Chapter 31
Little hearts
They had gray eyes. Both of them. The most distinctive Seam gray you ever saw.
First time he noticed, it was like taking a blow to the gut. Even after years of peace across the country he still lived by the notion that the further away someone could be tracked to him the safer they would be.
But Effie, the silly woman, couldn't have been more rejoiced had someone given her a million in cash.
"It's exactly what I wished for!" she beamed and gave him a big hug.
He feared they'd end up with his hair as well but there they went in another direction. The more they dried up, the strawberry blonder they got.
One of the nurses that came by regularly to check on both the twins and Effie had helped dress them up in gray bodysuits, provided by the hospital. Bodysuits that side-snapped.
"Clothes pulled over the head reminds them too much of being born," Effie said. "They don't like that."
The scary purple shade that had tinted their skin when they first came into the world had slowly faded. Now they were a healthy pink, if somewhat coated with, not cream cheese but, vernix. And it too would disappear in a couple of days, Effie reassured him.
Now they lay peacefully together in the hospital crib.
Sitting at the very edge of an armchair Haymitch scratched his neck. Tugged miserably at the collar of his sweatshirt. Amy and Ian weren't the only ones who'd gotten new outfits.
His own clothes stunk from puke and liquor and cigarette smoke so he got to borrow some from the hospital. When he returned from his long, hot shower, dressed in what looked like a fleece version of District 13's gray jumpsuits Effie had dozed off.
He tiptoed into the room, didn't want to disturb either of them after the night's ordeal. Silent as a ghost he slipped into the armchair and peeked inside the crib, careful so as not to drip on them. He hardly breathed. Afraid he'd scare those helpless little creatures if he did any sudden moves.
They had a good shut-eye right after the birth. The clock was almost one in the morning but newborns were nocturnal creatures, Effie said. Either way, the twins weren't in the least bit interested in sleep now.
Lying on her back, Amy sucked on her fist with a tiny crease between her non-existent eyebrows. Sometimes her gaze lingered on Haymitch like "Who're you?" and her legs gave a forceful kick.
Ian's eyes opened and closed. His arms moved in the air, uncoordinated, as he explored the room.
Such a wise gaze. You'd think he understood most things already. That he knew the answer to all of life's mysteries, only he wouldn't tell.
He's mine. Such a surreal thought. His eyes went to his sister. She's also mine. We get to take them home with us.
A gift worthy of love. They really were.
How someone like him could ever manage to help co-create something so sweet and lovely he'd never know.
Where did they even come from? Well, he knew where they came from but still he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that all those kicks he'd felt came from these two. That they were real. Here to stay.
The bed sheets rustled when Effie stretched awake. A groan slipped between her lips and her sleepy gaze fluttered to the crib. And Haymitch.
"You're still up," she murmured.
Haymitch nodded.
"Couldn't sleep."
Effie rubbed her eyes and reached for the water glass on the nightstand. Sipped through the straw.
"How long have you been watching them?"
He shrugged.
"'bout an hour."
"Haymitch." She didn't laugh at him but it was a close one. "You should try and get some rest. Won't be a lot of that from now on."
Haymitch shook his head.
"I ain't tired."
It wasn't even a lie. Not completely. And Effie was enough of a pal to not insist. Knowing her, she probably guessed his real reason for staying up anyway.
He didn't fucking dare go to sleep. The idea of possibly waking up with memory loss terrified him.
Usually this hellish time of day, hours and hours left before dawn, he emptied bottles like there was no tomorrow.
Now all he wanted was for the alcohol to work its way out of his system. He couldn't even remember the last time he wished to be lucid. If ever.
He didn't care about the shakes and the nausea and the searing headache that morning light brought. He wanted to feel like himself. It physically hurt to think about how he tinted and soiled Amy and Ian's first memories with drink.
Effie hoisted herself up against the pillows. Doing so she gave a little wince that didn't go unnoticed by Haymitch.
"You OK?"
"A little sore," she said. "Don't fret," she smiled, at the concern written all over Haymitch's face. "I just had two babies. How are they doing?"
His eyes returned to the twins. He gave a slight shake of his head.
"Fine. They look fine to me. Ian's contemplating life and Amy's sucking on her hand."
"Oh, then you better give her to me," Effie said.
The crease between Haymitch's eyebrows deepened when his gray eyes darkened with realization and regret.
"She's hungry?"
"Yes, probably. Haymitch, sweetheart," she added. "Don't look so troubled. It's an early sign."
He nodded, though he would much rather start a new chapter of his book of self-insults. He reached over Effie and took hold of the sling with the red button attached to the bed post.
