Chapter 35 - Snape's Worst Memory
Remus, like Sirius, felt that the second term of their fifth year might just be the happiest he'd ever been in his life. Of course the fact that Sirius was so much happier also contributed to Remus' happiness. He'd forgiven him quickly for his mistake last term. Remus could understand why he'd done it. His anger and powerlessness had driven him to rash action and Remus truly believed he was sorry. He'd never seen his friend as upset as he'd been when he visited him in the hospital the morning after. How could he not have forgiven him?
And Sirius, as well as James and Peter, had done something for Remus that made his transformations at Hogwarts not only possible but actually enjoyable. He didn't know how it was possible, how they had tamed the wolf, allowed his mind to remain his mind, but they had done it. Friendship really was the greatest kind of magic.
Remus had been very anxious letting them in the shack with him (now known as the 'shrieking shack' after the noises he'd made led the Hogsmeade villagers to assume the place was haunted), but they had insisted, and he couldn't say no.
He remembered the panic he'd felt as the beginnings of the first transformation with them there had started. They had all been watching him, in their animagi forms of course, and he had felt so ashamed as his body began to shift. He was sure they would be unable to hold him off. The wolf was vicious, bloodthirsty, inhuman. But he remembered the amazement he'd felt as he'd looked back at his friends. He had recognised them.
And how much fun they had all had… they'd stayed in the shack for the first transformation, but there really hadn't been that much space for them there and so next time they had ventured out into the forbidden forest. Remus as the wolf had bounded around, quite delighted to be free and with the others. He could even remember who he was! Before Madam Pomfrey came to get him in the morning (she had declared the whole thing 'a miracle'), the others would sneak back up to Gryffindor tower before breakfast.
They were of course exhausted for lessons and frequently in trouble for falling asleep at their desks but they insisted they didn't mind. James and Sirius spent so much time polishing silver in the trophy room they said they missed it when they weren't there (though unfortunately it did little to help their fatigue).
Remus still felt very guilty though. Another thing he felt guilty about were the fights James and Snape were now getting into on a near daily basis.
Though Peter may have been right and some of it was over Lily Evans, Remus knew some of it was over him too. Snape was furious that James had apparently 'saved his life', insisting he had been in on it just as much as Sirius and deserved to be expelled along with the rest of them. He clearly thought the punishment Sirius was given for the incident ridiculously soft and seemed determined now to enact some sort of vigilante justice. Without even Lily to calm him down, he was vicious and more vengeful than ever.
Totally ignoring Dumbledore's words to them all in his office, he caught James with a number more hexes and curses in the weeks that followed. Remus had no idea how he knew them. They didn't teach them things like that at school, not even in DADA. Their current teacher, Professor Clarkson was much like McDougall had been - matter of fact and strict (though hopefully he wouldn't have have a similar accident to their old DADA teacher at the end of the year) and he taught them mainly self-defence. It seemed Snape had been either inventing his own spells or researching them in the restricted section of the library. Remus wasn't sure what was more dangerous.
Snape and James were both called into Dumbledore's office again just before the Easter holidays after an incident just outside the great hall left James with a deep gash in his face and Snape having sprouted bunny ears and a tail. Unfortunately, the second visit seemed to have proved just as unproductive as the first.
"Ten things I have in common with Snivellus." James said, looking down at the parchment he was supposed to be writing on in disgust. "It's easier to find ten things I don't have in common with him." Yes, Remus thought wryly, that was exactly the point. But James was still speaking. "One, I'm not a greasy git. Two, I'm not a death eater. Three, I wash my hair."
"You've said that one." Sirius said boredly from where he was sitting on the floor, taking apart the common room radio to 'fix' it again. "I think greasy git covers washing your hair. Or rather not washing it."
"Fine." James said, scratching it off the list. Remus sighed. James was actually writing these down. "Three, I have friends."
"Hey, I know something you and Snape have in common." Peter said, grinning. "Lily Evans hates you both."
