Chapter 18

November 1st, 1994

Blinking himself awake, Theodore immediately recognized where he was. Sat in that favorite armchair of his. Once upon a time, he wasn't tall enough for his head to poke over and definitely nowhere near tall enough for his feet to so firmly be on the ground. He took in a deep, early morning yawn… and that is when he recognized the weight holding him down.

Eyes dropping down… he was deeply confused, head lifting off the chair as he first just blinked a few times, taking in what he was looking at. I mean, it was Iris… laid overtop him, curled up around him. Head rested against one arm of the chair, feet wedged into the other side. Her face burrowed into his side. One hand by her face, the other limp over her abdomen. Just sleeping…. It was Iris.

Just Iris… so why did he react as he did?

Why did his eyes go wide, his own hand that had ghosted far too close to her own, shooting away as if burned? Why did his brain scramble, his heart once again doing that awfully annoying thing where it pounded at his chest.

Why… why was it that he just couldn't be normal around her anymore?

It annoyed him to no end. These feelings that he had never before experienced. His mind turned to mush, his face burned red, and his heart pounded out of his chest. He had so recently no control over his emotions anymore, and it was annoying. He blamed that stupid smile of hers. Everything went downhill from there… except that was a lie. Everything went downhill when he told her, "I am sorry," however many months ago… when he finally gave in that maybe he really did like having a friend.

Then it just got worse.

Keeping that stupid stuffed turtle that he still had hidden in his trunk. Checking by the Hospital Wing every hour when she was injured, almost convincing himself to go in once. That stupid habit of smiling he had developed. The way he agreed to attend a damn ball with her. That worry he felt over her…. That embarrassing comment at the World Cup. And then how he let that smile just ruin him.

He let that smile ruin him. He could only blame himself for how much he was suddenly acting like Tracey Davis so obviously acted with him once upon a time.

And that was a scary comparison. What it meant.

Theodore shook his head, taking in the deepest of breaths as he dragged his eyes from his sleeping friend. The hand that had been hanging lamely in the air fell to the other armrest as he looked around. Taking quick note of how it was still either extremely late or extremely early… the sun wasn't up at least. The fire was long dead…. His only sign was that perhaps it was the extremely early option.

He really hoped it was that one; then it meant Iris at least got the sleep she—

His eyes rolled up almost in exasperation with himself. Every moment he had to think for himself anymore, he was just focused on Iris. Now he fully blamed her for that. Annoying mind-reading abilities that just had him forced to suppress every thought about her for the 90% of the day they were together. The last thing he needed to do was make things weird or complicated…

Theodore's eyes went to the fireplace, something in that word bringing memories to mind… to a time he had been introduced to the end of a story. It made so little sense and yet stuck with him so deeply. One line popped into my mind at that moment…

"What I had was more than I deserved."

He couldn't quite remember the rest, staring at that fireplace… hand nearest Iris' head twirling at a piece of her hair as his mind drifted. Consumed by the nagging thought in the back of his head to finally give that story, he so failed to understand the first time another shot.

But at that moment, he was trapped.

Though, It'd be a lie to say he was unhappy with that.

XxxxxX

Iris woke to perhaps the most discomfort she had felt in her body ever, yes, including the time she nearly died months ago. She was far too tall to be curled up as she was. And why she was curled up as she was had escaped her for a moment… though so did the past two days… everything so much of a blur.

But she didn't try to unscramble her brain immediately. She may have been a mess physically, but that would fix the moment she allowed her limbs to stretch. What mattered was that in that moment of waking up… she felt rested, calm… almost herself. She held onto that feeling. She kept her eyes shut tight, perfectly still, as she allowed herself to be in that moment.

She recognized she wasn't alone… and that should have been terrifying… but it wasn't. And she figured if her gut was never wrong on negative feelings, it couldn't be wrong on the positive ones either.

Had to be some sort of logical fallacy but in a world where you could turn into animals and read minds and perform magic… what even was logic? Besides, whoever it was playing with her hair was too gentle.

So embracing the feeling that mattered more… Iris held there. Reverted back to her childhood and pretended to sleep so she could just enjoy the comfort that had always come with an empty head and the closeness of another… it'd been so long since she had that.

She always found it to be the most comforting… the steadiest feeling in the world. Doing nothing but embracing the rhythmatic beating of a heart. It really was something she could get lost in forever. Would gladly allow herself to sleep to forever….

And that is why she needed to open her eyes. Stopping herself from getting too lost.

