"If I Would've Known"
…A Gunsmoke Story
Matt slowly made his way up the boardwalk towards Long Branch, longing to see Kitty but not sure how she would react to seeing him again. He had left in somewhat of a hurry and they weren't exactly on the best of terms. He needed a sabbatical and time alone on the prairie, although things didn't exactly go according to plan. Although, to be fair, he didn't really have a plan to begin with. He knew he needed to get away and Kitty just couldn't understand. So he couldn't exactly make pretense that everything was OK between the two when he finally reached the batwing doors and saw her seated at a table with her back to the door and fully engrossed in her work. Still, he resolved himself to at least try to smooth things over and try to convince her that he would be all right after all. Kitty was too wrapped up in her ledgers to hear his footsteps as he took a deep breath and made his way inside.
She was madly shuffling papers back and forth, trying to distract herself to no avail when she heard the familiar baritone voice that stopped her in her tracks. "Hello, Kitty."
She turned around and paused for a moment to take in the sight before her. There before her stood her best friend, her lover, her whole world. She wasn't even for certain that she would ever see him again. All she could do was stand and let out a greatful sigh, "Oh, Matt."
He walked over to the table stood before her. Her gaze trailed from her face to the object of her anger. He had put that worthless piece of tin back on, so it was clear to her that he had once again put his job before his own well being. Before them. The relieved smile on her face began to melt into more of a consternated look as she pursed her lips together tightly. "Everything all right?" He asked as he keyed in on her mood change, concerned that something might've happened while he was gone.
"Fine, just fine.." she replied curtly as she turned away and sat back down at the table and began to fidget by idly tapping her pencil against the ledgers. She was truly relieved that he had made his way back to town in once piece, but the fact that he seemingly re-assumed his duties only strengthened her resolve. She had already made her mind up about what she had to do.
"What's wrong, Kitty?" he asked as he took a seat at the table. He already knew what was wrong, but he didn't know just how wrong things really were.
This time, she let out a more languid sigh and looked up at him, her eyes meeting his and looking deep within, hoping that he would sense the urgency in her voice. "We need to talk."
Matt wasn't really prepared for what she might have to say. "Sure, sure. What's on your mind?" He prepared himself for the onslaught.
"I wasn't expecting to ever see you again." She said pointedly. "You made it seem like you might not even be coming back."
Matt winced at the barb. He deserved it. "Listen Kitty, I know I…"
She interrupted him. "Let me guess, you know you messed things up but you didn't mean to."
"Of course not," he reached across the table to grasp her hand but was taken aback when she quickly withdrew it before he had the chance.
"Matt," she looked down as her eyes began to mist. She hesitated for just a moment before drawing in a breath and looking deep into his eyes. "I…" she figured that she would be strong enough to say what she wanted to say but found that her voice began to fault. "I…I can't do this anymore."
"Do what?" Matt looked over at her concerned, clueless as to what she was getting at.
She choked back a sob. "Us, Matt. I can't do us anymore. I can't sit here and bear the thought of another two bit outlaw putting another bullet in you, Matt. I thought…" She couldn't fight back the tears any more as she rose to her feet. "..I thought this might actually be the time where you came to your senses. Matt, your arm.. it's liable to never be the same."
"Now Kitty," Matt also stood, his face pale with uncertainly. He had never heard her talk like this before. "I'm getting better. My left handed draw is getting faster and.." She folded her arms against her chest and interrupted him again, her voice was vexed. "And nothing, Matt. It won't be too much longer before some ruffian comes to town after hearing that you were injured and just itching to make a name for himself by being the one to finally gun the legendary Matt Dillon," she mocked.
"Kitty, please.." Matt stepped to the side and began to make his way around the table, walked up to her and placing his left hand on her shoulder. "Just hear me out." She quickly stepped a half step back to withdraw from his touch. "No," she looked up at him, her eyes harboring a deep sorrow. "I'm leaving in the morning, Matt. I'm going back home."
And in that instant, his whole world shattered. His voice began to quiver. "But Kitty…this.. Dodge is your home."
"Was," she said as she turned around, afraid her resolve may break if she continued to look at his devastated face. "But I can't do this with you any more. I was okay with our arrangement for a long time. But this time, it's different.. I gave up a lot of things for you, Matt."