Sirius laughed and James threw his quill at him.
It turned out Dumbledore wasn't at all happy with James' efforts (or lack thereof), which wasn't really a surprise to Remus. As James had had to write something, he had ended up putting simply 'we both go to Hogwarts'.
He came into the common room after his visit to the headmaster looking seriously put out.
"How'd it go?" Sirius asked.
"He said he's not at all impressed with my attitude and that he would expect someone in a position of leadership at the school to show a bit more maturity. Mature… I'm mature." He scowled and kicked a ball of parchment across the common room floor. Sirius picked it up and threw it in the fire. "You git, that was my list of things in common with Snivellus!"
"Well then I did you a favour as now there's nothing." Sirius said.
Fortunately James took his role as quidditch captain much more seriously (and with much more maturity) than his instructions from Dumbledore. He was training with his team every other night and would catch team members in the common room for little pep talks too.
"You're brilliant." He told keeper Bessie Bagshot one night. "But you need to know you're brilliant. Choose a goalpost to guard with confidence."
Confidence was certainly something it seemed James didn't have a problem with. He was determined they would win the final game of the season and win it they did. "I know. I'm brilliant." James grinned as he met up with them after the game. The final score had been two hundred and forty to Ravenclaw's ten. Wai Ming Chang was rumoured to have had a nervous breakdown and wanted to resign as captain.
James grinned at Lily as she and her friends arrived at the celebration party. "Looking good Evans." He said. She was wearing a black muggle dress and heels and had done her hair up in an elegant knot.
"Thanks. It's not for you." She said, turning her back on him. Remus saw Sirius and Peter snort into their hands behind him.
To James' disgust, Lily was sitting with Snape again in potions. "I don't get it. I thought they'd fallen out?" To vent his feelings, he lobbed a Dr Filibuster's No Heat Wet Start Firework into the Slytherin boy's cauldron. They had been working on a vanishing solution and to James' delight, the majority of Snape's body disappeared from view as the exploding potion caught him.
"Shame it wasn't the draught of living death." Sirius said casually.
Remus frowned at him. Had nothing Dumbledore said got through to him?
It was hard to tell who was more upset about the invisible Snape - Slughorn or Lily. "I'd say it was a vast improvement." James shrugged as Slughorn waddled up the aisle to tell him off and Lily wiped the solution off her friend, bringing him slowly back into existence. "What a shame." James said.
As summer term wore on, they became increasingly focused on their OWLs. Or rather Remus and Peter did. James and Sirius, as had been a yearly theme for them, insisted they didn't need to bother with 'that rubbish' and that they 'knew it all anyway'.
The situation was very different for Remus. He wasn't at all sure he 'knew it all', and as his options for careers after Hogwarts were much more limited than his human friends, he knew how important it was for him to get outstanding grades.
His careers chat with McGonagall had been very painful. If he could choose a career, it would be as a healer at St Mungo's. He loved the idea of giving back to and helping others with some of the kindness he'd never received from the staff in the hospital himself. But unfortunately McGonagall told him it would be impossible. She had handed him some leaflets on jobs that would be suitable for a werewolf which included maintenance, caretaking and gardening. Things that didn't involve other people or a strict schedule. He'd become so used to being just like everyone else at Hogwarts that he had forgotten that when he graduated life would be very different for him indeed. But he would do his best anyway. He owed it to Dumbledore and he owed it to himself.
So while James and Sirius whiled away their free periods messing about in the common room, he and Peter took their school things out to a favourite beech tree by the lake. And it was here that they sat, one fateful afternoon after a particular DADA exam.
Remus had thought that on the whole it had gone quite well. There had been a brilliant question: 'name five signs that identify the werewolf' which he had smiled as he'd read. Well, at least that was one question he'd be getting full marks on. He could practically feel James and Sirius grinning at him during the exam, and of course it had been the first thing they'd said to him after it was finished.