"What are you doing?"
"Calling the nurse."
"What for?" said Effie, amused. "She doesn't want the nurse."
"Yes, but I thought we'd call her anyway."
"Absolutely no need. I'll take care of it. Just give her to me."
Haymitch looked from her to the hospital crib and back again, almost moved to anger.
"I can't give her to you. You know I can't." He fingered the red button. "Let's just call the nurse. Be on the safe side."
"Yes, we better bring her along when we leave," said Effie. Her eyes glittered. "Help us raise them."
"I second that," Haymitch muttered.
Effie smiled.
"All you need to do it roll the hospital crib over to me."
He did so. Moved the armchair slightly and rolled the crib into its place. Very, very carefully.
Effie watched with amusement.
"So, you're never going to touch either of them, huh? You know I only have two arms. I won't be able to hold them both when they're this little."
"We can hire a nanny," Haymitch muttered. Effie chuckled and squeezed his shoulder.
"When you're ready you'll know what to do. I've seen you with the goslings."
The hospital crib was now right by the side of the bed and Effie leaned over it, smiling.
"Hello, my beautiful angel", she said and lifted Amy in her arms. "Are you hungry again, sweetheart?"
With the baby to her breast she untied the strings of her hospital gown. Stroked Amy's upper lip with the nipple to help her know what was going on.
It took a few attempts and it wasn't until after she latched on that Haymitch realized he probably shouldn't sit and stare like he did when Effie had her breasts out in the open.
Then again, after the big show just a couple of hours ago he reckoned they were well past feeling embarrassed at this point. He couldn't speak for Effie but personally he was too mentally drained to give a fuck.
"Wanna be alone?"
"No, it's OK."
Amy's fist pressed into Effie's breast. But as she ate, it relaxed and opened and he saw the five perfect fingernails. Her eyes were opened too, looking up at her mother. A peaceful scene if there ever was one and yet Haymitch's insides ached with guilt.
Because his child had tried to tell him something and he hadn't been able to read it. Should've read those blasted baby books when he had the blasted chance.
His hand closed around her little foot through the sock.
"Sorry," he mumbled. "I'm sorry, baby girl."
That's twice now he'd been sorry in less than 24 hours.
Story of my life, he thought tiredly. Asking people forgiveness.
He sniffed and rubbed his nose with the hem of the sweatshirt. She looked alright though, his young daughter. Content and pink-cheeked in Effie's safe embrace.
"You're a natural," he said but Effie shook her head.
"Not really. I've just had a lot of practice, that's all."
She cradled Amy's head with a mixture of sadness and joy. But when she looked at Haymitch she smiled.
"Why don't you say hi to Ian? He won't bite."
Their son lay on his back. He looked lonely without his sister. His chest rose and fell and Haymitch watched as those vulnerable hands opened and closed. Like waving hello.
With the greatest of care he rested his hand against his tummy. The baby stirred in response, screwed his face up and Haymitch immediately drew back. Ian pressed his hand into his cheek, lips pointing downward and gave one helpless cry that seared through Haymitch's heart like a knife's blade.
"He's crying," he said and tried not to sound as panicked as he felt. "I made him cry."
"Just touch him," said Effie. "Let him know you're there."
Sweat had broken out on Haymitch's forehead but he placed his hand on Ian's chest, patting it carefully. And the baby silenced. He moved about curiously and forced open his eyes, blinking, much like Haymitch did when the light felt too bright. He caressed him soothingly. Felt the beating heart against his palm.
"Just me," he murmured. "It's just me."
Before his courage crumbled he cupped Ian's head. Brushed his fingers against the tufts of strawberry blonde hair, peeking out the cap. Soft as a baby goose.
He didn't cry. He seemed to like being touched, at least as far as Haymitch could tell. His tiny arms reached out and ten little fingers tenderly explored Haymitch's wrist.
He swallowed and swallowed.
He was so little. So fragile. How Effie managed to hold either of them was a mystery. Just the thought of handling them sent shockwaves through his system.
But this he could do. He caressed the baby's cheek with the back of his fingers.
"Little 'un," he mumbled. "Little 'un."
xXx
The sun rose over the Capitol skyline, flooding the world with light.
With his back to the hospital, leaned against a pillar Haymitch sipped his mug of cheap coffee and watched a garbage truck roll in. The light may be painful but the mild air was a balm against his hot face.
Today dawned like all other days.
It was easier to think now, even with the headache. That's one good think about sobriety. Maybe the only one.
Two trash men hopped down from the truck and began emptying the litter bins by the entrance.