Taking in a quiet breath, she tilted her head away from whoever's side she had pressed herself into. Opening her eyes to pleasantly find that it was still dark… justifying her want to keep holding onto her current comfort. And then she focused on the face above her, oddly… unsurprised to find it had been Theodore.

Who else would it have been?

He didn't notice she was awake… was just silently staring at the empty fireplace, just fiddling with her hair to busy himself. And so… choosing to stay in the calm, she said nothing. Staring at the boy she had once more turned to for comfort.

She didn't get to really study him often; kinda weird to just stare at people…. Okay no. Iris didn't care if it was weird; if she wanted to stare, she would stare. She just didn't ever think to stare at Theodore Nott. After he had so secretly grown taller than her, though, she probably should pay more attention. The next thing could be that his eyes do actually start glistening.

And well, she couldn't see his eyes, and the light was very dim in the Slytherin Common Room at night… but she did notice something. Something rather curious. And very sneaky of him.

It was the thinning of his face. It was natural; everyone had started changing tremendously and would continue to slowly do so the nearer they approached being adults… but the last time Iris looked, she remembered him being a lot more baby-faced. Now looking at him, she could make out the beginnings of a narrow jawline and… surprisingly high cheekbones. His slim, upturned nose was starting to look more natural with the rest of his face. And… while his mouth was as small as one could expect from any Brit… Theodore Nott was blessed with a top lip. His hair still had that casual but taken care-of look… just slightly longer… fuller than she ever remembered noticing… light brown as it had always been…but better than just light brown. It was an unmistakable brown. Not so light that it could look blond, but not so dark that it could look black… it was consistent.

Theodore Nott would have one of those narrow faces. Every feature so small and pointed. It was very him… and Iris was surprised by how it all came together. Shocked by how Theodore Nott, that plain background face of a boy… was kinda…

"When did you go and get so pretty?"

Theodore jumped, head snapping down to Iris, finally letting her see those eyes that she was waiting for to glisten. Ignoring how he seemed a bit at a loss as her out-of-nowhere comment processed in his brain.

Looking into his eyes, she would find them the same as always. Still just as brown, just as sharp as they had always been, still highlighted against the faint natural dark spots that held beneath. His eyebrows were just as annoyingly full and shaped as every man's naturally were. There was still something… something she noticed that night at the World Cup… but still failed to describe. So all she could continue to say was that Theodore Nott's brown eyes did not glisten.

Theodore had, at some point in Iris' intense stare down with him… gotten his head back. Doing everything he could to settle his heart. I mean seriously. Saying those words and then just staring him right in the eyes? How unfair. An unfairness he had to rival somehow.

"Thought you weren't going to spend any more time looking at me."

Iris smiled at that. That being that he could remember a conversation from so long ago. Shaking her head, Iris turned away, slowly stretching out her legs to dangle over the armchair… "Really want to circle back to you comparing me to a Veela?"

And Theodore had to let that one die there. Grumbling to himself as he looked back to the fireplace.

Iris took a moment to continue to let her body stretch, rolling fully to her back, letting one arm dangle to the ground while her other stretched over her head. The pain from moving after staying so still for so long faded instantaneously.

Her head tilted to the floor, noticing her boots just a bit away… things started coming back to her. Ryker, Dante, Cedric… Harry… so many problems. Headaches. Things she didn't want to deal with individually, let alone all at once. New problems just piled onto everything else she had already been ignoring…. Life was… exhausting.

And… she really just wanted to ignore it just a bit longer.

Finding the laces of Theodore's shoes, she started fiddling with them, eyes darting around as she considered her current state of existence. Theodore was already looking away again, thinking something about something as he kept staring at that fireplace… she really just didn't care to know that morning. But she did care that he seemed in no rush to push her away… that was a good sign of taking her time, at the least.

Everything went downhill from there. First was the fact that her clothes were damp… an easy fix, just would have to accio for her wand… or reach for where it was in her boot. But then was how they were in the common room; it was a Sunday, and no one would be awake for a few more hours…. But it was a Sunday, so many people would be sitting around doing their schoolwork. And then she figured Theodore was eventually going to at least want breakfast… at some point, unexpectedly… Theodore would leave her, and she would be forced to move anyways. And then, just as a final slap to the face… to everyone else, it was far too exciting of a day. She couldn't ask the girls to stay in the dorm all day… so she would be alone.

Her face dropped at that…. Alone didn't sound very comfortable.

So Iris saw two things that needed to happen. One, she needed to go hide in her dorm, probably get cleaned up and changed while at it. Easy enough. Just a quick shower and straight into something comfortable she could go… but then there were two. She would need someone there.

