the song.
"Oh my gosh! I love this song! Where is JJ?" she stood and caught JJ's eye over by the dart board. JJ nodded and rushed over to the table and shouted to the team.
"Let's go Em, we know you love these guys too!" she laughed as Emily's eyes widen at being pushed into the middle of the dance floor.
The heavy drumbeat thundered as the BAU girls proceeded to shake their hips to the beat of the music. Hotch enjoyed seeing his team loosen up and enjoy the little free time they had. He kept his eyes on his female agents and took another sip of his beer. He felt a pang of jealousy and arousal shoot through him when Emily raised her arms above her head. Her shirt had ridden up slightly and the creamy skin of her stomach was on display for him. He tried to focus on the TV showing the highlights of the Superbowl rather than the memories that began to consume him. He tried to pay attention to the football highlights, but her body was like a magnet that his eyes couldn't resist. He knew what that skin felt like, he knew what it tasted like.
He would never want any woman to have to go through not being able to have a drink or dance in peace but the men who joined the girls brought welcomed anger. An anger that drowned the arousal he was feeling watching her dance.
Emily and the girls ignored the guys and carried on dancing with each other. One guy turned and pressed himself between Emily and the safety of JJ. Hotch choked on the gulp of beer he'd just taken and liquid squirted from his nose at the sight of a pair of huge hairy hands plant firmly on Emily's ass. He grabbed a napkin and wiped his face a little embarrassed that his emotions had gotten the better of him.
"Jesus, Aaron! What the hell was that about?" Haley chastised him as she wiped the beer on the table surface.
"Sorry". He simply coughed and looked up to find JJ grimacing as her and Garcia walked over to the couple.
"Song over?" Haley giggled.
Hotch looked over JJ's shoulder at the now settled commotion, and his eyes moved back to the blonde liaison.
"JJ?" he nodded to the dance floor.
"Some asshole felt Em up, so she punched him. Riley kicked him out, I think they're cleaning up over there. She's majorly pissed." Her brows furrowed.
"I bet she is!" Haley replied.
Hotch looked around the bar again, worry started to set in when he felt JJ come up next to him.
"She's outside… said she needed some air" she spoke to the table but held Hotch's stare. He nodded subtly and managed excused himself as the women starting trading gossip.
Emily sat on the wall outside the Irish Pub and rubbed her red knuckles. She knew she shouldn't have hit the guy, but he shouldn't have touched her. She took a long deep breath and listened to the muffled noises coming from inside the bar. After a few minutes, the hair on the back of her neck stood up and without looking, she knew who had come to find her.
"What are you doing out here, Hotch?" she muttered though loud enough for him to catch.
"How?" Aaron spoke.
"I just know with you… so?" she replied curtly.
"I came to see if you were ok… and to give you this" his lips pressed into a line, and he held out the small glass for her to take and sat next to her.
Emily barely gave her time to register what was it before she brought the glass to her lips and tipped her head back. The cool liquid burned her throat, and she pressed her fingertip to the corner of her mouth. She turned and watched as Hotch too brought a glass to his lips.
"I don't think you should be drinking that." she nodded to the glass and raised her eyebrows.
"I'm not 26 anymore, Em" he rolled his eyes at her. Her nickname rolled off his tongue easily when they were alone. He tried to keep his distance but his façade slipped around her.
"The last time I saw you drink tequila you flipped out, risked our whatever-ship by coming into my room completely hammered, told me you loved me and then got your ass kicked the next day… I get that you don't, but tonight, trust me – that" she nodded to his glass again "… is not a good idea".
Hotch sucked through his teeth as he was reminded of what had happened last time.
"You know, I haven't gotten drunk since, nor have I actually touched tequila since. And here I find myself with you and tequila, again" he looked down the glass and shrugged. Now wasn't the time or the place to make an ass of himself. He handed his glass to Emily who poured the alcohol onto the sidewalk.
"Thank you." she said.
They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes just watching cars drive by. Hotch opened his mouth to speak when Emily got their first and surprised him.
"So, Haley is nice". She stated to ease the tension.
"Are we doing that?" he asked.
"I'm happy to sit here in silence but you hate silence so I don't know" she chuckled to herself.
"This" she waved between them "shouldn't be this hard".
