A/N: Hello again. I've finally made the time to reply to comments on AO3, but in FFnet I realized I can't reply at all. Very sorry. But I want to say thank you and I love you for your kind words. I treasure every reviews and will keep working hard. Love all serve all :)
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Chapter 48: Wilt
Nanako Meino, a nursing professional, walked around the streets of Germany that morning. She decided to familiarize herself with the city before actually starting with her new job. A year ago after her divorce, Nanako decided to fulfill her dream and applied for a job in Germany to continue her profession, leaving Mika with Rinko and Nanjirou. She finds comfort that this temporary job would only be for six months and that she would be able to meet Mika with new found skills and growth.
It was a good decision to broaden her horizon and to cultivate her master's degree in the country. So, Nanako embarked on a new journey in her thirties.
She spotted a nice restaurant that serves vegetarian meals all day, so she decided to have her lunch there. As she entered the establishment, Nanako recognized a familiar face in the place.
That person looks like…
She gathered the courage to walk towards him. After all, she remembers him in her cousin's middle school.
"Excuse me, you're Tezuka-san, right?" Nanako smiled at the stoic gentleman drinking black coffee and reading the local newspaper. The man looked up to her and stared, as if wondering where he had seen her from.
"I'm sorry?"
"I'm Ryoma-kun's cousin, Nanako Meino," She bowed in greeting. They had met each other a couple of times. Once during the Kantou games, then at Sumire's funeral, and then at Ryoma and Sakuno's wedding. Tezuka, finally recalling her identity, stood up and bowed at her.
"Nice to see you here, Meino-san. Are you here for business?" he asked in a deep and monotonous voice. Typical Tezuka, Nanako thought.
He offered the adjacent seat from him, and Nanako gratefully sat.
"I'm going to work as a nurse here for the next six months. I've heard from my cousin that you're a pro here. Congratulations, Tezuka-san," she smiled. A belated congratulation is indeed a bit weird, but she has always been polite like that.
"Yes, thank you. I take it Echizen is doing well?" he inquired.
"Yes, he and Sakuno-chan would visit home sometimes. Although I'm sure Ryoma-kun is busy with his tournaments right now,"
"Is that so," Tezuka remembered the conversation he had with Ryoma at his stag party. He's keen to observe that the boy has been struggling with tennis lately. But he felt proud that his love for the sport is pushing him to unlock his full potential, now that they're both pros.
There was an awkward silence between them that Nanako was not used to, while Tezuka thinks it's normal, put two silent people on a table and this is what you get, after all.
"Ah, I better not disturb you, Tezuka-san. I'll be going," Nanako stood up but was stopped by the man.
"Wait, aren't you going to eat? You can take this table, then. The place will be packed with customers soon. I'm done with my brunch, after all," Tezuka kindly offered his table to her. Nanako blushed at his chivalrous deed, and couldn't help but admire him even though he's an awkward type of person.
"W-Well then! Thank you so much, Tezuka-san. I hope to see you around," she smiled.
"Yes, we will," Realizing his blunt words, Tezuka blushed in embarrassment, "...I-I mean, take care and if you need anything, feel free to contact me. Here is my number."
As if a wave of confidence engulfed his whole body, Tezuka unknowingly left his number written on a paper, to none other than Nanako Meino, Ryoma Echizen's (his kouhai) cousin! On the outside, he would seem calm and collected, walking around the streets, adjusting his glasses. But inside, he was freaking out. It was the first time he had done something like that, and the first time he stuttered in front of a woman. Tezuka wondered why. The rare moments he met her, it was a normal encounter. But knowing that she's here alone, makes him want to help her in any way. He thought to himself that it's only natural to take care of a kouhai's relative, after all.
This is okay. He thought.
At the restaurant, Nanako input Tezuka's number on her cellphone. A smile graced her face as she thought how kind Ryoma's friends are. She can't wait to tell him about it the next time she calls home.
Sakuno arrived home dead tired. She should have seen this coming, though. Being in a higher position means greater responsibilities. She kept on repeating her mantra in her head, every day, every minute she spends in the kitchen.
I can do this. I can do this.
But on a brighter note, her co-workers seemed to be getting friendly. Aside from Soichirou, the server and her first friend in the restaurant, other staff are now softer towards her, and she hasn't been crying behind the building anymore! That's what makes her job bearable.
Let's go to a karaoke next time!
She recalled the women inviting her after work. It's been a while since she had a girls' night ever since… Well, it's been a while since she and Tomoka spoke to each other. Anyway, that was a problem for another night.
