Chapter 4
Uijeongu, Korea; September 1st, 1951
The bulb over the operating table lickered feebly and then went out. Hawkeye sighed and removed the clamp he was about to set on the artery of the patient in front of them.
"You know if it gets any darker in here we won't have to go to your place." He quipped to Bigalow, who was refilling their gauze tray.
"Now this one's going..." grumbled Charles, indicating the lightbulb flickering above his table.
"Klinger, light bulb on the double." Colonel Potter called.
"If I can find my way out of here." Came the response from the end of the room, and Ellie Marie heard the door open and close.
"Gel foam." Charles said, to Nurse Baker, who was assisting him.
"Easy on the Gel foam troops. We're running low." Cautioned Colonel Potter.
"We're running low on everything but customers." B.J. pointed out.
Their latest shipment of supplies was going on two and a half weeks late, and they were stretching their already meager stache of back up supplies dangerously thin.
"Colonel, did those buffoons at headquarters give you any reason why the supplies are late?" Charles asked.
"Yes, they said there's a war on." The Colonel replied dryly.
"There is? I can't see it." B.J. said.
"I think they should call it on account of darkness." Hawkeye added. Another bulb flickered.
"That's a very dim outlook." Ellie Marie countered, and he chuckled.
"These are the most deplorable conditions I've ever seen." Snapped Charles.
"Awww come on Major, lighten up." She called, earning her a glare from him and grins from her fellow Captains.
"Sorry Charles, we're all out of suede lined rubber gloves." B.J. teased with an austere voice.
"Not to mention 100 percent silk operating gowns." Hawkeye added.
"A pity we're not out of juvenile prattle." Charles muttered.
"Juvenile prattle he says!" Hawkeye proclaimed in mock outrage.
"And you haven't even hit him with your best 'nah nah nee boo boo' yet." She quipped.
"I got one sir!" Proclaimed Klinger bursting back into the room holding a light bulb and immediately catching his shin on the edge of a table. He hobbled over and reached across their table to replace the dead bulb in their lamp.
"Klinger in this light you look just like Boris Karloff's sister." Hawkeye teased.
"Thank you sir." He replied in his best Boris Karloff expression.
"Where'd you get it, Klinger?" The Colonel asked.
"From one of the tents." Klinger answered, carefully making his way back towards the doors.
"Good man." said the Colonel, "Somebody will just have to skip writing home tonight."
"Hope Mrs. Potter won't mind." Klinger responded with a guilty look.
"Oh swell!" Colonel Potter grumbled, "What happened to rank has its privileges?"
"It went out with the light bulb sir." Klinger said with a shrug as he walked back out the door.
"4.0 silk." said Hawkeye.
"We're out." She answered.
"3.0 silk then."
"Out."
"Well, what do we have?" He snapped.
"Max's sewing kit?" She offered.
The next morning she found herself standing in the supply closet, staring at an empty shelf and willing it to fill with the things she needed. They were down to tearing apart the older sheets to use as larger bandages and there had been talking of experimentIng with last week's bread for penicillin. Though she knew that part had been a joke, mostly. The door behind her flew open and Klinger came barging past her.
"That's it, I'm done. If anyone asks, I've gone AWOL." He said, walking behind the shelves and plopping on the floor against the far wall. She set down her clip board and went to sit beside him.
"Not enjoying your role as the most popular member of the 4077th?" she asked.
"The lab needs a bulb, and that's a priority because we need to get the blood work done. So I go to Post Op, but Major fuddyduddy doesn't want me to take his bulb, so Pierce says take his but then oh no, the Major can't look like he's not as altruistic as Pierce so he says take his then it's back and forth and up and down the damn ladder just to finally get the bulb to the lab and find out that now the Colonel needs one in his office because he's trying to fill out a requisition form to figure out where the hell our supplies currently. I'm done. The next person who says the word light bulb gets a swift kick in the rear."
"I'm with ya." She said, "I say we stay here until someone else comes up with a plan to fix it. Or they find us. whichever comes first."
"Ellie Marie you still in here?" Came Radar's voice from the doorway.
"Well it was fun while it lasted." She sighed.
"What do you need Radar?" She asked.
"Nothin. It's just somebody said they saw Klinger come in here, and I was looking for him."
"Go away Radar!" Klinger yelled, "I'm deserting! As of this moment I am no longer a member of this man's army!"
