Chapter 5 - Knowledge hurts

cont. 10 years ago

Dimitri POV

I was deep in my despair after the car had driven away with Rose as I heard footsteps approaching me from behind. The darkness wasn't safe and in a fight with Strigoi you need all the advantages you can get, so I quickly turned around ready to launch myself at the threat. However it wasn't anything dangerous coming at me, only my sisters and their friends. I wish that they had made it here faster so that Rose would still be with us. But as quickly as that accusatory thought popped up in my mind I felt a pang of guilt. I felt guilty for even thinking such a thing, but also because I knew that this was my fault. I should have taken more care to cover us when we brought Rose home from the woods. I should have made babushka stay indoors, or at least prevented her altercation with Moore. I should have called Karo and Sonya to either come home right away or stay the night with a friend. I should have done more to ensure my promise. So many things I should've done.

As the feeling of failure and guilt weighed heavy on my shoulders I felt the tickling sensation of tears running down my cheeks. In the back of my head I registered Sonya saying goodbye to their friends. I hadn't cried in a very long time, not even the last time he had hit me or mama, but here I was crying for a girl I didn't know but who already meant so much to me. I was crying because I had failed my promise to protect her.

I thought about how scared she was of me when we first met and I didn't want to think about what she had gone through to learn how to fear like that.

I thought about the trust she showed in me when she had told me her name.

I thought about the cautiousness she had when she followed us back home.

I thought about the last look she gave me, the look of resolution and courage, when she agreed to go with them to stop the violence. I already knew that look would haunt me for a long time. No child should ever have to make that decision. No child should ever have to be taken away from their home. With that thought I sighed and I felt Karos hand on my shoulder guiding me indoors.

Babushka was in the kitchen preparing hot chocolate. Karo and Sonya seemed confused about what had happened here today. They didn't know about Rose and I doubt that they had heard about the taken ones, whatever that meant, since the first time I heard about it myself was when babushka mentioned it earlier today.

I wonder what my baby sister thought of me, had she heard the sounds of the fight? Did she think I was like our father? Did she hear Rose's plea to stop fighting?

Karo and Sonya had already sat down on the couch, no doubt to be able to question me about what the hell had happened here. As I still stood between the door and the sitting area I could feel my anger resurfacing.

My temper rose further until I was livid and furious, too ashamed of my failure. Anger was an easier feeling, one I usually had control over but this time my mind was consumed by it. How could this happen? We needed to track them down. They had no right coming into our home taking one of us, someone I had promised to protect. I could feel my chest rise and fall at a quick pace and my hands turned to fists. I needed to control my expression so I turned my back towards my sisters.

But the image meeting my gaze in the dark window made me go still. All I could see was him, as he looked like hovering over us. Hovering over my mother who was begging him to stop. I wouldn't allow myself to scare my family like this. I heard Galina's voice urging me to control myself and after a few deep breaths I could see my face relax and eventually felt my hands do the same.

When I felt that I had regained my control I turned away from the window, looking towards the kitchen instead. Babushka had finished our drinks and was on her way over to us. As she walked past the stairs she looked at me and made small nod signaling that I should get mama.

Vika was already asleep on mama's lap when I opened her bedroom door. Mama made a shushing sound, not wanting me to wake Vika as she carefully untangled herself from my sister. Vika looked so small and vulnerable, but at least she was safe in her bed. I wonder where Rose was and what she was feeling.

Mama put her arm around my waist and led me back downstairs. I could feel everyones' eyes on me, but I didn't want to explain my failure so I just looked at babushka urging her to explain what had happened. And so she did, she explained to Karo and Sonya about how we had met Rose and everything else that had transpired. I could sense my sisters' confusion and after a couple of minutes Karo asked, "Babushka, how did you know that she had been taken?"

"Whatever we discuss tonight will not leave this room, do you understand?" she asked with a stern voice.

"What do you mean with that? Of course we're going to report this!" Sonya blurted out. "They manhandled you and Karo, and kidnapped a child. For all I care we'll contact Court, someone at St Basil's. Anyone and everyone who can help!".

Mama looked at Sonya with an expression of concern and sympathy. "Sonya, please, listen to us. You need to understand."

"What the hell! I need to understand?! They fucking took a ch-" she yelled until babushkas voice interrupted her. "Language, you fool. If you cannot handle the truth you can go upstairs right now. You will listen, and you will do as you're told. Do you understand, Sonya?". Sonya glared at babushka and nodded in response.

"Karo and Dimitri, do you understand that what we discuss does not leave this room?" she said as she turned her piercing eyes towards us.

