When I looked over my shoulder, Kylo was nowhere in sight. I had no idea when he had left or where he had gone. I woodenly got out of bed.
The tissue paper came away red and brown. I watched the dark specks flow down the drain in the shower, feeling nothing. I felt displaced from my body, like I was hovering above it, observing someone else controlling my limbs. The shower ran cold.
Hitting the button to open the fresher door, I stood in the doorway for a long moment. The bed was made with fresh sheets. He's here…somewhere.
I got dressed and crawled under the sheets, piling every available layer and pillow on top of me. I let myself shiver to get warm. Once I was comfortable, my unoccupied mind filled with the stuff of my worst nightmares.
Shame and anger battled for dominance inside me. I didn't know whether I was more angry at him for doing it or at myself for allowing it. I did know that I felt ashamed of myself. Of my choices, my mistakes. My life. The sinister feeling that it was all my fault crept into the back of my mind.
It was overwhelming.
It threatened to swallow me whole.
Pressing my face into a pillow, I sent my mind off to float in the starscape of my imagination. The deep oblivion welcomed me like an old friend. Nothing bothered me there, not even the distant twinkling stars—innocent celestial bodies untouched by humanity's sin. I relaxed as a veil of numbness fell around my body and mind.
I heard sounds over the next few hours, but I remained wrapped in my peaceful cocoon. When I eventually felt my side of the bed dip, I jolted in surprise.
"I found a lead to the map in the Inner Rim," said Kylo's excited voice. I felt him begin to peel back the bedding covering my head. "I know why the Force revealed this to me. I can sense it..."
Fear shot through me when I saw the outline of him through the last sheet. I moved a pillow over my face. He simply pulled it away, revealing a non-threatening look of boyish delight on his face. He wore his full battle garb.
"I am going to kill Luke Skywalker and bring balance to the Force."
I felt nothing. To placate him, I nodded.
A tiny smile appeared on his lips. He reached out to touch my face.
"No," I snapped, rolling over.
His hand fell on the mountain of bedding covering my legs. "I've thought about you all day, Lucia," he said softly.
"No," I repeated angrily.
"I'll let you come down to the planet," he said.
I looked over my shoulder and glared daggers at him. His eyes widened in surprise.
"No."
He turned away, rubbing a hand over his face in exasperation. Considering he had barely slept over the past several weeks, I had no doubt he was in the middle of a mental breakdown. I might have felt bad for him under different circumstances. As I continued to glare at the back of his head, his shoulders hunched.
"You think I'm a monster," he murmured.
The word disarmed me. I thought back to the terrible things he had done—abuse, intimidate, murder. I thought of the terrible things I had done. I wondered if any of it was for myself or if I had done it all for him. For him to notice me. To love me. My lips parted.
"No more of a monster than me," I whispered.
He stood up with a quiet scoff. He reached out, and his helmet flew off the dresser and into his hand. Without turning around, he put it on and sealed the respirator.
"Come with me to the bridge."
I shrank. "I don't want—"
"Get dressed," he snapped.
My uniform felt unusually stiff and uncomfortable as I followed him down the winding corridors of Finalizer. Seeing people and droids having a normal day while my world was rotated upside down was odd. I felt like an invisible ghost—a molecule in Lord Ren's shadow.
General Graves was not delighted to see him at such an hour. Perhaps no hour at all would suit him. The holographic stars and planets of the bridge's star chart filled the main walkway, floating by my head as it rotated ever so slightly. I stood off to the side with my hands behind my back, gazing at the large orange ball of light in the center.
"The Supreme Leader has forbidden us from entering the Inner Rim, my Lord."
"That is of no concern to me, Graves," Kylo spat. "Take us there. Now."
The old man straightened to his full height, which rivaled Kylo's. "I cannot comply," he stated evenly.
Kylo reached into his robe. "Allow me to rephrase myself..."
His lightsaber burst to life as he pointed it brazenly. If anyone on the bridge hadn't been paying attention, they were now. He spoke over the chaotic crackle of the blade.
"You will take the Finalizer to Jakku, or I will kill you where you stand."
Seeing right through the bluff, Graves raised his chin defiantly.
My stomach clenched when Kylo reached to the side with his other hand. An officer was dragged out from his station, hovering a few centimeters off the ground. Indelible fear covered his face as he helplessly kicked his feet. Without warning, Kylo closed his fist to bring him closer, lunged forward, and ran him through. As his blood-curdling scream filled the bridge, my hands flew to my mouth.
The man's body went limp and slid off the lightsaber, spilling steaming entrails and blood onto the spotless floor. Kylo looked over his shoulder menacingly.
Graves urgently cleared his throat.