Her problem now is her husband. See, being married to your favorite person is indeed a dream come true, but no marriage is perfect. Don't get her wrong, though. She loves Ryoma very, very much and having been married to him for a year already, it was blissful. But sometimes, he can be a lot to handle, and to deal with him and her job at the same time can be exhausting.
Believe it or not, a dream couple like them can have one of those days, too. In fact, today is one of those days.
"You're home late," came Ryoma's stern greeting, his arms crossed on his chest. Sakuno was a bit annoyed at how he would always scold her. Yes, sometimes, she would walk around the cold streets of Tokyo before actually going home to at least have space from the rest of the world. The last thing she wanted is to be scolded for getting home late.
"Sorry," she said in a flat tone.
"Can I ask why?" He followed Sakuno inside the living room.
"I was stuck at work. I'm sorry, Ryoma-kun. Can we talk about it tomorrow?" She was too tired to face him at this point.
"Well, you're working tomorrow, so we can't. Sakuno, you know it's dangerous to be out at this hour," he said. He was only worried about her, and it's not like he can wait at the restaurant. She would get mad if he shows up there, and Ryoma knows the reason well.
Sakuno saw Ryoma's expression on the mirror's reflection. There was evident sadness in his eyes. Sakuno was aware that Ryoma had always suppressed any negative feelings towards her, and he would keep his mind open for her opinions. She felt bad that he seemed to walk on eggshells around her, it's not like she was strict or anything, maybe as time went by, she became more fragile than before and that was eating her conscience.
Her heart broke a little.
"I know…" Sakuno spun around and wrapped her arms around his waist, "...I'm sorry."
Ryoma's eyes softened. He couldn't really be angry at Sakuno for even a minute. She could melt his troubles away with just one embrace. He would have been happy for her career and all, but he was worried that she might fall sick for always working late and even he was aware of the heavy responsibilities of being a chef.
But lately, he's been too burned out from training, too. So, he was planning on taking a break for the second time and he hoped that Sakuno would, too.
He caressed her hair and spoke.
"Why don't you take time off work? We can take a trip somewhere, wherever you like," he finally suggested. Sakuno listened while she enjoyed the feeling of Ryoma's chest, listening to his steady and loud heartbeat.
"We can do that, right? You can always talk to your boss. I mean the restaurant's still going to be the same even if you're not there, it's not like you're employee of the month–"
"What?" Sakuno pulled away from him abruptly.
"What? Don't you want to take a rest and just spend time together? Or I'm thinking maybe you should change jobs that isn't too stressful for you,"
Ryoma was sensing that he must have said the wrong thing again based on Sakuno's confused expression, so he offered a small smile.
"Ryoma-kun, I've worked hard for this job. Why would you say something like that?" she said in an accusing tone. Sakuno felt invalidated and insignificant. She wasn't sure if he actually heard himself say those horrible things, or he's just that clueless. Ryoma panicked, he didn't even know what he said but it was clearly not his intention to offend her.
"No, I–"
"You want me to leave something I love, just like you did. It's what you always did," Sakuno was fuming with anger. It irked him a bit for what Sakuno was implying. Flashbacks of the traumatic memory he had when he tried to walk away from everything clouded his mind. It was a choice he needed to make, for himself. He had to leave to find himself, even if it meant not being together.
"You're throwing that back to my face?" Ryoma turned away and sat on the sofa. The good mood that he had a while ago was now replaced with annoyance. It was unfair, he thought. Sakuno supported and waited for him, right? Why would she say it like that now?
"You see, Ryoma-kun… the difference between you and me… you'll always have the privilege to fall back and have somewhere you can return to. I don't have that kind of luxury. I had to actually work and earn this."
"Okay, I know you're upset, but you don't have to lash out on me," he shrugged, playing it off coolly. He just wanted to extinguish the fire in Sakuno, and hopefully not end up sleeping on the couch.
Sakuno was fed up. She walked to the kitchen and got a glass of water. Her mind was in a swirl and thought a cold water would cool off her head.
"You didn't have to worry about career or money. You get back up on your feet without losing anything," Sakuno didn't want to say anything she would regret, but she felt that she needed to tell him everything in her mind. Truthfully, it was the first time she ever spoke to Ryoma like this, full of hatred. But a much greater feeling darkened her heart.
"You don't even care that I'm not pregnant," She mumbled, expecting that he wouldn't hear that last part. But it was too late, because he heard it anyway. Ryoma stood up and glared at her. He had never gotten that mad at Sakuno before, he only ever did with his enemies. But this was below the belt.
"Hey, I don't appreciate you taking your frustrations out on me. I'm only trying to help. And who says I don't care?" His voice was low, shaky, and it sent a shudder to Sakuno. But she was too angry to be scared of him.
