CHAPTER 47: Where Everybody Knows Your Name
'Grandfather. You need to change the background music on your library.' Liara came into my throne room without knocking; the mixed sounds of opera and state secrets echoing in from the hallway as she entered.
It was a valid complaint, of course.
Some of the transmissions that my Library picked up on were were vocal rather than text, and well, VIs are terrible at telling the difference between music and idle gossip, so I'd mostly resigned myself to the bizarre mixture of vocal arrangements my library thought was appropriate background noises. Today it sounded like... Carmen, and deniable Batarian black ops slaving run briefings?
I really should take another whack at trying to fix that VI...
'The last time I tried fixing it, it cursed at me for 57 minutes in Elcor.' I admitted.
'Aren't Elcor curses mostly...'
'Olfactory? Yes. On an unrelated note, maybe don't go to sector G-47000. At least not without noseplugs. Or smelling salts.'
'Well, that's... I figured you had some sort of reason to have synth-punk overdubbed with Volus-voiced erotic novellas blaring through the halls.'
I stared at my granddaughter. "What kind of plan would that help?'
She looked at me like I was a fool for asking that.
'Grandfather, I have stopped believing that elements of a plan have to make sense for it to be devised by you, or for it to be successful...' Liara admitted that last part like the words physically pained her to say.
Was Liara mad at me? She seemed mad at me. I immediately reviewed my remaining backup plans to fix Liara being mad at me.
It would have been a lot easier to fake my own death before I had given Liara access to my Library's databanks. And cutting her off without warning or explanation would probably give the game away if I tried now. Honestly that plan was doomed to failure the minute she became the Shadow Broker.
Maybe discard that plan. What was my second plan for dealing with this?
No, that one wouldn't work. Shepard was still in jail, so I couldn't distract Liara with eye candy either.
Okay, third time's the charm! What was my fourth plan...
Right! Delegate to my minions!
'Liara, I want you to think of this library like a home away from home. So, what do you need to make this ship comfortable for you?' There, nailed it!
'For you to fix the sound issue.'
Shit.
'Okay, what else do you need? Cause I can't do that.' I admitted.
'Hah! I knew it was part of some elaborate scheme!' Liara misjudged, horribly.
'It's not a scheme. I literally don't know how. I'm an engineer, Liara, not a programmer. If I knew how to program serviceable VI, I wouldn't need a librarian to sort through my books.' I explained.
'You're going to make my job obsolete with automation?' Liara's eyes narrowed at me.
'Well, not me personally, since I can't program a competent enough VI to replace you. And not anyone else, because I can't trust anyone else with this information. So your job is safe!' I explained, logically. Honestly if I wanted to automate her job away I would have asked Legion for help.
Liara didn't look as pleased as I had hoped.
'Give me access to update the programs. I'll fix it.' Liara finally decided to ask.
'That I can do!' I smiled widely, bringing up a holopad to update the permissions in as showy a manner as possible.
'Thank you, Grandfather.' Liara finally decided to say after staring at me for a good minute trying to figure out what I was up to.
'Of course, Liara. You only had to ask." I smiled back.
Liara frowned as she left the room, suddenly more on guard for a plot after my smile.
Honestly that girl was far too high strung. She needed a drink.
I frowned. There really only was one bar tender for the job who I'd be able to trust on my library, wasn't there?
Damn it.
I needed to call my daughter.
Ugh. This was going to be extremely awkward, wasn't it?
Was it too late to fake my own death again?
Dear Aye-Aye,
A lucrative posting for a bartender just came up. I figured I'd pass it along.
Love,
Dad
Dear Dad,
What the hell is this? 'The Great Library of Krell'? Location 'To be determined?' The proposed pay is blank! This isn't a job posting, it's nonsense!
In conclusion,
Fuck you.
Dear Aye-Aye,
I built a library. It moves. Liara's the head librarian. We both know you aren't working as a bartender for the pay, but you can have the bar space rent free and keep all the profits if you really want them. We'll be at Omega in a week.
Love,
Dad
Dear Dad,
I'll be there.
In conclusion,
Fuck you.
I smiled. Then I frowned and I realized that the library had switched from the soothing tones of Elcor Hamlet overlaid on an instrumental track by Joe Hisashi to the much less soothing tones of Elcor Hamlet over a backing track by Varrencage.
What the hell was Liara doing to my library?
Well, it would probably be fine for a while. Liara was a good programmer, but she wasn't exactly fluent in Pre-Rachni Krogan programming languages. It would probably take her a while to figure out how to fix things.
Hmm... on second thought, maybe giving her access to the sound system was a mistake?
Well, I'll call it a learning experience if she asks me about it.
I checked the chronometer.
Three more hours till Omega.
Author's note: So we hit over 100 pages here on Spacebattles, and over 160,000 words. That feels like a major milestone, so I'm posting this a bit earlier than I intended. Part of that is also that I wrote around 3,000 new words before and after work today. I have first draft chapters done out to chapter 52, and 48 and 49 are probably revised enough to release as is, so I have less of a cushion than I did when I first started this story, but I still have a comfortable cushion to deal with.
The problem with Queen's "Hammer to Fall" is that it can be used on any chapter where action does not really happen. The other problem is that it's such a good song that I want to save it for a really cool chapter. Thus the current bar-themed chapter title instead. The hammer will fall another day, I suppose.