"We've not spoken in a while" he frowned at her. Hotch watched Emily close her eyes and immediately regretted his words.
"Ah you mean since you accused me of playing dirty game to suit my own political agenda?" She grit her teeth in anger.
"Yes" Hotch said rather bluntly because that was indeed the truth.
"Well, not that this should come as a surprise, but I've not had much to say to you." Emily's contempt oozed through her words.
"Fine" she heard him say. His one worded responses started to irritate her.
Hotch cleared his throat. "How long are we going to do this?" he stood from where they had been sat on the wall outside the bar and moved in front of her, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
Emily shrugged at him in confusion.
"What?" she asked.
"Us…how long are we going to pretend there's nothing between us?" he gestured between them.
"There is nothing between us… you should go back inside, y'know, to your wife." Emily stood and brushed her hands down the back of her thighs. She managed only a couple of steps before Hotch grabbed her arm and held her close.
"Emily…" he breathed near her ear.
Emily's eyes landed on the large hand that had wrapped completely around her forearm. He was so close to her; she could smell his citrusy cologne; something familiar yet different. She dared not look into his eyes, so she spoke facing their hands.
"If you have any respect for me, if not now then at some point, you'll take your hand off me." Her body began to react to his closeness, the heat from his hand, his manly scent.
Hotch loosened his hold on her and tilted his head to catch her eyes.
"I miss you." he said huskily as he leaned closer to her.
Emily snatched her arm from his hold and staggered back and away from him.
"You don't get to miss me, Hotch!" she raised her voice at him and finally meet his eyes where she glared at him.
"You don't feel anything for me?" he frowned at her.
"It doesn't matter what I may or may not feel. I feel like you should be back in their having a drink with your wife. You're married!" Emily hissed at him angrily.
"You are married and you're out here pandering after an old fling? Fucks sake, Hotch. This is ridiculous!" her body shook in rage. She couldn't believe he was doing this right now. There was no way in hell they were doing this. She wouldn't let him burn her carefully constructed little boxes.
"Hey!" Hotch boomed back, making her jump.
"You were more than a fling, you know that. Do not insult me, or us, or yourself by undermining what we had." He waved between them. "I was in love with you. You were never a fling" Hotch spat angrily.
"This is so not how imagined my life at the BAU, fighting with my married ex who hates me one minute and then does whatever the hell this is the next. What are you trying to do to me?" she was solemn in her question and Hotch's eyes softened. He didn't want to upset her.
"I don't want to hurt you, Em. I just need to know; do you feel something for me?" he held her stare. His tummy did flips waiting for her to answer him.
"Hotch, it doesn't matter. We've moved on, it's not like we have a choice here with the way things ended and have now turned out." Emily's eyes filled with tears at the memories resurfacing from the 'summer 98' boxes in her mind.
"You're the one who ended things." He said petulantly in an obvious tone as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and kicked a pebble towards the curb.
"No, you ended things." she argued back. Her subconscious scolded her for entertaining the childish back and forth.
"You're the one who said it couldn't continue" she bit out.
"Yeah, and you're the one who just left without saying goodbye!" Hotch yelled at her.
Emily held up a hand as if to warn him not to shout at her.
"We said goodbye." She started calmly. She held her nerve despite the tears that threatened to fall. Emily let out a shaky breath and looked up as she blinked away the tears.
"We talked, we laughed, we cried, we made love…" she spoke before scoffing and shook her head in annoyance, "I let myself be loved by you again and again knowing that the clock was running down.". Hotch swallowed the lump in his throat as he listened to Emily open up about their last night together. He had buried his feelings about that night and the next day pretty deep and since her start at the BAU, it had all started to resurface.
"I wasn't going to fall asleep in your arms just to wake up and go through it all again. I was crazy in love with you. How could I look at you, like you're looking at me now, and tell you goodbye?" she gave up fighting back the tears and one slipped down her cheek, and then another. Emily sniffed.
"The man who was and-"her voice faltered. "… and still is the love of my life… How do you say goodbye to that?" Emily's voice finally cracked, and she wiped her tears that fell freely. She needed to get out of here.
Hotch's mouthed dropped open at her admission.