"Hey," said Haymitch and one of the men looked up. "What day's today?"
The man tied the black plastic bag and hoisted it up and out.
"August 11."
Haymitch nodded.
That made Amy and Ian's birthday the 10th of August.
Mustn't forget that.
He slurped his coffee, hot and strong, and watched the garbage truck drive off along its vast Capitol route.
I'm a dad. If he kept saying it maybe it would feel real. I'm someone's pa.
Ten minutes later he pushed inside Effie's room.
"They didn't have apple juice so I got you some orange instead." He stopped in his tracks. Effie wasn't alone.
"Hi, Mr. Haymitch!" Gracie beamed from the foot of the bed, dressed in Pallas Academy's dark pink tweed uniform with a matching hat on top.
He completely forgot all about her.
"Hey, kid."
The first well-wisher. Probably their only one.
Effie was just feeding Ian while Amy slept in the crib, full and satisfied. On the nightstand was a vase of bright yellow daffodils.
"They're my favorites," smiled Gracie.
Haymitch set the orange juice next to the flowers while the girl prattled on.
"I'm telling Ms. Effie all about how I came and found you. Everyone thought you left but I didn't, did I, Mr. Haymitch?"
Effie smiled at the child but there was no denying the troubled shadow that passed over her face as she listened.
Gracie looked curiously from Amy to Ian, like they were the most peculiar creatures in all of the Capitol.
"Who are they? What's their names?"
"Amy and Ian Trinket Abernathy," said Effie, unable to hide the pride in her voice.
Gracie looked to Haymitch.
"Will you take them back to District 12? Now that you're a family?" She grinned at Effie. "Rosamunde says he must really really like you or else he would never have returned to the Capitol when the war ended."
Effie exchanged an amused look with Haymitch and said,
"Thank you for the gorgeous flowers, Gracie dear, but you better hurry up now or you'll be late for school."
"Oh!" said Gracie with an eye on the clock. She jumped up from the bed. Gave a little wave of her hand as she shouldered the book bag.
"Bye, Ms. Effie! Bye, Mr. Haymitch! Bye babies!"
And she was gone.
Such a good kid, Haymitch thought. I'll just add her to the laundry list of people I feel guilty about.
He sunk into the armchair next to Effie and Ian. His head throbbed but that was not what ailed him. It was something else. Like unfinished business, being re-woken by Gracie's words.
"Thank you for the orange juice."
"Eff!"
She blinked at the sudden desperation in his voice. He clasped her hand that wasn't holding Ian. Clutched it.
"What's the matter?"
There were so many things on his mind, he didn't even know where to start.
"I…" His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. Laced their fingers together, like in the olden days. "It's just… I've been thinking. 'bout you. 'bout them. 'bout everything."
And so he said the words which had been simmering in his mind on and off during all of this long and stressful night.
"Buy the house."
"What?"
"I heard you and Annabel talk about it. And I mean it. It's the best thing that could've happened. I didn't always think so but I do now. Buy the house. Make it their home."
It was very quiet after he finished. Effie's gaze dropped to Ian. Her words were barely audible when she spoke,
"You know I'd go with you. All you need to do is ask."
He covered her hand with his other one. Didn't avert his gaze.
"Effs, look at me."
She looked at him. Her eyes were shiny.
"I've wanted to bring you back to Twelve from the moment I found out you were pregnant. That's the God's honest truth. I still want to take you home but… Effs, it won't work. I've been thinking it over and over in my head. It just won't work. I don't ever want them to see me the way I was last night. Never again. So it's better if we live apart. Better for them."
Effie's eyes were brimming with tears. She drew a breath to keep them from spilling over.
"You will come visit, won't you?"
"Course I will. Of course. All the time."
"You were gone. I woke and you were gone."
"Won't happen again. I swear it. I'll never do that to either of you. We're in this together. We're a team, yeah?"
Effie smiled through the tears.
"You won't stand a life in the Capitol. Even a part-time life."
"I would. I'd do it for you. For them." He brought their intertwined fingers to his lips and kissed her knuckles. "My house will always be your home, just as much as mine. And Twelve will always be there. We can go there whenever we feel like it. See Katniss, Peeta, Sae. All of them."
Effie nodded.
"I'd like that."
Ian moved against her chest and she looked to him again, adjusted him so he'd feel more comfortable.
We'll make this work, she thought. I'll make this work.
Author's note: This chapter was fun to write! I hope you enjoyed reading it. And if you know which person shares Amy and Ian's birthday on the 10t of August you're an EPIC nerd and can come sit next to me. ;)
