CHAPTER 9: Saint Of Me

2185 CE

'Yeah, you really can't beat embedded research into an alien society for broadening your horizons.' I agreed, nodding at the redhead handling the comms.

'You were kind of a hero to me as a kid. I had your poster on my wall as a kid.' Kelly Chambers admitted.

'My poster? What from?' I asked. I'd actually guest stared in a number of media properties. My favorite one was this action flick called Heaven's Edge. I played a Mad Scientist who turned Sharks into anthropomorphic minions as I tried to take over the Human's new colony world of Eden Prime. We shot on location in Hawaii. Best 3 months of vacation I ever had.

'Sesame Street.' Kelly admits, embarrassed.

'Oh! The one where Garibaldo is patting me on the head?' I realized.

Kelly nodded.

'That one was fun to film. The puppet is a little under two and a half meters, but the human puppeteer inside it is just under 2 meters. It works well when the puppet is interacting with humans under 2 meters, but with Krogan and taller humans it gets to be an issue. I took a picture with that Human Basketball player, Rock Johnson. He was around 2.3 meters. Just a little bit taller than I am. Sent that one to the Citadel Council. Had them pissing their britches. They all thought Humans were unstoppable killing machines even more physically fit than the Krogan! This was back on on Shanxi, of course. Helped get the Turians to the bargaining table real fast.'

'How do you become a xenoethnographer?' Kelly asked, fascinated.

Well, it didn't hurt to give an aspiring researcher some advice. 'You just sort of go and do it. I wouldn't recommend embedding yourself with the Batarians, or even some Krogan clans, but the Turians or Asari are pretty good picks for a Human. Maybe the Raloi too. I don't know much about them but being the first xenoethnographer embedded in a culture gives you a lot of prestige in the field.'

'Course, that's a lot easier as a Krogan. The species you're embedding in won't have any medical care for your species. They may not even have your kind of food. Hell, you Humans didn't even have non-military vehicles that could manage my weight. I wasn't allowed to use your elevators.' I added.

'There's a lot of culture shock. Just be aware of that.' I finished.

'Wow! That's amazing. You must have seen all sorts of things living as long as you have...' Kelly looked up at me with eyes that looked at least 20% wider than when we first started speaking. Was that something Humans could do normally? Make their eyes bigger? I'd seen it happen, but it could be an optical illusion from the muscles surrounding the eyes, and I don't actually remember which it was.

I should probably get around to researching that someday.

2185 CE

Jacob was a bit of a puzzle. On the one hand, he was a possible threat to Liara's happiness who didn't understand the virtues of forthrightness in breaking up with someone. On the other, he was a squadmate, which meant I had a duty to see to his safety and survival. Finally, he might be somewhat different than I remembered due to my little adventures in Human space.

I needed to understand him, and the basis of all learning was in asking questions.

'So, why did you join Cerberus? You don't seem like a megalomaniacal mad scientist like Miranda, but you joined before Shepard arrived, so it couldn't have been her charisma, either.' I asked.

'Cerberus gives me the freedom to act free of restrictions and rules. It lets me go after bigger problems facing Humanity, like the Collectors, without all the red tape.' Jacob replied as he worked on salvaging the Avenger I had managed to destroy.

Well, that wasn't exactly heartening. I'd already had more than enough arguments with Garrus on the first Normandy about the important of rules and procedure. If he found an ally in Jacob, he'd be less willing to consider the dangers of recruiting a bunch of Robins and training them in combat only to get them all killed.

'How did you even manage to do this, by the way? The Avenger is a pretty tough gun.' Jacob asked.

'Pretty tough isn't 'Krogan Tough'.' I quipped back paraphrasing one of the catchphrases I was associated with in Human space.

'Heh. Got me there, Professor. I heard from Zaeed why you went into weapons design. I'd hoped we were better than the Salarians on durability.' Jacob admitted.

'You are. On the sliding scale from tissue paper to 'Krogan tough' The Avenger was tough enough that I actually managed to take out the Batarian I pistol whipped with it. That's pretty tough. Salarian weapons land on the scale somewhere around flimsy.' I reply.

'You're not what I expected.' Jacob admitted, staring up at me.

'And what did you expect?' I asked.

