Chapter 49 - The Catharsis
Present day - Early May
Rose POV
"I'm not doing it alone, you're doing it with me."
I crossed my arms over my chest. Despite a manageable panic attack that had passed quite quickly, it had taken a while to recover. I had taken a short nap in my room when Spiridon entered and now he was just being an ass.
"I'm not the one who lost a bet."
"I know you want to take a little swim, think about how much fun it'll be," he coaxed.
"It's still freezing out there, I'm not going to swim in that ice water."
"It'll make you feel good, think about it as a catharsis."
"A catharsis?" I asked.
Spiridon seemed to sense that he was managing to break through my walls.
"Yeah, like in the movies. A rebirth, a cleanse, a catharsis or some shit. Get rid of the past, come through with less baggage or something like that."
"Speaking of experience?" I asked dryly. He was laying it on too thick.
"Please, wonderful, amazing, beautiful, bestest Rose. Pretty please," he whined. Despite his clearly joking manner, my heart clenched a little bit when he called me beautiful. I had never put much value into my looks. I knew some guardians and Moroi at the Institution had been interested because of my looks, but for the first time in my life I wanted to be and feel beautiful. Not for Spiridon, not even for Dimitri. But for myself, as my own person. I wanted to be comfortable with who I was, and the time away from the Institution had done tremendously to improve that. But in the midst of it all, I couldn't lie to myself. I wanted to hear that word passed from Dimitri's lips, not Spiridon's.
"You know only four year olds say bestest, right?"
He chuckled at my small stab. "Bestest Rose, will you pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty please come swim with me? Dimitri's being a dick for making me do it in the first place."
"I already relented by the second pretty in your begging. Besides, why would you ever agree to bet on twelve hours of silence? You can't even shut up for five minutes."
"So hurtful again," he said and placed a hand on his chest.
"Am I weird for kinda liking it when you begged?"
"You're the kind of woman that can make any man beg," he said with a devious grin.
"Not everyone needs to beg. I can't imagine Dimitri ever feeling the need."
"Trust me Rose, when it comes to you, Dimitri is especially in danger."
I wasn't sure what Spiridon meant with that, but it was impossible to ignore the buzz of excitement coursing through me from the thought of such a powerful man as Dimitri be at my mercy.
"Come on, we still have a little bit of sunlight left. Check with Lissa if she wants to join, she's been sulking in her room since yesterday." There was almost some excitement in his voice now.
"You know Christian's probably with her? I'm not going to go knock on her door with him there, I'm probably the last person he wants to see after yesterday."
"I'm the last person he wants to see. I'll come with you," Spiridon said cheerfully.
"If I didn't know better I'd say you enjoy tormenting him."
He just shrugged his shoulders. "Suits him right, he shouldn't put his nose in business he has no right to."
The short hallway with Dimitri's, Spiridon's and Lissa's room was dark. I glanced into Dimitri's room and noticed that he had emptied the few of his belongings. I guessed that Adrian would stay there for a few days.
My hand hesitated by the door for so long that Spiridon pushed me aside and knocked. We waited for several moments, listening to someone move inside the room. Eventually the door opened just slightly, a pair of ice blue eyes glaring at Spiridon and then flicking over to me. I shrugged back, and Christian's glare softened a bit.
"Is Lissa there?" Spiridon asked as if he hadn't recently beat Christian up.
"Yes, but she's not well. Yesterday was a lot for her, not that any of you seem to care."
For someone who stood no chance against the blond guardian next to me, Christian sure had a lot of courage. Perhaps even stupid courage, considering how badly he had fared in their confrontation. Spiridon didn't seem to care or even remember that it was his fist that had hurt Christian. Instead he stood there, casually holding his hands in his pockets. The indifference reminded me of Adrian.
I felt the stab of his words, knowing we had pretty much used Lissa for my benefit.
"Can I see her?" I managed to squeak. Again, Christian's eyes landed on me and his brows furrowed slightly.
"She needs to rest. And she's going to need a feeder soon."
"I thought Yuri microwaved a happy meal for you," Spiridon said.
"It wasn't enough. Not with the toll it takes on Lissa, she needs more."
"I'll run this by the team," Spiridon said curtly, and it was clear that he wasn't liking the idea.