"Well alright but I just thought maybe you'd wanna know that the supply truck just pulled into the compound!" He snapped back.
"Why didn't you say so!" Klinger said, jumping to his feet and pulling her up with him. They ran past Radar and out to the truck in the compound. Hawkeye was prying the lid off a large box and looked dejected. She peeked into the container.
"Alright madam, if you can guess what that is, you win a lifetime supply of anchovy sherbet." He said.
"That's an ice cream churn!" Colonel Potter exclaimed.
"Please no prompting from the audienceâ." Hawkeye continued.
"That might have come in handy about two months ago." Father Mulcahy chimed in, "Where are the light bulbs?"
"No light bulbs." Said B.J. hopping heavily off the truck, "also no bandages, no Gel foam, and no sutures."
"You're kidding," groaned Ellie Marie , "what's in all the crates then?"
"Salt tablets, mosquito netting, and probably a thousand gallons of sunscreen."
Now it was everyone's turn to groan.
Later that night the nurses all sat in their tent by the light of one single candle trying to decide on something to do to break up the monotony.
"You know at least this happened now and not in three months." Baker pointed out, "remember last winter when our shipment of heating oil was late and we resorted to burning the outdated medical journals."
"And then someone got into Hawkeye's stache of nudist magazines and I was sure we'd either have a murder or a suicide. Or both." Bigalow added as they all laughed.
"So this is a regular thing?" Ellie Marie asked, and Baker shrugged.
"More regular than it should be. I feel like it's worse this time because of the light bulbs. Everybody gets testy when we lose something necessary. How's Klinger holding up by the way? I know we've all been running him ragged."
"He's ok." Ellie Marie said, "He only contemplated going AWOL once today." They all laughed appreciatively.
After another two long days without light, everyone was on edge. Ellie Marie slid into a spot in the mess tent next to Hawkeye, who was pushing his food around his plate with a fork and glaring at it.
"I can't decide if it gets better or worse when you can't see it." He said. Charles smacked his tray down opposite him and leaned over the table.
"Pierce, it has been almost six hours. I realize your reading comprehension may be somewhat delayed but how long does it take you to read one simple chapter!"
"Will you get off my back! I had Post Op duty, I have four pages left and I'm heading back to the Swamp to read them as soon as I'm done here!"
"What's he talking about?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Peg sent B.J. a new book. A mystery called The Rooster Crows At Midnight. With the distinct lack of entertainment around here, he's benevolently allowed us to read it chapter by chapter as he finishes it." Hawkeye explained.
"Ooo sounds fun! I want in!" She said.
"Hold on now I am next in line for chapter one!" Said Charles, "and Margaret is after me!"
"So put me on the list after herâ.." Ellie Marie said.
--
"I've got it!!" She proclaimed, three days later as she walked into the main office holding the pages high above her head, "Chapter four!!"
Klinger held up a hand from where he was seated at Radar's desk on the phone, motioning for her to be quiet.
"You don't understand!" He shouted down the line, "We're running out of everything! Somebody cut up my best petticoat to make bandages! The colonel wants to know, when do we get our supplies??" He paused to listen to the response and then rolled his eyes.
"That's not good enough bimbo!" He yelled, and then bristled at the shout that answered him.
"Oh yeah? Well, don't be surprised if you wake up at the bottom of the Yalu River wearing a cement kimono!" He snapped.
"Same to you fish bait!" He finished before slamming the phone back in the receiver.
"Wearing a cement Kimono, Capone?" She teased, as she leaned against the desk next to him. He shot her a look but smirked.
"I can't stand those damned clerks at Quartermaster. They're all by the numbers. Who cares if our surgeons are operating by candle light and we're holding wounds together with a hope and prayer because the sutures ran out. The supplies arrive when they are scheduled to arrive, no exceptions, no deviations!"
He flopped his head down on his arms and sighed.
"Where's the guy whose job it actually is to talk to Quartermaster and get them in line? Ya know without threatening to take a tire iron to their knee caps."
"He went to the 8063rd to beg for enough to tide us over. He should be back any minute." Klinger said.
"Good. Then while we wait you gotta come see what I set up for our reading!" She said, tugging on his arm. He looked up at her dully and she put her hands on her hips.
