If I Would've Known

A Gunsmoke Story

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Author's note: guests, thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews. I wish I could thank each of your personally. Y'all are just as important to me though, so thank you for your support!

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The next morning, Kitty decided that today was finally the day that she would go visit Doc. Things were strenuous at best with Matt and thought that maybe talking to Doc would offer her some clarity. If anything, she needed the chance to confess how wrongly she'd treated Matt before she could attempt to make amends with him.

On her way over, she stopped to pick a handful of wildflowers – mostly phlox, honeysuckle and a handful of oxeye daisies to carry over to his gravesite. A deep sense of sorrow and regret filled her as she walked up to the gate and unlatched the lock to enter into the Dodge City Cemetery. It took her some time to find his grave but when she finally happened upon it, a breath hitched into her throat and her eyes began to tear. She kneeled down and carefully tucked her muslin skirt behind her as she sat on her knees. "Doc," she began to speak as if he really could hear and she couldn't help but sob when she carefully placed the flowers at the base of his headstone. "I've really made a mess of things. And to make things worse, you and I never got to say goodbye. Oh Curly, how I miss you so," she lamented. "I'm sorry for the way things ended up, real sorry. You were always like a father to me, and I wish you were here to tell me how I can make things right." She figured that it wouldn't hurt to tell Doc about her troubles. "You see, I came back not only to visit you but also try to make things right with Matt but…" she looked down at the ground and her voice choked as the pain of her unfortunate situation became all too real. "I think it's too late. He's found someone else and it's no one's fault but my own. I don't know why I keep pushing him away, Doc," she became a blubbering mess as she continued her grief-stricken confession. "I guess it's because I'm afraid to face the past. To finally answer what I've done. And then there's the glaring issue that he's still got that stupid badge." her words began to trail as she became lost in thought. "I just don't know what to do. Do I go back to New Orleans and back to my comfortable life, or do I stay here and fight for the one person that means more to me than anything else in the world? Curly, if only you were here to guide me." And suddenly from no where, a small gust of wind came and started to blow some of the leaves around and she looked up to the sky to see if there was a change in the weather that would make her need to go look for cover only to find there not a cloud in the sky. She looked back at the gravestone and decided to play off the strange event as she closed her eyes. A sense of peace washed over her as her thoughts went back to more happier times.

Matt had been searching for Kitty all over town after Festus came to him and told him that he'd run into Kitty as she was leaving the Long Branch and she looked very distraught. He mounted up on Buck in case he couldn't find her and needed to look outside of town but decided to check one last place after one of the townspeople told him that they saw her picking some wildflowers out on the edge of town. When he rode up to the cemetery and saw someone towards the back, he dismounted and entered the gates. She was too lost in her own thoughts to hear him walking up. "Kitty?" he called out to her as he walked over to where she was sitting. She jumped up as fast as she could after being startled until she realized who it was calling her name. "Oh Matt, it's just so unfair. I wish he were still here with us." She leaned into him and cried into his chest as he wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back. She pulled away from him and looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. "Matt, I'm so sorry for how I treated you. I was just so mad at you for going right back to work as soon as you felt okay to get out of bed. When Doc told me that your arm…," she reached up and caressed his arm lovingly, "was hurt so badly, I didn't know what to think. And when I saw how slow you were with your left hand on the draw, I just couldn't bear the thought of someone coming to town just to challenge you. Those outlaws," she sniffled and inhaled deeply, "Well, they just see you as Marshal Dillon the lawman. But I see Matt Dillon the man and well.." she sniffled again, "You might not have meant anything to them because they were just looking to make a name for themselves but, you're life meant something to me." Matt just pulled her back against him and hugged her tightly. "It's going to be okay Kit. I promise to start taking your feelings more into consideration." Kitty returned the hug and then pulled away to look up at him. "Oh Matt, after what I've done, how can we ever be the same?"

