Chapter 51: Don't Nobody Bring Me No Bad News

Dear Dad,

I know you're still alive. You didn't even hire a Volus in a bow tie to deliver your 'life insurance' this time. That really almost convinced me the last two times.

In conclusion,

Fuck You

Dear Aye-Aye,

It wasn't me this time! It was Turian Military Intelligence!

Love,

Dad

Dear Dad,

Of course, it's Turian Military Intelligence. It's your Turian Military Intelligence! I don't know why you thought it would work. Especially without the Volus.

In conclusion,

Fuck You

Dear Aye-Aye,

I don't just mean it's stupidity. I think it's the actual Turian Military Intelligence. I have no idea why they did it.

Love,

Dad

Dear Dad,

Are you telling me that the Turian Hierarchy decided to fake your death for you, your favorite trick, just when you were about to be involved in an awkward conversation, the same exact position you faked your death in the last two times?

You can't honestly believe that I would believe that.

In conclusion,

Fuck You

Dear Aye-Aye,

It's true!

Love,

Dad

Dear Dad,

Sure, old man. Now tell me how to override the lock to Lara's office. She was visiting me at the bar and reading the article aloud when she got to the mention of all the Human pornography you have. I don't think she's ever coming out. So I need the code.

In conclusion,

Fuck You

Dear Aye-Aye,

Has she eaten?

Love,

Dad

Dear Dad,

Not since yesterday.

In conclusion,

Fuck You

Dear Aye-Aye,

I've sent the code as an attached to cryptographic key.

Give her a minute's warning before you go in. Just in case.

Love,

Dad

Grandfather,

Why did you not tell me that you owned the largest collection of pornography in the galaxy? And left me in charge of it?

Sincerely,

Liara T'Soni

Chief Underling In-Charge of Intelligence Operations for the Great Empire of the Enkindlers

Dear Liara,

Would you believe I didn't realize it until the article?

Also, do you happen to know who faked my death this time?

Love,

Grandpa Krell

Dear Grandfather,

I would. To both questions. It was Counselor Valern. He has been rather upset at you for some reason. I'm sure you can make a guess as to why.

He has been pushing to make your death a Citadel-wide holiday. There might even be a parade. It starts at the Council library and proceeds to the other end of the Presidium, lengthwise. I thought that was a nice touch.

He owns a catering company that he created for the event. I suspect he plans to use the notoriety of providing free sustenance for the celebration to build the brand and grant easier access to higher level parties by STG agents.

Sincerely,

Liara T'Soni

Chief Underling In-Charge of Intelligence Operations for the Great Empire of the Enkindlers

I frowned. Well, that was one mystery solved. I suppose I didn't actually need to clear my name just yet? I knew the procedures for getting declared alive once more pretty much by heart by now. It was part of the cost benefit analysis of faking my death in the first place. Not that I've ever had to actually use them. This is the first time anyone has actually believed I'm dead. Was Valern trying to teach me not to ditch his surveillance? That was oddly petty of him.

I'll have to make my reappearance suitably dramatic. Maybe I can steal a Gandalf quote? Well, I'll have to see what the opportunity calls for.

I should probably respond to the other emails I'm getting if people think I'm dead though.

Krell,

There's no fucking way you died of old age. Get a better excuse.

Jack

Jack,

This one wasn't me. I would have chosen a much more dramatic death.

Krell

Actually... I should probably handle the rest of the Normandy crew at the same time. That would be easier, right?

Dear fellow adventurers across night's plutonian shores,

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

I got a little held up returning some overdue library books, and the Salarian counselor jumped the gun celebrating.

With greatest apology for the inconvenience,

Nakmor Krell

Krell,

No one actually believed you died.

Sincerely,

Garrus

Krell,

Did you cause the Geth to lag recently? They said something about sorting algorithms. They seem oddly excited. I don't think I've ever heard an excited sounding Geth before.

Tali

Krell,

Thank you for giving me a heads up this time. I'm up for assessment as a SPECTRE now, but Valern is holding things up.

Ashley

Congratulations Ashley!

Being a SPECTRE is great. Aside from all the meaningless bureaucratic nonsense you have to go through just to get your job done the pay is 'whatever you can loot from your enemies' and the funding you get is the same pay-scale. The first question everyone asks when meeting you is what your real favorite shop on the citadel is. You get arrested for saving the universe, and you have to deal with eccentric precognitive Krogan scientists.