"Ryoma-kun, it took me a long time to get promoted. I'm not going to throw it out the window just like that,"
"Yeah, it took them a long time to see the wedding pictures," he said sarcastically. Sakuno couldn't believe what she was hearing. This isn't like him at all. It felt like she was suddenly falling from the tallest building, unable to comprehend the whole situation. But she had to stand her ground, it would always be this way, Ryoma would always be the one who's wiser, who's in control of everything.
"You think I was promoted because of you?" this time her voice was a whisper. He heard the disappointment in her voice, and immediately apologized.
"Sorry. I didn't mean it–"
"Weren't you the one who pushed me to pursue my dream? Now you pressure me to choose between my career over family. You don't really care about me," Tears threatened to fall from Sakuno's eyes but she fought it.
He saw those tears that she struggled to keep. It was wrecking him, seeing Sakuno so hurt by his own words, and he seriously wanted to cut his tongue off for hurting his wife. But what about him? He was hurt and confused, too. Don't his feelings matter at all? Ryoma refused to back down. She had to know his frustrations, too.
"Don't blame me because I'm the one who's being neglected here, not you. It was never you, Sakuno. It's not you who gets to stay in this empty house and wait for someone all night, only to be greeted with… this."
"This is what you wanted, Ryoma-kun. You urged me to follow my dreams, and now that I did, suddenly it's the source of our problems. I worked hard to accomplish something because I don't want people to think that you married a lowly woman."
"Then quit. I can take care of you."
"Ryoma-kun, you don't understand at all. It's not about money."
"Then what is it? If you don't tell me, how am I supposed to understand?"
"Why did we even get married?!" she blurted out. Her words felt like a thousand daggers slashing his heart out. It sent him to a shocked state that he couldn't say another word.
A single light illuminated the living room. By that point, Sakuno unconsciously held a hand on her mouth, his intense gaze on her unwavering. Anger engulfed the two as they waited for someone to speak. Sakuno felt like she was watching her whole world crash down and it was a horrible scene.
Hurtful words were said, and only the walls of their home had witnessed their nasty banter. Sakuno saw how Ryoma's face dropped and was replaced by a shocked expression. This was the reason she didn't want to talk about her pent up feelings. It was just the tip of the iceberg and she was relieved that neither of them even had the urge to continue, because if they had, she feared that she may have hurt him more than she intended.
So, she decided to turn her back and end it without closure.
"I'm going to bed," she walked past him and went to their bedroom. Ryoma heard a click on the door, the sound of it locking. He looked around the quiet, spotless place they called home.
Ryoma was in shock. He thought to himself "what just happened?" or something. He actually contemplated if he should go in and apologize, or stay out and let the natural course of their lives take control. Everybody knows that he's not the kind of person to confront a situation, any situation. Sakuno knew this as well. That's why he struggled to think about what to do to make things right with her. He noted that this might be the worst fight they ever had.
He sighed, making his way to the bathroom. He had the habit of hiding his precious pills in his cabinet. He always had to take it everyday, but his head hurt, and his heart was aching that he doubted one would be enough to put him to sleep. So he took three that night. He cupped his hands beneath the tap to drink and splash water to his face.
He hoped it would wash away the loneliness he was feeling.
Sakuno sits on the floor of their bedroom, letting her tears stream down her face freely. She was hurt, devastated, and alone. Of course, they have fought before, but those were just about trivial things, like whose turn it is to take out the trash, or who didn't water the plants. But this was different. It was anger brought by frustrations and shortcomings of one another. It pains her that Ryoma thinks she doesn't have to continue her dream and have a life outside of their marriage. From the start, she was sure that he supported her in every way, and he had a clear vision of what he wanted for her. Sakuno couldn't understand his intention at all and it was driving her mad.
She wiped her tears with her arm, and made her way to the room's toilet. She didn't have time for this, she needs to get up early for work, after all.
"To tell you the truth, when I heard that you booked an appointment today, I was surprised. But I was also relieved that you decided to talk again," Miss Mao smiled, and Ryoma noted how she had more wrinkles on her face now.
"I guess I just wanted someone to talk to," he sat on the sofa adjacent to her, and sighed heavily. Miss Mao sensed that Ryoma had something heavy on his mind, and it was weighing him down.
"So, how was your day?"
"Couldn't be better. My flight was delayed so I had to sit at the airport and stare off into space," he shrugged, Miss Mao chuckled.
"How's your life in Japan?" She probed.
Ryoma looked up at her. He actually came to talk to her about the recent events. He sought explanation, and advice. And it would make him feel more open talking to a stranger rather than his own family or friends, and being his therapist for years now, Miss Mao always understood him, so he was comfortable to open up his life to her, even for a bit.
