AU: What if April had a miscarriage in season 12? Struggling to deal with it and be around Jackson, she moves back to Ohio, until Jo and Alex's wedding brings her back to Seattle. (Trigger warning)
It's happening again.
It's happening again, and there's nothing she can do about it.
She wants to scream, and cry, and throw things, when she notices the red blood in her underwear whilst she's stuck at work. It takes her breath away in the worst way, and she finds herself spinning out, asking why God would put her through this again? She'd tried so hard to be positive in the midst of her divorce - to put her faith in Him that everything would be alright this time and that at the end of it all, she'd have a beautiful healthy baby to love and provide for. A second chance at motherhood after Samuel. Now, that was gone.
Its Arizona who discovers her sobbing on the bathroom floor of a locked cubicle, after some other staff members made comments about hearing someone crying. She realises that April isn't running the ER as usual, and the interns seem to be running around like a couple of lost puppies, wondering what they're supposed to be doing. Its then that is clicks that something must be really wrong.
"April, its me. What happened?" The blonde asks softly, knocking on the cubicle door a couple of times in hopes that she'll unlock it. When it finally opens slowly, she realises immediately what is wrong, and her heart breaks for her.
"I-I...I need you to do a scan. I need to know," She manages. Maybe it's just spotting, she tries to tell herself. Maybe my baby is fine.
"Okay, okay. I can do that," She agrees softly, trying to help her friend off the floor, "Do you...want me to tell Jackson?"
"No! No. Just...please. I don't want him to know. If it's really...if it's gone, then he doesn't need to deal with this too."
"April-"
"Arizona! I'm trusting you with this. Please."
She sighs, reluctantly agreeing to the conditions and wiping some of her friend's tears away. If they went outside with her eyes all puffy and her make up running, it would be obvious that something was up. She manages to stop for some clean paper underwear and scrubs along the way, in case April wanted to change into them. Anything to make her feel more comfortable.
She doesn't get the answer she'd been so desperately hoping for when Arizona swipes the ultrasound wand over her stomach. She'd lost the baby, and she wants to burst out crying all over again.
Its then that she starts to question her relationship with God, because again, why would he keep putting her through this? Why couldn't she just catch a goddamn break? She spends her life helping people get better, doing her best to go above and beyond for her patients, and yet her own life is in shambles. She's not sure she can keep praying to a God that doesn't answer.
She manages to pull herself together for long enough to finish her shift, but when she gets home that night, all she manages to do is cry.
Two days later, she hands in her notice. Arizona spends much of the next few weeks trying to convince her to say, and convince her to tell Jackson what happened. She doesn't, because there's no need to have them both be in pain once again. She can't help but think that maybe it's what she deserves for leaving him to deal with his own trauma the first time, even if it was what she'd needed at the time. He's barely spoken to her since she agreed to sign those divorce papers, anyway. Maybe its for the best.
She manages to leave Grey Sloan without much fuss, which isn't that surprising to her. She'd always been the outsider, and everyone had seen her marriage fall apart right in front of their eyes, so perhaps it isn't that surprising to any of them, either, that she might not want to stick around.
She can't tell what Jackson is thinking - he has that permanent angry face he seems to have at all times, and it's making him hard to read. She figures he can't be that torn up about it though, as they haven't exactly been friends since the divorce. Most of their interactions have ended in him being somewhat prickly to her, as if he's trying to hurt her more than he already has. She's not even sure that they ever could've been just friends again, anyway. Not like before, so maybe it doesn't matter anyway.
It's a wedding - Jo & Alex's, that brings her back from the rural and quiet Ohio to Seattle, somewhat reluctantly. She's excited to see everyone again, but also nervous to see Jackson (and Catherine, because she's never really sure where she stands with the woman). They've barely spoken in the eighteen months she's been gone, because really, what was there to talk about? What good would it have done to stay in contact when she wasn't convinced he even wanted her to? Instead, she'd spent her time trying to heal from the miscarriage, flitting between going to church a lot and not at all, and working at Case Western, grateful to have been given another chance with them.
When she spots him across the outdoor seating area, she feels her heart pound in her chest. Arizona notices, gently asking her if she's okay and if she wants to go someplace else for a moment. She shakes her head, taking a seat and trying to avoid eye contact with him. Maybe they'll talk later, but deep down, she's also not sure that she's ready, or that she really wants to.
Later on, when both themselves and some of their friends had made their way to the nearby hotel down the street, he confronts her for a moment. "Can we talk?"
