VI. Helpless to the Motion of Time
The first few months of my apprenticeship with Master Plo Koon passed by very quickly and my life changed drastically in the wake of leaving my clan behind. I was now living in an entirely different section of the temple, having moved into my master's quarters. Subsequently, I was forced to refamiliarize myself with sharing a living space―though Master Plo made for a much better living companion than a bunch of younglings.
I was also no longer allowed to take on heavy courseloads and had been limited to choosing only two electives. Being apprenticed to Master Plo meant that I spent a good portion of my time researching the present culture, law, and politics of various star systems, to be updated, compiled, and attached to the mission briefs provided for Jedi Knights the council sent out. That, coupled with meditation and lightsaber training, didn't leave a whole lot of room for much else.
And for a long while, I fell back into that lull of security I'd had before I'd met Anakin, as my life in the temple continued free of immediate concern. Of course, sooner or later, something had to give.
"Nova-Li, allow me to introduce you to Ahsoka Tano," Master Plo said, standing at the threshold of our quarters, a hand steady against the narrow shoulder of the tiny nine-year-old Togruta female. "Little 'Soka, this is my padawan, Nova-Li Deraan."
I smiled kindly, ignoring the sudden urge to flee the room. "Well met, Ahsoka."
"Well met, Nova-Li!" Ahsoka beamed at me, displaying a sharp set of canine teeth.
Due to the close relationship she would one day form with Anakin, I had long ago planned to avoid her. But since I had technically already built and burned that bridge with him, the point was probably mute now. Besides, I should've known that accepting Master Plo's offer of apprenticeship would make avoiding Ahsoka altogether impossible.
"Master Tera has always lauded you for being incredibly helpful with the younglings from your clan," Master Plo revealed. Master Tera bragging about me was certainly news. "I could think of no one better to help little 'Soka with her star systems astronomy coursework."
I gestured for Ahsoka to join me at the kitchen table where I sat. "Of course. Is now a good time?"
"Yep!" Ahsoka said, bouncing forward to sit in the chair next to me.
"I will leave you to it. Thank you, Nova-Li," Master Plo said, before making his exit, more than likely headed up to another council meeting. I had known that being a council member would keep him busy, but it wasn't until I began assisting him that I realized how insane it was to manage over ten-thousand Jedi Knights serving across the Galactic Republic, along with nearly as many padawan learners. It was no wonder council members rarely ever took on padawans of their own.
Ahsoka spilled her supplies across the table and I succinctly stacked my datapad and holobooks, pushing them to the side and out of the way.
"What's all that?" Ahsoka asked, curiously eyeing my course materials.
"That's for my droidspeak course."
"Oh! I took Togruti last course cycle," she cheerfully informed me as she powered on her datapad, small legs swinging. "I remembered a lot from when I was little so it was actually really easy."
"You came to the temple when you were older?" I asked, pretending as though she were any other youngling.
"Yep! Master Plo is the one who brought me to the temple. I was already three when he found me," she explained while her coursework loaded on the screen. "What about you?"
I smiled wryly. "I think I was only a few months old, so I only know the temple as my home." Of course, that didn't account for the remembrance of a previous life.
"I don't really recall much from before the temple," Ahsoka admitted with a shrug and pushed her datapad closer to me. "Can you help me with this?"
"Let's take a look." I did not ask her why she was not seeking help from one of her clanmates or even her Clan Master. If Master Plo had gone as far as to get involved, then I could only imagine that the circumstances were serious.
Fortunately, tutoring Ahsoka turned out to be easier than I'd expected. She was very bright for her age, and I only really needed to nudge her in the right direction or clarify concepts she was already familiar with. Introduction to Star Systems was not an especially hard course, but it did require extensive reading. For someone as energetic as Ahsoka, I imagined that that was hardly engaging.
After I finished helping her draft the beginnings of an essay, I told her, "You should be able to complete the rest without my help, but if you want me to review your final piece before you submit it, feel free to drop by."
"Ugh. Okay," Ahsoka said reluctantly, staring down at her incomplete work with a dejected look. "This was a lot more work than I thought. Thanks for your help, Nova-Li."
"You're welcome. Why don't you start heading over to the refectory?" I suggested while reaching over to shut off the holoprojector currently displaying a binary star system. "It's about time for second meal."
"Right," she said with a glance to the chronometer, though she didn't sound especially enthusiastic. "...Would you like to join me?"
"Oh, uh, sure. I supposed I should eat as well," I sighed, resigned to the fact that I wouldn't be finishing up my own coursework for a few more hours yet. "Let's get going then."
Ahsoka jumped up with a cheer and gathered her materials in one arm. "Do you mind if we stop by my dorm room so I can drop all this off?"