'I don't know. I grew up seeing you on vids; talking about the wonders of science, giving your opinion on products... The great intellectual, Nakmor Krell; one of the most learned beings in the galaxy. Even after learning you designed weapons as a kid, I guess I sort of assumed you were a pacifist.' Jacob admitted.

I grin. 'You know, no one's ever actually asked me about that. They always just come up with their own explanations once the cognitive dissonance hits them. Do you want to know why your preconceptions were wrong?' I asked.

'Yeah, actually. I think I do.' Jacob decided.

'It's your idea of what a warrior is. Though, to be more specific, it's your culture's idea of what a warrior is.' I explained.

'What do you mean?' Jacob asked.

'Do you know the story of Alexander the Great?' I asked.

'Yeah, conquered most of the known world at the time, and then died at age 32. Right?' Jacob repeated.

'The story's more nuanced than that. But those are the pertinent facts. Would you call him a warrior?' I asked.

'Sure. He was a warlord, wasn't he? He conquered all that with his armies.' Jacob agreed.

'Alexander the Great had a tutor, Aristotle, a student of Socrates. Contemporary of Plato.' I revealed.

'A philosopher?' Jacob asked.

'Plato isn't even his real name. It was his nickname as a wrestler. It means 'broad.' probably for how big his shoulders were.' I explained with a grin.

'Huh. I guess I was kind of picturing a wizened old man, not a wrestler.' Jacob admitted.

'What you're experiencing, is cultural bias. The way you've been taught to think about what philosophers and warriors are implies to you that the two are mutually exclusive. Humans in this day and age hew closer to the Krogan, or Asari ideal of a warrior. Someone self sufficient who can triumph against any problem by strength of arms. Shepard is the ideal Human warrior. That's why she was chosen as a Spectre. Her leadership, her ruthlessness, her effectiveness; those are what the humans who put her forth for Spectre status prized in her.'

''I can see that. Shepard's a damn good soldier.' Jacob nodded.

'She's more than that. She's also the epitome of what Humans believe a Spectre should be.' I pointed out.

'What do Krogan think Spectres should be?' Jacob asked.

'Invincible. The ideal Krogan warrior never knows defeat. He is strong enough to enforce his will on others. He is ruthless, and honest. He overcomes all the problems in front of him with endless naked force. Cunning is certainly prized, but only in so far as it leads to the annihilation of a Krogan's foes.' I explain.

'And that's you?' Jacob asked.

'It used to be.' I admitted.

'Used to be? So what sort of warrior are you now then?' Jacob asked.

'A humble one.' I grin.

Jacob laughed at the joke. But I could see he was still curious.

'There's an apocryphal story, a quote I like. It was said to one of the emperors of China. The version I heard placed it as Emperor Gaozu. Emperor Gaozu was a warrior and he did not like philosophers. Now, some people don't like philosophers, but Gaozu really didn't like them. He had a habit of snatching the hats of any Confucian philosophers within arms reach and urinating into them.' I instructed.

Jacob made a face at that. I'm pretty sure it was disgust.

'Then, one day a philosopher came into his court and Emperor Gaozu asked them a question. 'Why should I pay attention to philosophers when I conquered China on horseback?' he asked. And the Confucian philosopher delivered an answer. 'Emperor, although you conquered your empire on horseback, you cannot rule it from that position.' Naked force has its place Jacob. It solves a lot of problems, but it also causes a lot of problems.' I admitted.

Jacob looked confused, more than enlightened, so I decided to elaborate.

'If you ever talk to Mordin, ask him about the heroes of the STG; the Silent Step, who defeated a nation with a single shot, or the Ever Alert, who kept armies at bay with hidden facts. The Salarians are masters of asymmetrical warfare, Jacob. A single Salarian can defeat a Turian army. A team of Salarians defeated the entire Krogan race during the Rebellions; even those of us who were not rebelling.' I recalled bitterly.

'Only a fool fails to learn from his mistakes once defeated, Jacob. We are never going to be a match for the Reapers in a straight up fight. We need to resort to asymmetrical warfare.' I pronounce.

'So you learned from the Salarians?' Jacob asked.

'Something like that.' I agreed.

'Huh.' Jacob nodded.

'Now, if you don't mind I'm off to fight the other never ending battle I'm engaged in. It's time to beat back my hunger.' I laughed, rubbing my belly.

