"This isn't the proper method for creating a fake diamond either," commented Jonathan Crane, as he watched the Joker holding a plastic mold over the lighted flame.
"You keep telling me how to do things, and I'll set you on fire," retorted Joker. "Straw and sackcloth burns really well, Sack-face, and you don't wanna end up looking like Harvey. Besides, you're used to making your stupid fear gas, not anything of real value."
"And you're used to making your laughing gas, which by definition is a gas, not a solid," retorted Crane. "So nothing at all like making a fake diamond."
"I can make other stuff," retorted Joker. "I'm a man of many talents. As you can see," he added, pulling the mold away from the flame and opening it, to reveal what appeared to be a perfect replica of the Hummingbird's Eye.
"That is very good," admitted Tetch, grudgingly. "But I don't think it'll be enough to fool Penguin."
"You are such a pessimist, Tetchy," sighed Joker. "Just because nothing in your life works out, it doesn't mean the same holds true for the rest of us. Don't spread your gloomy attitude around."
"Puddin', if we're not gonna give this diamond to Pengers, can we keep it for ourselves?" asked Harley, who was holding the real diamond. "It's really pretty and shiny."
"Harley, we're doing all this so I can become a billionaire," retorted Joker. "Which means we're going to sell the diamond to the highest bidder. I can't make any money off it if we keep it."
"Well, money ain't everything," said Harley, shrugging. "Anyway, I think it's so beautiful, and just the perfect size for an engagement ring," she emphasized, looking at Joker pointedly. "Which I think I've mentioned before."
"Yeah, you have," agreed Joker.
"So I'm just thinking maybe you should save it for one day when you pop the question," finished Harley.
"Pop what question?" asked Joker, obliviously.
Harley sighed deeply. "When you ask me to marry you," she spelled out.
"In the unlikely event that I would ever do that, I certainly wouldn't waste a valuable gemstone on you," retorted Joker. "You try and bribe people with nice things if you're afraid they're gonna say no, and you'd never say no in a million years, even if I didn't get a ring at all. You're so desperate, it would be a waste to give you something genuinely classy when you're just gonna say yes anyway."
"Oh, you're so sure about that, huh?" demanded Harley.
"Of course I am," retorted Joker. "You don't exactly play hard-to-get."
"I can't believe you think I'm such a doormat!" snapped Harley. "If that's all you think of me, I ain't gonna help you with your Joker Enterprises dream no more! I'm just gonna hang up on any caller who wants to give you a job, how do you like that?!"
"Fine, I don't need you!" retorted Joker. "Now stop yapping at me – I'm trying to concentrate here!" he snapped, attempting to carefully remove the fake diamond from the mold.
Harley glared at him, and suddenly lunged forward and shoved the lit Bunsen burner toward him. Joker dodged out of the way just in time, and the open flame fell onto the floor.
"Dammit Harley, set him on fire, not the apartment!" snapped Crane, racing over to pick up the burner before the fire could spread.
"How dare you try to burn me, you ungrateful brat?!" shouted Joker.
"Because I hate you, you miserable creep!" shrieked Harley. "Take your stupid diamond and shove it up your ass!" she screamed, throwing the diamond at his head.
"Careful with that!" yelled Joker, ducking again as the diamond sailed across the room and rolled under the sofa. "It's valuable property, unlike you, you dumb broad!"
"Screw you, jerk!" shrieked Harley, seizing a lamp and throwing that at Joker's head too.
"Please don't have one of your fights in our home!" begged Tetch, who caught the lamp that missed hitting Joker. "I have some beautiful antiques in here that are irreplaceable, and don't deserve to be used as cannon fodder!"
"I wouldn't marry you if you begged me on your knees!" shrieked Harley at Joker.
"Good! Because I'd never do that in a million years!" shouted Joker. "I don't need you, you useless dame, and I'd never waste a nice diamond on you! I wouldn't even give you the crappy counterfeit, worthless one I just made, even though that would fit you better!"
