Disclaimer: I do not own Detective Conan/Case Closed.
Pairing: KaitoxShinichi
In Other Shoes
Chapter 14 - Dreams and Reality
With his head a whirl of emotions and half formed thoughts, Shinichi spent the entire night after the summer ball either staring at the ceiling of his room or tossing and turning in a vain attempt to snatch even a wink of sleep. There was, on the other hand, one bright side to this. It meant that he managed to slip out of the apartment after Miyako-san left the following morning but before his mother got up (Miyako-san was an incredibly early riser as most bakers were as she needed time to prepare that day's first batches of baked goodies before the breakfast rush).
The downside of leaving the apartment so early, however, was that Shinichi had nowhere to go. He ended up wandering around the town for more than an hour. The streets were nearly deserted and just this side of eerie in the predawn light.
He ended up back at the park that he had spent so many afternoons in. Sitting there surrounded by the greenery, he remembered the many afternoons when Kaito had joined him, usually with something to eat and always with a smile. Now that he was thinking about it, he realized that Kaito had very likely been courting him. It was a strange thought. It made Shinichi feel kind of fuzzy inside even as it made his stomach twist in guilt.
He couldn't let things go on as they were. It wouldn't be fair to Kaito.
Shinichi was going to have to break things off for both their sakes, and the sooner the better. He might not be particularly knowledgeable about romance—or relationships at all really, but he knew that it would only cause them both more pain if he let this go on longer. And Shinichi would have to be the one to cut their ties because he was the one who actually knew the truth (and, therefore, the problem).
He suspected that his mother would say that he could try telling Kaito the truth, but Shinichi knew he wouldn't—couldn't. He felt guilty enough for the deception so far. What if, upon discovering Shinichi's true identity, Kaito were to start believing that Shinichi had approached him in disguise on purpose as a way to get to KID? After all, it was no secret that KID was a ladies' man. It would be easy for the thief to assume that a detective might use that to his advantage.
If Kaito were to think that about him—to start looking at him with contempt and suspicion, Shinichi didn't think he'd be able to bear it. Even imagining it made Shinichi feel paralyzed inside.
He couldn't do it. It would be better and easier for them both if they simply said goodbye and parted ways. Let this summer be a bittersweet dream and fade with the passing of time. Kaito would go on to find someone who could actually be the kind of woman he wanted.
The question then was what he was going to say to Kaito.
Shinichi sighed. He would really prefer to lie as little as possible.
He went through the motions at the café for the rest of the day, barely noticing anything of what was really going on. And it seemed his mood was grim to the point where the girls had all opted to give her her space, though every now and then, Erika or Shizuka would ask her if everything was all right.
Shinko would smile and say that nothing was wrong, but everything was wrong.
-0-
They met at the park because it was a place that had become integral to their times together here in the town of Iroyamura. At the same time, it was still neutral ground and relatively private without being closed off.
Kaito could see Shinichi already sitting on their bench as he approached. He could see too the melancholy and resignation in the disguised detective's eyes.
Kaito's heart sank. That was not the reaction he'd been hoping for. Had he really upset Shinichi that much? He berated himself again for pushing too hard. But it was too late to backtrack. All he could do at this point was to try and convince Shinichi that he was sincere and hope for the best.
Sensing his gaze, Shinichi looked up. Spying Kaito, he took a deep breath and stood up to meet him.
They exchanged somewhat awkward greetings which subsided into an even more awkward silence as they both tried to decide how to begin. Kaito broke the silence first.
"I…" he started, stopped then braced himself and dove right in. "I'm sorry I kissed you out of the blue like that. I shouldn't have done it without asking you first. It was presumptuous, and I really hope you believe me when I say that I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I…" Kaito hesitated for just a moment but then resumed with renewed determination. "I really like you. And I would really, really appreciate it if you would give me the chance to prove that I'm someone who can make you happy."
Completely thrown by the magician's sudden apology and confession, Shinichi floundered. He'd had a speech prepared, but he abruptly couldn't remember a word of it.
"I…I'm just…" he stammered uncertainly. "I'm not sure what to say."
"You could say yes," Kaito suggested.
Shinichi had to smile at that. But the smile faltered when he remembered why he couldn't take that little piece of advice.
No matter how much he realized he wanted to.
"I do enjoy spending time with you, and I'm not upset about the k—kiss. It was sort of surprising, but, uh," he began again then realized that this probably wasn't the right way to approach this and changed tact. "What I mean is, I'm flattered. You're an amazing person and a wonderful friend, and I really do like you. But I can't accept your offer. I'm sorry."
Kaito looked confused. "But you just said you liked me."
"Oh. Um…" Shinichi blushed. He hadn't meant to let that slip. "What I mean is… Well, there are things about my life that are…complicated. So you see, it wouldn't work out."
Kaito frowned and started to open his mouth, presumably to argue, but he didn't get the chance.