"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake." Sirius said predictably as they left the hall and wandered outside. "I'll be surprised if I don't get an outstanding on it at least." At least?!
"Me too." James agreed, fishing in his pocket and pulling out a golden snitch. Where had he got that from and why had he taken the stupid thing to the exam?!
"Where did you get that?" Sirius asked.
"Nicked it." James said, which shouldn't have been a surprise.
Choosing to ignore this latest display of rule breaking, Remus pulled out his transfiguration textbook instead. The DADA exam had gone well, but it didn't do to get complacent. He did find it rather hard to concentrate though with Peter's loud cheering and clapping every time James caught the snitch he was playing with. He expected (though didn't go so far as to hope) that Sirius would tell him to shut up in a minute.
"Put that away will you?" Came his friend's voice on cue. "Before Wormtail wets himself in excitement."
"If it bothers you." James said, tucking the snitch away and Remus went back to his book. He knew Sirius was the only person James would stop showing off for.
"I'm bored. Wish it was full moon." Sirius said.
"You might." Remus told him, looking up again. "We've still got transfiguration. If you're bored, you can test me. Here." He held out his book to his friend, but Sirius snorted.
"I don't need to look at that rubbish. I know it all." Of course he did.
"This'll liven you up, Padfoot. Look who it is."
"Excellent. Snivellus."
Remus felt the familiar sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach. His friends had obviously seen Snape. And for the hundredth time in his school career he wondered why they couldn't just leave the boy alone. He frowned as he tried to keep reading about vanishing spells.
"Alright, Snivellus?" Came James' voice and then, apparently unprovoked, "expelliarmus!"
Remus looked up at the spell. James had, for reasons best known to himself, disarmed Snape. The boy's wand flew high and over into the clump of bushes behind him. Remus had an automatic urge to get to his feet and go and get it back for him.
"Impedimenta!" Sirius said as Snape dove for his fallen wand.
Though Remus' feeling of unease had only increased at this second unprovoked attack, it seemed he was the only one who wasn't enjoying the sport. Students had gathered around to watch now. Most of them were looking eager, Peter had even edged closer for a better look.
"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" James said, approaching the Slytherin boy with Sirius.
"I was watching him." Sirius said harshly. "His nose was touching the parchment. There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."
There was laughter from the crowd and Snape struggled to get up against the jinx that was holding him in place on the ground.
"You wait." He panted, looking up at James with an expression of purest loathing. "You wait."
"Wait for what? What are you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"
Snape let out a stream of mixed swear words and hexes but with his wand in the bushes nothing happened.
"Wash out your mouth." Said James coldly. "Scourgify."
Remus watched in dismay as Snape was suddenly gagging on the pink soap bubbles now foaming out of his mouth. It looked like they were choking him. Surely this had gone far enough now…
"Leave him alone."
Remus breathed a sigh of relief. It was Lily Evans. Lily was a prefect too and did her job so much better than Remus did.
"Alright, Evans?" James, whose hand had predictably jumped to his hair as Lily approached, smiled at her. Remus wondered why he didn't just give it a rest. James wasn't stupid, how could he possibly think Lily would fancy him right now?
"Leave him alone." Lily repeated, looking at him with great dislike. "What's he done to you?"
"Well, it's more the fact that he exists if you know what I mean." James said and there was laughter from the surrounding students.
"You think you're funny. But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag potter. Leave him alone."
"I will if you go out with me Evans. Go on, go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."
Remus looked up. James really was impossibly stupid.
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid." Lily said. Well, Remus could have told him that.
"Bad luck prongs." Sirius said. "Oi!"
Snape had, while James' focus had been on Lily, managed to reach his fallen wand. He pointed it at James and a large gash appeared on the side of his face, splattering his robes with blood.
Enraged, James sent a spell back at him and next thing they all knew, Snape was dangling in the air, his pale legs and greying underpants on display for them all to see.
Remus wasn't sure but he thought he might have seen Lily's lip twitch. "Let him down." She said.