"You're married Hotch, and you have a child. You're happy and I am happy for you, one day you'll treat me like one of the team and when you do, I'll be grateful to be your friend." She said sincerely because she meant it. She'll take friendship over nothing!
"Friend." Hotch closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose to retain some composure. The word cut through him like a blade. He decided to take a leap.
"I called your father…" he blurted out. Emily raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"About a year after I finished working for the ambassador. I told him I needed a reference and we got to talking, and uh, I think he was waiting for me to ask about you." He said quickly, almost tripping over his words.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"I asked how were getting on with school and where you were heading to next. He said Georgetown for your post grad and I was so pleased to hear you had not only graduated, not that you wouldn't, but that you would be here…" Horch paused and let out a sigh.
"And then he said you were dating someone and that it had been a few months, but he was pleased to see you were finally happy." Hotch's eyes were the ones that had gotten glassy.
"You were dating, and you were happy… So, I got married. I was so close to calling it off. I called him with every intention of calling off my wedding. I was crazy enough to think you maybe you would have waited." Hotch saw Emily's jaw tense and he quickly l held his hands up in defence "but I know we didn't talk about that, so I never blamed you." She instantly calmed.
"You called my dad?" Emily repeated his words in shock as his admission.
"Yes. You moved on, and I figured I ought to do the same" he sniffed. "And now, my marriage isn't turning out the way I thought I would, and you're here and–…" he stopped suddenly.
"And what, Hotch?" she asked.
"… And I'm pissed! You're here and I can't sleep, I can't focus and I'm just exhausted. I don't know what to do" he let out in a deflated voice.
"What do you mean? Your wife is lovely, and Jack is beautiful, the house… no dog though. You always wanted a dog" she wiped her moist cheek again.
"Haley is allergic… She doesn't understand me, the job… she wants the 9-5 life and I'm tired of having the same argument with her... I don't know." Hotch sighed.
"I'm sorry… I want you to be happy." Emily said genuinely. With all the courage she had, she walked towards him slowly and stood in front of him. He still loomed over her, and she brought her hand up to his cheek. She brushed her fingertips against his sideburn and stroked her thumb over the corner of his mouth. Hotch closed his eyes in contentment. The storm inside him settled as soon as the warmth of her hand touched his face.
"You deserve to be happy, but I won't be responsible for breaking up a family and ending a marriage. I'm better than that and I know you are too. The man I fell for all those years ago is better than that." She titled her head and pressed her finger into his face to get his attention. He opened his eyes and found her beautiful dark orbs.
"So, what do we do now?" he asked quietly. Emily smiled a tight, thin-lipped smile.
"We go home, Hotch… Thank you for the drink." she replied and dropped her hand. Suddenly she moved away and around him, to flag down a cab.
-flashback-
She heard the thud of the front door at 7:15 and her heart leapt in her chest. He was finally home! She carried on reading and waited for him to enter her room. She expected him to wash up and have some food before coming into her room to greet her; by that point most of the staff would have left for the day and her parents would be occupied.
It had almost been an hour when she closed her textbook and decided to go looking for the agent. Emily was confused by his lack of presence given they hadn't seen each other since early this morning. She briefly wondered if he had in fact arrived back home as he mentioned the days could be long.
She crept along the hallway and peeked through the drapes and eyed his SUV, 'so he was home'. Upon heading down the stairs and towards his office, she could see the movement of a shadow through gap between the door and frame. He had left it ajar, likely by mistake, and she noticed the shadow moving from left to right, and then right to left. He was pacing. Her pulse quickened at the thought of something bothering him, so she slowly opened the door and entered his office.
He wore lose combat pants and boots with a dirty white academy t shirt. He looked dishevelled and nothing like the regular put together agent he was. The t shirt clung to his stunning form but was filthy with brown and red smudges all over it along with what appeared to be a tear. He carried on pacing, not noticing his door open, and sipped clear liquid from a crystal tumbler in his hand.
"Aaron?" she spoke softly as to not startle him.
Hotch stopped walking immediately and looked at her dead in the eye. He had a small band aid on the side of his forehead, and he stared at her with sad eyes.
"Are you ok? Jesus Aaron, what happened to you? And why are you wet?" she asked as she moved closer to him and spied the footprints on the wooden floor. She could hear him shiver and saw the material of his shirt was see through as a result.
