Chapter 18: Loony Loopy Lupin
Remus was very glad to be back at Hogwarts and in the company of his three great friends again. They fell easily back into their usual routine and made the most of the September sunshine hanging out by the lake or else visiting Hagrid in his hut.
They'd progressed to more complicated tasks in their lessons - beginning to transfigure small animals in transfiguration and more complex movement spells in charms (like the dancing teapots, for example.)
Defence against the dark arts quickly became everyone's least favourite subject. Professor Yaxley still had them practicing curses on each other and would go into unnecessarily graphic details about the effects of some of the nastier ones to the extent that Mary MacDonald had to excuse herself once or twice to be sick.
He was bullying Sirius as badly as ever, asking him questions there was no way he could know the answer to or else distracting him during the practical part of the lesson which would cause him to lose his shield and be hit by the curse. After swearing loudly the last time this happened (and who could blame him?) Yaxley hit him over the head with a textbook and set him another detention which he returned from saying nothing other than 'it was grim'. Remus was quite impressed how well his friend bore up under this unjust treatment but did wonder how much more of it he could take.
James, for his part, was also distracted, but for very different reasons. The quidditch tryouts were this Saturday and, as James was James, he had spoken of very little else all week.
"Oh shut up." Sirius groaned, snatching the snitch he'd been playing with and throwing it into the lake. "Everyone knows you'll get onto the team. We know it, you know it, even the bloody giant squid knows it."
They all looked over to the lake as if expecting to see the creature nod in agreement but all they saw was the golden snitch which was arcing gracefully round and zooming back fast towards Sirius. "Oh bloody hell." He said, getting to his feet and running as fast as he could away from the ball as James roared with laughter at the sight of him.
"Apart from your lack of understanding about the basic rules of the game," James said, finally running over and catching the golden ball before it caught up with Sirius, "- you catch the snitch - not run away from it - you're really not bad, Black. Why don't you try out for the team too?"
"That's generous of you Potter, but I have my reasons for not trying out." Sirius said, rejoining them on the grass and flicking his hair back out of his eyes.
Remus quite wanted to ask what they might be, but the others were still talking.
"I wonder who else will try out in our year." Peter wondered aloud. "What about Bessie? She's pretty good."
"Bessie Bagshot?" James asked, though there were no other Bessies in their year. "She's OK. Not as good as me though."
"Is anyone?" Sirius asked and James grinned.
But despite James' skill and confidence, it was clear that he was very nervous on the morning of the tryouts. He barely touched his breakfast and looked a little paler than usual as he made his way onto the quidditch pitch with the other hopefuls.
To boost his spirits, Peter had made a banner from a bed sheet which read, simply: 'Go James!' Along with a number of quidditch related drawings (and a couple of less relevant ones of Sirius' choosing). Lily rolled her eyes when she saw it. "So immature." She said.
As Remus and the others took their seats in the stands, he couldn't help noticing how small James looked in comparison to the other players. It seemed he was the only second year trying out for the team after all.
"He'll be fine." Sirius said from beside him. "People like James are always fine. What he lacks in skill he makes up in confidence, and when it comes to quidditch he has both."
He was quite right. James flew brilliantly, scoring every goal he attempted, and it seemed the rest of the team thought so too. That night the Gryffindor captain Freddie Johnson put a notice up on the common room notice board to announce the new players. It read:
Beater - Bertie McLaggen
Chaser - James Potter
"Get in!" James shouted, grinning and punching the air.
He grabbed Sirius and Peter for a victory dance around the common room, which Sylvie (who had been doing homework by the fire) instantly joined.
Over the days that followed Remus couldn't help but notice that Sylvie wasn't the only girl who was hanging around James. He had always been well liked, but being a member of the Gryffindor quidditch team seemed to have skyrocketed his popularity to the heights of the game itself.
Girls from all the houses would stop and talk to him between lessons, making him frequently late for wherever it was he was supposed to be.
James didn't seem to mind the attention and actually chose to spend an afternoon outside with one of them (Nora Leach of Ravenclaw, who he'd apparently met over the summer at the ministry).
