Summary:

The hardest part of moving forward is not looking back. Misaki had heard that once after…it happened. He decided it was true, but he couldn't stop looking back. Back to Usagi who'd ended things two years before. Back to the horrific night in the stairwell. Back to every bad choice he'd made the last two years. He was trying to look forward. That's why he took the job offer that would lead him back home. That's why he agreed to the arranged marriage. However, looking forward doesn't stop the past from pulling you back, making it seem impossible to grasp your future. Except, what if part of your past was your future? Running into Usagi wasn't something he wanted, but maybe it was just what he needed. After all, Misaki really needed someone to catch him or he'd fall.

A/N: This story contains triggers and may not be for everyone. Please proceed with caution. Thank you and Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.

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Chapter One

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As he walked down the familiar street, he could help but feel how strange it was. Everything was as it always been. The flow of traffic, the sounds of daily life that drifted from house windows. The street lamps were all in the same place, and even the street lamp by the last house on this street was still burnt out. The familiar smells reminded him of a time he was younger and carefree.

No, it wasn't this neighborhood he'd lived in as a child that changed. It was him. He was no longer the same person he'd been as a kid, nor was he even the same person he'd been just a couple years ago. He was older now. A working man with rent and bills to pay, and soon, he'd have a family to support.

Perhaps that's why he was here, walking the streets of his childhood. He thought about the events that lead to this moment. The promises he'd made and the heartbreaking reasons he made them. It was never his intention to marry for any reason other than love, but since he couldn't be with the person he loved, he figured why not?

It had all started soon after he returned here after moving a few cities over. Almost two years ago now, he had fled this city and everything he'd know because if he hadn't, he would have suffocated. He couldn't handle knowing that he might run into Usagi at any turn. Not after….

No. He couldn't risk that. Not when his heart was shattered into a million sharp pieces that he couldn't seem to get back together. He felt like he'd cut himself to shreds if he tried. Besides, why would it matter? It wouldn't change the fact of things. They were still apart, and like some kind of pathetic puppy, he was still pining.

So he'd fled, and a month ago he'd returned home due to a great job opportunity that he couldn't pass up. Besides, he was an adult now and he decided he could handle things as such. Maybe it was a lie, but he figured he would fake it until he makes it.

Not too long after his return, he was having dinner with his brother's family and they begged him for his help. Apparently, her family are all really old fashioned and her cousin was unwed and in the family way. If this were to be found out, they would outcast the poor girl and she'd be denied any aid. They asked if he'd had anyone special in his life and when he'd said no, they asked if he would marry her.

He'd been surprised by this request, and after thinking on it, he couldn't come up with a good reason why to deny it. People always asked him when he was going to settle down, When he said he never thought he would, they would either laugh and tell him in time it will happen or look at him as if they suspected him of being gay. Or maybe he felt that way because he was. Not that he had plans of ever saying anything.

Besides, it didn't much matter whether he was gay or straight, or otherwise, the fact was, he only had eyes for one person and he couldn't have him. So really, why not help a poor girl out? At least he wouldn't come home to an empty house. He wouldn't be left alone with the crippling thoughts that seemed to pull him into darkness.

As the sky darkened he decided it was time to head back to his apartment. It wasn't as nice as his brother's place, but it was a step up from where he'd been staying. And this time he didn't have a roommate, because that turned into a disaster.

He'd liked Hiroto and they had a lot in common. Both were editors and both had come from humble backgrounds. They never fought and whenever they spent time together they had a good time. He knew how to cook and cleaned up after himself. Another thing they had in common? They were both into each other.

Once this was made obvious, they tried to have a relationship. They even went on a few dates. He actually thought he might be able to let Usagi go. That maybe he could move on. However, it was a false hope. Kissing Hiroto made him feel guilty and the one time they tried to have sex, he'd completely panicked.

As he boarded the train, his thought's shifted to that dark stairwell where his life changed forever. He could remember the smell of piss and beer. He could remember putting his hand in something sticky as he'd been forced against the wall before behind forced to his knees.

His breathing became erratic as he sat, trying to shake the memory from his mind. No. No, he wasn't going there. Never again would he find himself there. Ever.

He looked around, grounding himself in his surroundings. He was safe here. No dark staircases to be found. He was fine. Just fine.

Once off the train, he made slow work of getting home. The weather was nice, so he took the long way home, taking in the sights and sounds of the city.

He stopped at a book store that was on the way to his apartment to pick up a few books a friend recommended. Plus, he believed the Manga his old mentor edited should be on the shelves, and he'd been reading it for a while now, and actually looked forward to the next volumes.

He'd grown to like the smell of bookstores. Maybe it was strange, or maybe he was just around books too much, but the smell brought him a peace he rarely seemed to find these days. Added bonus? In this clean, brightly lit book store, the darkness of that stairwell seemed even further away.

After purchasing his books, he ordered a coffee with an extra shot of espresso at the café across the street and sat at one of the cutesy small tables. He'd read here some before continuing home.

He knew he was stalling. He didn't much like being alone. It gave him too much time to think about unpleasant things. He'd even entertained the idea of staying at his brother's for the night but thought it rude to ask. Besides, thought would his reasoning be? He was afraid to be alone? No, he couldn't tell his brother that. All it would do is make his brother ask questions he'd rather not answer.

He'd thought about getting a roommate, but that was before his impending marriage, besides, he lived in a tiny apartment. The roommate would have to share his room, and he wasn't okay with that.

"Misaki?"

The voice that spoke his name caused the sharp shattered parts of his heart to twist, making him want to scream. He could feel the flush wash over him as his heart pounded. He could pretend to not have heard him, but what would be the point? He would just call out to him again, and it wasn't like he was on the move. It would be odd for him to jump up and run away from this table.