"I'm sorry I didn't come up already, I needed a sec" he breathed.
"It's ok, I'm sorry for letting myself in, I wanted to see if you were ok." she replied.
He was visibly shaking, likely because of being cold. He tipped back the rest of his drink and poured himself another helping from the half empty bottle on his desk.
He had lost overall count of the times he used his mother's 'calm down' technique and started from 10 again as he mustered the courage to speak with her.
After a couple of sips from his refilled glass, which Emily noticed was filled with tequila, he took a deep breath before speaking.
"I-I… uh… I need your help" he stuttered.
Emily had never seen Hotch in any way other than confident and composed, and then with her, he was protective and sweet. She didn't recognise the quivering human in front of her who couldn't hold eye contact and much less speak.
"Ok, anything." she replied simply.
Hotch nodded and closed his eyes. He gulped the rest of the tequila in his glass and set the tumbler on his desk. Slowly, he walked towards her on shaky legs and reached for her hand. Now they were closer, she saw the smudges on his shirt and pants were from dirt and blood. His hair was damp and his whole body continued to shudder.
Adrenaline coursed through him as he tried to find his words. Although he was cold, anxiety consumed him as the box inside his mind was minutes away from imploding, and his darkest secret would rear its ugly head after years of being supressed.
"Aaron, look at me, love" Emily spoke gently.
He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to control his breathing, but nothing worked. His hallow deep breaths could likely be heard in the hallway.
"I'm going to put my hands on your face, it's ok" Emily stated calmly. She raised her hands and placed them on his cheeks. He held his breath and the trembling in his body persisted. Emily's worry hadn't eased, and she wondered if she would need to call someone for help.
"Baby, I need you to calm down, please. Whatever it is, it's ok, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I've got you." she spoke lowly as she stood on his tip toes to press her forehead to his.
She could feel Hotch try to control his breathing and he tensed his jaw.
"Watch me, Aaron. Breathe with me." She said as she began taking long, deep breaths.
Aaron kept his eyes screwed shut as if fighting the imminent pain. He was scared he would end up having a panic attack, but Emily's soothing voice cut through the fear like a hot knife cutting through butter. He listened to Emily and started to work with her, breathing slowly and deeply.
He felt his heart rate slow, and he let out a groan in his throat. He would be dammed if he let her see him cry.
"That's really good, love. I'm going to move my hands, ok? Keep breathing," she whispered as her left hand slipped back along his jaw to the back of his hand where she curled her fingers into his thick hair. Her right hand moved down over his shoulder, and she pressed her palm flat on his chest over his heart. His shirt was freezing and moist under her fingers. Hotch let out a strained gasp and grabbed her hip to steady himself. She felt his quickened heartrate and spoke again.
"Aaron, we need to get you out of these clothes. You're going to get sick."
"Y-yes." she heard him whisper back.
"I-I need to talk t-to you about that. Uhh" he said with a trembling voice.
Finally, Hotch opened his eyes and when Emily looked at him, she could see his unshed tears.
"I'm getting really worried here." she curled and uncurled her hand in his hair to sooth him. "What is going on?" she breathed.
"I'm so sorry for worrying y-you, Em" he managed to speak again.
"It's ok, keep breathing, just like this" she took a deep breath through her nose and out through her mouth. He nodded and breathed with her.
The thundering under the fingers resting on the cool fabric covering his chest calmed further and she continued to play with his hair. 'This seems to help' her subconscious encouraged her. Hotch brought his free hand to hers reasting on his chest and folded her hand in his whilst the hand on her hip had scrunched the hem of her top in his tightly clenched fist.
"I've got you, Aaron." She said reassuringly, purposely using the same words he did when he helped her not too long ago.
Hotch took another deep breath and started to relax. His tight jaw had loosened, and his breathing was more even.
"Can you help me please?" he croaked.
"Yes, love. I'm right here with you." She answered.
"I got hurt today… my boot got caught on something whilst I climbed the wall on the assault course we were running on and well, I slid down the other side on my back and I'm sure there's some cuts or something because… well, look at me" he rambled nervously.
"That's alright, why are you wet?" she spoke soothingly.
"I didn't see the trail veer off, I tripped and fell into a puddle." He breathed.