"It was your choice." He noted. "You know the way things had to be, but it was always your choice."
"Sure it was, and despite all, I chose you. But you didn't choose me."
He quickly replied. "I choose you every day, Kit."
She felt the anger within begin to surface and she turned back around to face him. "No, Matt," she reached up and gave his badge a sardonic thump. "You don't choose me. You choose that badge. Even still, I've made up my mind. I'm leaving tomorrow, Matt, and that's final." She gathered up all her ledgers and began to walk up the stairs.
"Kitty, wait…" He called out to her and she paused halfway up the stairs. She turned to look back at him and the sight of him almost made her weak. There stood the stoic lawman who's life had just fell in shambles. A single tear fell from the corner of his eye and slowly dripped down his tanned cheek. " Please…"
She shook her head. "Goodnight, Matt." She said as she turned around and continued up the stairs and to her room.
He couldn't believe it but at that moment, his whole world fell apart.
IIWK IIWK IIWK IIWK IIWK IIWK IIWK IIWK
A few hours later, Matt sat in his office staring blankly ahead with his feet propped up on his desk and nursing a glass of whiskey. He knew he had messed up but never imagined things could go this horribly wrong. Taking his last swallow, he worked up the courage to go try to talk to her again. If this truly was her last night in Dodge, he at least wanted to spend it with her especially if he was never going to see her again. He couldn't let them end on a bad note. He sighed and rose to his feet, making his way back over to the Long Branch. It was all locked up by now so he walked down the alley and made his way up the back stairs. For a moment he thought about using his key but thought better of it. Instead, he knocked softly on her door. "Who is it?" he heard call out to him.
"It's me…" he said, barely loud enough for her to hear but she recognized his voice anyway. She opened the door. "What is it, Matt..?" He asked hopefully, "May I come in?" She weighed her options and considered sending him away. Despite being angry at him, she did spend the last 19 years of her life with him so she decided to afford him some mercy. She stepped aside and he tipped his hat to her before removing it as he entered her room. He hung both his hat and his gun belt on the hook as she shut the door behind him.
"Matt, I'm sor…" she turned to him but was interrupted as he reached out to grab her arm and pull her to him. He figured it was now or never and so he reached down to capture her lips in a searing kiss. She was taken by surprised but allowed him to have the moment because she did love him after all. It wasn't too much longer before his tongue pressed against her lips and she parted them slightly to allow him in. She rose unto her tippy toes and wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. No matter how mad she was at him, he had a way of making her absolutely vulnerable to his affections.
"Oh, Cowboy.." she replied raspy as she pulled away to catch a breath.
He placed a hand on her shoulder to still her and then tilted her chin up so that his eyes gazed longingly into her sapphire hues. "I love you, Kit."
"I love you, too," she replied, not really sure what to make of the situation that she'd now found herself in.
"If this really is your last night," Matt fixated himself on her beautiful face as he moved a wayward curl behind her ear. "I want to spend it with you."
Kitty sniffled and blinked heavily to stifle a tear. She wasn't sure what overcome her as she reached up and began to unbutton his shirt. She placed her hands on his now bare chest. "Matt, I.." she replied, voice barely above a whisper. "..I do, too." And in an instant, his eyes began to flame with desire as he placed an arm around her back, pulled her close to him, and again met her lips in a needy kiss. She let her hands wander downward and firmly grasped his growing evidence of desire which caused him to pull away from their kiss and elicited a sharp hiss. She moved her hands slightly northward and unbuckled his belt, pulling it away feverishly. It took a considerable amount of coordination and she was as delicate as she could possibly be as she worked around his sling but they soon found themselves standing before each other as naked as the day they were born. His lips crashed down upon hers again as she began to walk backwards towards the bed, urging him to follow her along all the while not breaking from their kisses which grew in both urgency and intensity. Once they reached the bed, she maneuvered them around and gave him a careful nudge to urge him to sit on the bed. After he sat down, she straddled his lap mindful to not touch his injured arm. They continued the onslaught of kisses until she pushed lightly against his chest to urge him to lie down flat. She then scooted up so that their hips were aligned and together they joined as one.
If this really was her last night, Kitty decided that she wanted to spend it making love all night long in case it was the last time they would ever come together.
TBC
