CHAPTER 20: When I, good friends, was call'd to the Bar

2185 CE

Investigating the crash of the Hugo Gernsback wasn't my idea of a good time. So when Shepard took Jacob and Grunt, I decided to make the most of my time and have a talk with Mordin.

'Behold the Krogan Executioner!

A personage of noble rank and title-

A dignified and potent officer,

Whose functions are particularly vital!

Defer, defer,

To the Krogan Executioner!'

Well, with an introduction like that from my Salarian comrade, how could I resist?

'Taken from Tuchankan Jail

By a set of curious chances;

Liberated then on bail,

On my own recognizances;

Climbed upon an Elcor trail,

As one sometimes thusly prances,

To a height that few can scale,

Save by long and weary dances;

surely, never had a male

Under such like circumstances

So adventurous a tale

Which may rank with most romances!'

Mordin stopped to stare as I burst into his lab, singing. But to his credit, he recovered extremely quickly.

'Taken from Tuchankan Jail'

'Taken from Tuchankan Jail'

'By a set of curious chances;'

'Liberated then on bail,'

'Surely, never had a male'

'Surely, never had a male'

'So adventurous a tale'

'So adventurous a tale'

'Defer, defer

To the Krogan Executioner!

Defer, defer

To the noble Krog--

To the noble Krogan Executioner!

Bow down, bow down

To the Krogan Executioner!

Defer, defer

To the noble, noble Krog--

To the (Kro)gan Executioner!' Mordin finished with Aplomb.

'Marvelous! Marvelous! You know the Mikado?'

'I was in a production while lecturing at the the City University of New York. The New York Gilbert and Sullivan Players. Just a few performances at a small theater at Hunter College, but the theater troupe was exceptional. They're over 200 years old now. I was part of their bicentennial.' I admitted.

'Who was on your little list?' Mordin asked, eagerly.

'Well... As someday it may happen that a victim must be found

I've got a little list; I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might well be underground,

And who never would be missed--they never would be missed!' I explained, in song.

'There's the Palavani nuisances who write for autographs

Asari who have flabby hands and irritating laughs--'

'All Krogan who who go crazy when you say 'The Genophage,'

But who all merc around in space and cannot act their age!

And Lawyers who all plagiarize the same cease and desist!

They'd none of them be missed, they'll none of them be missed!'

'You've got 'em on the list--You've got 'em on the list;

And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.' Mordin chimed in on the chorus.

'There's the Turian philosopher and others of his ilk

And the rogue geneticist, I've got him on the list

Salarian Dalatrasses who will wear only silk

They never would be missed--they never would be missed!'

'There's the Turian who praises in enthusiastic tone,

All centuries but this and every army but his own.

Batarians who take their slaves and lock them in a cage,

who all don't think that Krogans will attack them in a rage.

And the singular anomaly the Volus novelist--'

'I don't think they'd be missed--I've got them on the list!' I sang.

'You've got 'em on the list--You've got 'em on the list;

And I don't think they'd be missed--I'm sure they'd not be missed!' Mordin agreed.

'And that Salarian disturbance, who now is on the scene,

He's the model scientist! - dear Mordin's on the list!

All big brain fellows, knowledge men, whose minds are very keen--

They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed.'

Mordin clapped in glee at my addition.

'And all the Krogan mercenaries who say why they're so scarred,

Such as--What d'ye call him--Thing'em-bob, and likewise--disregard,

And tut--tut--tut--and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who--

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.

But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,

For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!' I belted out.

'You may put 'em on the list--you may put 'em on the list;

And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed!' Mordin finished the song, fondly.

'That was an excellent touch, adding in my name. Was it in the original?' Mordin asked.

'It was, actually. You had just played the Lord Major General Stanley as the 'Scientist Salarian' at Interspecies Community Theatre. It was a shout out by the director.' I admitted.

'Oh! Marvellous! I never knew! Will have to write letter thanking them.' Mordin decided.

He paused. 'What brings you here today?'

'You won't believe it was just to sing and be merry?' I asked.

