"Step right up, step right up, ladies and gentlemen!" called the Joker through a megaphone, as scores of unsavory people flocked toward the zoo. "Come see the most ferocious and dangerous animal in the world, the deceptively named honey badger! And come place your bets on which one will be victorious in a fight to the death!"
Harley stood next to him, charging inflated admission into the zoo. Once inside, Joker fleeced the patrons of even more money as they placed exorbitant wagers on which of the honey badgers would tear the other to pieces, to much cheering and booing depending on which one won.
But the clown couple very soon ran into a problem. The honey badgers were indeed vicious, ripping up the competition admirably and then launching themselves into another fight moments after killing their rival. The problem was, the zoo only had so many honey badgers in captivity, and the more fights there were, the fewer remained.
"Mr. J, we've got a problem," said Harley, pointing at the last honey badger standing, blood-flecked fur streaking his body and red spittle foaming at his lips. "Cuddles there is the last honey badger left in the whole zoo. How are we gonna make money honey badger baiting without honey badgers?"
"Harl, you're not thinking big enough!" exclaimed Joker. "We don't just have to limit ourselves to honey badger baiting! There are all kinds of dangerous animals in here, animals that we could pit Cuddles against to see how long he lasts! We should put him in with the panda bear, although it's hardly a fair fight. But we can bet how long it takes him to kill the panda, rather than who's gonna win, because we all know the answer to that."
"There's just one slight problem with that idea - how are you gonna move Cuddles from his enclosure to the panda cage?" asked Harley. "Or are you gonna move the panda over to Cuddles? If you do the latter, good luck dragging the giant panda over here, and if you do the former, good luck keeping all your fingers."
"I'm not doing anything," retorted Joker. "You can decide which one of those options you prefer. Dealer's choice."
"Nah uh. No way," said Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "I don't know why you think I'm a dumb blonde, but I ain't that stupid."
"Fine, I'll get the henchmen to do it," sighed Joker, reaching for his phone.
"They're on strike, Mr. J," reminded Harley.
"Not anymore," retorted Joker. "I texted 'em and told 'em they could either break the strike, or I could break their spines by firing a bullet into 'em. That seemed to do the trick. But we're losing money while we're standing around waiting for them to get here, I hope you realize that."
"Mr. J, do you really think it's so important that you become a billionaire?" asked Harley. "I mean, how would having a lotta money really affect your life? Doncha pretty much do everything you want to do now anyway? How would being rich change that?"
"Harley, being rich changes everything," retorted Joker. "Just look at Bruce Wayne. He's a big celebrity, beloved by all."
"But you're also a big celebrity," pointed out Harley. "And you don't need to be beloved by all, just a few good people. I love you, so isn't that enough?"
"Apparently not," replied Joker. "But once I'm rich, everyone will love me, because that's how that works. I'll be revered and worshipped by millions. Everyone loves rich people because they represent everything that makes America great – hard work and the spirit of entrepreneurship. That's why billionaires are so adored in this country."
"I really don't think they are…" began Harley.
"You called, boss?" asked one of the Joker's henchmen, interrupting the conversation.
"Yeah, I need you to take this little critter in there and move it over to the panda cage," said Joker, pointing at the honey badger.
"No problem, boss," said the henchman, opening the door to the honey badger's cage.
"Any bets on how many fingers he loses?" asked Joker of the crowd. "I'll give hundred to one odds he gets it moved unscathed!"
Fortunately for the Joker, but unfortunately for the henchman, he did not get out unscathed, and by the time the honey badger was deposited in the panda's cage, it had taken pieces off of several henchmen. Undeterred in its lust for blood, however, it lunged at the panda, who was still asleep through all the commotion.
"Boys, poke the bear!" ordered Joker. "We want it to put up a little bit of a fight, however futile! Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen!" he shouted, as the honey badger faced off against the startled panda just woken from sleep. It yawned and stretched and curled up again as the honey badger raced toward it. "No more bets!" shouted Joker. "This won't take long!"
Harley covered the eyes of the remaining baby panda as its mother was devoured, but it didn't seem particularly upset by the loss of either of its family members, managing a yawn and a scratch before settling down in a different position to sleep in Harley's lap. "Yeah, I get why Mr. J doesn't understand how you survive in the wild," she sighed, petting it.
