Despite her being my friend, I'm not sure what to make out of Nagisa. She's soft-spoken, shy, she's a crybaby for sure, anxious, kind. Yet, she can be stubborn sometimes too. When she has her heart set on something, while she can get easily discouraged, she doesn't just quit. This drama club thing? If it were me, I would have quit before I had even started. But, it's something she has her heart set on. She just needed the courage to get something started. And, I can tell right away, if I hadn't foolishly agreed to help her, nothing would have happened. Geez, well, that kind of makes me feel responsible for her now... I don't think I can handle that kind of responsibility...
But, she's still someone I feel the need to look out for. Hence why we ended up standing outside of the club room together. I watched her as she took deep breathes, her hands clutched to her chest. I can tell that if I wasn't there with her right then, she would have left, telling herself that she would try again another day. I was almost tempted to take her arm so she didn't try it anyway. She kept her eyes on the door, as though looking for her courage somewhere in the paint.
"Why are you so reluctant?" I asked her. "There's nothing to be so scared of. The worst they can say is 'no,' right?"
"I guess you're right. On the inside, I know nothing bad will happen. I just can't help but be worried..."
"I get that. But if you just stand here and let your nerves make the decision for you, you won't get very far."
"I know..." I watched as Nagisa took another deep breath, her hands clasping even tighter together. "You're right.. I'm going inside now. I'm going to join the drama club..."
I nodded, watching her place her hand on the door. I'm not one for words of encouragement, so I just watched her. But geez. When she held her breath like that...I did the same thing without meaning to, as if her anxieties transfer over to me. I don't think I've ever felt like that for someone before. Then again, no one I've known has ever been as...helpless as Nagisa. Well, I wouldn't have to worry about this for much longer I suppose. Once she joins the drama club, the worrying would be...over?
Looking into the club room, both of us froze. There's...no-one inside. The floor is sparsely lined with packing boxes and dusty looking props. This room doesn't look like it's been touched in awhile. "What the hell?" I mumbled as I looked around.
"Did we go to the wrong classroom?" Nagisa asked as she clasps her hands together, not moving from her place in the doorway.
"No, I remember this is where the drama club was last year," I told her, stepping inside the room as I look around. Now that I think about it, I haven't seen any flyers for the club this year yet, or heard word about any practices. "That's weird. I wonder if..."
"If.." Nagisa asked.
"If...maybe there isn't a drama club this year?" I muse. "I haven't heard anything about it yet. I guess I didn't realize it. I'm not really a club guy, so I didn't have a reason to think about it." Not until now anyway.
When I look back at Nagisa, I wince. Her head is down, and her eyes are facing the ground. Oh geez... "I didn't realize..." she says softly.
"Hey, don't look so upset. There's always..oh." I meant to say that there's always next year. But, considering that she's a senior, I guess thats not an option. I can see her shoulders shaking, so I know this isn't the time to just stand around and choose my words. "Let's get out of here."
"Yeah.." she says softly, rubbing her eyes.
"There isn't a reason to cry about it. We don't know if the club is disbanded yet. Maybe they don't start until next semester?" But even I know that's probably not true...
"Maybe," she agreed, wringing her hands. "I'm sorry. I know I should just smile and be grateful that you came at all. Or even more apologetic for wasting your time like this. But, I was so looking forward to it, so it's hard not to be sad, though I'm trying really hard not to be."
"You say that as if you're being sad on purpose," I told her. "Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass, but it's not like this is the end. There are still independent local theaters with shows you could audition for."
"That's true too.. It's just that.. Being in a drama club was about more than just acting for me. It was about doing something fun with my friends. It was about sharing something special between the people I'd grow to care about. It's so hard making friends as a new student, so I just thought.." she said. Though, she quickly cut herself off, wiping her eyes once again. I have to stare at the wall for a minute, I can't meet her eyes. How am I supposed to respond to her...? "I don't want to just give up yet. There has to e something I can do."
"Well..why not just start it up yourself?" I asked. I felt stupid as soon as the words leave my mouth. But, maybe she's just as stupid, as the expression she gives me tells me she's taking me seriously.
"What? Me?" she asked.
"Why not?" I shrugged. "It'll be a lot of work, but if no one else will do it, why not you?"