He has that same somewhat angry-looking facial expression that she can never read, but she agrees, despite her apprehension. They agree to talk in his hotel room for privacy, although she feels her stomach flipping at the thought. The last time they'd been alone together in a hotel room had been in San Francisco, for entirely different reasons. Everything had seemed so much more simple then, even with her Jesus-related panics and the stress of the boards. As difficult as that had been for their friendship, she couldn't help but wish for that time period back.
When they make it inside, door closed, there's an uncomfortably long silence for a moment as they both keep their distance, standing almost on opposite sides of the room. She wonders what to say, or if there's even anything to say, when he finally begins to speak.
"So...you left." They make eye contact for a moment, and she can tell that the frown on his face is not just his default expression, but that he's mad, "You just...up and left, again."
April bites her lip softly, nodding and trying to avoid eye contact. She really doesn't want to be having this conversation, but she can't help herself when she replies, "There was no reason for me to stay."
He scoffs at that, and she can tell its offended him, "Wow. So all those years of friendship meant nothing to you? What about your patients? Or your job at the hospital? Or your friends?"
"I didn't say that, and you know what, no! You don't get to use that as ammo here. You weren't even acting like you wanted to be friends. You didn't want me, Jackson," She reminds him, "I'm not selfish for wanting to go. I still stayed in contact with people, and I'm still helping patients at Case Western."
"I was hurting," He reminded her, "That didn't mean that I didn't want you in my life at all! For you to talk to everyone but me. What happened to me and you, huh? But no, I guess you just had to run off again, just like you always do."
April feels her eyes burning at his words. She wants to run again now, thats for sure, but she can't. "It wasn't like that, I-"
"Then please, enlighten me. What was so important that you just had to up and run back to Ohio? That you could just up and leave? I get it, you didn't want to sign those damn papers, but god, you just had to do this again?"
"It wasn't like that!" She snaps again, finally feeling herself breaking down. The tears from her eyes finally drop, as she adds, "I had a miscarriage, okay? Thats why I left!"
His eyes widen, and his demeanour suddenly softens as he tries to take in her words. She'd had a miscarriage? She'd lost another baby and hadn't told him? He hadn't even known? Had anyone? Surely Arizona or Alex at least had to?
"You...why didn't you tell me?" He asks, voice much softer than it had been before, "I could've...I could've been there."
She manages to make eye contact, giving him a dejected look, "What difference would it have made? What good would it have done? Then we both would've been miserable and I...I didn't want to put you through that again. Not when you already hated me."
He feels a lump form in his throat, "I never hated you, April." Sure, he'd been angry throughout the divorce, but he'd never outright hated her. If anything, it was the opposite - which was why her leaving had shocked him. It didn't feel right, not having her in his life to some degree, and the divorce hadn't stopped him from caring. Sometimes, he wished that it had, "I just...you shouldn't have had to deal with this on your own."
"I didn't...I had Arizona, and my family," She admits, sighing, "Besides, I left you to deal with the loss of Samuel on your own, didn't I? I feel like...dealing with this...I get how you felt now, even if I never intended to hurt you. I'm sorry, I-"
Jackson finally makes an effort to move closer to her, closing some of the distance between them, realising that no matter what, he wants to help her. He'd accounted himself as her unofficial protector after the shooting, and yet this? He couldn't protect her from it. His own feelings on the situation will have to be felt and understood at some point, but right now, he just needs to be there for her.
His arms wrap around her, pulling her against his chest into a hug, and she allows the gesture to calm her for a few moments. He'd always been good at doing that - even when they'd been with other people, and he'd been mad at her, he'd always somehow managed to find himself slotting back into that role almost seamlessly, "It's okay. I know."
She can feel more tears flowing out, and she knows there's going to be a wet patch on his shirt when she dares to move again. A part of her almost doesn't want to - afraid of what might happen. Despite the circumstances, it's almost nice being close to him again. It almost feels like old times. Almost.
They remain like that for a while, before she manages to let him convince her to take her back to her room on the other side of the hall, thankfully managing to avoid bumping into anyone. He helps her clean herself up and change into something more comfortable, staying for long enough to ensure she is going to be okay (as okay as she can be, given the memories that have been dredged up), until she asks him if he can actually stay, because she can't cope with being alone.
They both know that they will have to talk more in the morning, or in the next few days before she has to return to Ohio, but for now he obliges.