Someone moved behind Christian and a hand appeared on his waist, gently pushing him to the side. Lissa was pale and shaking, the circles under her eyes dark and she seemed just overall weak. I was shocked to see her so frail, and instantly felt a lot worse for not making sure earlier that she was well. Worst of all seemed to glint in her eyes, something that hadn't been there before and it seemed frightening. I remembered Lissa describing it as a darkness.
"Don't listen to him. He's exaggerating. I'm feeling better already, by tomorrow I'll be fine." She seemed to sense that I didn't believe her. "I promise you," she said with a warm smile directing the words to me. Despite the smile, which seemed genuine, her eyes didn't let go of the darkness entirely.
"Do you want to watch a movie with me?" I suggested. I could tell Spiridon was annoyed that I was ditching our swim for the sake of Lissa, but luckily he kept quiet. To his benefit she shook her head.
"I'll stay here for a while, Dimitri went upstairs to bring more, uh-" her words trailed off. I knew she meant blood, now realizing that the errand Dimitri had gone to had been to acquire blood bags for the Moroi. I nodded my head slowly to show that I understood.
Christian moved into the room leaving Lissa alone in the door opening. I seized the moment and grabbed a hold of her hand, giving it a squeeze. My small gesture was nothing to express my gratitude, but it seemed enough for now. Her eyes gained a little of the usual warmth back.
It was dark outside, but the lack of sunlight didn't make it any less nervous to stand in only my bathing suit and a large towel wrapped tightly around me. I was already cold and regretted giving in to Spiridon.
Dimitri was standing closely behind me, letting me steal some of his body heat.
The big slippers on my feet felt slippery on the small dock we were standing on. Even though I couldn't swim, both Dimitri and Spiridon thought it would be best to get into the water from the dock, the quick submerge better than slowly and painfully wading my way into the water. We weren't sure how shallow the water was or what the bottom of the lake was like. Spiridon had promised to get in first and then help me into the water while Dimitri was helping from the dock.
Spiridon stood only in his purple boxers, rubbing his hands to create friction and jumping a bit from side to side. He wasn't wearing any shoes and the cold seemed to have gotten to him. He was about to say something when his head whipped to his left and he glared into the darkness. After a few more breaths I heard the faint footsteps too and then watched as Adrian emerged from the trees and approached us.
"Nobody invited you," Dimitri said icily to Adrian. I held the towel a little tighter and took a step back. That action caused me to press against Dimitri, but he didn't move away.
Yuri was only a few steps behind Adrian. "It's cool, we got him," Spiridon said to Yuri, who immediately turned around and headed back towards the house. I suspected it was for the benefit of Lissa so that she would have two guardians near her.
Adrian offered a flask to Spiridon who took it gratefully, taking a long swig of it. "Fuck it's cold, let's get this shit over with it." He handed the flask back to Adrian and walked over to the edge of the dock. There was a set of wooden stairs next to him, but he seemed to opt for jumping in instead.
It was dark, but I could clearly see all the defined muscles in Spiridon's back, not to mention the tapered waist and curves underneath his boxers. After realizing I wanted it to be Dimitri who was standing in front of me dressed in so little, I instinctively pressed back even harder. Dimitri's arm wrapped around me in a protective manner, probably thinking I was scared of Adrian.
It wasn't like I was hundred percent comfortable being around Adrian, but at least I didn't feel terrified of him. I didn't mind Dimitri's gesture, it felt nice to be cocooned in his half-embrace and steal some of his warmth.
Spiridon turned towards us one last time. "So the only thing I needed to do was to submerge myself in the water and then we're even?"
Dimitri hummed in agreement, and I felt his chest vibrate. "Head too."
"Rose, you ready?"
I shook my head and felt Dimitri tighten his hold just a fraction. My eyes flicked over to Adrian and I realized I wasn't going to take off the towel with him here. Spiridon didn't see it however so he jumped into the water, the splashing sound loud and echoing in the night.
Then it was still, completely silent. The dark surface of the water had a pattern as proof of Spiridon's jump, but he didn't come up to the surface until a part of me had started to panic. I breathed out when he finally emerged.
"Fucking hell, it's cold!"
He wiped water off his face and held one hand towards me. His hair was soaked and longer than I had thought now that it was wet against his forehead. I shook my head even harder.
"Come on, don't be a chicken shit." The last two words were said with some tremble in his voice as he was fighting the cold.