"Harley, we need another animal to pit Cuddles against!" cried Joker, racing over to her. "He made real short work of the panda!"
"Well, he's not getting this one!" exclaimed Harley, cuddling the panda cub protectively.
"God no, he'd kill the baby even quicker," retorted Joker. "He needs a real challenge. What's the meanest animal you can think of?"
Harley thought for a moment, and then said, "A duck."
"A duck?" repeated Joker.
"Yeah," said Harley, nodding. "Ducks are real mean, especially if there are lots of 'em. I took the babies for a walk in the park once, and they ran into this pond full of ducks, and rather than fly away, those bullies started attacking them! Hurt 'em pretty bad too, so I had to start shooting them to teach them to pick on somebody their own size, and then they flew off. But still, ducks are ornery. I'd pit 'em against the honey badger, and I'd give good odds."
"Well, it's actually not the dumbest suggestion I ever heard," said Joker, shrugging. "Although it's definitely up there. Boys, move Cuddles over to that pond! I don't care how many fingers it takes – it's time for some duck baiting!"
Harley's phone rang at that moment. "Hello?" she said, answering it.
"Harley, where is that diamond I hired Joker to get?" squawked Penguin's voice on the other end angrily. "How long does it take to dig up a corpse, for God's sake?!"
"Pengers, hi!" exclaimed Harley, trying to get Joker's attention, but he was focused on taking bets on how many ducks the honey badger would kill. "Mr. J is just…uh…he's working on it."
"He's not, is he?" demanded Penguin. "What's he actually doing?"
"Well, through a series of unfortunate events, which is nobody's fault, the diamond kinda got…lost," stammered Harley. "Mr. J will explain – I'll just pass you over to him," she added, shoving her phone at Joker before Penguin could fully process what she had said. "It's Penguin," she mouthed.
"Oooh, speaking of animals we can pit Cuddles against!" chuckled Joker, taking the phone from her. "Pengers, how's it hanging?"
"YOU LOST THE DIAMOND?!" roared Penguin, deafening Joker as he ripped the phone away from his ear.
"Yeah, but keep your shirt on!" snapped Joker. "I got you something even better! There's this panda cub we got for sale…"
"Mr. J, no!" hissed Harley. "I don't want Penguin getting his flippers on it! He might skin it or eat it or something!"
"Penguins don't eat pandas, Harl," retorted Joker, covering the phone with his hand. "That's right, a rare panda cub," he said, into the phone. "An endangered species, so I hear, that just got even more endangered."
"I don't tend to deal in live merchandise," retorted Penguin. "But panda cubs are pretty valuable on the black market. I'll give you ten grand for it."
"Ten grand?" repeated Joker, indignantly. "You were gonna give me forty for the diamond!"
"Which you failed to produce," retorted Penguin. "Why would I give you a better offer when you didn't successfully complete the last job I gave you? I'm not crazy like you people who get sent to Arkham."
"Hey, I'd rather be in Arkham than Blackgate," retorted Joker. "Everyone there is a total pushover rather than a hardened criminal. At least I don't have to be careful when picking up the soap, if you get my drift."
"I can always count on your mind going straight to the gutter, Joker," sighed Penguin. "Ten thousand dollars is my final offer for the panda cub – take it or leave it."
"Fine," sighed Joker. "I'll bring it over to you once I'm done with the duck baiting."
"Duck baiting?" repeated Penguin. "What on earth is that?"
"Come down to the zoo and see – you can pick the panda up while you're here, and place your bets!" chuckled Joker. "Though we might be outta ducks by that point," he added, glancing at the carnage in the pond. "But don't worry, there will still be plenty of entertainment left! This honey badger is a total badass, and I wanna see how many animals he can slaughter before one gets the better of him. Harley, think of another animal we can use for baiting!"
"Uh…I dunno…a monkey?" suggested Harley.
"Not a penguin…" spoke up Penguin, but Joker hung up at that moment. Penguin sighed, then reached for his hat. "I'd better go down there to make sure he doesn't lose the panda cub like he lost the diamond," he muttered. "And to make sure he doesn't try penguin baiting, although honestly, I've never heard of such a thing. But at least it's not as stupid as Harley's suggestion of monkey baiting…"