"I'm sorry!" Shinichi blurted out again, desperate to just get it all over with. He dropped into a deep but hasty bow. Then he pivoted and bolted.
"Hey! Wait!" Kaito yelped, making a grab for him, but what he managed to catch hold of was the strap of Shinichi's bag—which Shinichi promptly let go of. The sudden loss of resistance made Kaito stumble, and, though he was able to regain his balance quickly, the precious few seconds it took were enough for Shinichi to disappear into the crowds in the park.
-0-
Shinichi's head was a crazy buzz of jumbled thoughts. He felt guilty and upset and lost and pained and a million other things he couldn't describe. It was overwhelming and confusing, and it was making him feel physically ill.
When he finally came to his senses, however, he was already halfway through packing his things. He came to with the tome on local art in his hands, staring at an open page of pressed roses.
His stomach twisted, and suddenly he couldn't breathe.
He shut the book quickly but carefully and put it into his suitcase with its fellows. He told himself he didn't notice the way the corners of his vision were blurring. When something hot and wet trickled down the side of his face, he hastily swiped it away and firmly told himself that it had been a figment of his imagination.
It was a lie he wished with all his heart was true.
He didn't hear the apartment door open or the approaching footsteps. But he did hear his mother's startled question as to what he was doing and why Miyako-san had just told her that he had stopped by the café to tell everyone goodbye.
"I'm going home," he replied without looking up, cursing at the slight waver he was unable to keep out of his voice.
Taken aback, Yukiko stood frozen in the doorway with her mouth still hanging open, blinking. If Shinichi hadn't been feeling so dreadful, he might have found the sight quite funny. As it was, he barely noticed.
"But I told Miyako-chan we'd be here for another three weeks," Yukiko protested. "It's her busy season, remember? And we agreed to help."
"You agreed," Shinichi said under his breath, but another stab of guilt joined the turmoil in his chest because yes, he hadn't been given a choice about working at the maid café, but he liked Miyako-san. He also liked the girls who worked at the café They had been kind and fun, and they'd helped him more than they would ever know. They had provided him with a safe space in a time when he felt like his life was coming apart at the seams and the comfort of simple, unconditional friendship. The last thing he wanted was to cause problems for them. He cared about them, and he owed them so much.
But…he couldn't stay. He just—couldn't.
Worst still, he couldn't explain why. Not to Yukiko or Miyako-san—not to anyone.
He had been utterly sincere when he'd told Kaito that his life was complicated. Just let him count the ways.
Feeling an almost hysterical laughter starting to bubble up from deep inside him, he forced himself to take a deep breath. Then two and three. When he could speak without laughing—or bursting into tears—again, he resumed packing.
There wasn't much left to pack.
In minutes, he was done and zipping his suitcase closed. It was a lot heavier than it had been when he'd made the trip to Iroyamura.
Suitcase rolling behind him, he headed for the door. Though first he stopped in front of Yukiko, eyes trained on the floor so that he wouldn't have to see her expression.
"Can you please tell everyone I'm sorry?" he asked quietly, voice tightly controlled. "I'll try to make it up to them when I can. But I… I need to go."
And he was gone, leaving his mother to stare after him, her expression, for once, completely shattered as she tried to figure out what in the world could possibly have gone so horribly wrong and put that look of bleak, utter despair in her baby's big blue eyes.
-0-
The trains and buses that carried him from Iroyamura back to Beika all passed in a kind of muted blur for Shinichi. His thoughts still felt numbed, and, for once, he was happy to let them stay that way. It was better than trying to think—than remembering everything that had happened and how it had all gone wrong.
When the Kudo Manor finally came into sight, he realized that he was utterly exhausted in every way it was possible to be exhausted.
On leaden feet, he dragged his suitcase up the front walk to the front doors, fumbled around until he located his keys, then fumbled some more before he was able to properly apply said key and open the door.
The air inside the house felt stale. But it was also achingly familiar.
This was home. This was safety. This was the place where he could be alone with his grief and try to work out how he was going to put these last few amazing yet terrible weeks behind him.
He took a shower and turned the heat up so high that it nearly burned, wishing it could burn away the agony lodged inside his ribcage. It didn't work.
Later, he lay in his old, familiar bed and wished he had never let his mother drag him off to Iroyamura at all. Except then he'd never have met Kuroba Kaito—never gotten to be friends, never sat together laughing in the park as they talked about books, never danced with him, never kissed…
No. Even if he could, he wouldn't be able to wish away these past few weeks. They were too precious to him. He just wished they weren't. It would hurt less if they hadn't been so wonderful. If each memory wasn't its own precious jewel of a moment. If he hadn't realized that he had fallen in love.
This was his punishment, he supposed, for running away from his responsibilities. For taking up a false identity and daring to try and live another life. Such things were not meant for him.
So if his heart ached, he had only himself to blame. He should never have let things come to this point.
He hoped Kaito would forgive him. But he couldn't blame the magician if he didn't either.
-To Be Continued-