The journey to Grymforge took them longer than expected — the Underdark, despite being her home for longer than the surface, proved to be surprisingly difficult to traverse if one had no idea where to go, if the small pieces of knowledge a child could have saved for later were less than enough. This was no Menzoberranzan, its gothic and elegant architecture replaced by shapeless stone masses that functioned as a lair for a Myconid Circle— a hive-mind kind of society she didn't have the pleasure of crossing paths with before.

She hadn't had the pleasure of exploring the surroundings of her supposed home either, barely knowing the streets around what served as her house all her childhood, her only free memories those of her earlier life, of her father, of her original home back in Qu'ellarz'orl. It wasn't long until they were supplanted by the same dirty marble walls, by the cold, the loss and the horrors that sometimes still fogged her mind in nightmares, making it nearly impossible to discern them from reality.

She was glad the colorful and hypnotizing patterns on the floor and roof of the caves brought back the few beautiful memories she treasured — Her father, turning her around and dancing with her in the candlelight, telling her stories of Lolth's love and grace, of how he had been handpicked by her and she was her favourite child. She had felt so fortunate those years, her family blessed by the Queen of Darkness — her father a chosen lover of the Mother of Lusts, her mother a proud member of the nobility and the social calls that it implied. Maybe she could have been… normal, happy even, if fate hadn't had other plans for her.

What she was not expecting after reaching the underground docks of Grymforge was the sickness, the invasion of thoughts every True Soul could provoke in them, the familiar feeling of suffocation. It was not that fate had already laid out what it wanted from her, it was that Lolth was playing with her. How else would she explain the irony of having to save the person she wanted to kill more? How else could she accept it? So close to her domain once again, she could feel the tinge of Lolth's control, could hear a remote, elated voice trying to lure her back to the goddess she abandoned.

Less as a surprise came Nere's voice, more mature, more entitled if possible, yet the exact same voice she remembered, so extremely similar to his father's. A voice that was always demanding, always curious, always there.

Her tadpole, as usual, squirmed and screamed in response to a real True Soul being close, silencing every other thought and opening communication for them. She would have liked to say that he asked, that he pleaded for her help, but he simply ordered. He always did. And, as she had learned to do so many times, her body complied. Her energy crackled through her skin so much she had to calm an unusually persistent Gale while being in no state of calming anyone. No, she was not okay, yes, she needed a moment, no, no one could do anything for her. This was her own fight.

She felt pathetic when Lae'zel had to catch her mid-fall, her knees failing, her magic battling with her soul for control, as if being pulled and pushed back and forth a hundred times in a quarter of a second. She was her own master, the master of her own magic, her magic. She muttered the words over and over like a mantra, too busy to notice if any of her companions heard her, if any of them even cared. She just rushed to get some of the smoke powder they'd had overhead the deep gnomes talking about before Nere realized she was here. Before he realized she was still alive, that he could still use her.

It should have been her priority from the moment she ran away from the debris she created. She had been so blessedly far from them, so blessedly free, she hadn't even thought twice about what would happen if someone from the Dorshen family simply found her. True, it was said they never left the Underdark and she promised herself never to return yet here she was, without a secondary plan, without an escape plan, without having told a soul about what happened to her.

She hoped her distance from them — from Nere, from Lolth — would have fixed it, would have changed… something. Instead, she had trouble walking. How could she share this with anyone? How could she be a leader to them being so damn weak? How could she admit out loud the horrors from which she had no proof? And why would anyone believe her in the first place? To the people of the surface, she was no one.

With that in mind, she was already overly irritated when she was forced to cast hold person on the obnoxious gnome that threatened to blow them up. She had no time for her stupid reasoning nor did she wish to be blown up by some random woman in the middle of nowhere. It came to her the revelation that it wasn't the best idea, using her magic at that moment would have consequences, however, an enormous part of her plan depended on them being alive so, with a sigh, she accepted the sacrifice. If only she'd had more time she could have asked their intern wizard to do the spell for her but it was a reflex, a quick act before she had the minimal amount of time to think.

Her vision blurred, the familiar invasion of her mind, of their minds, pressuring them and sounding as clear as if he was in front of her, as if she was a kid all over again.

"You. The chosen daughter of Lolth. The betrayer of darkness. My dazzling and alluring toy sister. You are a True Soul? The Absolute doesn't stop giving, I see. Come get me out of here so I can see you with my own eyes again. I have missed you terribly."

She had tried to be quiet to prevent him from recognizing her voice. She had tried masking her energy to prevent him from noticing it. But she had been unable to hide her magic for longer. Her only consolation the fact that they were already on their way back, now stopped in an empty area but so, so close to saving Nere. She wanted to vomit just thinking the words.

"Sister?"