"Not at all," I said as we exited the apartment. "Lead the way."
The entire walk, Ahsoka chatted my ear off, practically skipping at my side. "You know," she said at one point, "I was there during your tournament. You were so cool when you fought against that Mon Calamari boy!"
I smiled. "You remember that?"
"Yes!" she said, waving her free arm sporadically in some bastardized motion of a lightsaber swing. "He was all like―schvrmmm, schvrmmm. And then you did that double flip-twist right over it! You nearly had him! Master Cin shouldn't have called the fight so soon."
I laughed. "I don't necessarily know if I had him, but Nahdar did say he wanted a rematch one day."
"Can I watch?" Ahsoka looked up to me with a toothy grin. "Please? Please?"
"Certainly," I said. "Assuming we're all planetside whenever the day comes. We're pretty busy as padawans so we don't get a lot of leisure time."
"When I'm padawan, I'm going to go on all the missions!" she decided with all the conviction of a guileless youngling.
"I'm sure you will," I said, knowing far too intimately where her future would lead. "Now, which is your room?"
Ahsoka came to a sudden halt and looked around the corridor of the Initiate Dorms. "Oh, um, we already passed it actually. It's this way."
I arched an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. Fortunately, we were only forced to backtrack a few doors before we reached her chambers. Once she dropped off her stuff, we resumed our journey down a different corridor.
"Which clan are you a member of?" I asked Ahsoka.
"Clawmouse Clan, under Master Zang," she said as we reached the arched entrance of the refectory.
"I think I remember a few of their members. Where do you typically sit?"
Ahsoka didn't immediately answer and so, we went to pick up our meal trays and filled them to our liking. I was debating between an Arayakyak tart and a puffcake when Ahsoka admitted, "I don't want to sit with my clan today."
I turned to her with a frown, dessert forgotten. "Did something happen?"
Ahsoka smiled sheepishly. "I got into a fight with one of my clanmates this morning and Master Zang pulled me out of classes for the day. Thankfully, Master Plo happened to come by and check on me before I was punished," she confessed.
"Ah. You were very lucky then," I said. "Come on, I see an empty table over there."
Ahsoka's relief was evident as I lead the way. And for the first time in months, I sat down to eat a meal in the refectory of the Initiate Hall.
"Nova-Li!"
I looked up, shocked to see the majority of Wolf Clan suddenly converging around our table, trays crammed around the limited space as they clammored to join us. Simultaneously, I was hit with an onslaught of eager questions, none of which I was able to parse through, while a now four-year-old Lina clambered onto my lap, Caleb not far behind her.
"All of you need to quiet down," I finally said, shooting each of them a stern look and adjusting Lina into a more comfortable position while keeping Caleb sitting on the bench at my side. "If you have questions, you have to ask one at a time."
Ezak, now the most senior member of Wolf Clan at nine standard, was the one to speak first, "Nova-Li, what's it like being a padawan? You told us you would visit us but we haven't seen you in forever!"
"Barriss hasn't visited us either," Trilla assured me.
"We miss you," Mox added with a pout.
"He means he misses game time," Kalifa deadpanned.
I laughed, fondness sweeping my chest. "I'm sure you are all perfectly capable of having game time without me."
"It's not the same. Plus, Master Tera doesn't trust Ezak to supervise us like he did with you," Lartan complained.
Unfortunately for them, I was in perfect agreement with Master Tera. Leaving a nine-year-old in charge of the whole clan would hardly be wise. And I had proven I was capable long before I had been allowed the privilege of overseeing them.
"Regardless, I'm glad to see you are all doing well," I said, offering each of them a warm smile. "Now, do you all know Ahsoka here?"
Ahsoka grinned and waved while Ezak said, "Yeah! You're Clawmouse, right?"
"That's me," was Ahsoka's confident response.
"Is it true you hacked off a kid's ear this morning?" Sammo asked rather tactlessly.
"An ear? I thought she cut off someone's lekku," Tai said, equally as tactless.
Sammo clutched at his own blue lekku, eyeing Ahsoka with alarm.
Ahsoka scowled. "I did not!"
"I was there," Ezak said, shooting the younger ones a hard look. "There was no limb-chopping of any kind."
Sammo released a breath and enthusiastically returned to his food.
"Now," I interrupted, "what is it you guys wanted to know about my time as a padawan?"
Fortunately, the change in subject worked like a charm.
"How many missions have you been on?"
"Have you met any princesses?"
"Do you really get your own starship?"
Patiently, I answered each of their questions, no matter how ridiculous, while helping Lina work through her meal. Even Ahsoka occasionally chimed in, apparently now as comfortable as anyone from my clan in asking me personal questions.