'You are perhaps the longest lived Krogan in the Galaxy. You've been involved in Citadel politics for years. Personally witnessed at least 3 of your plans. Or possibly jokes--'

'I don't always make a distinction.' I admitted.

'Had hypothesized. But good to have confirmation. Believe you were here for singing. Don't believe that's all you were here for.' Mordin admitted.

I smiled. In a way Mordin was right. I wasn't just here for singing. I was here to make him reexamine his biases about the Krogan, to put him in a favorable mood through shared hobbies, and also to enjoy the works of Gilbert and Sullivan. All of which I had accomplished to some degree with a pair of songs. Still, wouldn't do to leave him suspicious and examining my motives.

'I wanted to talk with you about the Yahg.' I 'admitted.'

'Yahg. Species quarantined on their homeworld in 58 years ago after attacking Council contact teams. Why bring up now?' Mordin asked.

'Because I know that Salarians are attempting to covertly uplift both the Yahg and the Vorcha for use as deniable STG assets. This is a very bad idea, Mordin.' I explained.

I didn't actually need to talk to him about this. But it served several purposes. First, it gave him a valuable warning. But perhaps more importantly, it gave him a clue. Despite both our attempts not to bring it up, I'm pretty sure that Mordin realizes I know the future. Bits of it, anyway. Now Mordin knows that I know about the facility. Which means when he realizes that the fertile females are also going to be held in the same facility, he'll wonder when I know about the facility from.

I'm hoping he comes to the correct conclusion and assumes I know and care about his work on the Genophage cure. It's a reassurance I can't give him yet, since he hasn't decided to keep Maelon's data. But as a clue that he will only be able to decode in the future? I think he'll appreciate it on more than one level.

'How so?' Mordin asks, neither confirming nor denying the existence of such a facility.

'Yahg are just as smart as Salarians, just as vicious as Humans, and just as strong as Krogans. They're not controllable.' I can't tell him about the Shadow Broker. That's compartmentalized and I don't want info on Liara getting back to STG. Instead, I tell him about the Yahg in general.

'Does sound like bad Idea. But no such facility exists.' Mordin nodded, denying my worries.

'Good. Because if they escape on Sur'Kesh? You're going to have a big problem.' I explained.

'Will pass on to colleagues. Anything else?' he asked.

'Yeah. I'm going with you on Tuchanka to help find your friend. Clan Weyrloc has him, and I won't stand for torture.' I stated, picking my words extremely carefully.

Mordin nodded. 'You have a plan?'

'You come as part of Grunt's Krantt for his ceremony. This gives you a reason to be on Tuchanka. When we leave, we pretend we're just sightseeing.'

'On Tuchanka?' Mordin asked.

'How often can you get a tour of the plantet from a person who predates the Salarian uplift?' I asked.

'Excuse is not as flimsy as initially assumed.'

'Anyone who sees a Salarian on Tuchanka will assume the Salarian's up to something. But a Salarian travelling with a Krogan? They assume the Krogan's up to something instead.' I admit.

'Clever. Had not thought of it that way. Agree. Sightseeing on Tuchanka. Had never thought there'd be a day.' Mordin smiled, awkwardly.

I smiled back. My plans were in place, and I'd gotten a wonderful opportunity to sing in the process.

Kindness truly is the deadliest weapon to a foe. It kills the foe and replaces them with a friend.

2185 CE

'What's going on with Grunt? He's sick.' Shepard asked.

'He's not sick, Shepard.' I replied. Well, not unless puberty was a sickness, anyway.

Shepard's eyes narrowed. 'Some thing's wrong with him, Krell. Tell me what it is.'

'You know I'm not a medical doctor, right? I'm a doctor of a lot of things, but that's not one of them.'

'You know what's wrong with him.' Shepard accused.

'Nothing's wrong with him.' I argued.

'Grunt even yelled at Joker today. Grunt never yells at Joker. If whatever this thing is becomes a pandemic you're going to be the first person struck down, you know.' Shepard threatened.