James jerked his wand upwards and Snape fell to the floor in a heap. He scrambled quickly to his feet, face burning with humiliation.
"Petrificus totalus." Sirius said and Snape keeled over, rigid as a board.
"Leave him alone!" Lily shouted, taking her own wand out. James and Sirius eyed it warily.
"Ah Evans, don't make me hex you."
"Take the curse off him then."
James sighed and turned to Snape and muttered the counter curse. "There you go. You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus."
"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her." Snape spat and Remus blinked. He'd never heard Snape speak to Lily like that before. He knew their friendship had seemed rockier this year, but to actually call her that…? Had it just been his humiliation and rage that caused the derogatory term to slip out or is this how he truly felt towards his childhood friend? Had James really caused that to happen?
"Fine." Lily said, looking coldly back at him. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."
"Apologise to Evans!" James roared.
"I don't want you to make him apologise!" Lily said angrily. "You're as bad as he is!"
"What?!" Yelped James. "I'd never call you a…you know what."
"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can. I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me sick."
She turned on her heel and hurried away.
"Evans! Hey, Evans!" James called after her but she didn't look back. "What is it with her?" He said, trying to look like this was a casual, throwaway question of no real importance to him (and fooling no one in the process).
"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited mate." Sirius said.
"Right." James said, furious now. "Right!" There was a flash of light and Snape was upside down again. "Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"
Fortunately for everyone involved James didn't take off Snape's pants. It seemed his cruelty didn't stretch quite that far and the sport and humiliation had been enough entertainment for him. Especially as Lily had said what she had to the Slytherin boy.
He delighted over their subsequent fall out more than he did the end of their exams. "I'm not surprised she won't talk to him. Did you hear what the idiot did? He called her a mudblood. I mean, how thick can you get?!"
"And she told him to wash his pants." Sirius added. "How unattractive can you get?"
"Well, she was never with him for his looks." James said, grinning more broadly still.
"Shame those soap suds didn't wash his hair."
"Shame the vanishing draught I exploded on him wasn't permanent."
"It is his existence that's the problem here." Sirius agreed. "And I think Lily finally agrees. All in all, a very good result for everyone involved."
Except for Snape, though Remus didn't say it. Just as he'd said nothing under the beech tree. Where he'd sat in silence, watching an innocent person pay a terrible price.
Leaving the others to their teasing, he headed off in the direction of the owlery. He wanted to be alone for a while.
He sat up amongst the owls, staring up at the rafters and thinking, for the hundredth time in his school career, why the hat had sorted him into Gryffindor. He wasn't brave. He was a coward. He knew what had happened by the lake had been wrong. Lily could see it. What must she think of him, a fellow Gryffindor prefect, for not even being able to speak up against his own friends?
He felt his eyes burn as he watched James' owl Allegra take a sip of water from the communal bowl.
He was weak. He'd always been weak. And because of him, Snape had lost his best friend. If only he'd had Sirius and James' confidence. They never seemed to have a problem telling people to shut up and sod off (and worse). Why was that? Well that was obvious. They were just worth more than him. They were wizards and people liked them. They were entitled to be seen and heard in wizarding society, unlike Remus. No one wanted to hear from a werewolf. No one would listen to a werewolf.
He felt so utterly miserable he couldn't bear facing his friends again. He stayed up in the owlery until the sun set and it was dark.
"Moony!" They greeted him when he eventually joined them at dinner. He'd been hoping they'd have already gone up to the dormitory but it seemed they had waited. Peter was on his fourth helping of pudding.
"Where were you?" Sirius asked.
Remus shrugged. "Nowhere really."
James passed him the bowl of potatoes but Sirius continued to watch him thoughtfully. "I think I get it." He said.
But he didn't. If he did, he wouldn't keep doing it.
The dinner passed miserably for Remus and he went to bed just as upset that night.