When the time came for them to leave, they all clammored once again, demanding that I return soon.
"I will try my best," I told them, "but as you now know, I am quite busy. In the meantime, I expect you will all follow Ezak's example and behave for Master Tera?"
"Yes, Nova-Li," came the various answers, some more petulant than others.
"Good," I said. "Now, get going. Midday meditation will commence soon."
"Nova-Li," Ahsoka whispered, while the rest filed off to bus their trays, "will you still help me with my essay?"
"I already said I would," I reminded her kindly. "I'll see you soon. Go on."
"Okay!" Ahsoka cheered, jumping up and following after the others.
Finally free of younglings, I quickly finished my own meal, before dropping off my tray and beginning the trek back towards my quarters.
A heavy feeling settled in my chest as I walked away from the Initiate Hall. Because I wasn't actually sure I could keep my promise to them. Despite my love for my clan, I had never planned to continue our relationship outside of my allotted time with them, but I supposed that had been arrogant of me―to think I could help raise them and then, simply have them forget me.
And with Ahsoka now in the picture, I doubted I would be able to keep up my self-imposed isolation for very long.
Back inside my quarters, I postponed my coursework yet again in favor of wandering out into the apartment balcony. I moved to kneel atop one of two meditation hassocks and breathed deeply, allowing my eyes to flutter shut. A rushing breeze filled my ears, carrying with it the faraway sounds of starships breaking and entering atmo, the ceaseless rumbling of midday air traffic, and the distant clamor of a city planet that never slept.
Gradually, I sunk further into my meditation, reaching out for that familiar energy that was in all things, was all things.
And then, the Force met me at the place of my grief, localizing sharply around me, drawing from me every turbulent emotion I pushed its way―the pain of knowing the gruesome future that awaited every child of the temple, whether by Anakin's blade, or by the blaster of a clone trooper; the heartache of facing them everyday and knowing I could say nothing, because to the masters, attempting to control the future was of the dark side; and the despair of knowing I was only one person, hardly capable of preventing all that would befall us.
"There is no death, there is the Force," I echoed, voice hollow to my own ears. I opened my eyes, blinking away tears and gazing blearily out into blue skies, interspersed with shining towers and dotted with airspeeders. It was an old assurance, one that had been offered to me by Master Tera when I had suffered nightmares as a small youngling, because he hadn't understood; the Jedi would not face mere death, but a genocide.
At last, I allowed peace to settle in my heart, letting it consume the last vestiges of my sorrow. Despite all I knew, I would not let my fear control me. To allow the Dark to consume me would be a fate worse than death.
I lingered in the gentle embrace of the Light, soaking it up, finding tranquility and a measure of hope that had no rhyme or reason, but the mere expectation that all would be as the Force willed it.
It was a little later, when I was finished with my assigned readings for the day, that Master Plo finally returned to our chambers, his own stack of holobooks and datapad balanced in his arms.
"You're just now getting back from a council meeting, Master?" I asked as I went and returned my study materials to my bedroom.
"Yes. I was going to have you do some research to update our records on Artesia. It's been a few decades since a Jedi was last deployed on a mission there."
"Sure. I'll head to the Archives first thing tomorrow," I called.
"Thank you, Nova-Li. You are indeed a great help," Master Plo said, his relief tangible. "How did tutoring with little 'Soka go?"
"Perfectly fine. She's smart and didn't need that much help," I admitted, returning back to the main room and collapsing on the couch beside him. "Though I did hear some strange rumors. Was it a youngling's ear or a lekku that she sliced off?"
Master Plo huffed a dry laugh. "Nothing nearly so dramatic, I assure you."
"Hm," I hummed, though I didn't pry for further details. Instead, I began, "So, Master…"
"Yes, Padawan?"
"I was wondering, you know, now that I'm older and wiser, if I could leave the temple for just a bit…?"
"Did you already forget what happened the last time you took a jaunt through Galactic City?"
"It won't happen again! I'll stay topside this time," I assured him, "maybe walk around Monument Plaza or visit one of the museums."
"Not the Skydome Botanical Gardens?" he deadpanned.
I laughed at the unexpected reminder. "No, no, I don't think so."
That field trip had been the last time I'd been in the city, over a cycle ago, and I was itching to get out. I had hoped that if I was on my best behavior during the beginning stages of my apprenticeship with Master Plo, that he would eventually grant me the privilege of some independence. I was twelve (almost thirteen) and I had spent years cultivating an image of a responsible youngling. It was why I wasn't caught the first time I snuck out of the temple, nor heavily questioned when I fessed up to losing my first lightsaber; and why I was not more heavily punished for putting myself and Anakin in danger the second time I'd slipped away. It was easier to get away with things when adults trusted you.