Ryoma could feel a headache incoming, he almost wanted to throw up.
"It sucks… I feel… terrible. I know I don't mean all those things I said to her, but maybe deep inside, I actually do. Maybe I wanted to hurt her, maybe because I was too sad or something. But I feel like trash," he closed his eyes and thought hard of more words, carefully translating his emotions into words.
"I just don't want to be alone," he finally confessed.
Miss Mao studied his face. His eyes watered, clearly on the verge of crying. But his lips formed a smile. Miss Mao had always known Ryoma had the habit of projecting his emotions the opposite, and there were rare occasions that he genuinely smiled or cried in front of her. This was one of the times he tried to conceal himself from her.
She felt her heart ache for him. He once spoke about his relationship with Sakuno, and at one point, he was happy. But it was normal to fight and all. It was an experience everyone goes through.
She let him vent, all those things he could never tell Sakuno, and how he was struggling to keep up with his training every day without breaks.
"When you overachieve, the world expects more," she commented. Ryoma nodded.
"That's true," he agreed. "Ah, I want to run away to some other place, somewhere unreachable!" He stretched his arms up and it settled behind his head, cradling it comfortably. He smirked, and Miss Mao smiled.
"Rest is important for the mind and body. Even just for a little while, everyone needs someone to hold onto, someone to lean on. I hope you and your wife could be that person for one another. Both of you are doing your best to balance your life and work, and it is hard. All of your feelings are valid, and it holds a piece of your heart. Communication is important, too. I believe it can mend whatever is broken, even just for a bit."
Ryoma listened silently, letting himself be vulnerable in front of Miss Mao. He felt secure and understood that day, a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time.
Sakuno walked along the deserted streets on the way to their house. She has been thinking about her fight with Ryoma all day, and she couldn't help but wonder how she would make things okay. The face he made when he was hurt bugged Sakuno that she couldn't function well in her job. After that fight, they didn't have time to talk since he flew to America that very morning, and she was already at work before he even woke up. She felt guilty that she didn't even have time to make him something to eat.
"Maybe I'll leave breakfast for him tomorrow…" she mumbled. Sakuno knew that at this hour, Ryoma might already be asleep. He had training tomorrow so it couldn't be helped.
She nodded to herself and saw the lone house standing at the end of the street. Trees surrounded it and it was a relief to know that she would be able to rest soon. In the midst of her thinking, Sakuno saw a figure of a man standing outside the gate.
"Ryoma-kun," she muttered under her breath.
His dark green hair shone under the moonlight, the gentle breeze blew through his coat, and he snuggled to keep himself from the cold. Sakuno could see the fog escaping his mouth, indicating that he was cold. The moment he noticed her presence, Sakuno's heart melted. She knew too well how his face would turn worried every time.
She walked towards him without saying anything, and he kept his mouth shut until they were finally face to face. Ryoma took a moment to observe her figure before he spoke.
"Welcome back," he awkwardly said.
"You were waiting out here?" she frowned as he nodded.
"Let's go inside, it's cold," She attempted to walk past him, a habit she did to avoid confrontation. But Ryoma spoke again.
"I'm sorry for everything I said. I won't complain anymore," Ryoma looked down. Sakuno sighed. She didn't want to see him so down.
"I'm sorry, too. For being distant and defensive," Sakuno couldn't look at him, so her eyes settled on his unbuttoned coat. They stood there, an awkward silence between them. It felt sad that they seemed to revert back from their past selves. One was too reserved, and one was aloof. Marriage changed them, sometimes for the better, but most of the time, it wasn't good.
Maybe this was good enough.
"You should go in and rest," Ryoma said. He was used to offering a way out for her, to save her from much confrontation. That way, she wouldn't have to deal with him.
"Thank you," Sakuno replied, then she walked inside the gate. His heart ached, maybe because he didn't expect her to just walk past him. But still, it was good enough for him.
Before she opened the front door, she turned around and found that Ryoma hadn't followed her. So, she walked to him and held his hand, something that she hasn't done in a while, then pulled him in.
Ryoma's eyes widened, surprised that Sakuno had touched him, at last. It has been a couple of days since that fight, and it was comforting to know that she still made a small effort to let him know that it's okay. It made his heart swell in relief.
"Let's go home, Ryoma-kun," Sakuno said, a faint blush on her cheeks. She kept a straight face, careful of the fragile situation they were in.
"Yeah," he only replied. He stared at her fingers wrapped on his hands. It wasn't tight anymore, and he felt his fingers slip from hers when they finally stepped into the house.
As if the flower that once bloomed, had started to wilt before their eyes.
To be continued.
A/N: I'm a little bit weird for writing drama while listening to Kirari…