"Do you think that I can?"
"Sure, why wouldn't you?"
She was reluctant, looking down at the floor again, thinking over what I had said. Frankly, I didn't know whether or not she could do it. But hey, better her than me, right? Besides, most people could do anything they set their minds to i'm sure.
But suddenly, she's looking up at me again. "You're right!" she said to me. "If I don't do something, the club will die out, and I can't let that happen! Plus, I won't be alone. I'll...I'll have you to help, won't I?"
"...huh?"
'How the hell did I let myself get roped into this?' Most of the time, I would spend my time after school looking for things to do, or hanging out with Sunohara. But now here I am, sitting at one of the desks of the box-ladened classroom, a big piece of poster paper in front of us. Sighing, I watch as Furukawa stares at the paper, filled with the information about the drama club, trying to figure something out. "We need a sign that catches the students eyes and attracts plenty of attention," she sighed.
"So then why not add a picture of something?" I ask listlessly.
"A picture? What of?" she asks.
"Whatever you want. It's your club."
"Really? Well then, I know just what to draw," she smiles as she begins to draw, singing the tune of some children's show. The Big Dango Family? Good grief...
"So...why theatre?" I ask her, looking for a way to pass the time as she drew.
"Hm. Well, my dad used to be an actor," she smiled. "He still does a little acting on the side of the community theatre. But he settled down and works at the bakery to focus more on family. It was always something he was so passionate about, and he always looks so happy in the recordings of his college plays. So I knew it was something I wanted to do too!"
"Following in your dads footsteps, huh?"
"Yup~ I want to be just as good at it as he was someday. And I want to share that sort of happiness with the people around me. I think fun and happy things like that really bring people closer together, and makes friendships that last a very long time." Staring down at her picture, she smiles softly. "I won't be at this school much longer, so before I graduate, I want to make a lot of fun, happy memories."
I don't know what to say to something so earnest.. "I have enough memories of this place to last a life time, though they aren't exactly great ones. Being here so long, you start to feel claustrophobic." Even though I don't say it out loud, I can't help but think about this town in general. Everything about it, this school, my father's house, even Sunohara's house, it makes me feel so trapped. I want to escape, though I don't know where to. Everything is coated in a wash of gray fog, and it's so hard to find the way out... "I'm glad you can make something good out of being here."
"Oh..." she says, and I cringe. Geez, did I say too much? "Then, why don't we make happy memories...together?" she asks. When I look at her, I can see her jump. "Oh, I'm sorry, that must have sounded so strange!" She blushes. "W-what I mean to say is that, now that we're friends, maybe we can do fun things together? And then we'll have nice memories of this school, won't we? Oh no, I don't think that made it any better at all!" She cried, pressing her hands against her warm cheeks. I can't help but snort at her expression. Is she stupid? I can't tell...
"Fine," I agree, getting her attention.
"F-Fine?"
"Yeah, fine. We can do fun things together."
"Oh, well then...would you like to join the drama club? You can be the first member~"
"Not a chance," I shoot it down right away. "Acting isn't my thing. Besides, I'm not too interested in being in a club, period.
"I had a feeling you might say that," Nagisa wilt. "Well, I'm grateful you're still helping me, even for a club you won't be a part of." I wonder if it would be rude to tell her I'd feel bad if I didn't... So then, helping her is more for my own conscious, then her well-being. Then again, I don't even know if that's true or not anymore.
"Yeah," is all I can think to say. Even now though, I have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is it really such a good idea to get so involved with something I don't care about? The club, I mean. I...somewhat care about Nagisa. I wouldn't have made as many stupid promises as I did otherwise, promising to help her and do these things with her. I guess it's sort of hard not to care about her. I don't think I'd do this same sort of thing for Sunohara. I wonder what it was that made her different?
Well, a lot of things, I guess. She's nothing like Sunohara. I feel like I can tolerate her longer. Well, other then when she cries. I don't know what to do then, so I just pull solutions out of my ass. But even then, I end up feeling bad about it. It's weird.
"Okay, let's make some copies, and then we can hang them around the school!" Nagisa smiles enthusiastically. And for some reason, I can't help but smile back.
Is she the weird one? Or am I? I don't really think I know anymore...
