A/N: i'll talk to you at the end
Chapter 38
Edward started his inpatient physical therapy the following week.
"That was great, son!" Carlisle praised, much to Edward's chagrin. The therapist had him move from his bed to the chair next to it - a feat in and of itself - and raise his heels off the ground thirty times. The pain plastered on Edward's face made it clear it was not easy, but he did it.
"Yeah, real fucking great, huh? I can't even lift my feet off the ground, for Christ's sake."
"Considering your injuries, being able to perform heel raises on day one is pretty impressive, Edward!" Irina, the physical therapist, cheered him on. He glared daggers at her, but that only made her smile wider - it was clear she was used to disgruntled patients. "Anyway, we're done for the day. I'll be back at the same time tomorrow, okay?"
"Whatever," he grumbled, gripping the arms of the chair in a feeble attempt to raise himself out of it. I watched as the muscles in his forearms strained before he eventually collapsed back down into his seat. "Fuck!"
"I told you, Edward, you're strength will return soon. You've been bedridden for almost two weeks."
Edward said nothing in return, merely glowering as Carlisle and Irina helped him back into bed. He let his head fall against the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut.
"I'll leave you kids alone for now. I'm taking Esme out for dinner tonight. She's been so cooped up in that hotel…"
"Oh, she's feeling cooped up? Poor fucking Esme." Edward hissed.
Carlisle shot me an amused grin. "Good luck, Bella."
I took my place next to Edward in bed once he left.
"Don't you dare tell me I did a good job," He grumbled, his jaw tight as he stared up at the ceiling.
I reached out to run my fingers down his freshly shaven cheek. "I was going to say that was the worst display of heel raises I've ever seen."
He turned his head to glare at me, though the small twitch of his lips didn't go unnoticed.
"I do have something for you, courtesy of your sister, that I was going to give you as a congratulations on doing so great on your first day of PT, but…"
He lifted his head, glancing at the brown paper bag I stored on the end table. "I was wondering what that was."
"Well, it doesn't matter now. I'll abide by your wishes. No praise."
"I mean, I didn't say anything about gifts…"
I laughed, reaching over to produce the bag. "I might get in a lot of trouble for this," I told him as I handed it over.
He looked inside, raising an eyebrow. "A brownie?" He asked as he removed the baked good from its hiding place.
"A special brownie." I corrected, amused as I watched his eyes light up.
"You got me a pot brownie?" He whispered theatrically, leaning in close. "Really?"
"Well, all I did was ask Alice to make it. I didn't do much."
His responding grin made me swoon, and I felt it all through my gut as I watched his eyes roll back after taking a bite. "Holy shit, this is delicious."
"I hope so. It's my recipe."
"I knew Alice couldn't fucking bake," he said with his mouth full. "Mmm, fuck. You gotta try it."
He raised the brownie to my lips and I took a bite. He groaned when I licked some of the chocolate off my lips. "You can even make eating a pot brownie hot, Bella."
I laughed, leaning in to plant a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "Save it for the sponge bath, big boy."
He smirked at me, taking another big bite of his brownie. "Oh, I will."
The following week, Edward was finally free of the gauze wrapped around his torso. They removed his stitches, cleaned his wound and, despite his incessant pouting over it, brought him a wheelchair.
"Enough feeling sorry for yourself. It's time to get out there and see what the world has to offer." Irina told him as she coached him into the chair. He'd regained a lot of the strength in his arms already, so at the very least, he didn't need any help relocating himself from the bed to the wheelchair.
"Right. Like the vending machines and sickly patients?"
"There's no sickly patients on this floor, Edward. It's mostly people like you, recovering from an accident."
"Accident my ass," I grumbled without thinking about it. Edward shot me a glance, but Irina ignored it, instead teaching Edward the proper way to use his new toy.
"You can take a shower, now, by the way," Irina said. "Dr. Webber cleared it, and I'm clearing it, too, since you're taking to the chair so well."
His responding smile dazzled - even Irina seemed stunned for a moment by his beauty.
"Can Bella help me?"
The original appeal of Edward's shower diminished as I had to help him into the bathroom, undress and get into the plastic shower chair one of the nurses brought in for him. Up until that point, I was the only one using the shower; you know, since I didn't go home…ever.
Another new worry - when was I going to get on with my life again? I'd already missed two gigs I'd booked before the so-called accident and my bank account was surely dwindling now that I couldn't rely on Jake for money.
Even just thinking his name made me cringe.
Charlie stopped by once or twice, bringing me clean clothes and just checking up on me, I guess. I felt a little guilty leaving him alone once again but pushed that thought to the back of my mind. He'd left me alone for my entire childhood, all of his attention focused on doting on my mother.
