Tang had the best idea.
It was dangerous. Life-threatening, even. Ah, but wasn't he supposed to be developing into less of a coward? He was destined to try this.
He leaned against the counter of Pigsy's Noodles, watching Pigsy stir a pot of fresh broth. Pigsy's back was to Tang, determined to ignore Tang the way someone would ignore a begging dog.
Well. Tang would show him.
Sniffing, Tang drummed his fingers on his countertop. "That's odd," he commented.
Pigsy didn't even bother to turn his head. "What's odd?"
"It's your broth." Tang frowned. "Oh dear, I think the flavor may be off."
Pigsy gasped. He raised the ladle to his own lips, sipping off of it. "You're out of your mind, it's perfect as always! Pah. Me, making anything subpar?"
It pained him to lie. "No no, I really think it's not got enough salt," insisted Tang.
"Oh, and you think you can tell by your sense of smell?" Pigsy slopped noodles, broth, vegetables, and beef into the dish, managing to not spill a drop. He shoved it down the counter at Tang. "How's it feel to be wrong, Tang?"
Tang barely kept his joyful reaction under wraps. All according to plan. Serious with concentration, armed with his chopsticks, he raised the bowl up to his lips. Taking a long gulp, Tang sighed. It was perfect. But … he expertly inhaled the rest of the dish, setting the lovingly emptied bowl down on the counter.
"The soy flavor was weak."
"WHAT?!" Pigsy whirled around, missing Tang's pleased grin as Pigsy hauled out several ingredients. "Oh no no no, if I'm slipping… I've got to try-" He turned up the heat on the stove, stirring in a few more ingredients. The broth smelled just as good as before as Pigsy made minute adjustments to it, frantically whisking in more soy sauce and a dash of sesame oil.
The next bowl of noodles slid down the counter to Tang like a blessing from the heavens. He dug in, barely believing he was getting away with two entire bowls of noodles while Pigsy nervously looked on. Meat, scallions, bok choy, expertly pulled noodles, divine broth- all of it blended together into the perfect symphony of flavors.
"Well?" pressed Pigsy. He was sweating, leaning over the counter, eyes wide.
Oh. Tang needed to come up with a flaw in order to keep the flow of free noodles going.
He set down the empty bowl, feeling so pleasantly full that his mind buzzed. "Hmmm," he pondered again in his Tang-y way. Pigsy held his breath in anticipation. Tang brightened, as if realizing what the issue was. "Ah, that's it! The noodle texture is ever so sliiiiightly too tough."
Pigsy stared.
Then he exploded.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? MY NOODLE TEXTURE AIN'T UP TO YOUR STANDARDS?" roared Pigsy. He slammed both hands on the counter as he continued shouting so loudly that Tang's hair blew in the angry breeze generated by it. "I HAVEN'T SERVED AN IMPERFECT NOODLE IN THIRTY YEARS AND YOU KNOW IT! SO WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, HUH? I'LL SHOW YOU!"
He paused mid turn, facing his kitchen as his mind whirled.
Tang put on his best cute eyes. "Oh, I'm sure one more bowl and it'll be just right! Third time's the charm!"
Pigsy slowly turned around, eyes glowing pink.
Uh oh.
Tang hadn't accounted for Pigsy's newly blossomed telekinetic abilities. In an instant, Pigsy's rake appeared in his hands. Broth, noodles, and vegetables soared upwards from the pot on the stove, orbiting Pigsy like a delicious solar system.
So enraptured by the majesty of Pigsy's savory creations glowing and floating in the air, Tang didn't even think to dodge when Pigsy swung the rake and sent a helping of beef noodle soup right into Tang's awestruck, open mouth.
Making noises unintelligible to demons, humans, or celestial beings, Tang stumbled backwards and collapsed onto the floor.
He made an effort to swallow what he could. Priorities.
Other than that, he pensively chewed on what was still in his mouth as he stared up at the lightbulb high above his head. Yes, this was the ideal way to die. Tang was currently composed of a higher noodle soup to Tang ratio than he'd ever been before. Closing his eyes, Tang savored the final few bites, slurping up a noodle that had slipped away, so lost in the experience that it took a few seconds to tune into Pigsy's yelling.
"...you moron, would you GET UP ALREADY?" Pigsy prodded his side with a mop.
Tang moaned, laying a hand on his stomach. "I'm so full… you'll have to carry me home," he pleaded weakly.
"Oh YEAH?" Pigsy put his hands on his hips. "You're lucky you're not sleeping on the couch tonight after this stunt!"
An idle threat and they both knew it. Tang's place in Pigsy's bed was as secure as MK's employment no matter what either of them did.
Tang managed to stand up with a table for support. He adjusted his glasses, a satisfied smile still on his face. "I've never felt so content."
Pigsy scrubbed the floor, scowling.
The silence was odd.
Tang leaned forward, trying to catch Pigsy's expression. "Pigsy?"
"I can deal with a lot from all the idiots in my life, but you finally stooped to insulting my cooking?" Pigsy's shoulders sagged.
"What? No!" Well, he'd literally just done that. Tang rushed forward, taking the mop from Pigsy's hands in an uncharacteristically helpful manner. "Oh I didn't even realize- Pigsy, every dish was as splendid as always! I figured you'd keep giving me noodles if I kept complaining, but I didn't want to hurt you! Never!"
Pigsy watched Tang be so overcome by repentance that he cleaned. "Never thought I'd see the day… alright, alright, I feel better knowing it was all a ruse and that my cooking is still untouchable."
He sighed as Tang finished mopping. "Why do you do it, huh?"
Tang looked up as he put the mop away. "Do what?"
"Oh come on, antagonize me every day of our lives at work! You know I've got a temper- don't you have any self preservation instincts? You run away from almost anything else."
He'd been working on that, thank you very much, but Tang understood the point. He smiled, walking by Pigsy, letting a hand linger on his shoulder.
"It's worth it. Your cooking is really the best in the city, in all of China, and even if you're going to chase me around the block for annoying you, it's so good. This little game is too delicious to quit- and it's endearing when you're angry."
"Hey."
"Which means you're endearing all the time!" Tang laughed. "Besides…" he swooped in for a kiss on Pigsy's cheek. "Nothing says love like a good home cooked meal. Your yelling never fools me, Pigsy."
Pigsy fought to keep a smile off his face. "Yeah yeah. And what's your style of saying love, huh?"
"Normally, it would be wisdom," Tang chuckled nervously as Pigsy gave him a withering look. "But today I may do the dishes."
"Mopping and dishes? You really are sorry," marveled Pigsy.
Tang filled a sink with hot water, glancing back at Pigsy. "I guess we can't take the other person's feelings for granted, huh? Even implying a flaw in your culinary expertise… I betrayed what's dearest to me." His eyes watered.
"Alright, cut it out. Apology accepted." Pigsy rolled his sleeves up, dicing up garlic for his next pot of soup, the movements so natural they were almost automatic. He was happiest like this. They both were. "I'd say I'm sorry about throwing soup in your face, but you seem to have enjoyed yourself too much for that."
Tang sensed an opportunity.
"Well Pigsy, if you'd like to make it up to me, I'm sure I could go for a bowl of-"
A clove of garlic soared through the air at Tang, seemingly propelled by the shouting that followed it.
"It hasn't even been FIVE MINUTES SINCE YOUR LAST PLOT, YOU FREELOADER!"
Tang wheezed with laughter into his sleeve as he blocked the incoming garlic.
He wouldn't have Pigsy any other way.