"I don't think she's going to swim," Adrian said all of the sudden. "Is it because of me?"
I watched as his eyes flickered around me, and then moved over to Dimitri. He shuddered slightly and held up his hands. "Fine, I'll go back," he muttered in resignation and lit up a cigarette.
"F-f-fuck, I'll go w-w-with you," Spiridon stammered. He hurriedly got up the wooden stairs and his entire body was pink. I looked away, feeling that it was too much to stare at his half-naked form from the front.
Adrian and Spiridon hurried indoors all the while Spiridon was mocking me for backing out of our agreement. I felt a little bad despite knowing he was only joking.
"Do you still want to swim?"
Dimitri's words cut through the silence and startled me. I had been so focused on Spiridon's mocking words that I didn't think about the way he was still holding me against him. He seemed to misjudge my reaction and let go of me.
I looked at the water, not really feeling the temptation. But a part of me wanted to do this, to prove to myself that I could do this. And Spiridon's words from earlier were still fresh in my mind.
A catharsis.
I wanted to cleanse myself from the past. Not forget it, but stop letting it define my future.
"I'll do it." The determination in my voice was clear.
I heard rather than saw Dimitri start to remove his clothes. I turned around, still wrapped in my towel, and watched him take off his shoes.
"You don't have to swim with me."
"I'm not letting you into the water alone."
"Maybe you can just help me from the dock by letting me hold your hand."
"Rose, you can't swim. I'd rather not jump in with my clothes if anything were to happen. We're doing this my way."
I could tell from his tone that there was no point arguing with him. He stepped out of his shoes, took off his jacket. He pulled his shirt off in one swift movement and my mouth went dry.
The man was perfection.
It had been a while since I'd seen so much of Dimitri, and I was dedicated to committing every detail to my memory.
His shoulders were broad and his chest was well defined. His nipples were pebbled from the cold, a small, almost minuscule detail I couldn't seem to drag my eyes away from. The light dusting of hair only enhanced him. I watched as his thick arms moved to his front, his long fingers starting to open his belt.
As a reaction, the image of Moore in the basement popped into my head, followed by the image of Spiridon when he'd lost his head during my sickness. But to my surprise I wasn't scared anymore. Watching Dimitri pry open his belt was thrilling, and I swallowed thickly when he popped open his button and dragged the fly down.
"See something you like?" he said suddenly and paused his movements. His words were quiet and reserved. I looked up and realized he'd been staring at me, probably for the entire time. Heat spread through my cheeks, a sharp contrast to the cold around us. Instead of waiting for my reply he bent over to remove his pants, leaving him standing in his black boxers. When I noticed the slight bulge I quickly looked away and took a few steps closer to the edge of the dock, stumbling slightly in the process.
"I'll go in first, you ready?" he asked me, still maintaining the same reserved tone. I nodded, not trusting my voice.
Like Spiridon, he also jumped into the water, not staying underneath the surface as long. When he emerged he wiped his face, moving his hair back in the process.
It pained me how beautiful he looked with wet eyelashes looking up at me. I took one last breath and forced my fingers to let go of my towel. I was wearing a one-piece swimsuit, revealing a lot less than Dimitri and Spiridon had, but it still felt nerve-wrecking.
"Use the ladders, I'll catch you," Dimitri said and the tension in his voice revealed how hard he was fighting the cold.
I moved over to the ladder and took a few steps down until my left foot hit the water. "No, no, no."
I moved back up but a hand grabbed my ankle. Dimitri had swum close to me and I ignored the fact that he could be staring straight into my half-naked butt.
"If you really don't want to do this, we'll go back inside. But something tells me you'll regret it."
He was right, I wanted this. I wanted to feel the catharsis.
"Don't think about it, just do it," he instructed.
I steeled myself and quickly stepped down the ladder into the absolutely freezing water. I squealed when my shoulders submerged and accidentally let go of the ladder. Before I panicked I felt Dimitri catch me, keeping me from sinking to the bottom like a stone. "I got you," he murmured and wrapped his arm around me. This time, when I was pressed against him, there were only so few barriers between us. My swimsuit was doing little to conceal the feel of his skin, and the freezing water seemed to be forgotten at least momentarily. He dragged me a few feet away from the dock, holding me tightly. I was swimming. I was actually swimming.