It's a wonderful job where the reward for a job well done is your bosses ignoring your achievements and sending you on suicide missions.

I can't recommend it enough.

Krell, I hope you're not hoping for a compliment just for not being dead yet. You've been pulling that trick off for millenia.

Commander Shepard

Guys,

Is it just me, or did Prison change Shepard? She seems crankier. Has she been getting enough rest? Congratulations on not being dead, Krell! Keep up the good work! My sister loves you by the way. Said she was going to apply to the University of Thessia to get a great education just like you did!

Sincerely,

Joker

Joker,

It's not prison. It's protective custody.

Also, sorry about the whole... Getting arrested thing, but Miranda's got the project covered, so don't worry about it.

Sincerely,

Kaidan

Kaidan,

Was that last bit for me?

Sincerely,

Joker

Joker,

No.

Sincerely,

Kaidan

Joker,

University of Thessia is trash. How would your sister like to be part of the initial class of the University of Tuchanka instead. She'll be able to travel the universe, have access to the most complete library in the Milky Way, and meet all sorts of aliens! We also have the most accurate Prothean History courses in existence.

Professor Nakmor Krell

First Dean of the University of Tuchanka

Krell,

You know I think that's word for word the same pitch University of Thessia gave.

Joker

Joker,

I can offer a full ride scholarship on The Great Library of Krell for her and your parents. It's much safer than where they are now. Much lower chance of angry Asari Bioweapons murdering everyone on their farm.

Krell

Krell,

That's a much better pitch than University of Thessia. What's the Great Library of Krell?

Joker

Joker

Here are the specs. I got to pilot it on it's shakedown run.

Grunt

Krell,

What the actual fuck? How the hell is that a Library!? It's got Thanix cannons! And FTL!? It's bigger than the Citadel! A lot bigger than the Citadel!

Just how seriously do you take your late fee enforcement!?

Joker

Joker,

It has the largest collection of knowledge in the known universe, and my grandfather decided to sort it by microsecond.

He made me head librarian.

Liara

Chief Underling In-Charge of Intelligence Operations for the Great Empire of the Enkindlers

Liara,

I did no such thing! You need to earn that job!

Nakmor Krell

First Dean of the University of Tuchanka

Joker,

I made it more as a Cenotaph than a Library. I wanted a backup plan in case you idiots all shit the bed fighting the Reapers.

I figured if no one found it it'd have a record of the Reapers and our cycle for a future cycle. And I figured that if someone this cycle found it, you all could use it to fight the Reapers.

I didn't actually expect to survive to be here fighting next to the rest of you idiots.

More the fool,

Professor Nakmor Krell

First Dean of the University of Tuchanka

Professor,

Are you perhaps looking for an AI to manage this facility?

Professionally,

EDI

Krell,

Don't go poaching my ship, Krell! EDI is an essential member of the Crew!

Shepard

Grandfather,

Don't you Dare make EDI head librarian!

Liara

Head Librarian of The Great Library of Krell

Liara

Don't you dare add that to your signature block! You didn't earn that title!

Nakmor Krell,

First Dean of the University of Tuchanka

EDI,

Sorry EDI. I can't hire you because Commander Shepard hates capitalism. No wonder she defrauded all those shops with the same sponsorship deal.

Sincerely,

Professor Nakmor Krell

First Dean of the University of Tuchanka

Professor,

She's been hanging out with thieves and other bad influences. And prison! Prison changes a girl you know.

That's why it's important to not get caught.

Sincerely,

You Know Who

And Merc Warlords too!

Wrex

Wrex,

You know I'm a retired warlord. But I think I saw an assassin around once or twice.

Professor Nakmor Krell

First Dean of the University of Tuchanka

Krell,

I am also retired.

Thane

Krell,

Do you really need all those books? You're ruining a perfectly good warship.

Wrex

Wrex,

Technically the books are backups. There's a digital record too. But they add to the ambiance. It's not a library without books.

Professor Nakmor Krell

First Dean of the University of Tuchanka

Wrex,

You will remove my books only over my cold dead body.