"Is staying in a bad mood going to make the supplies get here any faster?" She asked, and he sighed.
"No." He admitted, and he allowed her to pull him out of the chair and towards the supply closet in the back corner.
"I stole the sheets from the V.I.P tent because no one was using them, and brought my own pillows and blankets." She explained.
In the middle of the room she'd erected a makeshift tent with a blanket and several pillows on the ground.
"What's this supposed to be?" He asked.
"The tent of mystery..." She said in her best spooky voice, holding the flashlight under her chin to make her appear goulish. He chuckled.
"You're a nut." He said.
"Takes one to know one." She retorted and she walked into the room and crawled into the tent, he followed her.
"It is kinda cool in here." He admitted, looking around once they were inside.
'No Max...it's not supposed to be cool. It's supposed to be mysterious and spooky." She complained.
"Oh right my bad..." He said, grabbing the flashlight and holding it under his own chin while he gave his best deep and ominous laugh, "better?"
"Much." She said laughing, she grabbed the second flashlight and they began a competition to see who could give the most ridiculous evil villain cackle.
"Jeez Louise, what the heck are you guys doing in here?" Radar said from the doorway a few minutes later.
They poked their heads out of the tent to look at him, looked back at each other and simultaneously gave the biggest most booming laugh yet, and then collapsed into giggles.
"And people say I need to grow up..." Radar muttered.
"Come on!" Ellie Marie said, "we've got chapter four and we've been waiting for you to get back."
"Alright." He said, climbing into the tent next to them.
"How'd the supply run to the 8063rd go?" Klinger asked.
"I don't wanna talk about itâ." He grumbled.
"That good huh?"
"Hey listen though," Radar said, "If we're gonna read another chapter Ellie's the one reading this time. The last chapter had all that stuff about boudoirs and bosoms and nakedness." He whispered the last word as if he was afraid someone might hear, "and you get way too excitable when you read!" He finished, smacking Klinger's arm.
"Hey! What can I say? Mine are a hot blooded people, if the book has passion, I read with passion!" Klinger said.
"Yeah well like I saidâ.that's why I want Ellie to read." Radar responded.
"Are you saying I'm cold and passionless?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh come on now, you know that's not what I meant!" He complained, "can we just read the chapter already? And hopefully no one is lusting after anyone this time."
"You know Walter...I think maybe you're old enough to know nowâ." Klinger teased, "When a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much."
"Shut up Klinger." Radar snapped.
--
You know it's funny." Klinger said a few hours later, "you'd think if Radar was so uncomfortable with those racy scenes in the book, it'd make him more embarrassed to hear them read by a pretty girl than by the likes of me."
"Will you please hold still?" Ellie Marie said.
She was in her traditional spot on the empty oil drum at the edge of camp, from which she kept him company while he was on late night guard duty. He'd caught the strap of his rifle on his blouse, breaking the clasp on the back and she was attempting to fix it with his emergency sewing kit and a flashlight she had wedged between her ear and shoulder.
"And did you just call me pretty?" She added, finishing the last stitch and readjusting his blouse.
"You know you're pretty." He said dismissively, "don't be one of those girls who pretends not to know that people find her attractive."
"I'm not." She countered, "I was just clarifying."
He made a quick loop of the perimeter that he was supposed to be watching and Ellie Marie pulled her jacket tighter around her shoulders. It was only the beginning of the autumn season, most days were still warm, but there was a definite chill in the air by this time of night.
"You know the camp really does seem extra eerie when it's lit with just candlelight." He remarked, as he walked back to his place beside her.
"Hey, I've got a question." She said.
"Then I've got an answer." He quipped back.
"If I wanted to learn Arabic. Would you teach me?" She asked.
"Why the hell would you want to learn Arabic?" He asked.
"I like learning languages." She explained, "I took both Spanish and French when I was in school. I was pretty good, though I'm a little rusty now. I asked Mi Jeong, the washer woman's daughter to start teaching me Korean a few weeks ago too. Figured it would be practical."
"And see I get that one." He replied, " because you're right it's useful. How's Arabic useful to you in Korea?"
"You mean besides being a fun little project for the both of us? Learning multiple languages at once has been proven to be good for your brain, and make retention easier. Besides," she shot him a mischievous grin, "if you teach me how to speak Arabic we can talk about people right in front of their faces without them knowing what we're saying." He returned her grin.