By the time Edward was naked and we had finally adjusted the water to a not freezing nor scolding temperature, he was in a bad fucking mood.
"Is there anything more emasculating than this?" He grumbled as he worked the washcloth across his body. His wound was redressed, thank god, because I don't think I could bear to look at it again, though it would have to be changed after wetting it. That was something the nurses did, and I promptly looked away when they did it.
"The only thing emasculating was your whining about the cold water."
"It was fucking freezing, Bella!" He growled, continuing his wash. My eyes followed his hand as it worked across his shoulders, his muscled arms, across the hairs of his chest. I blinked once, hard, trying to clear my mind of my unpure thoughts - this was hardly the time or the place.
Well, that's what I thought until Edward said "Aren't you going to take your fucking clothes off?"
I quirked an eyebrow. "Would that make you feel better?"
His lips twitched up into a smirk at the same time his dick twitched up to attention.
"I'll take that as a yes."
I made a show of stripping out of my sweatpants and tank top, making Edward laugh, which sent the butterflies that lived in my stomach to go haywire. We'd been through so much - he'd been through so much - and it felt like so long ago that we had a moment like this to ourselves.
The circumstances weren't perfect, but as I made my way over to him and lowered myself onto his lap, it almost felt like it could be.
The shower water ran cold by the time we were done. I carefully extracted myself from his lap, turned off the faucet, and stepped out of the shower. Without a word, I grabbed two of the large, white towels stocked above the toilet. Wrapping one of them around my shoulders, I returned to Edward, draping the second over him much the same before turning to close the shower curtain and resume my position on his lap.
He smiled as his arms snaked around my waist. "Not done in here?"
"Not done being alone with you," I responded, resting my head on his shoulder and pressing my face into the crook of his neck. He didn't smell quite right, the hospital soap a stark contrast to his usual odor of cigarettes and boy musk, but his flesh still brought me the familiar comfort I needed.
"I love you," I said, pressing a small kiss to the bottom of his jaw.
His arms tightened around me. "I love you, too, my Bella."
"Is it wrong for me to feel kind of happy right now?"
He chuckled, sliding one of his hands up the side of my body - making me shiver - and placing a finger under my chin to urge me to look at him.
"Is it wrong if I'm kinda happy, too?"
.*.*.*.*
Happiness is fleeting.
When I got on that plane to Phoenix, leaving the only boy I've ever loved behind, I was sure I'd never feel real happiness again.
Maybe that's because I was eighteen, hormonal, and leaving the only home I'd ever known to live in a strange desert halfway across the country. Maybe it was because I was going to live with my mom, the only other person on this earth to break my heart in the way it had just been broken. Maybe it was because I was running away, something that went against everything I believed in and strived to be.
Mostly, it was because I loved him. Because, even though it'd only been a few days since our last, bitter encounter, I missed him.
I missed him, and I would never stop. Not until I was back in his arms, safe and comfortable - something I hadn't truly experienced until I met him.
.*.*.*
That next morning, Dr. Webber came in, checked Edward's torso, and his legs, then delivered the news.
"I'm signing off on your discharge papers. You can go home tomorrow."
Kinda happy from last night turned into really fucking happy, and it didn't feel wrong. It wasn't wrong; it felt like everything was almost very, very right.
Carlisle came in the afternoon with Chinese food from Edward's favorite spot to celebrate. Alice tagged along, and the four of us spent the hour talking and being happy. Alice was the best friend I'd ever had, which, honestly, is not saying much. I was so grateful to her for standing by me while Edward was unconscious. Her unwavering love when I came back from Arizona was just foreshadowing this. I made a mental note to thank her for everything the next time we had a minute alone.
Though, if it was up to me, I wouldn't go anywhere without Edward by my side again.
Carlisle, sitting on Alice's right, had treated me better in these past few weeks than my father had treated me in my entire life. He held my hand through it all. Fuck that - he basically held me together, and watching him now, laughing with his nephew, made my heart swell with a type of adoration that was unfamiliar to me, but so, so comforting.
And my Edward. God, I fucking loved him. He'd consumed every waking thought for the past three years. Everything I did, I held him somewhere deep in my heart. His eyes darted to my face constantly, despite the conversations he was holding with his uncle and sister, and when he did his eyes lit up. Just looking at him had my stomach in knots, and suddenly I had to stand up, overcome with this onslaught of emotion.
"I'm going to run outside for a smoke. I'll be right back."
Edward's eyebrows furrowed, but I just smiled at him, feeling the tears prick in the back of my eyes. Something must have comforted him in my face, because he smiled and nodded, dismissing me.
"That's okay. I wanted a moment to speak with my niece and nephew, anyway."
