She stared blankly at the stack of folders on her desk. She kept the door to her office closed today, and the blinds drawn. The intention wasn't to keep anyone out, but instead a feeble attempt to keep her focus in. Closing off her office prevented her eyes from wandering from the stack of files she needed to be sifting though, looking for their next case, and down to the bullpen, where the person she had come to consider her best friend, and perhaps even her soulmate sat. She remembered the night they had saved him often; well, in reality he had saved himself. There were a number of reasons, she thought, that she always seemed to come back to that. The obvious reason would be because it was the worse few days of her life, aside from when she lost Rosalyn. When Spencer had been kidnapped she felt something in her shift, and it has never quite been the same since. Perhaps the reason, is because when they found him in that graveyard, and they held each other as if they never would again, and perhaps they wouldn't. That was the last time J.J. Had hugged her friend and fellow agent, and at no choice of her own. Since leaving the hospital and coming back to work, Spencer had taken on a cold exterior. The usually upbeat, talkative young man was now quiet, and stoic.
J.J. Had found it hard to speak with him, especially since last week. A good humored jest she had aimed at him had earned her a tongue lashing when Reid responded only with "You know you really just aren't that funny Jennifer". That was the only time he'd called her Jennifer recently, and it did nothing to give her the warm feeling she had come to associate with him using her full name. In the past, he had only done that on occasion, when they would be out to coffee, or when she was driving him home after a case. The way it rolled off of his tongue made it feel like she was being told a secret that was only for her. How could she not have realized sooner? She asked herself this question on a near constant loop. She had come to realize her feelings for Spencer only after he was kidnapped, and now there was nothing she could do with them. She didn't know if it would have made a difference had she realized earlier or not. Romantic relationships in the bureau were rare, and for good reasons. They tend to interfere with the team dynamic within a unit, and J.J. Was not sure if had she realized her feelings sooner if she would have had the courage to act on them.
In a stroke of determination, she rose from her seat, and decided there was no reason she should be hiding in her office. This wasn't her, and this wasn't them. She strode down the staircase without giving herself time to think and walked up behind Dr. Reid, ruffling his hair, as she had done dozens if not hundreds of times before. He jumped, startled by the physical contact. He turned and looked at her, without much emotion on his face. She took in his appearance. He looked pale, more so than usual, which was impressive for him. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to have become a permanent fixture, but she couldn't judge that too harshly; sleep didn't come easily for her either nowadays. "Coffee?" She asked him, raising her eyebrows and nodding towards the small kitchenette near the bullpen. He surprised both himself and her when he began to rise to his feet, nodding, and smiling ever so slightly. They walked over and J.J. Pulled the used filter out of the coffee pot, carefully disposing of it in the trash, while Spencer reached into the cabinet above to grab a new filter and coffee grounds. Jennifer reached to her right and grabbed the sugar, because while she liked her coffee with only a little cream, she knew Spencer needed about half of his cup filled with sugar to make the coffee palatable to him. The familiar routine felt so right. They had done this same thing countless many times before, and the familiarity seemed to slightly thaw things between the two agents, them both warming at something so mundane. And then it happened.
Spencer reached for the sugar dispenser that J.J. Was holding out to him and the sleeve of his dress shirt, rolled up to mid-forearm, pulled back just another two inches, revealing a small wound, surrounded by a reddish colored bruise. J.J. Gasped quietly before she could help herself, and immediately realized what she had done. Spencers face went blank, cold. "Ya know what, I'll just get a cup after it's done", he said in a rushed monotone, before he turned and walked towards the bathrooms. J.J. Was frozen, still holding the sugar in her extended hand. She felt a wave of nausea hit her as the tears welled up into her eyes. She couldn't break down here, and she knew it, but her feet were frozen to the ground.
It was at that moment that Agent Gideon walked by, and noticed her standing there, appearing stunned. As he followed her gaze, he saw Spencer just as he walking into the men's room. Gideon quickly wrapped an arm around the young woman's shoulder, quietly, he said "Come with me". He led her to his office where he softly closed the door and sat her down on the couch. He sat beside her as the tears began to fall from her eyes, her porcelain skin becoming a blotchy red. He reached for a box of tissues nearly when he heard her let out a sob. The two words she was able to choke out, were "His arm!".
While J.J. Had heard the whisperings of those suspecting that Dr. Reid had become addicted to the Dilaudid that Tobias Henkel had injected into his veins by force, she had refused to believe it. He was traumatized, she told herself. Anyone who had been in his situation was bound to have residual effects, behavior changes. Reid would never turn to drugs. Not him, not her Spence. She was able to look the other way, and justify his behavior, until now that is. The senior agent on the other hand, now sitting behind her, was under no such delusions. The young man for whom he cared for like a son, perhaps even, more than his own son, was in a state not unknown to Gideon. Gideon had been handling this quietly, and while Hotch was also well aware, he had agreed, hesitantly, to let Gideon handle the younger agent on his own. Gideon knew the demons he was battling and was helping Spencer work through them, in ways Spencer himself may not have recognized. He was almost to rock bottom, but he wasn't there yet, and Gideon knew that would be the turning point. And today, he thought, may have been that time. He rubbed circles onto J.J.s back as she wept into her hands, occasionally grabbing a tissue to blow her nose into. As her sobs subsided he said to her "I know. I know, and I'm handling it." "How can you be handling it?!" She nearly shouted at him. "He's nothing like himself! This isn't him! He's…gone…." She trailed off. Unlike J.J. And Spencer themselves, Jason Gideon had long ago realized the special bond between the two, and he recognized immediately the toll this had taken on her. "He's not gone" he said quietly "He's just a little lost." He sighed. "I'm watching him Jennifer, and I won't give up on him, but perhaps for now you need to give him some space.". She watched him silently as tears continued to fall from her eyes. "What do you mean Gideon? He's hardly spoken to me since he came back.". Gideon took a deep breath before continuing. "I know that you and Reid are close. I know the way you depend on each other. But I also know how he feels about you. And knowing that means that I know you are the last person he wants to see him at his lowest. He's not well right now, and it will only do worse for his mental state to know you're watching him. As hard as it may be, it may be time to love him from afar for a while". She looked wide-eyed at him. "Yes, I know." He said. "Can't fool an old profiler. But I promise your secret is safe with me." J.J. Closed her eyes, and let her tears continue to fall, until they were all out, so she could leave the office of her supervisor, and return to her duties, while leaving a piece of her heart lying somewhere in the BAU, trying to keep on beating.
Spencer stared at his reflection in the mirror, behind the locked door. He stared at his gaunt face, he stared at his arms, sleeves now rolled up entirely, and felt nothing but hatred and self-loathing. While he thought he had been able to push aside the feeling he had for J.J. The shocked expression on her face made him realize otherwise. Not only was he a drug addict, but he had just been caught by the woman he loved. He ground his teeth together, as the thought hat he just ruined any relationship he would have ever had with J.J. Overtook his mind. His intellect, once thought to be a blessing, he now considered a curse. His own mind had turned on him, and the once optimistic young man was able to see and think of nothing but doom. He pulled the vial from his pocket, along with a small syringe. As he felt the familiar sting, a tear ran down his face.
What have I become, my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt.
I will let you down, I will make you hurt.