"Now see you shoulda led with that." He said, "where do you wanna start?"
"At the beginning I guess?" She said.
"Alright well hello is. Marhaban, or 'ahlan if you're being informal." He explained, "and if you want to say, 'hello, how do you do?' It's 'ahlan wa-sahlan."
"Ahlan wa-sahlan." She repeated.
"Perfect." He said, "You're a pro."
"Now if you wanna tell someone your name it's asmi hu. So if I were saying it to you I'd say asmi hu Max." He said, "Well technically I'd probably say asmi hu Qadir. Because that's my Arabic name."
"That's what the Q stands for?" She asked, and he tapped the side of his nose and smiled in confirmation.
"Ok then. Let me see if I can get this right." She said, sitting up taller, "Marhaban Qadir... asmi hu Ellie Marie . wa-sahlan?"
"You got it!" He exclaimed, clapping his hands together.
"Ya know when I think about it, this might be kinda fun." He said, "I can't remember the last time I had someone to speak Arabic with."
They spent the next hour working on basic phrases and once he was happy with her progress they moved on to coming up with nicknames for all of their friends. They settled on simply using Hawk for Hawkeye, and the Arabic word for king for Colonel Potter and Queen for Major Houlihan, Charles the decided to refer to as 'the third' in reference to his name, and B.J. was tall one. Radar was the one that gave them the most trouble but in the end they decided on, little friend. It wasn't as if he'd ever hear it anyway. As was usual, the crowing of a rooster signified the end of Klinger's shift.
"Time to turn in for the night Freddie. Or I guess turn in for the morning would be more accurate." She said.
"Looks that way doesn't it G?" He responded.
After they'd stormed the dance floor at the bonfire afterparty the rest of the camp had taken to calling them Fred and Ginger as a joke. The joke itself had died out after a few days, but the names ended up sticking though hers had been shortened to G as to not confuse her with the actual nurse Ginger. Klinger walked her back to her door and she said a quick goodnight to him before falling into her bed fully clothed.
She only slept a few hours, being that she had gotten a few hours in before she joined Klinger. It was about 9 when she got up, changed and made her way towards the mess tent. The change of shifts was underway so the morning crew had just come in for a late breakfast. She grabbed some coffee and sat down next to Major Houlihan.
"Good morning Captain." Margaret said.
"Good morning Major," she returned.
"Did you get the new duty roster filled out for next week?" Margaret asked.
"Yes Ma'am finished and written out in triplicate. One on your desk in Post Op, one on Colonel Potter's desk and one on file with Radar." She said.
"Good." Margaret said, then she looked around and leaned in conspiratorially, "did you finish chapter four yet?" She said quietly.
"Yes! We read it last night. Can you believe that twist with the nephew?"
"Forget about the nephew, what about the Reverend?!? I'm pretty sure that little tangent he took in Normandy wasn't sanctioned by the church!" Margaret replied.
"What wasn't sanctioned by the church?" Said Father Mulcahy, sitting down across from them with a cup of coffee.
"The liaison Reverend Butterfield had in Normandy that we found out about in Chapter Four." Ellie Marie said.
"Oh, yes I read about that this morning." The Father said, "I have to say it was very disappointing."
"You wanna talk disappointing, you guys hear the bad news?" Said Klinger, joining the Father.
"No," said Margaret, "what is it?"
"The last page of the book is missing. We don't know who done it!"
"WHAT?" Margaret shouted, "that's outrageous! How can that even be possible?"
"Hey Major, don't shoot the messenger! I just happened to be there when they found out." Klinger said, raising his hands in innocence, "Everybody's coming up with their own theories about how it must've ended. Captain Hunnicutt is convinced it was the Revered but I don't buy it." He shot Father Mulcahy a look.
"I wouldn't be so sure." The Father said, "after what I read in Chapter four."
"Oh come on Father that was thirty years ago...you wouldn't judge a man by the follies of his youth would you?" Klinger countered.
"It seems a bit of a moot point now anyway." Father Mulcahy answered.
"Moot Shmute." Said Margaret, "I didn't read half of that damned book just to never know how it ends. We're figuring this thing out."
"I still don't buy your solution to the murder." Klinger insisted to B.J. about ten minutes later. A sizable group had formed at their table. "Reverend Butterfield was like a father to me."