After a few drags of my cigarette, I managed to pull myself together. I knew this was probably only the beginning of a long road; I'd been traumatized most of my life, but not to this extent. This experience had left a mark on me, though I wasn't sure just how deep quite yet, and now that I was seeing the light at the end of such a dark tunnel, the weight of it was crashing down on me. Every emotion I felt was stronger, more real.
It was a scary concept, but I knew I would be okay because I had Edward.
Edward was resting against his pillow, eyes closed when I walked back inside. Carlisle and Alice had gone, though I didn't see them on my way out.
I made my way over to his bed, sitting gently on the edge to not disturb him. He turned his head and opened his eyes.
I cannot even express what I saw there. They were blotchy and lined with tears, one of which slipped silently down his cheek. But it wasn't the crying that made me choke on my breath - it was the horrid, profound fucking misery in them.
What could have happened in the fifteen minutes I was outside?
"Bella," his voice cracked, his hand reaching out to grab mine.
I opened my mouth, but could not formulate any words. My mind was reeling with possibilities, though I could not come up with a single one that could cause this expression on his face.
"I don't know how to say it," he croaked.
I was still searching his eyes for an answer when I replied. "Say what?"
He took a deep, shaky breath. "I have to leave."
I continued to stare at him, stunned. "The hospital? I know, Edward."
He shook his head, and his next word was barely spoken, merely just a broken whisper. "Chicago."
Suddenly, my mind went black. I felt my body stiffen, frozen in place like a deer in headlights. Edward heaved out a sob, gripping my hand tighter and pulling me towards him.
It was to no avail. I was like wrought iron, stuck in a state of shock because I could not comprehend what he was saying. My brain wouldn't allow it.
"Carlisle's right," he said. "I can't get better here. How could I get better here? I have nothing, no money, no way to get around besides my legs that don't fucking work. M-My father, Bella? How can I do anything with him around, trying to beat the shit out of me all the time? I can't, Bella, I can't, and I have to!" His tears were streaming freely, now. "I have to be better for you!"
My head was shaking on its own according, a silent 'no, no, no.' "I-I'll come with you." I somehow stuttered out, not thinking of anything besides keeping him here, right next to me.
"No," he cried. "No, Bella. I need to get better. I can't get better i-if…"
"If you're with me?"
He squeezed his eyes shut. "No. It's not that."
"Then what is it?"
He opened his pained eyes once again, staring into mine. "I need time to process… everything. All of what happened. You don't understand, Bella, and I know that is my fault, but it's true. You don't understand what you do to me. I love you so fucking much it makes me crazy. I can't fucking think, Bella, I can't do anything but try to ease the incessant craving for you."
"And you don't think I feel the same way?" I seethed, ripping my hand from his grasp. How fucking dare he? "You're everything to me, Edward. You're fucking everything!" I was yelling, now, my blood pumping through my veins at dangerous speeds. I stood quickly from my place, my head swimming as I did.
"Bella…"
"And you're just gonna leave me? After all of this? After everything we've been through, we're finally here, together, just you and me, and-"
"I'm not me, Bella." He interrupted me. His voice was soft and soothing, much the opposite of my raspy, desperate pleas. "Look at me," he gestured to his body, covered with a blue hospital sheet. "This is not me. I want to be me again. I want to be a better me, actually, and I want to do it because I love you."
"If you loved me, you wouldn't leave me."
"I'm leaving because I love you," he said, running his hands down his face as he let out a sick-sounding laugh. "God, how fucking cliche does that sound?"
"Fuck you," I replied.
He looked at me again, that same sadness in his eyes now accompanied by some disturbed form of determination. "I don't expect you to w-wait for me," I scoffed, but he ignored it. "But I want you to know I'll be back for you. I promise you that I will spend every waking moment trying to get better so I can come back to you." He swallowed once, hard, before he added, "If you would still want me."
"I'll always fucking want you," I said through clenched teeth. "And I guess that's just my burden to bear. I'll be here, wanting you desperately." The misery that was masked with anger broke through, then, and I was crying so hard I had to gasp for my next breath. "Of course, I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you here, all alone, until you decide to come back for me."
And suddenly, I realized I had nothing else to say. That would be the final word - it had to be, because if he was leaving me with nothing, I, at least, had to get that. I spun on my heels, holding my breath just long enough for his door to close behind me before I let out a sob so loud I was sure it shook the hospital floor.
A/N 2.0: in the interest in keeping this short and sweet, i know how disheartening it can be to read 38(!) chapters of a fic only to be met with more adversity. i love you guys for sticking it out with me,and as we near the beginning of the end, all i have to say is bella & Edward 4 ever