And with that, Iris saw yet another exhausting day ahead of her.

Pulling at Theodore's shoelace, letting it fall apart from the knot, she huffed, "Want to carry me to my dorm?"

It wasn't a real ask. Iris had no faith in skinny boy Theodore Nott even picking her up, so it was unexpected when he said what he said.

"Am I allowed in your dorm?"

Because why did he take it seriously? Iris looked back at him. She did. Because she herself had to make sure he wasn't leading into some joke. And he was still just looking at the fireplace.

Iris hummed as her initial shock faded, watching him as she considered the question, "Has never come up in conversation with the others, who is allowed in the dorm… we need to talk about it." She looked back to Theodore's shoes, finding the other knot to pull apart, "One of us is bound to have a steady relationship sometime soon."

He didn't respond aloud as per usual with him. But a comment must have popped into his head, Iris raising an eyebrow, looking at him with a quick smirk tugging at her lips, "Sweet that you would have carried me to bed, really. Truly. But, Theo, can you carry me?"

The speed at which that boy's head shot down should have given him whiplash. The absolute disbelief in his eyes at the sheer audacity of such a question. His eyes narrowed, face all screwed up; he was shocked, "What would make you think I can't?"

Biting back her laugh, Iris moved a hand, poking at one of his arms, "Well, I can't imagine you are hiding much under those sweaters. Most weightlifting you do is occasionally turning a page…." She paused, mocking a sort of concerned look, "Think we should be worried, actually. Imagine you can't even lift me for the dan—"

Iris let out a rather embarrassing squeak of a sound. Her mocking quickly replaced with wide eyes as she was raised from the chair. One arm wrapped around the back of Theodore's neck, the other making a grab for the hand on her side. Her legs limp as his other hand supported under her knees.

She barely had a second to recognize just what had happened, Theodore's smirk proud as he leaned his head towards her. Face the closest it had ever been as he teased right back at her, "Anymore worries to address?"

Huh.

Iris couldn't even bring herself to blink. To move. To think. Everything shut down for that all to brief a moment. Everything but her eyes… those very expressive eyes. That blue fire flared for just a moment, matching the way her pupils seemed to expand. The only part of her that would match the way her heart had hammered.

But just for a moment, before long… long forgotten.

Fixing herself up real quick, Iris brought back her smile, lowering her voice as she pushed her face closer, "Well, now I am rather curious what is beneath the sweater."

Thump!

Iris burst into a laugh as she met hard with the ground. Her quick spout of pain was nothing to think of. The win she had just had was all that mattered.

Theodore wasn't as amused. His smirk went as he rounded away from where he had dropped her. His eyes rolled hard despite that red that tipped the ends of his ears. Trying to ignore that stupid laugh as he shook his head, trying to act annoyed and fed up… and how he would have reacted had he been where he was a year ago.

Her laughs took a moment to subside, fading off into a big smile… then just slowly, something calmer as she lay on the ground… attempting to will herself to get up… finally let go of this morning filled with probably the best she had felt in days. Staring up at the ceiling as the smile faded off for good, as the blue in her eyes pulled back to a faint ring in the green. The problems she needed to address popped quickly into her mind.

And with that, she would let out a great big sigh, pushing herself up to her feet and stretching out her back and neck… sparring just one more look at Theodore, who had grumpily taken to the couch. She couldn't leave without one more thing, "Real Casanova potential if you just learned to smile, you know."

And her smile was back in an instant as he shot his head straight to her, an absolute loathing in his eyes as she waved her fingers at him before laughing to herself while running off to her dorm. Her boots darted off in the same direction a second later.

Theodore left alone for the first time that morning, face falling as he dropped his head to his hands with a long sigh of his own, muttering his favorite word, "Lunatic."

Though… his ears hadn't lost that red tint.

.

.

.

He looked up sometime later, back to his typical flatness, nothing really showing emotion-wise. Arms fell to his knees, still hunched over as his eyes drifted right back to the fireplace… memories coming back to him.

Right back to his first year. Staying up late in the common room, hunched over a textbook with his wand in hand. Completely alone as he always was back then… no, Iris Blackwell to yet shift his world. Scrawny little Theodore Nott, who looked as if a breeze could carry him off… the laugh Iris would have over him at that age. Annoyed little Theodore Nott, who couldn't stand his roommates. Rule follower Theodore Nott who would not be caught dead breaking any rules, especially sneaking to the library after curfew. Lonely little Theodore Nott who didn't have anything to do but practice his spells late at night.