"Anyone interested in a woman's opinion?" Said Bigalow, sitting down next to Hawkeye.
"Hey what are we then? Chopped liver?" Ellie countered, pointing to her and Margaret.
"You know what I mean." Bigalow said with a laugh, "Anyway the murderer has to be Lady Penelope."
"The woman scorned." Margaret said, nodding in agreement, "that makes sense."
"Actually I thought she was worth a lot more." Said Father Mulcahy, "I agree with B.J., Reverend Butterfield did it."
"No he didn't!" Klinger said.
"No he didn't." B.J. agreed. They all looked up.
"I completely forgot about lord Arbruster's nephew Randolph." He said.
"I knew an Armbruster once..." Hawkeye piped up, "She had--"
"Will you shut up!" Margaret cut across him, "Go on B.J."
"It couldn't have been Reverend Butterfield. You recall he set sail from Australia and didn't dock in Southampton until two days after the murder."
"Maybe he jumped ship?" Radar suggested.
"And swam the last 500 miles?" B.J. countered, "Therefore it had to be the nephew Randolph. He had motive, he was in love with Cheever's mistress."
"But how did Randolph get into the locked library?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Through the secret panel behind the bookcase." B.J. answered.
"Come on..." Hawkeye said, shaking his head in disbelief.
"You're just not used to deductive reasoning." B.J. continued, "Randolph played in Huntley Manor as a child. Therefore, if there had been a secret panel in the bookcase he'd have known about it. Plus there's the insanity in the family."
"That's the part I like best." Klinger muttered to her and she gave him a nudge with her elbow.
"Case closed." B.J. Concluded, " That's using the old brain pan."
"Now if you could only solve the case of the short supplies." Margaret said.
"Yeah but you better hurry." Hawkeye said, "The electric lightbulb is becoming a filament of my imagination."
--
"B.J." Baker called a few hours later as they were moving a few men who'd come in off an ambulance for surgery to Post Op.
"Yo." He answered.
"It couldn't have been Randolph." She said.
"Why not?"
"Because Randolph suffered from vertigo. He got dizzy if he stood on his toes."
"So?"
"So he never could have climbed out on the roof and dropped the gargoyle on Sir Winslow." Baked pointed out.
"You're right..." B.J. Said with a sigh.
"Told you it wasn't Randolph." Said Hawkeye, grabbing the chart out of his hand and walking to the newest patient. "Had to be Maurice, the French accountant."
"How you feeling?" He said to the patient.
"Alive they tell me. Thanks to you." He said.
"My press agent gets ten percent of all of this." Hawkeye quipped back as he sat on the edge of the bed and checked the man's vitals, " So what military madness brought you here?" He asked.
"I was out on patrol, on my way back to my company. I found another man's footprints in the mud. That's good, you know? You walk in his tracks and you're safe from mines. Then his footprints stopped."
"Stopped? What do you mean?" said Hawkeye.
"Where the mud turned red." The man answered. Ellie Marie felt bile rise in her throat, and she swallowed hard.
"I stood there for a while in his last clear step. I was afraid to move."the man continued, "But eventually I figured I couldn't just stand there waiting to get shot. Wrong choice. I took one, maybe two steps. That was it." Hawkeye put a comforting hand on his arm.
"Better get some sleep." He said gently, before getting up.
"Thanks Doc." He said, and he closed his eyes.
As Hawkeye walked towards the desk in the back of the room, Charles entered from the end of the ward. Hawkeye gave him a cursory look, and then continued to the desk as if he wasn't there. Charles watched him with a look of slight confusion before waking further into the room.
"Well Pierce." he said, Hawkeye ignored him.
"No witticism about returning to the scene of the crime?" No response.
"Not that uh...that you wouldn't be somewhat justified." Charles stuttered clearly unnerved by Hawkeye's behavior.
"Look, I admit what I did to that boy is totally inexcusable."
"Uh huh." Hawkeye agreed, still not looking at him.
"Well, perhaps not totally..." Charles continued, "After all, I had been in surgery for 14 straight hours, and it was dark in there, but is that any excuse for misreading a label?" Hawkeye ignored the question.
"I said is that any excuse for misreading a label?" He stepped closer to Hawkeye as he asked again.