"I appreciate you telling me and I'm not judging you but aren't you usually more switched on?" she asked genuinely.
Hotch sensed her apprehension with asking the question and nodded.
"In my defence, a girl usually isn't on my mind" he spoke lowly.
She attempted to lighten the mood.
"Huh… she must be a catch to cause this kinda damage." she smiled at him and winked.
Hotch pressed his lips into a small smile. The anxiety that was at bay, began to ripple again like the tide changing before a tsunami.
Emily could see his jaw clench and tightened her hold on his hand.
"Shhh, it's ok, it's ok… what can I do?" she asked softly.
"I need… I need you to check my back. Please?" he bit out the word "please" as if he'd been stabbed whilst saying it.
"I can take a look. Take off your shirt." she said as she took a step back and let go of his hand.
Hotch took a deep breath, grabbed the hem of his t shirt and whipped it over his head quickly. He dropped it next to his feet and heard the squelch of the wet fabric hit the hard floor.
Emily bit her thumb at the sight of him. He looked beyond cute with his wet ruffled hair, although her heart constricted at the thought of Hotch in so much pain, and too scared to talk to her about things.
He began to breath heavily again and was still facing Emily. His hands balled into fists at his sides, and she noticed some bruising on his torso.
"Aaron, you need to turn around. It's ok, it's just me" she said gently.
"I don't think I can do this…" he said in his usual deep, gruff voice.
"I've got you. It's just me, and look, no touching until you say so." she tilted her head to catch his eyes so he could see the promise she was making.
"Aaron?" his eyes moved to hers again.
"You are safe with me." She spoke each word carefully, understanding his vulnerability.
Hotch let out a sigh and turned slowly until his back was to Emily. The only part of his physique he was ashamed off, and nothing to do with his health but to do with the abuse suffered at the hands of his father.
The only people who knew where his mother, Sean and grandparents. He had always showered separately at the gyms in high school, kept away from everyone when swimming and any girlfriends he had, he always made some lame excuse for trying a new position during sex so they wouldn't touch him or question him.
The only person he had said no to was Emily when they first slept together. Now, it was second nature to her not to touch his back though he could see the question looming in her eyes. He was fortunate that she didn't ask, she simply respected his wishes.
She moved closer to him to inspect the part of his body she was yet to explore. Whilst there was a long scratch, from where she stood, all she could see was muscle.
"E-emily?" He asked with trembling sigh.
"I'm here" she replied.
"How's it look?" he asked. The silence was deafening, and embarrassment was threatening to spill from inside of him.
"Tanned and muscular" Emily dazed.
"Uhhh… any scratches?" he pondered allowed.
She walked a few steps closer to him in order to see better in the dimly lit office and only then she could see why Hotch had been self-conscious. His perfectly sculpted back was imperfect from fresh grazes from his training accident earlier in the day. She could see raised marks also. Scars. All kinds of shapes and sizes littered his back from his shoulder blades to his lower back. She could swear some looked familiar but couldn't quite put her finger on the shape.
She looked down at his shaking hands at his side and saw the veins in his arms strain again his skin. Her eyes watered at the man fighting so hard to stay in control, she wanted to take all of his pain away for him.
She sniffed and spoke up "Yeah, there are some grazes but enough to wreck your top. I'm going to get a towel, one sec" she moved to the en-suite washroom and dampened a towel. When she returned, she watched the muscles in his back ripple as he continued to tense them out of sheer terror.
"Aaron, I'm going to press the towel onto your back. I promise you; I'm not going to touch you. It's just the towel. Oh, and it might be a little cold" she said tenderly.
Hotch nodded and flinched when the cool fabric pressed against him. Emily watched is shoulder blades meet as he tensed. Tears fell again from her eyes at the sight of her love in pain. She heard his laboured breathing, and he raised his hand to squeeze the back of his neck.
"It's ok, Aaron" she whispered.
"Who did this to you?" She asked.
"I-I-I can't… talk about it". He grit out.
"Aaron, you can tell me anything. Trust me" she replied to him. She took a breath and stood closer to him. She shyly leaned forward to press a kiss to the back of his arm.
"Can I touch you?" She warily asked.
"I don't know… I've never… no one has, y'know?" He waved his hand to make his point without saying more.