The realization made me elated, and I dipped my head into the water.
I had survived so much. I had witnessed and suffered through so much, and here I was, challenging myself to do something difficult only for the fact that I wanted it. I wanted to do this, and I was doing it. I got back up from underneath the water and squealed from the cold. A strained giggle escaped me, my legs kicking from instinct and hands flailing. I knew I wasn't really swimming, Dimitri holding me and keeping me floating, but it was enough. It was more than enough. Dimitri chuckled close to my ear.
My excitement only lasted for so long and my fingers and legs started to tingle. I knew I needed to get out and into a warm shower. I turned around in his hold, not really thinking about the consequences. I found myself pressed against Dimitri, my front against his front and it was impossible to ignore the fact that my thinly covered breasts were pressing into him. My hands landed on his arms in an effort to steady myself further. He tried to lean back but our position only allowed for so much room in between us. I looked into his eyes and found that he was staring at me.
"Dimitri," I whispered, but it came out stuttering because of the cold. His hand was pressing against my back, and I felt his fingers twitch and grab the fabric of my swimsuit for a second or two before he relaxed his hand again. He was effortlessly kicking with his legs in a steady rhythm to keep us floating.
It was impossible to ignore the friction between our bodies the movement was causing.
"I just wanted to say thank you," I managed to say.
"You don't need to thank me."
His voice was husky and his eyes flicked down to my lips and back up. I leaned in, my eyes focused on those lips. I wasn't thinking, just acting on an instinct that had been building up for weeks now.
"Rose," he said in a warning, which sounded equally as an invitation. "What are you doing?"
I didn't reply, but leaned into him the last few inches. I was thrilled that he didn't turn away from me, his palm pressing me harder against him. But at the very last second I backed out, fearing that I was about to do something that would irrevocably ruin our relationship. I couldn't risk losing him if I was wrong. I couldn't risk the rejection I was sure to receive.
My lips landed next to his, on his cheek instead. The slight stubble felt amazing against the sensitive skin of my lips. I pursed them slightly, not daring to emphasize the kiss.
Just feeling how he felt underneath my lips, how his cheek felt, was bewildering. He didn't breathe until I moved back. He was staring at me with dark eyes.
I was caught up in the movement until one of my legs accidentally kicked him, and I snapped into the realization that we were submerged in absolutely freezing water. I was painfully aware that the tingling in my limbs had turned unpleasant and aching.
He seemed to sense that I'd had enough and moved us to the ladder, helping me up with a small push. He followed closely behind, almost so close that he was still pressed against me and I wished he had done so.
I stood on the dock and still giggled nervously, wiping water away from my face. Dimitri bent over and grabbed the towel, wrapping me in it. He rubbed his hands up and down my side. I was staring at his chest and those tight nipples seemed to be staring back. I suppressed a giggle and turned away from him, not wanting to be too creepy.
I felt amazing. Endorphins were running freely in me, the euphoria from kissing Dimitri's cheek lifting me up into the sky.
I put on the slippers and watched Dimitri gather his clothes, and then we hurriedly walked in silence back to the house.
God, how I loved showers. Warm, long showers and nice products to use. I also loved putting on clean pajamas after the shower, pulling on the thick socks Dimitri had given me a few weeks back. I was sitting on my bed, butterflies in my stomach.
Dimitri was using my shower since Spiridon had apparently moved into the other one on the lower floor. He'd been holed up in there for over an hour and eventually Dimitri just gave up on waiting.
Dimitri was going to sleep in my room tonight while Spiridon kept track of Adrian.
I glanced at the decorative pillows that I was sure would be acting as the wall tonight. Without thinking about it further I grabbed a couple and looked around my room. I contemplated hiding them under the bed, but I was sure that would be the first place Dimitri looked at. So I settled for my wardrobe instead, hoping he wouldn't search through there.
I didn't hide all of the pillows, only a few.
A very low knock was heard from the door leading into the bedroom, and I got up to open it thinking it was Spiridon. The second I opened it however I realized Spiridon would've just marched into the room.
Adrian was standing there, swaying a bit. He looked as if he was drunk. "Little dhampir," he slurred with a smile on his face. I wanted to tell him to stop calling me that, but he was Moroi. For all I knew he could call me anything. It was his right to do so.
"Look, I know you don't like being around me," he said with a reassuring smile. The smell of cloves surrounded me. "I'm not going to bother you for long."