"Not really." He answered for himself when it was clear Hawkeye wouldn't, "Look, if that man had died his blood would be on my hands. But at least acknowledge that it takes a courageous man to admit when he was wrong!" Charles snapped, and she could hear the edge of emotion in his voice, "You might at least say something!"
"What do you want from me?!?" Hawkeye finally snapped, slamming the folder down on the desk and turning to face him.
"At the moment simple acknowledgement!" Charles shot back.
"Look Winchester, if you want to vacuum your conscience, why don't you go see Father Mulcahy? He's offering absolution right around the corner." Hawkeye said coldly.
"Why are you being so unfeeling about my feelings?" Charles asked, and Ellie Marie felt a twinge of sympathy. She knew how much it took for him to admit that kind of vulnerability. But Hawkeye was just getting started.
"I don't give a damn about your feelings." He said rounding on Charles, "A man almost dies and all you can think about is how it affects you. Only you!"
"Now just a minute." Charles tried to speak but Hawkeye cut him off, "You know why you can't work in the dark? There's no limelight. Without an audience a patient means nothing to you. You just don't care."
"I care enough to be brilliant at what I do." Charles snapped.
"Okay yeah fine." Hawkeye conceded, "Technically you're among the best around."
"Now we're getting somewhere." Said Charles, crossing his arms, the smugness was creeping back into his tone.
"But if I were hurt I'd want Potter or Hunnicutt to work on me." Hawkeye finished.
"But if you say I'm that good..." Charles said, looking confused.
"They'd bust a gut to save a life, you wouldn't even work up a good sweat!"
"I was sweating when I saved that boy's life with my scalpel!" Winchester said.
"You didn't start to sweat until after you used the hypodermic!" Hawkeye shot back angrily.
"Envy isn't it Pierce?" Charles said acidly. Hawkeye let out a derisive burst of laughter.
"No..it's envy." Charles continued, "I saw it at the beginning. You envy my skill, my expertise."
"All I envy is your chutzpah." Hawkeye said, stepping so that they were practically nose to nose, "You sanctimonious, back bait...""
"Enough!" Charles cut across him, straightening to his full height which was an inch or so taller than Hawkeye, "Do you deny calling me a superior surgeon?" He challenged.
"Not quite." Hawkeye shot back, "I called you a superior sturgeon. You're the biggest lox in all Korea!"
Charles rolled his eyes and turned to storm out the door. Hawkeye looked like he was considering following him but B.J. grabbed his arm.
"Will you forget about him?" He said, "I think I finally found the solution to The Rooster Crows at Midnight."
"Charles did it." Griped Hawkeye, still glaring at the door.
"Stop it already." B.J. said, unperturbed by his attitude, "This time I've really solved it."
Ellie Marie walked away, suddenly feeling quite uninterested in the outcome of the story. She moved to the end of the ward and out the doors. The sun was setting and it only took her a cursory glance to find the Major sitting on a crate just around the corner of the building. She walked over and hopped up next to him.
"You were so close..." She said after a moment's silence. He sighed and leaned his head back against the wall.
"That is what I get!" He said gesturing towards the sky, "for trying to be a better person!"
"Well I mean..." she countered. He sat up and pointed angrily at the building.
"I went into that room contrite!" He said angrily, " I went in with a genuine apology! Admitting my mistakes and taking ownership for them! Do you know how hard that was for me?"
"I do." Ellie Marie assured him, "and you're right you did but then you also turned it into a who's the superior surgeon debate." She added.
"He turned it into that!" Charles said, "he's the one who decided to start attacking me when I was simply attempting to express remorse!"
"You're right." Ellie Marie agreed, "You have the right to your feelings as much as the next person, and Pierce has no right to accuse you of not caring."
"He certainly doesn't" Charles agreed.
"I know you care, Charles." Ellie Marie said, "you wouldn't feel guilt if you didn't. As high as you sit on your horse of pomposity, sometimes I think Pierce can give you a run for your money on his high horse of sanctimony. But you both mean well, and you both want what's best for your patients. You're more alike than you realize."
"If you are trying to improve my mood, you are failing miserably." Charles grumbled, pressing his hands to his eyes.
"So are you going to tell me what actually happened?" She asked.
"I misread a bottle, as you heard. I injected a patient with undiluted curare. He was instantly paralyzed, and if Hunnicutt hadn't realized the mistake immediately and performed life saving measures, he would have died."