"Joker, we have a problem," said Tetch, who had crawled under the couch to retrieve the diamond. He held up two identical stones – Joker's fake diamond had also rolled under the sofa when he dropped it to dodge the burner, and the two were now completely indistinguishable.
"You stupid girl!" shouted Joker, rounding on Harley. "You mixed the diamonds up! Now we don't know which one is real and which is fake!"
"There are ways we can test that," replied Crane. "Ways which Penguin will also know, I'd wager…"
"Good! You deserve to get screwed over!" shouted Harley. "I hope Penguin rips you off, and then rips you a new one, you slimy rat!"
Joker raised his fist to strike her, but Crane leapt in front of her. "Don't you dare…" he began.
"Stay outta this, Johnny!" cried Harley, shoving him out of the way. "Go ahead, hit me, if you're man enough to do that!"
"No, no, no, you two are not engaging in fisticuffs!" shouted Tetch, rushing in between them. "We all know where it leads when you start getting physically violent with each other, and I don't want you having sex in my home! I wouldn't ever be able to sleep here again!"
"Don't tell me what to do, nerd!" shouted Joker, shoving him out of the way. "We'll have sex anywhere we want, and nobody is going to stop us!"
"You do and I'll set fire to this apartment myself, so help me!" exclaimed Tetch.
"Go ahead – being in danger just turns us on even more!" retorted Joker. "We've never had sex in a burning building before, so it'll be a novel experience. It'll make the whole thing hotter, literally!"
Tetch was about to argue that they would both be rendered unconscious from smoke inhalation very quickly, so they wouldn't have time to enjoy the experience, when a knock came on the apartment door.
"Thank God, a distraction," said Crane, as he went to open it. "Edward, I thought we were meeting you later," he commented, opening the door to Edward Nygma, the Riddler.
"Change of plans, and change of venue," said Nygma, stepping inside.
"Oh yes? Why's that?" asked Crane, frowning. "We're not going to break into Wayne Enterprises to steal their tech? I know Jervis was very much looking forward to it."
"No, unfortunately Wayne Enterprises is on high alert after some idiot kidnapped Bruce Wayne and tried to hold him for ransom at his own company," retorted Nygma. "The whole building is locked down. What kind of moron would want to hold a guy for ransom in a place where he has his own security team?"
"Someone who ain't afraid of a security team who uses non-lethal rounds," retorted Joker. "Anyway, we got out, and then we started a very successful business venture of our own. At least, it was successful until someone mixed up the counterfeit diamond with the fake one," he snapped, glaring at Harley.
"I'm gonna take both diamonds and flush 'em down the toilet, how do ya like that?" snapped Harley, ripping the diamonds out of Tetch's hand.
"You do, and I'll cut you up and flush your remains down after 'em!" snapped Joker.
"What are you both doing here?" asked Nygma.
"It's a long story," sighed Tetch. "Sit down and let me get you a cup of tea, Edward."
"Thank you," said Nygma, taking a seat at the table and pulling out his cell phone. "I hope you don't mind me dropping by, but I was in the neighborhood, and it's easier than rearranging things by phone. I hate talking on the phone, and for some reason you two aren't big on cell phones so I can't text you."
"I don't trust the as yet untested effect of mobile phone use on the human brain," replied Tetch, as he headed for the kitchen. "We have no idea what kind of waves and radiation that thing is spreading, and I'd rather not be a guinea pig in some worldwide experiment."
"Yes, and the mental health effects of such technology have been proven to be fairly damaging," agreed Crane. "Social media in particular leads to cyberbullying, and real life bullying was bad enough without me having to experience it constantly and carry it around in my pocket."
"Cyberbullying?" repeated Joker. "What's that?"
"It's when people on the internet send you harassing messages and death threats," replied Nygma. "Sadly just a regular part of an intelligent person's life on the internet."
"You mean they've invented a new form of bullying, and I've been missing out on the action all this time?" demanded Joker. "This is a travesty! I gotta get on it right away!" he exclaimed, pulling out his cell phone.