Though the others watched in amusement (especially as James kept running a hand through his hair which succeeded in nothing but making it even messier than it was before), Remus couldn't help noticing someone who didn't seem quite as pleased with James' new popularity.
Severus Snape was sitting nearby at the lake alone. He seemed to be reading something, but kept looking over to where James was sat with Nora. Remus saw him once or twice run a hand through his own oily hair as if trying out the effect.
As James passed, Snape hit him with a trip jinx. James marched over and pushed him into the lake. Robes sopping and pulling water weed out of his hair, Snape tried to clamber out of the lake but lost his footing on the muddy bank and slid back in. Nora laughed.
Though Remus was pleased for his friend (if not the heightened enmity with Snape), his attention was very much on his own struggles in the next few days. He felt his muscles begin to ache and grow heavy as the first full moon of the school year approached.
On the day itself he managed to make it all the way through classes before deciding that he really ought to go to the hospital wing. And so as they left the potions classroom (James and Sirius slating Slughorn good naturedly), he slipped into a bathroom and told his friends he'd meet them back in the common room.
As he didn't actually need the bathroom, he waited by the basin, staring at his pale reflection in the mirror and trying to breathe. In just a few hours he would become a bloodthirsty, mindless monster. Though he'd transformed dozens of times now, the idea still frightened him. He sometimes wondered what happened to him, Remus, when the wolf took over. Did he vanish? Or was he the wolf? And if he was the wolf, then who was Remus?
"Who am I?"
He'd spoken the words aloud as he'd looked thoughtfully at his reflection. And though he thought he'd been alone in the bathroom, clearly he hadn't been as he heard a loud chuckle and then, floating over a toilet cubicle, lying on his back and grinning like the Cheshire Cat in the film they'd seen, came Peeves.
"Having an existential crisis are we, my loony loopy friend?" The poltergeist cried in delight. "Oh who are we on this troubled land, where walk the brave and true? But those who walk are never lost but in the case of YOU!" And he blew a loud raspberry and sailed over for Remus, trying to hit him with his walking stick.
"Go away Peeves!" Remus said, fighting the ghost off him and attempting to leave the bathroom.
But Peeves followed him all the way down the second floor corridor, floating on his back, blowing raspberries and calling "loony loopy Lupin! Loony loopy Lupin!"
Remus started running. Peeves floated after him just as fast. He ran all the way up to the third floor before realising he was supposed to be going to the hospital wing and turning to run back downstairs.
"Loony loopy Lupin!"
"Go away!" He shouted again, running as fast as he could, despite the protest in his aching legs.
"Loony loopy -"
"Lupin!"
It was Professor McGonagall. She had just appeared from a side room and was looking at him with deep disapproval. "What are you doing running in the corridors?"
Peeves blew a loud raspberry and turned and floated away.
"I was..." He gestured vaguely in the direction of the poltergeist, from where there came a loud cackle as Peeves turned a corner.
McGonagall sighed. "Quite understandable." She said wearily. "You know, I don't understand why Dumbledore doesn't just arrange to have him expelled from the castle. It would be quite easy really, just some simple paperwork."
"Because the old fool's too soft for his own good."
It was Professor Yaxley. He was walking in the opposite direction but stopped as he reached them. "Hello Minerva. Lupin." He frowned as he recognised Remus. "Where are those pestilential friends of yours?"
Remus, assuming he meant Sirius and James, told him they were probably in the common room.
"I've had Sirius Black in detention twice this week." Yaxley said, turning back to McGonagall. "He's quite possibly the worst behaved student in this school."
"Quite possibly." McGonagall agreed, rubbing her temples tiredly.
"Well as his head of house and deputy headmistress don't you think you ought to do something about it?"
McGonagall bristled a little. "And what precisely would you have me do, Corban?"
"Well, detentions or house points clearly aren't cutting it."
"I've already written to his parents."
"I know the Blacks." Yaxley said, puffing his chest out a little as he said it. "And I know exactly what they'd do if he acted like this at home."