"H—Helm, plot a hyperspace jump for Jakku!"
My heart pounded in my ears as we stood alone together on the speed lift. The man's face and scream replayed in a constant loop in my mind. When I saw his masked gaze turn to me in my peripheral vision, goosebumps erupted on my skin.
"What do you think of me now?" his mechanical voice asked calmly.
My tongue felt like sandpaper. I swallowed thickly.
He suddenly punched a wall panel next to my head, and I cowered as sparks rained down to the ground. He leered over me like a predatory animal.
"What do you think of me now?" he thundered.
My breathing was erratic as I summoned the strength to glare up at him.
"I think you're insane!" I yelled.
When he made no sign of putting his hands on me, I ducked away from him and hit the emergency stop button. The lift immediately halted, causing me to lurch on my feet. As soon as the doors opened, I stumbled off backward, not caring where I ended up. He silently stared at me until the doors slid shut between us.
I stood there with my shoulders heaving and my eyes frantically searching the nothingness in front of me. Why did he want me to see that? What does it all mean?
I stood there until a delivery droid buzzed around my feet with an annoyed beep.
Though I had never been there, my feet carried me to Vegas' quarters. I palpated the bags under my eyes self-consciously as I waited for him to answer the door. When he saw me, his mouth fell open in shock.
"Can I come in?" I asked.
After a moment, he cleared his throat and casually gestured inside. "'Course."
His quarters were the same cramped design as my room at Starkiller. A bed and a desk chair were the only places to sit. The room smelled like Vegas—standard-issue soap and gunmetal. A partially disassembled blaster lay on the bed, illegally retained from the armory. He threw a corner of the bed sheet over it as he sat down. His nervous energy radiated off him.
"Oh," he said, shooting to his feet.
He moved his dinner tray from the chair to the bed and took a seat. The tiny chair made him look like a muscly giant. He gestured to the cluttered bed.
"Please."
I sat down and grabbed the rejected dinner roll off his plate. He eyed me as I took a bite.
"You look awful," he said. "Did you skip dinner?"
"Yeah," I said shortly.
It hurt more than he realized. My eyes searched his face, looking for an equal flaw. He was scruffier than usual, but that was it. If only he knew what had occurred over the last twenty-four hours…
He broke eye contact and sighed. "I have so much to tell you about Triton. I lost three Troopers from my unit. Young kids. Did you know…"
Vegas' voice faded away as I earnestly considered telling him what had happened to me. His good opinion of Kylo would be shattered in an instant. I watched the expression on his face turn from disheartened to concerned to worried as he spoke. The feeling of emptiness returned to my chest.
"…and my pilot friend agrees with me," he finished.
I nodded, pretending that I had followed along. Suddenly, a distant rumbling shook the room. I put my hand on the mattress, identifying the distinct vibrations of a spooling hyperdrive. A slight tugging sensation to the right confirmed my theory.
Vegas stood up. "Why are we in hyperspace?"
"Ren is moving the ship to the Inner Rim," I said numbly. "Chasing a lead to the map."
"No way," he murmured, his eyes widening. "How is he?"
I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Something inside of me forced my eyes to the floor. I felt my control slip away, severing my mind from my body once again.
Vegas made a sound in his throat. He spoke quietly.
"This Skywalker obsession has changed him."
I watched my fingers spread themselves, pale and trembling. Weak. "Vegas…," my voice croaked. "I…I think I made a mistake…"
"I don't believe that for a minute," he said immediately.
I could only shake my head. When I didn't respond, he sat down next to me. His voice dropped to a whisper.
"Lucy…"
I stared hard at the floor, resisting the wave of shame and anger that threatened to crash down over me. Then it passed, and the soothing hollowness returned.
His hand appeared on my shoulder, light and hesitant. "How can I help you?"
I shook my head. I don't even know how to help myself.
His arm settled around my shoulders, gently pulling my body weight against him. His other hand was balled knuckle-white on his leg. "I want to help you, Lucy," he said. "Tell me how."
I couldn't speak. I couldn't move.
"Tell me how," he repeated softly.
I pressed my lips together. My voice sounded like a stranger when I spoke. "I don't know…"
When his com suddenly went off, Vegas broke away from me and stood up. My eyes followed him, worried who was on the other end. He answered it right away.
"This is Vegas."
"Straut here," said an unknown voice. "Muster at the command shuttle in three hours, Sergeant. And don't be late. New mission, new brief."
"Yes, sir." He closed the line and looked at me with a hard expression. "Battalion commander...I guess we're doing this."
I stood to my feet. "Ren said I could come to the surface."
A half-lie, since it was more of a bargaining chip than a promise.
Vegas narrowed his eyes. "Really…?"
I nodded recklessly.