"Kit, I don't have all the answers, but all I know is that I'd like to try." They both stood there by Doc's grave and hugged each other tightly. The strange wind came back again and this time, Kitty was sure that it was a sign from Doc. After a few minutes, he pulled away from her. "What do you say we go get some lunch, huh?" Kitty had looked over and noticed that he rode up on Buck. "Well, I walked over here and I see you brought Buck." Matt smiled at her. "And? He can carry the both of us." Kitty immediately dismissed the thought. "Matt, I'm not exactly dressed to ride…" He shook his head and took her hand. "Come on. I'm not asking you to ride across the prairie with me, only back to town. It'll be fine," and he led her over to where Buck was tied up. She grabbed a bunch of her skirt in each hand as he placed his hands on her hips and lifted her up high enough for her to swing a leg around Buck and perch herself behind Matt's saddle. It amazed her that even at his age, Matt was still just as strong as he ever was. That was only one of his many attributes that appealed to her. He made sure that she was on all the way before mounting himself and taking hold of the reins. She wrapped her arms around his waist to hold on and Matt gave a tap to Buck's sides and together they took off back toward town. She couldn't help but smile from ear to ear at the closeness of them and the feel of the wind blowing through her hair. It reminded her of how they use to go riding their horses out on the prairie when they were younger. She'd have to make it a point to go riding with Matt more often. None of the townspeople thought any different of them as they watched them ride by – in fact, they seemed to smile happily to themselves when they spotted the pair for they assumed that things were starting to get back to the way they were meant to be. Most of them, that is. Caroline was sweeping the boardwalk in front of her shop when she saw the pair canter by. She rolled her eyes and threw down her broom before walking back inside. "That's just perfect. Not only is she a saloon girl," she thought to herself, " She doesn't even ride sidesaddle like a real lady."

The pair pulled up in front of Delmonicos and Matt dismounted. He then lifted Kitty up and off Buck and she dusted off her skirt and patted it back down into place. Once she was satisfied, they walked in and shared a nice lunch together. They were only halfway done eating when Festus came walking in. "There ya are, Matthew," he said as he walked over to their table. "Mizz Kitty," he tipped his hat to her in greeting. "I've been lookin' all over fer ya, Matthew. Those Briggs boys have been stealing apples from the general store again and I was a figurin' ya might ride out to their place with me an' have a word with their ma and pa before they pick the place clean." Matt groaned as he looked over to Kitty. "I'm sorry, Kit." She could only chuckle at their misfortune that reminded her of the old days when Chester seemed to always interrupt them. "I think I'm going to finish my meal though. You two go ahead," she smiled at the pair. Matt handed her a coin to pay for their meals when she was finished. "I'll see ya later, Kitty." And Matt and Festus headed off to ride out to the Briggs farm.

Kitty finished her lunch, left the coin on the table and was heading home when someone grabbed her by the arm and pulled her around the corner of a building before she even had a chance to see who it was. "Hey, what's the meaning of this?" she looked at the woman. "I don't know who you think you are," Caroline sneered. Kitty rolled her eyes. "Look here, I don't know what you want but don't take too kindly to being snatched on. You need to leave me alone," and she attempted to walk off before Caroline grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back. "I said, leave me alone," Kitty demanded. "What is it that you even want?" Kitty asked as she jerked her arm away. "I want you to go on back to wherever it is that you came from. Things were just fine for me before you came here." Kitty gave Caroline a deadly glare. "I don't know what gives you the nerve to think that you're able to run me out of town. I was here a lot longer before you and by the looks of it, I'll be here a lot longer after you because this town doesn't look to be big enough for the both of us." Caroline rolled her eyes at Kitty's retort. "I don't know why that sorry ass lawman would be caught in a saloon with a floozy instead of being with a woman like.." She was interrupted by the sharp sting of a swift slap to her cheek. "Sorry ass lawman? That's Marshal Dillon to you. Put some respect on his name." Kitty narrowed her eyes at Caroline. "And let me tell you something else too, missy. I'm more of a woman than you'll ever be." She then turned around and walked off, leaving Caroline standing there as she rubbed her cheek.

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Much later that night sometime after midnight, Kitty tossed and turned as she fitfully tried to get some sleep. Everything that transpired since she arrived into town seemed to flood her brain and once and left her brain seemingly unable to shut off. She finally gave up on finding sleep as she laid on her back and stared up at the ceiling as her mind wandered back to a conversation she had with Doc a very long ago in the Long Branch when Matt had been kidnapped and taken for ransom by a group of men looking to insure their safe passage through the Mexican border.