Astarion voiced the question each of them was thinking and she sighed louder. She had been a complete mess since reaching Grymforge and they didn't even mention it apart from asking if she was okay, if she needed anything. These people… these people had traveled with her for almost two months, the tendays flying while searching for answers, for a cure. They'd been mostly honest with each other: Lae'zel and her creche, her costumes. Gale and his relationship with Mystra, with the weave, with the orb on his chest. Shadowheart and her worship of the Lady of Loss. And of course Astarion and his vampirism, his master. Each had secrets still, details they decided not to mention for the moment, memories they didn't want to share as readily as the rest. But her? She had told them nothing.

"Not exactly. It's… a long story. As you might have guessed Nere and I have something of a history."

Her companions raised their eyebrows, even more questions forming in their brains no doubt, and she brought a hand to her face to pinch the bridge of her nose. What a stupid conversation to be had at an even more stupid moment.

"Not that kind of history. Not willingly on my part, at least."

She heard rather than saw the intake of breath from them and she realized that more than being called a liar, a betrayer — more than being told that she had been lucky and that she should be grateful — she feared being pitied by them. She feared to appear gutless to them, unworthy of their company. They've been the first in a long time to not treat her like a freak or a delicacy. She would have to wait a long time to find someone remotely similar to them, if she could do it at all.

She needed a break. Honestly, she was drained. They've been running from place to place since reaching the Underdark, having only a couple hours of sleep under the safety of the Myconid Circle almost two days ago. Their intention was to rest when they reached Grymforge but they couldn't let the Dorshen's heir die of suffocation, as much as her being implored her to. Not only that, but she could feel Nere's power pulling from hers, fighting for control stronger than he was before because he knew that he could manipulate her.

So she chose one of the broken columns that decorated the cave and simply sat down, letting the air escape her lungs while closing her eyes, the vial of smoke powder safely tucked away on her belt. They still had time. And if not… they would find another way. She wouldn't cry for the loss of the drow, she just had to find another way — as if that was something new for her. She opened her mind to answer, having had enough of hiding, and tugged at the minds of the rest to invite them in, a gesture of her hand being enough to communicate that she wanted them to hear him for themselves.

"That's no way of asking for help, is it?"

She could hear his devious smile, feel it across the tadpole, the shortness of air more evident than the first time he ordered them to help.

"Ah yes, that voice. Father loved it so much. I never understood him, always preferred you gagged."

She wasn't sure if the discomfort she was feeling was hers or her companions', could have been either. It had been so long since she had heard that voice, submitted to such insinuations, that they almost took her by surprise. But she was ready, this one was a dance he had carved in her heart without asking for permission, as everything he took from her.

"And I prefer you dead, yet here we are."

He purred at her from the other side of the connection and she had to fight herself mentally to not shut it down that same second. Her magic purred with him, small energy lights dancing in her arms, the colors changing so fast they were indiscernible.

"Was that the kind of fire you had inside when you killed him? Or did he finally do good on his promise and made you the star of the party? I've always wanted to ask what happened that night, not that I regret missing it."

It was the latter, even if she refused to give him the satisfaction of the knowledge. The memories of her last night in the Underdark were as fresh as her memories from the last couple of days. The first and last time the wounds created in that house had been allowed to scar, to heal naturally, just like her.

"Aww, do you miss him? Don't worry, you are going to die too."

She smiled, the conversation going better than expected, and moved her feet up and down in front of her, curious, enjoying her moment. The confusion from her companions didn't go unnoticed and she knew they would have more questions than answers when the conversation finished but for the moment she wanted them to get a sense of the kind of person her self-proclaimed brother was.

"You won't leave me here. You have been sent here by the Absolute. You are my gift."

She was quiet for a moment, making Nere believe she was thinking about it. If she had to go through this again might as well have fun from a power position for once.

"Remember the night of my fortieth birthday?"

How to forget it, it had been one of the times she died. She knew why he was asking it: She died of asphyxiation, by his hand.

"We learned how horrible a death this is, right? We learned that some things are not fun, remember?"

She won't ever admit to him how fun she really found asphyxiation to be with the right person, at the right moment and how she rediscovered such a pleasure not so long ago at the hands of one of her friends. True, it wasn't with sexual interest at the moment but she couldn't help but remember.

"The only thing I recall is that I was much more entertained after you killed me."

She heard him click her tongue — a damn trait she got from him, the dots on her head connected — and knew that she had won. Their banter was the same but she had the final decision and he knew it. He wouldn't risk it.

"Fucking bitch, just get me out of here, the Absolute commands you."

The connection fell silent and she moved forward on her seat, coughing blood and feeling complete relief about it. She had maintained her magic under control throughout the entirety of their conversation, the hold of his power on hers slowly retreating. For some blessed reason she preferred not to question, his grip on her power was feeble. It was still there, she had already been aware of that, but it was a tenth of what it used to be. Her only theory was that Lolth appreciated as little his betrayal as hers. And seeing as he at the moment worshipped the Absolute, tadpole or not, must have made his original goddess furious.