'Alright then. I think I might just take you up on your suggestion. Mordin's a bit weird, but since we're gonna be working together, I might as well get to know him.' Jacob decided.

2185 CE

Lacking anything to do on the flight, I headed down to the drive core.

This time Gabby noticed me. 'Professor Krell! What brings you up to the engine room?' She asked, both excited and nervously. It's all in the way that Humans shift their weight from foot to foot. It's a tell. Their fight or flight response is kicking in.

'Just checking in. This drive core really is a thing of beauty.' I admitted.

'Aye, she's something special. But you must have seen a ton of drive cores before this, right?' Ken asked.

'I have. But there's always a sense of wonder when you see a new one. And this one's twice as large as the old Normandy's, yet it still manages to hide its heat. It really is quite remarkable.' I admitted.

'Aye, runs like a dream.' Ken replied.

'Only because of the engineers maintaining it.' I countered.

'Are you here to help us out with the maintenance?' Gabby asked excitedly.

'Do you need help? And remember, I can't exactly fit inside the crawlspace on a human ship.' I asked.

Gabby's face went red, then cycled through a half a dozen different expressions before settling on one that I'm pretty sure was chagrined. 'No, I guess we don't actually need your help. But I'm sure we could improve things if you weighed in!'

'That's a possibility. I'll tell you what. I'll come by every once in a while and share a story or two from the time I was an engineer. How about that?' I offer.

'Yes!' Gabby replied immediately. Before realizing just how abrupt that was.

'I mean... that would be great, Professor.' She corrected.

I smiled. 'Now, if you don't mind, I'm an old man, and I'd like to take a nap.'

I turned to leave.

'Can you believe that Kenneth! Real stories! From Professor Krell!' Gabby whispered excitedly to her best friend.

'Aye, but you know he can hear ye whispering?'

The door closed, and I smiled. A quick nap would be just the thing. And after that, maybe a visit to my fellow professor.

2185 CE

'WITH CAT LIKE TREAD! UPON MY PREY I STEAL!'

'IN SILENT DREAD! OUR CAUTIOUS WAY WE FEEL!'

'NO SOUND AT ALL! WE NEVER SPEAK A WORD!'

'A FLY'S FOOTFALL WOULD BE DISTINCTLY HEARD!'

"SO STEALTHILY THE PIRATE CREEPS WHILE ALL THE HOUSEHOLD SOUNDLY SLEEPS!'

'COME FRIENDS WHO PLOUGH THE SEA! TRUCE TO NAVIGATION! TAKE ANOTHER STATION! LET'S VARY PIRACY! WITH A LITTLE BURGLARY!'

'What the Hell is going on here!?' Shepard yells as the bursts through the door of the lab where Mordin and I are singing our spontaneous duet.

'Gilbert and Sullivan.' I reply nonchalantly as if I didn't have my arm around Mordin's shoulder a few moments earlier and we weren't mutually swaying to the tune while belting it our at the top of our lungs.

'That-- What?' Shepard asked, clearly not a fan of high human culture.

'Come Shepard! It's not even a version of the song adapted for wider release among the Council races! This is the old Human original!' I prompted.

'Human original what?' Shepard asked.

'No no no. This will not do. Will have to organize a movie night. Gilbert and Sullivan satirists in late 1800s. Brilliant writers. Snappy patter songs. Are you not familiar with them?' Mordin responded.

'I... What? You're singing Human musical numbers at the top of your lungs?' Shepard asked, trying to make sense of what was going on.

'Not numbers. Just this song. Entire song meant to be sung fortississimo. Very loudly. It is a song about stealth.' Mordin explained.

'So, you aren't killing each other then?' Shepard confirmed.

'I could never kill a Salarian with such excellent taste in music!' I protested.

Shepard blinked.

'Right then. Carry on as you were, but... quieter.'

'Shepard's reaction a stunning indictment of your singing.' Mordin spoke up after Shepard left.

'My singing? How do you know it wasn't your singing?' I replied.

'Because I sang on key.'

I nodded. After all, that was a fair point.

2185 CE

'Alright Krell, what's going on here this time? Also, aren't people going to be looking for you?'

'Nah. They know where I am. I've had it marked down in my calendar since the First Contact War. Whole year's reserved for 'Hijinks with Shepard,' see?' I explained, showing her my calendar.