I couldn't stop myself at the image, I burst out roaring with laughter. 'A Pandemic! A-- Heh... A Pandemic! Oh. I need to tell Wrex that. Or Drack. That's good enough to contact him again for.' I chortled.

'You're laughing, Krell. Why Are you laughing instead of helping me?' Shepard asked with growing ire.

'Look Shepard, Clan Nackmor's leaving the Galaxy. I can't help you. You're gonna need to bring him to Wrex.' I managed to finally get out as my laughter died down.

'You can't or you won't?' Shepard asked.

'Can't. Our Shaman's already in Cryosleep. There's nothing I can do.' I admitted.

Shepard glared, but eventually decided to believe me and stormed off.

2185 CE

Tuchanka was the very next stop. I wasn't going to abandon Grunt, even if Shepard did prefer to work in teams of three.

'Krell, what are you wearing?' Shepard asked, and perhaps assuming I'd taken leave of my senses.

My normal armor had been painted, well, recolored really. Where once it was mostly a calming forest green with bits of navy blue and white for accents, now? It was all deep navy with black accents and across the chest over the left pectoral was a badge. I was also wearing a period accurate late 18th century British policeman's hat.

'My Uniform.' I explained, only making Shepard more exasperated.

Mordin, standing between her and Grunt further into the airlock made a gasp of surprise.

Grunt rolled his eyes at me as if I were being foolish. He'd been there for the rehearsals, so he was already bored with it, I guess. Or maybe he just thought I was embarrassing myself? Hard kid to read, that Grunt.

'What are you doing, Krell?' Shepard asked.

I snapped my finger, and EDI started the background music playing.

I immediately began to march in place.

'When the Krogan bares his steel.' I shouted.

'Tarantara, tarantara' EDI replied, in a monotone that honestly made the whole thing even funnier. Of course, as per tradition, I was doing purposefully wacky marching and juggling my cap.

'We uncomfortable feel!'

'Tarantara'

'And we find the wisest thing!'

'Tarantara, tarantara'

'Is to slap our chest and sing.' I slapped my chest on the appropriate word for emphasis, still marching in place.

'Tarantara!' Just this once I joined EDI on the line.

'For when threatened with a Maw!'

'Tarantara, tarantara'

'And your heart aches for your Pa!'

'Tarantara'

'There is nothing brings it round

Like the maw hammer's bold sound

Like the maw hammer's bold sound!' I proclaimed, proudly.

'Tarantara, tarantara

Tarantara, tarantara

Tarantara, tarantara

Tarantara, tarantara

Tarantara, tarantara

Tarantara, tarantara

Tarantara, tarantara

Ra ra, tarantara.' EDI added tonelessly as I danced in place.

'Go, ye heroes, go to glory!

Though ye die in combat gory,

Ye shall live in song and story,

Go to immortality!' Joker joined in, having been let in on the performance ahead of time by me and unwilling to resist the opportunity to pull a joke on Shepard that wouldn't lead to her shooting him.

'Go to death, and go to pyre

Die, and every human flyer

Shall join your funeral choir!

Go, ye heroes, go and die!' Joker added with elan.

'Go, ye heroes, go and die

Go, ye heroes, go and die' EDI and Joker joined together on the reprise.

'Though to us it's evident.' I began once more.

'Tarantara, tarantara' EDI chimed in.

'These attentions are well meant.'

'Tarantara'

'Your expressions aren't a style'

'Tarantara, tarantara'

'Meant to make a Krogan Smile.'

'Tarantara'

'We are going to Thresh some Maws

Using just our own bare claws!' I sing doing my best to sound nervous instead of excited by the idea. Instead I think I probably come off as both. Nervou-cited? Need to workshop that.

'Tarantara, tarantara, tarantara'

'Still to us it's evident

These attentions are well meant'

'Tarantara, tarantara, tarantara'

'Go and do your best endeavor

And before all links we sever

We will say farewell for ever

Go to glory and the grave

Go to glory and the grave

For your foes are fierce and ruthless

False, unmerciful, and truthless

Young and tender, old and toothless

All in vain their mercy crave.' Joker wailed. I'd left the lines here the same to make them easier for him to learn.