"Are you alright?"

A hand came to her shoulder, two clear eyes worriedly looking at her face. Shadowheart hadn't talked to her a lot since the incident in the creche. She didn't try either, knowing that anything she could say would be right. She was against the whole ordeal and Stengah ignored her, as she ignored so many unnecessary comments over the years. Only at that time, she should have listened. Only, she hadn't changed her mind. Going to find the Githyanki creche was a necessity for Lae'zel and she would have gone with her even now, knowing what happened, because she asked her.

"Better than ever."

She answered — an unsteady and bloody smirk on her expression. It didn't matter if she would be able to kill Nere here, didn't matter if she should let him live to keep the pretence of being a true soul. That conversation had been her first step towards victory in a war that had been waged for way too long.

"Why didn't you tell us? I just thought you didn't want to return home, not that…"

She really, really didn't want their pity. She was fine now. She had left the Dorshen family behind a couple of years ago. She was stronger than her experiences, stronger than the people who used her. Or so she wanted to believe.

"Because none of you asked — You just assumed I was a Lolth sworn drow with a preference for the surface, didn't you? Or that the Nautiloid kidnapped me from Menzoberranzan and I simply evaded coming back until now, is that it? Really, that was perfect, exactly what I wanted you to believe. A lot easier to believe than the truth so why bother correcting you?"

She stood up, conflicted about the tone she just used to answer yet too irascible to change it, searching her bag for a handkerchief before resuming their way to the rockfall that trapped the True Soul. Though she would have been astonished if it could have been so simple.

"So, what's the truth? Are you ready to tell us now or must we keep waiting and assume things that could be completely wrong from the conversations you have with other people?"

Ah Gale, sweet enervating Gale, of course he would be the first to demand it. It would be more ammunition for their fights, a way to make her eat her own words without realizing it was because of the truth that she could say those words with such conviction.

"The truth is — we don't have time for me to tell you but if you must know I was a Chosen of Lolth, just as my father."

The challenge in his eyes that always found its way into hers was the only thing that kept her talking. She couldn't say much with the time they had, at the place they were, but she could at least give them a crumb of the sinuous road that had been her life.

"My goddess tired of using him and discarded him. She made me one of her chosen shortly after. She regretted it when I said she could go fuck herself, couldn't go back on her word and punished us because she had nothing better to do. That's how gods work."

She was being harsh with him, specifically. She had had enough of his bullshit, of his superiority stance of 'a goddess chose me, look at me, I must be special.' She knew what it meant to be chosen: A whim. The gods thought they could use them as they pleased without any consideration of their mortal life. It had been that way for her and it was that way for him still. If only he listened to her at least one fucking time.

"My mother was a heartless bitch. She married into the Dorshen family, to Nere's father, and dragged her fifteen-year-old daughter through hell — turned her into a prisoner for almost fifty years. Not a normal prisoner, mind you, one bonded with a goddess who despised her so every night without fault she would 'remake' her so the torture would. never. stop."

She was breathing hard, her life flashing before her eyes, every moment, every aggression, every abuse, everything the world had taken from her. Her voice trembled, her fist strangling the fabric of her sleeve.

"Lolth gifted everyone with Dorshen blood the ability to manipulate my magic. Use it, waste it, steal it, experiment with it. You name it and it was possible. I was a prisoner in body and soul."

She approached the wizard, who she could swear was now shorter than a moment ago — or maybe she was standing prouder, she wanted to believe — and turned around to see each of their faces.

"I hope that would be enough information for the moment. Now I have a bastard son-of-a-bitch to save so we can reach Moonlight Towers sometime this year."

Everyone followed in silence. Not complete silence, they talked between them in hushed voices, but no one dared speak to her. It was possible she had been too harsh — she didn't like to share this part of herself with them. Not her past, not her cruder, ruder self. They had treated her fairly, she should do the same.

While Lae'zel prepared the explosives and Gale the fire bolt that would ignite them she promised herself that she would find another place, another moment, another way of killing Nere, of getting revenge. Maybe she should make him her slave instead, her companions suggested, and she toyed with the idea in her head, imagining being able to make him pay slowly, one sin at a time. She smiled for herself, a twisted expression instead of the wonderful one she knew slipped once and again while being with them, more similar to the one she had become accustomed to since she moved to the surface, to the only form of happiness she could think back to. If she could ideate a way to silence her magic, to mask it, while being near him it was definitely a possibility. If the tadpole could overpower Lolth's power maybe she should seek to control it, not extract it. She had a lot to think about, a lot to talk about. And, for once, she also had people who wanted to listen. For once, she really felt blessed, as hard as the circumstances surrounding them were. And she would do everything in her hand to save these people. She would do anything to save herself.

And so, their path ahead was inaugurated with a bang.