"Very well," Master Plo finally relented. "But I want you back on temple grounds before nightfall. And you must keep your comlink on you at all times."
"Yes! Thank you, Master!" I cheered, leaning over to throw my arms around him.
He patted my head affectionately. "Go on, then. You only have a few hours of daylight left."
"Okay, thank you, bye!" I called as I dashed out of our apartment, before he could change his mind.
I practically skipped down the wide temple corridors, vibrating with anticipation.
And when I reached the main entrance, I confidently marched straight past the sentries, my long padawan braid on clear display, denoting my status. As expected, none stopped me in my journey to leave the temple grounds, and I went ahead and activated my wrist comm with a tap as I traipsed down the stairways, loading the frequency for an air taxi service I had pre-saved in anticipation of this. I hailed the nearest cab and within minutes, was boarding the backseat of a standard speeder, piloted by a droid.
"Where to, Miss?"
I didn't answer immediately as I tried to figure out how to respond. In reality, I hadn't expected to get this far, and now that I was here, I was practically free to go wherever I wanted. But after some more thought, I decided to honor the promise I had made to Master Plo. "Monument Plaza, please."
"A splendid choice!" the taxi droid exclaimed in his tinny voice.
He continued to make small talk throughout the ride, suggesting some of the favorite tourist attractions around the square, while my eyes tracked every passing speeder and glittering tower. But the plaza was within the same district as the Jedi Temple, so it was not a long ride and I was soon dropped off down at the edge of Level 5216. A quick holographic projection of my shared funds account with Master Plo from my wrist comm took care of the fare, and the droid flew off with a polite farewell.
With an eager gait, I darted forward, taking one of the many paths that lead into the colossal square. Even under the artificial afternoon sunlight, the neon lights and holoprojections glowed in a mesmerizing rainbow of colors, advertising a sprawl of various shops, restaurants, and kiosks. Standing inside the plaza was like standing at the epicenter of a deep, manufactured valley, looming spires of durasteel rising from every side, interspersed with steady air traffic. It was difficult to keep my eyes on one spot, the overwhelming sights continuously attracting my gaze. I was only a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to see all the lights shimmering against the night sky.
I spent a good amount of time roaming the area, window shopping and simply soaking up the lights, voices, and music, combined with the Living Force of so many sentients. The excitement was contagious, an antithesis to the calm and peace of the temple.
Eventually though, I chose The Tra'cor Zone as my destination. The arcade was bursting with activity, and I happily watched the colorful array of hologames being played by children not much older than I. It wasn't long before I was joining in, competing against a bunch of other kids and winning due to my quicker-than-average reflexes.
Ultimately, I gave away any holochits I'd won, not especially interested in trading them in for the prizes on display. Instead, I joined the queue for the food bar, eyeing the shakes in particular.
"Which is the blue one?" I asked when I reached the cashier, gesturing towards one of the featured pictures on the holomenu.
"That's the Shian Shake," the worker said.
I didn't know what that was, but, "I'll take one of those please."
Soon, I wandered out of the arcade, drink in hand, and took my first sip―
―I was on Trandosha again, the sound of waves crashing and blaster fire echoing in my ears, nostrils flooded with the scent of charred vegetation mingling with a cool, salty breeze.
"Hey, outta the way!"
I stumbled to the side of the pathway, where I'd unintentionally blocked the foot traffic, and stared at my drink in hand with a dismal expression, recognizing the color―a familiar shade of water-mango blue.
Anakin and I had not been friends for very long, but the reality was, he had been my only friend. And now, almost a standard cycle had passed since I had last seen or spoken to him.
I'd always been so careful to keep everyone at arm's length, knowing I could not withstand the heartache of seeing anyone I called a friend perish. But Anakin was different; he would not die, he would simply cause a different kind of heartache. And I wondered what that said about me, that I would rather a friend betray me, than be forced to watch them lose their life. It exposed a part of me that was deeply selfish.
I chose not to dwell on that.
Instead, I resumed my walk, wiping away the tears staining my cheeks as I took small sips of my shake, eventually hailing an air taxi to fly me back up to the Jedi Temple. I arrived just as daylight was fading, a wash of crimson refracting against towers of lustrous transparisteel.
I was walking back along the Processional Way when I became aware of a familiar presence in the Force, brighter than I remembered, but similarly agitated. It wasn't until I was climbing the grand stairway of the temple that I caught sight of someone, nearly hidden under the shadow of a colossal temple statue. And at the next crest of the stairway, I came upon Anakin, furious and looking straight at me.
A/N: I have finals coming up, so I won't be updating again soon. But I hope you all enjoyed the chapter! :3