"Ok ok… we can try it?" She asked again and to her surprise he nodded in agreement.
Slowly, she grabbed his wrist and moved her soft palm up his arm until she curled her fingers around his firm shoulder.
"Just breathe, you're safe." She spoke. "I'm going to put my hand on the back on your shoulder".
She placed her hand flat on his shoulder, a feather light touch and Hotch flinched. His breathing became heavy again and Emily repeated herself.
"Aaron, breathe…"
She pressed her finger tips a little firmer into the warm skin on his back and stroked her thumb over a scar. He groaned aloud at the touch.
Hotch shook his head.
"Do you want me to stop?" She asked gently.
"No. Just…" he sighed. "… just keep going."
With his permission, she pressed her free hand to the middle of his back and splayed her fingers out to feel as much of him as possible while she could.
The noise Hotch let out was almost euphoric. The last time someone had touched this part of him had been his father when he thrashed a leather belt across his back for the last time.
"I can't look over my shoulder to see myself in a mirror… because I can't think about him."
"Who?" She asked and removed her hands from him. She heard and saw his body haunch over as if a balloon deflated when he let out the deep breath he'd been holding. She pressed her body against his, her front to his back, and pressed her cheek to his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his waist.
"My father." He said icily.
Her eyes widen at his confession and things gradually fell into place. Hotch had been abused by his father, the scars on his back were caused by someone who should love their children and protect them.
"H-he hurt us. He hurt me and I haven't seen him or spoken with him since I was eight. He smacked me around a bit, more so when I started defending mom. She got it worse, but after a while, my attitude changed towards him so out came the belt. He beat the shit out of me and eventually he looked like he actually enjoyed it." He sighed and closed his eyes not wanting to remember but understanding that he couldn't stop now.
He stared at his reflection in the office window and felt Emily's fingers press into his abs as if willing him to continue.
"I learned to not make a noise which would piss him off more I guess, but one day I had a feeling he'd go for Sean. He was just a baby and I tried to stop him going into his room, but he hit me so hard I fell down the stairs. I woke up a few days later in hospital with a concussion, a couple of broken ribs, cuts and bruises. Mom finally left him."
"It took me ending up in hospital, but we left, and my grandfather said we'd never have to go back there" Hotch said slowly.
"Baby…" she whispered and pressed a kiss against one of the scars.
"No." He lunged forward and away from Emily. He immediately felt the loss of her warmth wrapped around him. He turned to face her. She could see his wet eyes and realised he had been crying.
"Can you… can you not!" He said with a slight edge to his voice.
"They're apart of you, Aaron, I-"she stuttered.
"They're the worst part!" he snapped "I didn't want you to even see them, and here you are kissing them!" his eyebrows knitted together in disgust.
"How long did you think you could hide them, Aaron? We're sleeping together, this was going to happen eventually." she explained obviously.
"Not every woman I have sex with asks questions, Emily!" he clapped back, raising his voice. He saw Emily purse her lips and he knew he crossed a line.
"Not every woman you have sex with? Are you kidding me right now? I'm not going to apologise for caring enough to talk to you, Hotch. Going through what you have doesn't make you defective." Emily said calmly though his words hurt. Was this just sex? He said he was crazy about her… unless it was a ruse to get her into bed? Her mind went into a frenzy of 'what ifs'.
"Well, I feel defective." He replied bluntly.
Emily took a step forward to reach for him, but he moved before she could touch him.
"You should go. Thank you for your help" he said dismissively and wiped his eyes with his palms.
Emily didn't argue with him, but she couldn't help but think about his words.
She blinked away the tears that threatened to fall and walked towards the heavy door of his office.
Emily turned back to him "I thought this was more than just sex, Hotch." She said quietly but clear enough for him to hear the underlying hurt.
Hotch closed his eyes and raked a hand through his hair when Emily closed the door and left him on his own.
He'd find a way to make it up to her. For now, he felt lighter than he had in years but at the same time, he was spent. Years of shoving his emotions surrounding his father into a box and burying it deep had taken its toll.
He proceeded to pour another drink to calm his nerves and then clear himself up so he could talk to his girlfriend.
Thank you for sticking around. Dabbling again in the present soon!