"How can I help you?" I asked carefully.
He started to search his pockets again. "I can't find my lighter and fire-crotch is asleep."
"Fire-crotch?"
"Christian," he clarified. A small snort escaped my lips as I thought about Adrian waking up and using Christian for lighting up his cigarette. I didn't know why but the thought of a Moroi using another Moroi merely as a means to light his cigarette was absurd. Adrian relaxed and grinned.
"I don't have a lighter but I have matches." I walked to my dresser and grabbed the box of matches I had used to light up some candles. I handed them to Adrian, who twirled them between his fingers.
There was some noise coming from the bathroom where Dimitri was, and Adrian looked that way. "I should probably get going, don't want to piss off your boyfriend."
I frowned, confusion washing over me.
"You know, the scary, stoic Russian dude?"
His clarification did not help me to understand why he was saying that. Realization seemed to dawn on him suddenly as his eyes flickered around me again in that weird way. "Huh. Interesting," he said quietly to himself.
"What's interesting?"
He snapped out of his reveries and flashed me a smile. "You are."
"I'm not interesting," I mumbled, looking down on my feet.
I heard the sound of the shower stop and my heart skipped a beat knowing that Dimitri would soon come out of the bathroom.
"Nice room you have here, is it the master bedroom? You know I'm glad they moved me over to one of the rooms downstairs, the bed is actually quite comfy, a lot better than the one at St. Vlad's-" Adrian rambled and tried to get a better look of the room. He took a step toward me but stumbled on the threshold. He steadied himself by the doorframe but still managed to grab onto my shoulder. "Shit," he mumbled under his breath. The door to the bathroom opened and Dimitri came out, taking long strides towards us. In a matter of seconds he was next to me, his fingers wrapped around Adrian's wrist.
Adrian quickly released me. Dimitri, however, did not let go of his grip. Dimitri didn't say anything, but his stare said more than enough. I noticed Adrian shrink back.
"So, uh, anywho, thanks for the matches," he said awkwardly to me and glanced nervously at his wrist where Dimitri's hand was still holding him in a tight grip. "I'm just going to get going then-" Adrian trailed off.
Dimitri released him and gently, but determinedly, pushed him back and closed the door in his face. He locked the door and moved back to the bathroom. He was dressed in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and when he came back he was typing on his phone with one hand while the other smoothed back his damp hair. He was no doubt sending an angry message to Spiridon for not keeping enough track on Adrian.
I watched him move around in my bedroom, placing his combat boots and uniform by the chair next to the bed. His gun and stake on the nightstand. It was a simple ritual for him to prepare for the night and make sure he was ready.
My stomach fluttered when I thought about my kiss on his cheek and I wondered if he was thinking about it too. I could only hope.
One of his hands touched a strand of his hair and he frowned.
"It's getting long," I murmured.
He looked up briefly before moving over to his side of the bed and placed his phone down.
"It's been a while since I had a haircut."
"I could cut it, you know," I said quietly, staring at my feet. My ears felt warm. "I used to cut Eddie's and Mason's hair, back then, before they got all guardian on me."
He stared at me with those dark eyes. The silence felt like a pressure increasing in its intensity, and I caved. "The mall had hairdressers too."
"Do you have a pair of scissors in your bathroom?" he asked me after several more awkward moments. I shook my head, I hadn't seen a pair. He moved towards the door but turned around before opening it. "And you're absolutely sure it's not a bother?" he said over his shoulder.
I smiled and almost bounced on my feet realizing he might actually let me do it. He disappeared for a while but returned with a wooden stool I had seen in the kitchen, a towel and a pair of scissors. I stood rooted in my place, suddenly painfully conscious of the fact we were actually about to do this.
"Look, I'm not that good at cutting hair so don't expect anything fancy."
"It's going to look better than when I do it myself. Don't worry."
"It's been several years, I might make you look bad or something."
"I can always ask Spiridon to use his hair trimmer and cut it short if it turns out really bad. Don't worry, just do your best," he said gently and walked into the bathroom. I forced my feet to follow him there. I watched him place the stool in the middle of the bathroom, wrap the towel around his shoulders and sit down on it. He placed the scissors on the counter, and I moved to stand behind him. I could see him through the mirror with the way he was sitting, and shivered when I noticed his dark eyes trained on me.