'Raloi officially welcomed. James Vega chooses Collector Intel over Colonists on Fehl Prime. The Shepard revived by Cerberus Project Lazarus. Shepard recruits team including Urdnot Grunt and defeats the Collectors thereby delaying galactic extinction event by approximately six months. Corporate Coup on Garvug. First Contact with virtual aliens. Shadow Broker adventure. Andromeda leaves. Hijinks with Shepard.' Shepard dutifully reads off my calendar. 'What the fuck is this?'

'My calendar for the year. Those are the year long events. They all happen this year.' I replied.

'Delaying Galactic Extinction event by approximately 6 months?' Shepard verified.

'I'm actually not super sure on the cause and effect there. But I know that fighting the Collectors does something to the Reapers, and they end up not invading until 6 months after a specific event that happens next year. So I'm counting it.'

'6 months after an event next year?' Shepard asks. Honestly she seems rather preoccupied with it.

'Well, I guess it could be this year. You blow up a relay by driving an asteroid into it. Hackett will kick the whole thing off accidentally. Don't worry, you'll be fine.' I reassure her.

'I blow up a relay? But the energy released by that should be enough to wipe out an entire solar system!'

'Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what happens. But that's not something you need to worry about right now. Right now we're in the 'Hijinks with Shepard' part of the year.' I reassure her.

'Who is James Vega?' Shepard asks.

'An Alliance marine. You'll meet next year.' I explained.

'And who's Urdnot Grunt?' She asks.

'Tank-born. You pick him up going after Okeer. You help him join Clan Urdnot to secure his loyalty. Kid's got heart.'

'Right. The suicide mission. I pull this off?' Shepard asked, eager for reassurance.

'Honestly? That's up to you. But you're a lot more likely to succeed if you make sure that everyone you recruit is loyal to you and doesn't have any unfinished business holding them back. I could tell you how to do that, but in terms of securing people's loyalty you're honestly pretty good at that already. You could have gotten the entire crew of the Normandy to go AWOL just to help you if you needed it. You'll do fine.'

'Alright. Anything else you need to tell me?' Shepard asked.

'Other than don't trust the Illusive Man? Liara knows you're alive so you should probably check in with her on Illium. I made sure to get my profile in 'Badass Weekly' last year; and Cerberus fucked up with an experiment to control Geth on Aite.'

'Let me guess, the experiment broke free and killed all their scientists?'

'Not yet, I think. But probably soon. Same situation as that Terra Nova thing. Not sure on the exact dates. The Illusive Man will probably tell you about it once it becomes a priority. You'll wanna handle that.' I decided.

'Alright. You'll warn me if there's anything I need to know?'

'Probably. If I remember. Or if I know about it in the first place. I'm not omniscient.'

'No, you're just aware of the future to a startling degree of clarity and insist on downplaying how much you know at every turn.' Shepard snarks back.

'Touche. I'll give you a head's up. And Shepard? You might wanna get some automated defenses in the airlock and loading bay. The more robust the better.'

Shepard nodded. 'I'll see what I can do.'

2185 CE

It took a day for Garrus to get out of the Medbay.

'You know, next time you say something like 'Let's deal with these mercs before we eat a missile to the face' I'm not going to assume you're joking.' The newly handsomer Turian declared upon seeing me.

'I'm always joking, Garrus. Your mistake was assuming I wasn't also serious.' I reassured him.

'I'll have to put that in my notes for my memoirs. Nothing's deadlier than a Krogan's sense of humor.'

'Well, there's the Krogan themselves.' I critiqued.

'Right. Except for the rest of the Krogan. Foolish of me to forget that part.' Garrus joked.

'So how are you holding up?' I asked.

'Like I just took a rocket to the face. Tell me Krell, will I ever date again?'

'Absolutely. Those scars are definitely going to be a hit on the dating scene. and with a story like 'I took a rocket to the face and kept on shooting.' You'll be able to nail any Krogan you want, male or female.'

'Right. I was thinking more about the Turian dating scene. but I guess your answer tells me just how bad the scars are too.'

'Maybe you should focus on a race that doesn't put so much stock into appearances? A Quarian, perhaps?' I suggested, subtly.

'Smart folks the Quarians. Always remember to wear their helmets. Don't see them getting their mandibles shot off by rockets.' Garrus agreed.