He remembered a spell gone wrong, a great big light shooting off at the fireplace. He remembered hearing the brick fall to the stone floor. He remembered feeling his heart drop as he ran over to try and mend it.

Brick in hand as he stood on his tiptoes to look into the hole it belonged… stopping when he saw inside.

Theodore pushed himself off the couch, going right to that fireplace. He was so much taller now as he ran his hand over the bricks… feeling for the loose one he knew existed. Hand-stopping on one that once seemed so much higher up back then. Pulling it out before lifting his other hand to pull out the piece of folded-up parchment hidden inside.

Dropping the brick… Theodore opened the parchment right there. Just as he had when he first found it all those years ago… reading the words just as he had all those years ago. Words that so escaped him back then… but fascinated him all the same. A story on that parchment… or the ending of one.

Theodore always liked stories.

"Dear,

Part of me hopes this never reaches you. That you stay angry forever, rightly so, and never even look at this old hiding spot again. That part of me would have written this anyways, needing to say some things that I never can say, so need to write instead. Part of me hopes that this stays a secret hidden away forever… maybe someday to be found by someone who will be fascinated by the words I say to a mystery figure…. I always felt that you and I were worthy of a tragedy. Doomed from the very beginning… no… doomed from when things stopped being simple.

Part of me also hopes you will find this. That you find some forgiveness over the summer and take a trip down memory lane upon returning to school on the first day. That part of me isn't sure whether I wish you closure from this or that it further seals me in your memories. Part of me hopes that you take this and keep it from all eyes but your own… saving others from experiencing our tragedy… I would never wish this pain on anyone.

It almost frightens me how little time we knew each other. How little time we had together. And it was so simple for so long, wasn't it? When you really think of the timeline of it all… things didn't get complicated until two-ish years ago…. I regret that. How so many good years of your life are now tainted because I prioritized my brief spell of happiness when I always knew better.

Everything you put up with and endured for me… I don't think I will ever be able to think about you without having to also embrace the fact that I failed you. All I was supposed to do was be there, and then I went and complicated it all. Now you are going to be left alone… and I can just hope that you don't go down the path I feel you will. Know you will… it is the only path left available to you, I suppose.

I just have one ask… don't do anything stupid. Your family tends to make rash decisions… please just don't. It is wrong of me to ask you that… to worry about your life… but I can't help it. I have a tendency for selfish whims and wishes.

And I suppose the original intent behind with letter has been lost… I have always failed to quite express that original intent…. Though you always seemed to be able to grasp it anyways. I didn't believe this would ever happen for me… and I know it will never happen again. And for that, I haven't yet decided if it is best to cherish it or try and forget. That circles back to the selfish thing, really. Cherish you for me, or forget for everyone else… I am quite sick of choosing everyone else. But perhaps it would be better for you… to forget. If I kill my memories, perhaps yours won't linger long… I wish I could have chosen you….

You who made life shine so bright. Who helped guide me out of some of the worst times of my youth. You who never failed to bring a smile to me… a happiness to my heart… a calm to my mind. You who I will never be able to forgive myself for hurting….

Anyways.

Thank you. For proving to me that… I could have someone who could make me their world, and I could make mine. I guess I can't have asked for too much and had you for longer… what I had was more than I deserved.

And if you ever bring yourself to care… I will do my best to be happy… that did matter to you once. And I think the only way I will be able to go on is to convince myself you would still wish me some happiness. That you would care.

I keep stopping myself from dragging this out. Stopping myself from rambles that would ultimately say what has already been said many times before. So, I suppose I must just bite the bullet and say…

Farewell, old friend.

—L"

Theodore's head tilted as he finished off that last line, eyes going back up to the greeting. It had perplexed him so much back then… when he just stuffed it back into its hole, knowing he would have to wait until he was older to understand what he was reading…. The mysteries of this story nagging away at his mind. So desperate to know what had been before…

Now he stared at it… and it still eluded him in some small ways… but as he turned it over to the back where a different handwriting lay…

"Perhaps we can act as a lesson for someone someday."

Seeing that once more… he just so desperately wondered if this was the story's end. If the original author of the letter was correct in their story being a tragedy… all because of what was qualified as a complication of something simpler.

He wondered if the addressee had also let this story end for themselves when they wrote that addition on the back. They had to have known they were leaving it just as it was written. Walking away with words left that could only be indicative of an unhappy ending….

Theodore Nott always liked stories.

But staring at that letter, he didn't like how it was someone's reality…

He never wanted his…

He hoped… he hoped he would never complicate him and Iris.