"Oh my god." Ellie Marie gasped, "Charles that's awful. Is he alright?"
"Thankfully yes." He said.
"Look, I know how terrible you must feel, but Charles it was a mistake. Like you said, in our current situation it could have happened to anyone."
"But it didn't happen to anyone, it happened to me." He said quietly, and she saw tears forming in his eyes. She leaned over and wrapped an arm around him.
"God I must seem like such an idiotic mess to you." He said.
"Actually, you just seem human." She responded, giving him another squeeze.
"Would you mind telling Hunicutt I'll take over for him in Post Op as soon as Pierce leaves? I know I can't avoid him forever, but I'd like to stay away for as long as possible." He said.
"You got it." She said, "and don't worry about Pierce, I'll set him straight. This was a really good first step Charles, even if it doesn't feel like it right now."
"Gee thanks Mother." He said sarcastically, and he got up and put his hands in his pockets as he wandered towards the Officers Club.
Ellie Marie stood up and headed back inside, where Baker was now the only person on the ward.
"Where'd they go?" Ellie Marie asked.
"To call Sydney." She answered.
"The psychiatrist?"
"The city." Said Baker, "in Australia."
Ellie Marie walked through the doors that connected the Post Op to the main office to find Hawkeye, B.J., Klinger, Colonel Potter and Radar crowded around the phone. B.J. was shouting down the line to someone who was obviously hard of hearing.
"Yes, yes yes. That's the one. The Rooster Crowed At Midnight." B.J. was saying, "Uh huh. Oh Really? Really why?"
"Who? Who?" Whispered Kilnger, grabbing at his arm, but he shoved him away.
"Really?"
"Who is it?" Hawkeye pressed but B.J. ignored him.
"Why'd he do it?" He asked.
"Oh come on..." Radar muttered.
"Uh huh...well thank you very..."Thank you very much Miss Porterfield. Uh huh...it's been terrific. What? No Ma'am I don't know Pearl Buck either. Ok you take care now. Thanks again. Goodbye." B.J. hung up the phone, and turned to them.
"Well? Who did it?" Ellie Marie asked, and the other men turned quickly, just noticing she'd walked in.
"Mr. Cheevers stepson, Avery Updike!" B.J. proclaimed.
"I knew he wasn't the loving offspring he pretended to be!" Said the Colonel.
"You're right Sir. His eyes were too close together." Kilnger agreed.
"That's a good motive." Hawkeye muttered.
"It was the will." B.J. clarified, "He was going to kill everyone that stood between him and the inheritance."
"How was he going to kill 35 people?" Radar asked.
"That's easy send them to Korea." Hawkeye said.
"Ok, now that that's settled. If you can see to find your way to the door, scram!" Said Colonel Potter, "and Hunnicutt, next time you get a book, rip out all the pages."
"Actually Colonel, I'd like to have a word with Pierce if I could." Ellie Marie said.
"Oh could you give it a rest Captain. I'm really not in the mood." Hawkeye snapped.
"And I promise you I really don't care." She shot back just as testily.
He glared at her, but when he realized she wasn't going to back down he shoved himself off the desk with an exaggerated sigh, and stomped towards the doors of the empty scrub room.
"Guess it's time for me to go get my telling off from the den mother!" He said with biting sarcasm. As soon as she followed him into the room he turned on her.
"I can't believe you're defending, that sanctimonious, pompous, bull headedâ."
"Now hang on a minute, Captain." She said cutting him off, " before you go on what I'm sure would be another glorious rant. I might suggest you watch who you're calling sanctimonious and bull headed."
"How dare you." He spat venomously.
"How dare I??" She questioned, "Let's try how dare you? How dare you tear another doctor down like that, especially in front of the patients, and especially when he was coming to you to apologize and even with an ounce of humility. A trait that before today I didn't know he was capable of."
"You call that humility?" Hawkeye shouted, "Five seconds of not getting what he wants and he turns right back to being the same pompous ass he's always been!"
"You goaded him into that and you know it!" She countered, "You were already angry when he came in and you made up your mind about his apology before he ever opened his mouth. So you said what you needed to, to push him to be the worst version of himself. Bravo. Are you proud of yourself?"
"I don't have to stand here and listen to this." He snapped, "Winchester is a vain, self important wind bag, who lives in the delusional reality where in he's entitled to look down on every human being he sees."