"Well fortunately it seems for Mr Black, he is not at home, he is here." McGonagall said.
"So who has more authority, his parents or the school?" Yaxley said obstinately.
"Professor Yaxley." McGonagall said, drawing herself up to her fullest height and looking the man straight in the eye. "If you do anything to that boy besides taking house points or giving detention, I will personally have you thrown out. As you so kindly pointed out, I am his head of house and deputy headmistress so it is my authority that matters here."
Yaxley smirked, though Remus could see nothing amusing about the situation. "I shall write to Walburga and let her know of your sentiments." He said coldly.
"You do that."
"She won't like it."
"I honestly couldn't care less. I am sick of parents trying to interfere at Hogwarts and I would have thought that you, Corban, would have more sense than be manipulated into carrying out some overbearing, domineering woman's warped agenda."
Remus couldn't help but grin. Though Sirius had refused to tell their head of house anything about his parents' abuse when he'd had the chance, it seemed McGonagall had a pretty good measure of them anyway.
She turned to him as if only just remembering he was there. "Shouldn't you be in Gryffindor tower, Lupin?"
"Er - no, professor. I'm just on my way to…" And he gestured vaguely towards the direction of the hospital wing.
"Ah, so you are." She said, looking out of the window as if expecting to see the moon there already. She lowered her voice and said softly "good luck."
He smiled at her. Grateful both for the protection she was giving his friend and the fact that she wasn't looking at him like he was a complete monster.
Yaxley was watching them both curiously but Professor McGonagall wished him a curt good day and, following her cue, Remus left as well.
Madam Pomfrey greeted him warmly when he arrived at the hospital wing a minute later. She was keen to hear all about his summer and so he told her, swinging his legs in the chair she pulled up for him as he explained about his friends' visit, their trip to James and Peter's house and the muggle film they'd been to see.
She laughed as he described the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. "He sounds quite wonderful." She looked at her own watch. "It's almost time I'm afraid, Remus."
Though he knew she was right, he couldn't help wanting to stay for just one more cup of tea and five more minutes' conversation. It was so warm and comfortable in her cosy office and it had been so nice pretending he was normal for a while.
But he followed the matron out of the hospital wing, over to the whomping willow where she stunned the tree by poking the knot at the base, and led Remus down the dark muddy passage which led to the shack beyond.
There was a haunting familiarity about the place, this site of his monthly transformations the year before. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, being back here. The furniture was already becoming a little worn and battered from where the wolf had thrown itself against it, and there was still a blood stain on the rug where the wolf had cut itself badly last year.
He shivered though it was not cold, and after Madam Pomfrey left he climbed into the four poster bed to wait it out again.
Remus had never really considered his lot in life to be unfair. He was grateful for very many things, mainly the constant and unwavering love of his parents, which he had sadly come to realise one mustn't take for granted. But as he thought of his friends, safe and warm in Gryffindor tower, probably listening to the wizarding wireless or playing a game together, he couldn't help but feel a little lonely. They could never know this part of him. This secret that he carried so close to his chest. They would turn their back on him instantly. And that would be a worse pain than almost anything else.
It was beginning. He felt the start of the transformation as a sharp pain in his jaw, as the bones there snapped and reshaped themselves. He would have cried out but his mouth was no longer working properly.
He felt the pain next in his back, which arched and then stretched as the bones there reshaped and grew. There was a burning sensation in his eyes now. He wasn't sure what colour the wolf's eyes were. Were they amber perhaps? He remembered his scared, pale reflection from earlier in the boys' bathroom. He forced himself to remember his eyes. They were brown. Who I am? Who am I? Who am I…?
"Remus!" He came to in a small pool of blood on the wooden floor. Regaining consciousness, he opened his mouth to scream. He was shaking violently. There was a searing, throbbing sensation in his calf and he very nearly lost consciousness again.
But Madam Pomfrey was beside him in seconds. She made him swallow a potion which eased the pain instantly. She placed a gentle hand on his forehead and ran her wand over his battered leg. Fortunately he couldn't see what she was doing, but he felt something tug and pull around the area as his skin stretched over the wolf's savagery.