I grabbed my comb from the counter and started brushing through his damp strands with it. I toyed with his hair, smoother and softer than I could've imagined.
"So how do you usually cut it?" I asked after a while.
He shrugged his shoulders. "Only a trim if I can reach, it's been a while since I've had the luxury of getting a haircut. If possible, I'd prefer if you leave it long enough to cover my marks."
My fingertip brushed against his marks on his neck, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. Through the mirror I saw that he had closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. I got to work, trimming the ends of his silky strands.
"Why do you want to cover your marks?" I asked while focusing on the task. I angled the scissors and cut in a way I knew would look better. One time I had cut Mason's hair in a straight line and it had made him look like he had a bowl on his head. Methodically grabbing a strand, combing through it, keeping it up and cutting small, small bits of it.
"It's convenient to be able to hide them, I always have to cover Spiridon's marks. But it's not only that. I don't want to see them all the time. I don't want to be reminded of what I've done all the time. I know what I've done, who I've killed. I carry the burden of that every day. But it's become somewhat of a status symbol in our society, a way to flaunt off your merits. And I think the ones that I crossed paths with deserve a little more respect than that."
My movement stilled and I looked at Dimitri through the mirror. He looked sad and a bit tired. I moved my hand to his neck, gently caressing over his marks.
"Strigoi or not, they were all someone before that. Someone's spouse, someone's child. Someone's parent. Moroi, dhampir, human, it doesn't matter. I did the right thing but it shouldn't equal glory."
I continued to massage him gently with my thumb, and he hummed, eyes fluttering close. I moved my hands through his hair once again, hoping he would think it was needed for the haircut when the only real purpose of it was to make him feel good, console him.
"Do you regret taking your promise mark?" I asked. I remembered that he had said in disdain that some people thought that the only commitment a dhampir should make was the promise mark.
His head snapped to the side so that he could look at me directly. "For me, the promise mark isn't about protecting Moroi. That too, of course, but most importantly it's the promise to fight for and aid those that need it. It's the promise to protect them."
I shuddered at the intensity of his gaze.
"No, I don't regret it. I did the right thing, I fought for the right thing."
"What's the right thing?" I breathed.
"You, Rose. Your freedom, your safety."
I let his words sink in, thinking how true they were, how much he'd already lived up to those words. I swallowed thickly and his eyes moved down to my lips until he looked away.
I forced my hands to work and continued to cut his hair. The sound of the scissors were relaxing us both as the time passed.
"Is that why you don't like Adrian? Because you think he could risk my safety?"
"I don't like the entitled Moroi saying and doing whatever they want. With the values that were instilled in you, I think he poses a risk to you simply by exerting some of his influence and power over you. You've been conditioned your whole life to bow to the will of Moroi and he doesn't seem to grasp the responsibility he has when it comes to you."
"Is this about the fact that he calls me little dhampir?"
"That's just a prime example of what I'm talking about." Dimitri turned again and gently grabbed my hand holding the comb. "Remember, he doesn't get to do or say anything harmful. He doesn't get to decide where the boundary is, that is up to you. He does not hold power or superiority to you."
He released my hand and I finished up his haircut. It looked quite decent, better than when I used to cut Mason's hair. Eddie had thicker hair so my mistakes didn't really show but poor Mason didn't share that benefit.
Thinking about Eddie made me think about Celeste's nephew. "Why do you think so many children went missing in Celeste's village?"
By now I was combing through and just doing the final inspection that all strands were at least somewhat the same length.
"I think it was about sending a message. The small town she lived in didn't let it rest after the first girl was taken and the inhabitants spent a significant amount of effort to locate her. According to Celeste, the rumor has it that the family of the missing girl were warned. After they didn't heave to the warning another girl was taken. And a third. Eventually leading to the kidnapping of Celeste's nephew. Her family was quite vocal with the disappearances."
I gestured to Dimitri that I was done and he stood up so he could take a better look in the mirror. He made a pleased humming noise which I loved and turned around with a smile. "Thank you, I appreciate your effort."
I smiled back and he removed the towel from his shoulders. Together we cleaned up the mess, and he even took another shower to get rid of the hair that had plastered to his neck despite the protection of the towel.
