Hello all my wonderful buddy chum pal comrade acquaintance companion friends with benefits, my name is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, and today is the start of my career as a high school teacher. Wish me luck.

Day 1:

I was teaching my class some fun facts about the Holocaust, like how it never happened, when one of my students, Kermit the Frog, raised his hand and said "Mr. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, may I please use the bathroom?"

I immediately whipped out my used condom and yelled "BATHROOMS ARE A WORK OF THE DEVIL! BEGONE FOWL DEMON!" before slapping Kermit in the face so hard that his neck broke.

I then resumed teaching and said "so anyways, that's the story of how Uwe Bowl invented the telephone."

Day 2:

I was now teaching my class about how Osama Bin Laden defeated the giant monkey man and saved the 9th dimension with the power of his Care Bear stare, when my student, Master Chief, raised his hand and said "Mr. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, I have a question."

I then said "what is it Master Chief?"

Master Chief said "how could Osama defeat the giant monkey man with a Care Bear stare when he's not a Care Bear?"

I then whipped out my shotgun dildo and emptied several shells into Master Chief's head while yelling "DO NOT QUESTION HISTORY YOU NINCOMPOOP!

I then took a bite out of my dildo. It was cherry flavored.

Day 3:

I was now chilling in the Teacher's Lounge with my best friend, Allah.

I was eating my favorite food, Laffy Taffy coated in gasoline, while Allah was eating his favorite food, Doritos dipped in Elmer's Glue.

As we ate, Allah said to me "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, I need your help."

I asked "what do you need help with, Allah-sama?"

Allah shed a tear and said "my nipples are so freakishly huge that they look like dinner plates, and the neighborhood kids won't stop making fun of me for it."

I then asked "so, you want me to go and shank some neighborhood kids for you?"

Allah said "yes please."

I said "anything for my best friend."

Allah smiled and said "shank you very much."

One second later, Allah and I were now at Barney's Pubes Neighborhood and were ready to shank the hell out of some kids.

"So where are the kids at, homie?" I asked.

Allah pointed to the left and said "there's one right there, ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ-chan"

A small baby was crawling around, stacking blocks on-top each other while drinking juice from a sippy cup with the goofiest, most innocent grin a person could have.

It pissed me the fuck off.

I immediately pulled out my medieval broadsword before running at that baby and yelling "PREPARE TO DIE YOU LITTLE SHIT! RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Day 4:

I'm now lying in a hospital bed while in a full body cast. Existing is painful for me now.

Allah was sitting next to me and said "wow, who would've thought newborn infants were such deadly fighters?"

I coughed up a gallon of blood and said "not me apparently."

Allah said "I know right? I wasn't expecting that baby to pull out a grenade and use it as a makeshift buttplug on you."

I coughed up yet another fountain of blood and said "and the way he wielded those katanas was unlike anything I'd ever seen."

Allah chuckled at that before turning serious again and saying "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, I have a confession to make."

I asked "what is it?"

Allah lifted up his shirt, and to my surprise, his nipples weren't ginormous like he said! They looked almost like marbles only smaller.

Allah then confessed "I lied. My nipples aren't gigantic, they are actually quite tiny. The reason why I wanted you to shank a neighborhood kid is because I had nothing better to do and my TV is currently at the repair shop."

That fucking tears it.

I immediately jumped out of my hospital bed and began strangling Allah with all the strength I could muster.

"DIE YOU BOOGERHEAD!" I yelled.

Allah's face began turning blue as I continued strangling him. Before I could finish him off, the famous cowboy, John Wayne burst into the room, pulled out two six-shooter pistols, and said "alright pilgrims, hands in the air."

I stuck my hands into the air immediately, but Allah exclaimed "I AIN'T GOING BACK TO JAIL!" before pulling out 1 trillion Thomas the Tank Engine stickers and eating them all in one bite, killing himself instantly.

John Wayne looked at me and said "well partner, are ya gonna come quietly or am I gonna havta force ya?"

I said "please take me away from here."

John Wayne then slapped handcuffs on me and led me away.

Day 5:

I was now in a maximum security prison. This really sucked monkeyballs because I didn't have my NES. The closest thing I had to my precious game console was getting raped in the shower. When I'd beat off prisoners, I'd pretend that their penises were game controllers and that the white fluid that exited from their dicks were actually Boos from Super Mario.

It got boring real quick.

Eventually, the warden said it was supper time, and so all of us headed to the cafeteria.

Today's meal was chicken tenders and Caprisun.

The line to get our food was quite long, but eventually, it was my turn. I held out my tray and the lunch lady tossed some tendies onto my tray.

"Thank you" I said to her.

As I prepared to sit at my table, one of the prisoners, Jim Carey, immediately approached me and said "hey dude, I notice you got Strawberry Kiwi flavored Caprisun."

I said "yeah, that's right."

Jim then said "well, I only have Wild Cherry, but Strawberry Kiwi is my favorite flavor, so could we please switch?"

I said "no way, I want Strawberry Kiwi."

Jim pulled out a Beanie Baby and said "what if I give you this?"

I said "tempting, but still no."

Jim didn't listen. He instead reached over and began pulling my pouch away but I stopped him and said "no, its my Caprisun!"

Jim then pulled out a shank and began stabbing me in the chest repeatedly with it.

I began bleeding profusely as Jim Carey said "you wanted Caprisun, but now you're the Capridaddy."

All of the prisoners immediately began cheering and throwing Jim up into the air as they shouted "hip hip hooray!" while I felt myself entering the cold void of nothingness.

As I bled out on the floor and felt my soul leave my body, I couldn't help but be angry at how this had all turned out. If it hadn't been for Allah and his nipples, none of this would've happened.

Fuck Allah and fuck his motherfucking nipples.