'They don't have 'em in the first place. Look a lot like humans, actually.' I corrected.

'How do you-- Right. you pre-date the Morning War.' Garrus realized.

Garrus looked me over. 'You know, sometimes I forget just how old you are Krell, and then you say shit like that.'

I laughed. 'Anyway. I brought you a get well gift.' I declare pulling out a large Sniper rifle from where I placed the gift next to the door. It was unwrapped, but I had tied a bow on the barrel.

'What's this? I've never seen this gun before.'

'It's a Pathfinder Observer. Something they cooked up for the Andromeda Initiative. I had a lot of spare time in Alliance space trying to get Kaidan to pay me back for that shuttle he broke, so I spent some time helping them out with some weapon design.'

'Looks complicated. I've seen your work on the NK-47 before. You usually build rugged. Nothing this fancy.' Garrus observed.

'Different tools for different purposes. You need an infantry rifle to be robust, but a Sniper rifle is a precision tool. This thing records all the scope data, even beyond the visual spectrum. It's a scientific tool as much as a deadly weapon. Ideal for when you're fighting things you don't know the best way to kill yet. Also, it's made for less discerning races than the Krogan.' I replied.

'I can see how that could be useful when you're in another galaxy... Or fighting the Collectors.' Garrus agreed.

'Yep. The rifle's semi-automatic to help deal with shields and barriers. Fires six shots per thermal clip. You can link your laser monocle up to it and it'll feed data directly to you. Lets you calibrate the weapon's balance, recoil, and heat buildup more precisely.'

'It's a portable HUD, not a laser monocle, but thanks anyway. You really do know what to get a guy, don't you?' Garrus grinned.

'I knew the second I saw how much calibrating this thing needed to be useful that there was only one sentient in the galaxy who could really make it sing. And, well, like I said, You're a very handsome man. I couldn't help but be swayed by your beauty.' I grinned as I turned and left the Med bay. I wasn't serious, of course. I could never ruin Tali's love affair like that.

'Wait, what? Krell, you're joking right? I can tell that you're joking!'

I laughed, not verifying Garrus' suspicions one way or another.

I'm glad the guy mellowed out a bit on Omega, but he's still just as fun to tease.

Shepard said we'll be at the Citadel soon. For some reason Shepard decided not to take me on the shore team for that one.

2185 CE

My report to the Council was deliberately written in the style of Jane Goodall. An in-depth observation log written as if I were living in the wild studying a rare and unknown species.

'I crouched behind the barricade in the stuffy air of Omega and watched as the Human known as the Shepard biotically charged the airship filled with Asari-like rage, and upon blowing it up with her Shotgun, used the resulting propulsion from its detonation to regroup back inside the structure she had emerged from. This is, to my knowledge, the first documented evidence of human threat display behavior.'

I attached Alenko's report as an afterthought.

I'm sure the Council will get a kick out of it. And more importantly, it'll keep STG so focused on what has just happened that they won't be paying attention to what will happen. Well, that's the hope, anyway.

I've been very careful in my calendar appointments. I never mention Mordin, and I never mention the Genophage. It's important. I'm extremely open about what I know. It makes people assume that I tell them everything I know.

If I want to get the Genophage cure working despite Salarian interference, the deception is necessary. You can't trust the Salarians. Mordin's probably an exception, or at least, he will be one day. We haven't talked about his Genophage work. I think he's nervous. I don't know why; I told him that I have no plans to kill him. Perhaps he thinks his work is unknown to me?

Well, I can't tell him I knew about it beforehand. Can't even let on an inkling until after he confronts his sins.

It feels kind of shitty letting him sweat like this. On the other hand, as the man behind the revisions to the Genophage, Mordin absolutely deserves to sweat more than a little. So I don't feel too bad about it.

We're headed to the Citadel next. Hoping Kasumi's there. That should be a fun encounter.

Author's Note: So, a medium sized chapter clocking in a 4.2k on the dot. I think I've finally figured out what I'm going to do with Jacob thanks to all the suggestions in this thread. Not much actual plot happening here, but like I said, the characterization is the real focus of ME2 and there's plenty of that in here. I also ended up with a few more thoughts on Ken and Gabby. All and all, a good chapter, I think.