I was already lying in bed when he came out of the bathroom, the sloppily built wall ready to act as a border between us. He inspected it and raised an eyebrow. His eyes started searching the room for undoubtedly more pillows, even going as far as looking under the bed. I tried to act nonchalant about it like I didn't know what he was doing or what for, but I didn't think I was fooling him.
He gave me one final look and then got into bed. I sighed a breath of relief that he hadn't called out my play.
It had been a long day, and I was still in a kind of haze from what had transpired at the dock.
I was replaying the memory when he broke the silence.
"Do you feel safe with me?" he asked quietly.
"Of course."
"What happened at the dock?"
Apparently he'd been thinking about the same thing.
"You know what happened, you were there." I didn't mean to sound snarky but the topic was making me nervous.
"Did you feel obligated to thank me like that?"
"Like what?" I challenged him.
"Rose," he groaned. "Please, this is important."
"Did I feel obligated to thank you by giving you a kiss on the cheek? Is that what you're really asking?" I was met with frustrating silence. "Of course not, I kissed you on the cheek because I wanted to." I almost added that I actually had wanted to kiss him on his lips but refrained. "If it bothered you so much maybe you should've said something or I don't know, show some kind of indication that I shouldn't have." I angrily stared at the ceiling. After I could feel my temper calming down I added. "Dimitri, all you have to do is say no or even show me in any way that you don't want me to be near you or kiss you on the cheek."
"I wish I didn't have to say no," it was almost a whisper.
I stilled, unsure if I'd heard him right. From the corner of my eye I watched as he popped up on an elbow so that he could see over the pillows, and I turned my head towards him. I didn't dare to make any other movement, afraid to scare those words away.
"You see the best in me, and it makes me afraid. I'm afraid that you act in such a way because you believe me to be your knight in shining armor. You see me as your hero and it makes me indisposed. It makes this, whatever we allow it to be, imbalanced if you only see the good in me, but there's so much that's not good. This, right here, for example."
"I don't understand," I said and blinked away the wetness of my eyes.
"If I really was the man you thought me to be, I wouldn't lie here telling you these things. I'd keep my distance, I'd be an honorable man. I can't play my part as an indifferent guardian anymore. Every day that passes blurs the lines even further, carves my willpower and control. I don't know how I can fight it anymore. I don't think I even want to fight it, but I have to. My lack of control scares me." His voice had become a whisper and he paused. "You scare me."
I could only focus on my breathing and the way his eyes were looking at me like I was the most precious thing in the world for him. The fear in them was almost visible.
"Why do you have to fight it? You don't scare me. For me it's as easy as breathing," I whispered back. "Everytime you're out of sight I miss the comfort you give me. And everytime I see you again it's like I can finally breathe."
"After everything you've been through, how can you truly consent?"
"Don't you understand? Because of everything I've gone through, I know what's right and what's wrong. And I know what I want."
His eyes flicked between mine, and I could see that they were filled with doubt. He opened his mouth twice but couldn't find any words for a while. "You're so much younger than me and have yet to experience all the things that are owed to you. You depend on me, and getting involved will only deepen that dependance. It's wrong, and even though it feels right now, you're still dealing with so much. I can't do that to you, I care too much about you. I can't be that kind of man, I won't be that kind of man."
"This is right," I said softly, desperately clinging on to the last bit of hope. "I trust you with all that I am. At the dock when you opened your belt buckle, I wasn't scared. Even though I thought about Moore and even Spiridon when I was sick and he tried to assault me. I wasn't scared, because this, you and me, is right. I trust you."
I tried to let my eyes shine with the truth of my words. The whole world had left us alone.
"How can you trust me when I don't even trust myself around you?"
For every word that passed his lips, dread settled more and more in my stomach. This was the rejection I had feared so much.
"Why are we then even talking about this if the answer's still going to be no?" I whispered and blinked several times.
"We've only known each other a few months-"
"That's not true," I interrupted him. "I've known you for almost as long as I remember."
"It's not the same. When I found you, it moved me in ways that were irrevocable. It changed and molded me into who I am today, and for that I'm grateful. But we've really only had a couple of months together, you're still adapting. Starting something right now-" he trailed off. "I'm telling you this because no matter how I try, you slip through my walls and diminish all control I've learnt and earnt my entire life. I'm not an honorable man, Roza, and I need you to understand that."
"Maybe I don't want the honorable Dimitri," I challenged him silently.