Liara,

Head Librarian of The Great Library of Krell

Krell,

Your Head Librarian has spunk! I think you made a good choice!

Wrex

Wrex

She's not the head librarian yet!

Take that out of your signature block, Liara!

Professor Nakmor Krell

First Dean of the University of Tuchanka

Wrex,

I like the idea of all those books. It's kind of romantic, isn't it? Wandering through an alien library the size of a moon? Alone with your lover?

Kelly

Kelly,

As long as it has adequate sight lines for when you and your lover get ambushed by Geth, or Blood Pack, or worse, the Blue fucking Suns.

Zaeed

Zaeed,

The place is built for research, but there are some nice pillboxes by all the external access points and around the important locations like the bridge and the mess halls.

Nakmor Krell

Chief Architect of The Great Library of Krell

Well, as long as the mess halls are protected.

Jacob

Jacob

The mess halls are disbursed around various locations capable of growing food. They're the best protected parts of the library.

Grunt

Krell,

Sound strategy. More mess halls could use proper defenses. Makes it much harder to slip in and poison a target. I hope you included anti-infiltration methods?

Thane

Thane,

A lot of that is personnel stuff. Training and so on. Liara and Grunt are handling it. I wasn't so worried about assassins when I designed the place, and scanning equipment doesn't age as well as mass accelerators and slug throwers do. We'll need to retrofit.

Nakmor Krell

Chief Architect of The Great Library of Krell

Grandfather,

I wrote a script to monitor suspicious activity using the surveillance cameras. They're actually outdated enough that they thwart a lot of modern optical camouflage techniques because they lack the digital processing power frame-rate and resolution. It's quite fascinating. Still no luck on a sorting algorithm though.

Liara

Head Librarian

Nakmor-Professor,

The Geth would like to bring up this issue during pending negotiations.

Legion

A Terminal of the Geth

Krell,

What negotiations?

Tali

Legion

That's fine. I'll be there once I stop by Tuchanka to talk to Wrex.

Nakmor Krell

Chief Strategist and Diplomat of the Great Empire of the Enkindlers

Krell,

Are we in for negotiations too?

Miranda

Miranda

Not sure yet. Let's play it by ear and see how it goes.

Nakmor Krell

Chief Strategist and Diplomat of the Great Empire of the Enkindlers

Anyone else have a sudden chill up their spine? No? Just me?

Joker

Joker,

It's not just you. It's damn cold here.

Jacob

To whom it may concern,

With all due respect, and I mean that sincerely. You are all great. But, Why am I on this email chain?

James Vega

Vega,

I wanted to get an early start. It'll make sense in a few months.

Nakmor Krell

James Vega,

Run. Run now. Never stop running. It's your only chance to escape the madness.

Kaidan Alenko

James Vega

You're being reassigned to the Normandy SR-2 soon. The orders were already cut.

Dr. Liara T'soni

Vega,

Don't you dare touch the seats! They're real leather and I just got the settings just right. It took me months to get it just right!

Joker

Jeff,

My apologies Jeff, you actually got the settings right within 15 minutes. I shifted your chair too slowly for you to notice when you were sitting in in it for several months while you were calling me, what was it? Ship cancer?

EDI

Vega,

Yeah. You might not want to touch anything at all. The ship holds a grudge.

Jacob

James Vega,

Just conduct yourself with responsibility and courtesy according to the military code of conduct. Codes of conduct exist to guide those uncertain of their place onto the path of righteousness. It is good therefore that you have one to follow.

Justicar Samara

Well, with that problem fixed for now...

My terminal beeped with another email alert.

Krell,

See you soon.

Mordin

Well, that wasn't ominous at all.

Author's Note: There are a bunch of versions of this song, Diana Ross, Akinori Nakagama. They're all great. but this particular chapter title is the Mabel King version.

Anyway, in a way the last chapter kind of spilled over into this one. The goal of the last chapter was to try and get a reaction chapter to what Krell's been doing without switching from Krell's perspective. We are going to switch perspectives at some point in this piece, but I didn't want to do it here. Fundamentally this story is an experiment in writing techniques for me. Wildbow-style interludes are something I know how to do, so I wanted to see what effect something different could have. I think I like the outcome here, a good mix of humor and information. But we'll see how it hits you folks.