"From what I heard, so was Frank Burns. Yet his arrogance never seemed to get under your skin the way that Charles's does."
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning whether you like it or not, Charles has a point about you being envious."
"About me being. Oh ho ho..." Hawkeye began pacing, "Ellie Marie you'd better watch yourself. I'm telling you right now."
"Or what huh?" Said Kilnger loudly, banging through the office door where he'd obviously been eavesdropping. "You think you can just threaten her cuz you don't like what she has to say Pierce? I know you're a Captain and I'm a Corporal, but you ever talk to her like that again, I'll put you on the deck so fast you won't know what hit you. Court martial be damned."
"Cool it Toledo. He won't do anything. I'm fine." Ellie Marie said, putting a hand on his arm.
He backed out the door, but never took his eyes from Hawkeye as he did. After he left Hawkeye shot her a quick glance.
"I wasn't going to hit you." He said, but his voice sounded more petulant than angry now, "I've never hit a woman, and I'm sure as hell not about to start with one I respect as much as you."
"I know." She said, coming to stand beside him at the scrub sink. "Sorry I went for the low blow on your ego."
"No, you were right." He admitted, "He's better than me, and I know that shouldn't matter but sometimes I'm weak, and it gets to me. If he wasn't so damn smug about it all the time though."
"You ever think maybe that's his way of coping?" Ellie Marie said, "that locking himself up in his ivory tower is his way of getting through all of this?" She motioned around the room.
"I never really thought about it" Hawkeye said, "I guess he just seems like it never touches him, like he doesn't care."
"We all care, Hawk. Nobody is immune. We just deal with it differently. Some of us tell jokes at inopportune moments to break the tension." He smirked, " Some of us enable slightly deranged Lebanese cross dressers in their daily schemes."
"Some of us are slightly deranged Lebanese cross dressers. Who incidentally, I just found out can be terrifying when provoked." He added, and she laughed.
"And some of us act as if nothing in the world matters to us, because it keeps us detached and gives us control." She said, "until something happened that rocked him so deeply that he couldn't just suppress it, and his guilt actually drove him to seek forgiveness and reconciliation. He held out the olive branch."
"And I snapped it in half and shoved it down his throat." Hawkeye said heavily.
"Kinda" She agreed.
"Alrighty then" He sighed, "now that I feel about one level above cockroach, how do you suggest I go about fixing it?"
"You don't." She said, " I think if you make a concerted effort to let the matter drop, this will be a 'time heals all wounds' situation. He's fully expecting you to be just as combative as you were tonight for the foreseeable future. If you show him you won't be, I think he'll get the picture."
"Does that mean I'm not allowed to knock him down a peg when he's being pompous and overbearing?" He asked.
"God no." She said with a chuckle, "can you even imagine how unbearable he'd be if no one checked him?" They shared a laugh as they left the scrub room.
"It's all good now Kilnger." Hawkeye said, "We made up and no fisticuffs were required by any party, but thank you for being such a good friend and having her back."
"Always." He said.
The next morning they got a more than welcome surprise when their supply truck finally rolled into camp.
"Gauze pads, rubber gloves, boxes and boxes of sutures! We're a hospital again!" Kilnger proclaimed as he rummaged through the boxes.
"No light bulbs?" asked Father Mulcahy.
"Let there be lightbulbs." Kilnger said with a grin, lifting one up as they cheered.
"Attention, Colonel Potter speaking." Came a voice over the P.A. system.
"I hate to break it to you all, but Avery Updike couldn't have been the killer."
"What." Said Kilnger.
"He was locked in the closet with Jessica when Winslow was beaned with the gargoyle. Sorry troops." Colonel Potter explained.
"You know something, he's right." said B.J.
"Who did it then?" Kilnger asked.
"All right! I confess, I did it and I'm glad!" Hawkeye shouted, "I hated Sir Winslow! Hated them all! I don't even remember their names, but I hated them!"
"What about the two pigs?" Ellie Marie asked.
"I killed them because they were going to squeal!"
"And the canary?"
"He was gonna sing!"
"Oh Benjamin you cad! I knew it was you all along!" Ellie Marie gasped.
"That's right sweetheart." Hawkeye said, "I'm a bad bad man you make sure you tell your friends."
"I am never sharing one of my books again." B.J. muttered.