Some time after he'd drawn his bed hangings and James switched out the light he heard the sound of footsteps on the floor. He sat up just in time to see Sirius poke his head through the hangings. "Hi." He said. "Mind if I join you?"
Though they were far too old to be doing this now (they'd often sat together as children, trying to feel less alone) Remus nodded (despite wanting to be alone right now). Sirius came and sat across from him on the bed, his legs crossed and his face illuminated by the light of his wand.
"I know why you're upset." He said.
If he knew, why did he keep doing it? Remus thought for the thousandth time. And to his surprise, he felt a surge of anger towards his friend. He never felt angry with his friends. Even after the willow incident, he'd blamed himself more than Sirius for the fact that it could have happened in the first place. He usually found a way to blame himself, a werewolf. Isn't that what the ministry were doing now? Blaming the werewolves? Well, they could get in line…
"You don't." He said and was surprised again at the bite in the words.
Sirius blinked and he regretted it instantly. His friend was going to turn around and leave him. What right did a werewolf have to speak to a human like that?
Sirius didn't speak. He was looking at Remus but he didn't seem offended. He seemed to be giving him space to go on. Remus sighed. "You don't understand." He said quietly. "Because if you did… you'd leave him alone." There, finally he'd said it. He'd said what Lily had the guts to say when it needed to be said.
But he knew they wouldn't do it. Not for him. The entertainment (for that's surely all it was) they got from picking on Snape far outweighed Remus' desire for kindness, even if it did make him sick to his stomach to see the way they treated the Slytherin boy.
Sirius smiled. "I knew it was about Snivellus."
"Why do you have to call him that?" Remus whispered. "It's not his name."
Sirius looked down at the bed covers then back up at Remus. "Look, I know you think we're gits for how we treat him." That was one word for it. "But I don't think you understand. Sniv-Snape is a vicious cretin who hates the world and wants to watch it burn. He's made it his life's work to be a foul git and it's just wrong, Remus. We're not being cruel, we're putting the world to rights."
Remus wondered what it was about his two friends that meant they were allowed to decide what 'putting the world to rights' meant but said nothing. "Why do you hate him so much?"
Sirius looked confused. "I've just told you why."
But he hadn't. He'd only told Remus how much he hated him. Why did he hate him? What was it really that Sirius hated?
Remus wanted to push it. He wanted Sirius to see (as Remus suspected) that it wasn't Snape at all he was so angry with. If he could see that, he wouldn't do what he did and they would in all likelihood be a lot happier for it. But he knew it was pointless. Sirius was far too stubborn. "Forget it." He said.
"I don't understand what you're saying." Sirius said, looking at him with a mixture of hurt and confusion.
Of course he didn't understand. That was the whole point. And Remus could see it would take more than a ten minute chat in the boys' dormitory to enlighten him. "It's OK." He said.
Sirius smiled sadly at him. "Remus, you're a good bloke. I have no idea why you're friends with berks like us sometimes, but you have to know you're wrong about Snape. That's just a fact."
That wasn't a fact. That was an opinion. Was Sirius really not intelligent enough to know the difference? "OK." He said again.
But the tears came after his friend had gone. He wondered how it would be to have someone in his life who did understand. And though Remus had wanted to be alone, he now felt more lonely than ever. Perhaps there was no one like him out there who saw things the way he did. He remembered the students who had gathered to laugh at Snape's humiliation. There had been so many of them. The world was so unkind and it was surely pointless to try and change it.
He thought again to how the wizarding world saw him as a werewolf. Maybe this is why he felt so miserable seeing his friends torture Snape. He could relate to being treated unkindly by virtue of the fact that he existed. He knew his friends weren't really bad people. He knew they fought for what they thought was right and they had after all accepted him as a werewolf. But it seemed they couldn't accept him as a human. Sirius hadn't understood, and Remus wondered if anyone would. Would anyone see that there was more to someone than whether they were a 'foul git' or not? Or maybe it was silly to try and fight it. Like Snape, the world had been unkind to Remus. Maybe that was just the way things went.