"I laid awake all last night, trying to imagine what Dodge would be like without Matt. What I'd be without him, and I just couldn't. I couldn't even imagine. And then all of the sudden, I couldn't even remember what Matt looked like. I couldn't even remember his face. Doc, I couldn't even.."

Doc interrupted her. "Now you just hold it right there. I'm going to tell you something. I've lived quite a bit longer than you have, Kitty, and I know something to be true. If you think something hard enough and strong enough, you'd be amazed that awful a lot of times it turns out just way you think it will and the way it ought to."

(S11E12, The Hostage)

Deciding that it was useless to keep trying to fall asleep, she grabbed one of her night robes and tied the sash tight with all her might and threw on a pair of shoes before setting out towards the jailhouse. Luckily there wasn't anyone out and about at that hour but even still, she stayed out of sight as much as she possibly could to avoid being caught in her nightclothes. When she reached the jail, she stayed around the corner until she made sure there wasn't anyone within eyesight. She stepped around the corner and up unto the boardwalk quietly as she knocked as softly as possible while calling out in a hushed tone. "Marshal Dillon?" She called out, thinking maybe using his title would get his attention enough to wake him from his sleep over calling out his given name. No response. She knocked a couple more times. "Marshal Dillon?" Again, no response. "Matt, are you in there?" She was just about to give up when the door opened and there stood Matt in only a pair of pants and boots. "Kitty?" He was alarmed to see her outside the door at this time of night and was sure that it must've been an emergency seeing her state of dress. "Are you okay?" And without saying a word, she sidestepped him and walked inside. Matt stood there momentarily confused before shutting the door and locking it behind him. He went and lit an oil lamp to afford them a little light. He checked to make sure the curtains were still drawn as shut as they possibly could before turning back to her. "What's wrong, Kitty?"

She took a deep breath before speaking. "Cowboy.." She wasn't sure that she was still allowed to use that term of endearment for him but there was no turning back now. "I….I'm sorry, oh so sorry for the mess that I've put us in." She took a couple of steps towards him before looking up at him, her eyes boring a hole right through his soul. "You never deserved to be treated the way that I treated you. Can you ever forgive me?" His insides seemed to melt away at her tender confession and he pulled her into a tight hug. "Oh Kitty, I don't hold it against you. You mean the world to me," and he pulled away slightly so that he could look down into her eyes, the likes of which shone like the brightest sapphire against her firey red hair. Even after all these years, she was still the epitome of beauty to him and the very thought of her made his heart swell. "You're my everything, Kit, and I mean it."

She wanted so badly to believe him, but knew that he had taken up with another woman in her absence. "But what about…?" He put a lone finger up to her lips to silence her. "Shh. Like I told you before, Kit, we were just friends. At first there was something there, but I never could shake the thought of you and me.." He tucked a wayward curl behind her ear. "The thought of you. You were always on my mind,"

He went over to his desk and opened a drawer to pull out the photograph and then walked back over to her and handed her the photo. She took it from him and looked at it as the memories of the day came flooding back to her.. There they stood in their younger years, Kitty in front with her million watt smile with Matt stood behind her with his arms wound protectively around her waist because he never did trust any of those photographers that came to town. "I looked at that picture every night before I went to bed, Kitty," Matt confessed. "I tried to distract myself with someone else but at the end, it was always you."

"Oh, Matthew, I love you.." is all she could manage to say as her eyes welled with tears, hoping he would hear the deep sincerity in her voice with the use of his whole name. He returned the sentiment. "I love you too, Kathleen. I'm done choosing everyone and everything else. This time, I choose us. I've been giving it some thought and well, I'm not quite ready to retire just yet but when I am…," he reached down to lift her chin up so that he looked straight into her eyes. "I'd sure like it if you'd consider settling down with an used up ex-lawman."

"Oh Cowboy.." she pulled away so they she could catch her breath. "I could sure use a drink. Let's go over to the Long Branch and have a night cap up in our old room."

She pulled out a key that she had somehow tucked away. "All right then," he replied as he went to put on a shirt in record time, put on his gun belt purely out of habit, grabbed his hat and blew out the lamp as he opened the door and she stepped out. He locked the door behind her. Without warning, he walked up behind her and scooped her up and took off running across the street as fast as he possibly could in a mad dash for the Long Branch. She tried her best to remain quiet but let out a couple of surprised giggles as she thought back to the way they used to act in their younger years. When they reached the back steps, he set her down carefully and she marched up the steps just as fast she could and used her key to unlock the door.