Karo said yes in an unsure voice. My whole body was shaking. There was no chance in hell I'd let this go. I would ask questions and I would find my answers. I would find her. Not trusting my voice I nodded.

Babushka sighed, sagging down a bit. "Dimitri, I know you're lying. Nevertheless you need to hear this and hopefully you'll understand that your actions will have consequences."

Anger flared up again and I wanted to throw the shitty coffee table table across the room. I was well aware that my actions had consequences, that's why we were sitting here in the safety of our living room while she was-

"Enough, Dimitri!" babushka growled. I took a few deep breaths and steadied my temper. She continued "A few decades ago the rumors started circulating. Rumors about dhampir children that went missing. They would just disappear from the Academies or from their families. To this day nobody knows where they are and we call them the taken ones."

Karo looked unsure as she asked "And you think Rose is one of them? The men looked like guardians, surely they were just escorting her somewhere and perhaps misread the situation thinking we were a threat?"

"I know she is a taken one. And the men you saw today were not guardians. They are a disgrace to our race." she answered with a murderous glare. Karo flinched back and remained silent.

This time mama spoke. "Nobody knows why they are taken, and those who ask too many questions face the same fate as them. Please understand that if you go around asking too much or revealing what has happened here today, you are only risking Vika's safety. The Court and the Guardian Headquarters knows what's going on, but since dhampir children are of less value than Moroi they are not going to waste any resources on finding the children. There are no leads anyways. If you report this, you will only draw attention to us. That attention is not safe and it puts us all at risk, especially Vika. Promise me you'll keep this to yourself?" she pleaded, tears in her eyes.

We were all shocked. I let that sink in and this time when I nodded, I almost meant it. My mind was all over the place and I needed to think this through, to find a way to protect my family while doing my best to find Rose. I knew I couldn't just abandon her.

"I know it's selfish to ask" mama sighed heavily, tears now rolling down her cheeks. "I don't know how I'll bear the guilt. But we have to protect Vika."

"I think it's safe to say I'm the one who should bear the guilt." I growled.

I could feel babushka's sharp gaze when she said, "Dimitri, there are two things I need you to understand. First, this was in no way your fault.".

I didn't agree with that. I had promised Rose that I would protect her, but I had already failed. She must have sensed my apprehension because she reinforced what she just said as she continued.

"Dimitri, this wasn't your fault and you don't gain anything by blaming yourself. Second, as fate made you meet her today, fate will come again. Trust in it and make sure that the next time counts."

I knew better than to ask what she meant but at the same time I also doubted her. Mama looked at me with soft tear-filled eyes, "I know that the last couple of months have been tough and that you have taken on more responsibilities. But we're okay. I don't want you to worry about us when you're at school. Rose wasn't your responsibility and you did nothing wrong, even though the whole situation is awful. Just don't ask questions at school. Please Dimka." I didn't agree with what mama said but I had no energy to argue with her and I would do anything to keep my little sister safe. But I owed it to Rose to fight for her and to find her.

I really didn't feel like going back to school in a couple of hours and I said as much.

"There is nothing for you here. You need to go back. Or the next time won't count" babushka's words were final. She turned to my sisters "You two…" she growled, eyes focusing especially on Karo "explain to me why you were coming home alone in the darkness drunk? What if there had been a Strigoi?!"

I stood up, too exhausted to listen to the lecture my sisters were receiving. I dragged my steps up the stairs to wash the guilt away in the shower, not that it would help. I suspected that no amount of showers would make me feel better.

After a sleepless night I took the train back to the Academy in the morning, and when I entered my room my roommate was still asleep. In Baia we lived on human hours but St Basil's was running on a nocturnal schedule to make it easier for the Morois. I had caught some sleep on the train only to dream about scared brown eyes.

There was no way I could fall asleep again. Before Galina I might have sneaked out to pull a prank on Spiridon or someone else who had annoyed me during the week. Not anymore though. She'd made me stop doing stupid shit. I had to follow her rules or she wouldn't mentor me.

So what could I do? I started to unpack my backpack. Mama had given me some black bread and my favorite snack - homemade dried apple slices, and I made sure to stash them away. My roommate had a bad habit of assuming that everything edible in our room was his to take.

I sat down on my bed with my head in my hands. I tried to use my breathing exercises to calm the feeling of vibrating energy and anger, but nothing worked. I got up and changed into training gear. I had promised Galina that I wouldn't pull any more pranks and that I would obey the curfew. But if I didn't get an outlet soon I would burst and maybe she would be more tolerable to breaking the curfew if I only went to the gym. It's not like I was sneaking off to a girl's room or a party. I gathered my training bag and headed to the gym.