She helped him gingerly to his feet and half led, half carried him back to the castle and the hospital wing.
By the time they'd reached it, Remus was exhausted and could barely stand any longer. Madam Pomfrey helped him into a clean white bed, forced him to drink another potion, and the next thing he knew, he was blissfully, deeply asleep.
"See? I told you he'd be here!"
Remus sat up in bed, blinking and panic building in his chest as he recognised the speaker's voice.
It was Sirius. Oh no. This was all wrong. Remus was an absolutely awful liar. He'd told his friends last year that his mum was ill and that was why he had to go home once a month, to visit her. But then last Easter Sirius had discovered him in the hospital wing and over the summer they'd seen with their own eyes that Hope Lupin wasn't really sick at all.
He could hear his friends now arguing with Madam Pomfrey who appeared unwilling to allow them entry. Knowing he'd have to face them eventually and as they already knew he was here, he rang the little bell by his bed.
"Sounds like he's awake." One of his friends said and without waiting for permission, the three of them appeared around his bedside.
"There you are!"
"What happened to you?"
Pete and James were looking relieved but Sirius looked suspicious and, was it possible? A little irritated.
"So not visiting your mum this time then." He said a little coolly. "What happened?" He looked Remus up and down.
"Your bedside manner is terrible, Black." James said, pulling up a chair and sitting beside Remus so he could take his hand. "How are you doing?"
Remus felt utterly wretched. He hated lying to his friends, and he knew Sirius hated being lied to. Turning his back on him, he turned to James on his right. "I'm ok. I just felt a bit funny last night. I'll be alright."
"We were worried! Why didn't you tell us? We'd have come with you! We wanted to go and find you, but Sirius -"
"Said he should be allowed to have his secrets." Sirius said and Remus felt himself shrink at the badly concealed anger in his friend's voice. "Because that's what we all want, isn't it? For no one else to know our painful stuff."
Remus didn't know what to say. Sirius was right. Friends shared things with each other and they supported one another through them. But how could he help Sirius see that their situations were poles apart without actually telling him his secret? No one could possibly judge a child for the way their parents treated them, but they certainly would for being bitten by a werewolf. As liberal and open minded as his friends might seem, they were still wizards and wizards hated werewolves. That was all there ever had been and ever would be to it.
Sirius seemed to realise he was being unfair. He sighed and took the seat on Remus' other side. "We missed you today." He said.
Remus' eyes burned. Oh how much he longed to tell them why he wasn't being honest with them. But he couldn't. How could he? It was a desperate, trapped, hopeless situation to be in.
Sirius fished for a handkerchief and handed it to him. "It's OK to cry." He said, smiling a little as Remus recognised his own words parroted back to him. It had been last January when Sirius had been brave enough to share his own doubts and vulnerabilities with Remus. The guilt pain in his chest redoubled.
"We'll leave you to get some rest." James said, squeezing his hand. "We just wanted to see how you were."
Remus nodded, unable to say anything to any of them.
"See you at dinner?" Peter said and Remus nodded again.
Once they'd gone however, he let the tears come. He longed more than anything else in the world to be honest with them. For the first time in his life, he actually wanted someone to know he was a werewolf. He sometimes wondered if it would be worth losing their friendship for - the pain of lying was so great, and getting harder the more time he spent with his friends. He didn't know how much longer he could do this for.
He felt more angry and frustrated than he'd ever felt in his life too. If only he'd never been bitten he could have been normal. He could be like James, comfortable sharing whatever random thought popped into his head. He could be like Sirius, brave and honest in the face of his struggles. Or like Peter, innocent and unmarred.
But he wasn't like the others, and he knew there was no way they would ever accept him for what he was. Even worse, they would hate him for it, which he just couldn't bear. And as he sank miserably back into his pillows, he knew that was the price he would always have to pay. Because he was not a boy, he was a werewolf. He was loony, loopy Lupin.