She walked over to a decanter and a couple of glasses that she had laying out but Matt didn't care for a random nightcap. She let out a delighted squeal as he walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her and began to kiss the side of her neck. His hands wondered up to her sash and he gave a firm tug as her gown fell to the ground and his eyes widened with amazement when he realized that she wasn't wearing a darned thing underneath it. He turned her around and looked down at her and his eyes flamed with desire as she put her hands up on his chest and he reached over and lightly traced his finger above her breasts. He waited for her permission before just assuming that it was okay to touch her intimately. She let her hands wander over to his waist and she began to unbuckle his gun belt, almost surprised that he didn't bother to stop her. "Still to this day," he whispered in her ear in a lowered octave that sent a shiver up her spine, "You're the only one allowed to disarm me." His earnest confession drove her absolutely mad and in record speed, she took off his gun belt and tossed it into a nearby chair. Her hands made their way up to his chest as she began to unbutton his shirt before looking up at him again. "I want you to touch me, Matt." And that was all he needed to hear and he reached down and captured her lips in a searing kiss as he cupped her breasts. It took a considerable amount of emotional strength to stop kissing him long enough to continue on her task of removing him from his clothes but before they both knew it, they ended up in their old bed where they made the sweet, passionate love that was four years overdue.

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In the weeks and months since their blessed reunion, things has began to settle back into place. Matt was caught by absolute surprise when she informed him that Hannah had ended up needing to move to St. Louis to be closer to her doctors so not only had she bought back the Long Branch, but that she had hired someone to sell her interests in New Orleans. The news hit him like a ton of bricks. She really was here to stay.

Matt had a surprise of his own, though. Kitty could hardly believe it when he presented her with a letter that notified him that The War Department had accepted his resignation effective at the end of the year and so his retirement date was finally set in stone. She had no idea that he had even finally decided that the time was right. They were both none the happier and finally were able to think about what a future looked like for them without the weight of the badge. They had talked about buying a house just outside of town so that she could keep an eye on the Long Branch, but with just enough room for Matt to get some horses and start himself a small ranch. They could always upgrade later if it ended up taking off. He that long since decided that he would hire on Festus for some added help. In Matt's mind though, for the time being, there was only one thing left to do.

New Year's Eve that year was particularly mild – so much so that they were able to spread a blanket on the balcony of her room at the Long Branch and watch the fireworks that were being shot off over at the town celebration. Festus agreed to keep an eye on things for him at the party since Matt and Kitty decided to have their own private celebratory picnic before his final evening rounds. The next day, he would be officially retired so there was plenty to be thankful for that night.

Kitty was sat in Matt's lap watching the fireworks as she pulled a blanket up and snuggled in cozily against him. Somehow he managed to reach into his pocket without alerting her and then took her left hand into his own. "Kitty..?"

"Yes, Marshal?" she replied playfully as she sat up a little and turned her head to be able to look back at him, her face soft with content. "I know that I've made a lot of mistakes in the past and gotten a lot of things wrong but there's one thing I know to be true," and he lifted her hand up and she turned her head back so that she could see what he was doing. "You're my everything, Kitty Russell, and I want to spend forever with you. I know I'm about 15 or more years too late but…" he leaned into get closer to her as he whispered in her ear. Goosebumps began to run up and down her arms. "Kitty, will you marry me?"

She let out a small gasp and began to nod enthusiastically. "Yes, Matt.." she said as the tears began to well. "I will marry you," and she watched as he placed a small ruby ring set on a rose gold band upon her finger. She was absolutely beaming with pride as she brought her hand closer to inspect it. "Oh Cowboy," she gushed. "It's perfect, I absolutely love it."

And he placed a finger on her chin to gently turn her head as he bended down and placed a kiss upon her lips.

Hope sprang eternal that night as they watched the fireworks that finally signaled the beginning of their forever..

THE END

Author's note: I hope y'all enjoyed my latest story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you for all the kind reviews. Stay tuned for more adventures!