"Joker, Harley, did you want tea?" asked Tetch, re-entering the living room with a tray. "I forgot to ask you when you got here because I was still angry at being kidnapped and shanghaied to dig up a grave in the middle of the night, but even being angry is no excuse for rudeness, and I apologize…"
"Yeah, I'll get us some cups, Jervis," interrupted Harley, heading into the kitchen.
"Joker? Tea?" repeated Tetch, but the Joker was engrossed in typing a slew of threats and insults to unsuspecting randomers. And Riddler, of course.
"You want me to do what with a rusty spoon?" demanded Riddler, glaring at him. "Where did you get such a disgusting image?"
"From my twisted imagination, Eddie," retorted Joker, not looking up. "It's a really fun thing to do, trust me."
Everyone suddenly heard the grinding sound of the garbage disposal running in the kitchen. "What on earth is Harley doing in there?" asked Tetch.
Joker suddenly stood up. "That better not have been the diamonds!" he roared, rushing into the kitchen. And judging by the screaming and shouting which followed, his suspicions were proved correct.
Tetch shrugged, pouring tea for the three of them. "Now what are we doing tonight instead of robbing Wayne Enterprises?" he asked.
"Robbing Gotham Zoo," replied Riddler.
"What?" demanded Crane. "Zoos don't have any money!"
"The hell they don't!" retorted Riddler. "Have you seen the crowds they get? Plus they have an employee payroll just like everyone else! And there's probably not a lot of security since nobody but a genius like myself would think of robbing it."
"No, because it's an idiotic idea," retorted Crane. "Anyway, I'm not in the mood for another crime after the night I've had, especially not one as stupid as this."
"It's not stupid – you're just not thinking hard enough about it!" snapped Riddler. "Or you haven't been paying attention to what's going on at the zoo!"
"No, I can't say I have," agreed Crane. "Because nothing would induce me to rob it. I'm not an animal person in general, and knowing our luck some violent creature will have escaped from the zoo while we're trying to take the payroll, and then it'll try and kill us. I've had quite enough of being threatened by wild animals tonight."
"I think you've seen too many movies," replied Riddler. "But you clearly haven't seen the announcement," he added, holding up his phone. "The zoo's panda just gave birth to a rare pair of twin cubs."
"So?" asked Crane.
"So people have been coming from all over to see those!" exclaimed Riddler. "Pandas never reproduce much, both in the frequency and in the numerical sense of that word. The press have been covering it for weeks, and people have come from every state and every continent to see the cubs. The crowds have been lining up around the block. And crowds bring in money."
"Say what?" asked Joker, suddenly reappearing in the living room with Harley on his arm, both of them looking quite cozy.
"The panda bear at Gotham Zoo gave birth to twin cubs," repeated Riddler. "Which is a hugely rare event, apparently. The place has been packed with visitors for weeks…"
"Of course!" exclaimed Joker. "That's how I'll make up for the loss of the diamond! We'll kidnap those panda cubs and sell them to the highest bidder on the black market!"
"So you did put the diamonds down the garbage disposal, then?" asked Crane of Harley.
"Yeah, and I've been punished for it," sighed Harley, kissing Joker's cheek.
"What do you mean punished for it?" asked Tetch. His eyes suddenly widened in horror. "You…you didn't have sex in the kitchen, did you?"
"Nope," replied Joker, grinning at him. "But we did just have a quickie in your bed. Now come on, Harl, let's go steal some baby pandas," he said, heading for the door with Harley trailing lovingly after him.
Everyone just stared in horror after they left, until Tetch suddenly stood up. "Well, if Joker's going to the zoo, I'm not, so I'll bid you goodnight, Edward. I have some…things to do," he stammered, reaching for the Bunsen burner and turning it on. "A most pressing, urgent task to attend to."
"Can we at least clean out the lab before you set the apartment on fire?" sighed Crane.
"No, I'm afraid there's no time," said Tetch. "Has to be burned at once."
"Very well," sighed Crane, hurrying to his room as Tetch held the flame against the wooden table. "I'd better save my notes. And I'm going to make Joker pay the deductible on the fire insurance, don't think I won't."