'We can see too great weight

Put on our too mortal fate

And observed that there's a risk

Of our own new obelisk.

Still, perhaps it should be plain

That we don't intend disdain

For it's very evident

These attentions are well meant' I explained, in song.

'Yes, perhaps it would be wise

Not to carp or criticize

For it's very evident

These attentions are well meant

Yes, it's very evident

These intentions are well meant' EDI agreed, tonelessly.

'Evident

Yes, well meant

Evident

Ah, yes, well meant!' Edi continued.

Immediately Jeff and I broke into our duet, backed by a Chorus of EDI tonelessly doing both parts, in slightly different notes.

'When the Krogan bears his steel (go, ye heroes)

Tarntara, tarantara (go to glory)

We uncomfortable feel (though you die)

Tarantara (in combat gory)

And we find the wisest thing (ye shall live in)

Tarantara, tarantara (song and story)

Is to slap our chests and sing (go to immortality)

Tarantara

Go to death, and go to pyre

(For when threatened with emeutes, tarantara, tarantara)

Die, and every Human flyer

(And your heart is in your boots, tarantara)

Will join your funeral choir!

(There is nothing brings it round like the trumpet's martial sound)

Go, ye heroes, go and die

(Like the trumpet's martial sound, tarantara, tarantara)

Go ye heroes, go to immortality (tarantara, tarantara, tarantara, tarantara)

Go ye heroes, go to immortality (tarantara, tarantara, tarantara, tarantara)

Though you die in combat gory (tarantara, tarantara)

Ye shall live in song and story (tarantara, tarantara)

Go to immortality (tarantara, ra, ra, tarantara)'

Shepard looked like her eyes were going to pop out of her head, but Mordin caught his cue. After all, my small alterations to the lyrics aside, this was from an Operetta he'd starred in before. And he remembered all his lines.

'Away, away!' He ordered.

'Yes, yes, we go.' EDI and I replied; not moving.

'These Threshers slay.' Mordin ad-libbed.

'Tarantara.' EDI and I replied. Both of us pointedly staying in place to Shepard's growing bafflement.

'Then do not stay.' Mordin replied.

'Tarantara.' EDI and I responded.

'Then why this delay?' Mordin sang, sounding increasingly exasperated.

'Alright, we go!

Yes, forward on the foe!

Yes, forward on the foe!' EDI and I chanted. neither of us making any move to move.

'They're still here!' Mordin observed.

'We go, we go!

Yes, forward on the foe!

Yes, forward on the foe!' EDI and I chimed in again.

'Shepard, they're still here!' Mordin ad-libbed.

'At last they go (we go, we go)

At last they go, at last they go (we go, we go)

At last they really, really go (we go, we go, we go, we go)!' EDI, Joker and I all chorused, none of us moving from our spots.

'Yes, but you don't go!' Mordin observed.

Of course, that was my cue to march toward the CIC singing.

'We go, we go!

Yes, forward on the foe!

Yes, forward on the foe!' I sang loudly distracting the entire CIC, which is why I made sure to only pull this after we were safely and completely docked.

'Oh dammit, they don't go!' Mordin complained one last time before we all joined in for one rousing crecendo!

'At last they go (we go, we go)

At last they go, at last they go (we go, we go)

At last they really, really (we go, we go, we go, we go)

Really, really, really, really go (we go, we go, we go, we go)!'

'What the hell was that?' Shepard asked.

'Culture, Shepard. That was culture.' I replied as the door onto Tuchanka opened.

'Still prefer the patter songs.' Mordin agreed, stepping outside.

It was time to kill a Thresher Maw.

Author's Notes: The title is from Trial by Jury (Gilbert and Sullivan's second collaboration together, it's a one act comic opera). The other three songs are Behold the Lord High Executioner, As Some Day It May Happen (Commonly called "I have a little list"), and When the Foeman Bares his Steel.