Misaki turned his head slowly, not really wanting to see what his ears already told him. When his eyes landed on Usagi, he felt like his heart was going to explode. That face. That remarkable face looked like it always had. Those dark purple eyes studied him with surprise, and the slight smile at his lips nearly made him want to weep.

Misaki stood, facing him. He was even more godly then he'd remembered. "Usagi? I never expected to see you here," Misaki said, then had to clear his throat to make his voice come out clearer. "How are you?"

Usagi seemed as surprised as he was. Though he supposed Usagi would be more surprised. Had he even known he was back in town?

"Misaki," Usami repeated. After a few moments of silence he added, "How long have you been back in town?"

"Not long. A few weeks." Misaki replied, then looked down at the phone that buzzed in his hand. It was a message from his brother, but he took this as the perfect opportunity to get away. "I'm sorry, but it's work and I need to go."

"Do you need a ride? I'm park…"

"No, no. I'll be fine, thanks." He gathered his things as he spoke and all but ran for a cab. "Bye!" He called out before getting in. He gave the cabby his address and sunk down in his seat. God that was horrible. He nearly fell apart right there. He hated Usagi for that. Hated that one look from that man had him feeling like freaking putty.

Angrily, he wiped at the tear on his cheek. He wasn't angry at Usagi. No, he was angry at himself for being so weak. He was a man damn it! A man! He couldn't be with another man when it came down to it so that only proved that he liked women. Right? He ignored anything to suggest otherwise and felt guilty for denying who he was.

Yeah, he was a freaking mess. One minute he was okay with being gay, the next he pretended that he wasn't. However, he hoped that marring this woman would help him with this. After all, it would be his duty as a husband to bed her. He could do that. He was sure of it. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Ugh.


Usami couldn't believe his eyes when they spotted Misaki walking over to a table and sitting. He watched as he pulled out a book and began reading. He just stood there, heart trying to leap out of his chest to go to the person of his desires. Misaki, who he had let walk out of his life two years before, was just a few feet away from him.

Unable to stop himself, he walked over. "Misaki." He watched him tense, his whole body stiffening as he seemingly thought about what to do. Then, he stood, turning his eyes on him, stopping his heart. The moment those green eyes met his, he wanted to pull him to his chest and never let go.

"Usagi? I never expected to see you here. How are you?"

"Misaki," he said, realizing he was repeating himself. He was struck. Masaki had grown quite a bit these past two years. His voice was a bit deeper, and his face was less round now. The eyes that once looked at him with childlike enthusiasm seemed dulled and wiser. He looked far older then he'd expected two years would do to someone. "How long have you been back in town?"

Usami wanted to touch him so bad his fingers ached for contact. He looked Misaki over, trying to remember everything about the way he looked at this moment.

"Not long. A few weeks." Misaki replied as he looked down at the phone. "I'm sorry, but it's work and I need to go."

Absurdly, fear flooded him as he realized Misaki will be gone once more. "Do you need a ride? I'm park…" before he could finish, Misaki was rejecting the offer and gathering his books. He gave a quick, "Bye." before rushing away.

Usami watched him run away, taking everything in him not to run after him. This was for the best, after all. He'd let him go to keep him safe. His family wasn't going to stop until they drove him away, and he was unsure how far they'd be willing to go.

This was on his mind still once he arrived home. He walked into the empty apartment, noting it felt even more lonely tonight after seeing him. He recalled the night he'd told Misaki things needed to end. Misaki had been bringing dinner to the table and stopped dead in his tracks. Those round eyes had looked his way with a sad kind of confusion in them. That pained looked haunted him. He had thought for sure that as Misaki stood there, dinner still in his hands, and eyes watering, he was thinking of an argument as to why he should stay. But he'd simply put dinner on the table and told him to come and eat.

They ate silently, neither of them sure of what to say to the other. Misaki continued the silence as he cleaned up. After he'd finished the dishes, he wished Usagi a good night and went to bed.

Usami tossed and turned all that night. He was hoping that Misaki would fight. It wasn't that he was unsure breaking up with him was for the best. It was because he wanted to give in and allow him to stay. Because while he knew what was for the best, if Misaki asked to stay, he would cave and could pretend he at least did his best. So this silence had him sick and ready to go to Misaki's room just to hold him. To beg him to ask to stay.

The next morning he'd woken to Misaki packing. He'd said he thought about it all night and agreed that it was for the best. He looked so unhappy as he spoke the words, but Usami had to let him go.

Watching Misaki walk out his front door was the hardest thing he'd ever done. It was worse than watching Takahiro date and eventually marry. It was so much worse. It made him realize that the love he'd felt for Takahiro was nothing compared to the love he felt for Misaki. It wasn't even close.

Usami sat on the couch, wishing those memories would just leave him be. He didn't want to remember what he'd lost. What his family had made him give up. Not that he'd given his father what he wanted. Every week he would receive photos of potential brides and every week he threw them right into the trash.

He'd given Misaki up to keep him safe, but that was as far as he was going with his father's request. He would never marry, and while he's had others to warm his bed, they were nothing but a release. People he used, then kick to the curb.

His phone rang, and after letting it ring, the machine picked it up. Takahiro's voice filled the room as he left the message. "Hey, Usagi! So I'm having an anniversary party next week and we are really hoping you can make it. There's also some big news, so be there!"

Usami sighed as Takahiro left the day and time. He would be free so he would go even if he didn't feel like it. Just because Takahiro was no longer the object of his desire, he was still his best friend. So he would go and pray that if he ran int Misaki, he could keep his cool.

I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D