"You say that but you don't know what it means."
"Why do we have to put the weight of the world into everything? Why can't we just live in the now? Why can't a kiss be a kiss?"
"A kiss on the cheek? Is that what you want?"
I popped up on my elbow, still watching him from under my eyelashes. He was clearly fighting to stay in control.
"On the cheek, or somewhere else," I said and my eyes flicked down to his lips. "Just once."
After what felt like an eternity of an evidential fight with himself, his hand moved to one of the pillows. With a slow but steady movement he removed it. The quiet thud of the pillow hitting the floor was nerve-wracking.
I blinked a couple of times before I truly realized that he'd taken the initiative to remove the wall between us. My hand only shook lightly when I grabbed the next one and threw it on the floor.
"Just once?" he asked. He looked conflicted, but there was also a longing that I'd sometimes see in him. Only this time the longing seemed to be intense enough to burn him.
"Just once," I confirmed, the lie slipping through my lips easily enough. I already knew that once would never be enough.
We continued diminishing the wall until all but one pillow were gone. Throughout the whole time we kept eye contact, saying all of the things when the words evaded us.
As I reached for the last pillow he stopped me by putting his hand on mine. It was like an electric current went through my whole body and I could barely breathe.
"Promise me you'll give yourself some time. Be you before you become an us."
While I didn't fully agree, I could see where his words were coming from, and it made my heart swell all the more knowing he cared enough about me to make sure I got the chance to be me and experience myself and my life. That didn't change the fact that I wanted to feel those lips against mine. It didn't change the fact that I wanted him more than anything else in my life.
My heart fluttered when he pushed the last pillow aside, lazily drawing his fingertips up my arm. I shivered in anticipation. He leaned in and I drew a deep gulp of his mouth watering scent, and kept wondering how this man could be real.
He cupped my cheek with the palm of his hand before he moved it to the back of my head. I felt gentle, almost timid fingers bury themselves in my hair. He made a content sound, a sort of low humming voice deep in his throat and I wanted to hear that sound over and over again.
Only an inch from my lips he stopped, drawing back enough to make me want to cry in frustration. His thick eyelashes framed his eyes that were looking at me with both wariness and hunger.
"Just once, Roza."
I nodded, feeling his fingers in my hair tighten their hold. He closed his eyes and leaned back in.
His lips touched mine.
The same electrical current as I had felt before with him seemed to buzz between our lips on the very second he pressed gently against me, my lips molding to his in a way I hadn't imagined possible. My eyes fluttered close.
It felt overwhelming and distracting in the most delicious way that the brief panic of not really knowing what I was doing just fleeted over. All I could really think about was the way he felt. The way he tasted. The way he smelled.
His lips moved slowly as if savoring me, and I tried to move with him, his gentle guidance helping me. I felt his tongue brush against my lower lip before he captured them again and I sighed into his mouth. His fingers gripped me tighter, holding me against him as he pressed his lips to mine one final time. He smiled against my lips before he moved back an inch.
I was too dazed to smile back, the feel of him so close to me exquisite.
I wanted to feel his lips against mine much longer, but instead he leaned his forehead against mine and his fingers relaxed in my hair, massaging my scalp to soothe any discomfort his grip had caused. It hadn't of course, but he always insisted on treating me with more care than I needed or wanted. We breathed together, and it seemed as if he was as unwilling to let the moment end as I was.
There were no taken ones, no Spiridon or Lissa, or anyone else for that matter. There were no memories of my past, no worries about the future. There were no duties or obligations, no fear or worry. No sickness.
There was only Dimitri. And kissing Dimitri had been more cathartic than a hundred swims.
Author's note: Happy one year anniversary all! Can't believe we started this journey with publishing the first chapter exactly one year ago. And now, 200k words later we're still going strong. Felt like we all were owed just a crack in Dimitri's control and a short but sweet kiss.
Some of you have been with us from the start, others have joined later on. Either way we're happy and excited that this fic has received such an amazing response and gained so much interest. It's the first time we've ever attempted to write, at least anything in this scale. It took a lot of courage to start publishing, especially since English isn't our first language. But it's been so rewarding and so much fun because of all of you supportive readers who take the time to encourage us.
One chapter left before we take a break. One of the (several) big questions will be answered in that chapter, the rest we leave to part 3.