I sag in the backseat of the jeep, shoulders curled inwards and am vaguely aware of the green blurs outside and the dawn which slowly approaches.
Andrea's dead. So's Patricia. Fairly certain Shane's gone. Nausea grips me, and there's a sharp pain in the back of my throat that makes it difficult to swallow. I focus on things outside, inside is too much. We pass a small table with cans of food on it and a sign which reads ' Soph Loz, stay here. We will return.'
"Look, there's the others," Glenn mumbles, as his grip on the wheel tightens.
He parks by another vehicle and we stumble out.
Once my eyes land on Rick, the dam bursts and the sobs come. But he's there in moments, my name on his lips and he clutches me to his chest. He buries his head into the crook of my neck and his body shudders.
Another pair of arms wraps around my waist and a smaller body latches on. I shift so that Carl's in my embrace and his shaking form is held tightly against me. When I finally get a look at him, his eyes are shining and his smile is wobbly.
I smother him with kisses and lightly hold his face in my hands as I look him over. "Are you alright?"
He nods.
Soph appears behind Carl, her pale face matted with dirt, sweat and a bit of blood. "Lozzie."
I reach for her and give her the same treatment. Rick's hand soothes as he rubs my back and peppers the top of my head with kisses. I lean into him and can feel my heart and anxiety calm a little.
"Where's D?" Daryl's voice demands.
I turn to him. "What!"
"Where's D?"
Chills creep down my spine and a heavy weight settles in my chest. "With you."
He shakes his head fiercely. "I sent her to a car."
We glare each other down, eyes narrowed, a snarl on his face, a sneer on mine.
"She's gone." Amy rubs her eyes, and her arms wraps around her body, as if to hold it together. "Like Andrea," tears cascade down her face and she weeps.
I tense and step back from the others, "No! She's not, 'cause she's with Daryl!"
"I sent her to a car," he repeats quietly.
"Did you make sure she got on!" I watch as he turns his head, a pained expression etched onto his dirty face. I glower murderously at him, then turn to Rick. "I'm going back."
"No," Rick's manner turns dark. "There's nothing there anymore."
I scowl at him, tormented on whether to ignore him — and disrespect his authority — or to accept the answer. "She's my sister," I choke out. "I can't lose her."
"I won't lose you!"
Daryl snorts as he lifts his crossbow to his shoulder. "I will."
I nod to myself and nudge Sophia towards Carl. "Not without me." I duck away from Rick's grasp to follow Daryl.
A large beefy hand grips mine and Daryl's upper arms. "Don't fuckin' think so," Merle snarls, a tick in his left eye as he pushes me to Rick. "Control yer damn woman, Sheriff."
"Get yer goddamn hands off me, Merle," Daryl shoves his brother away.
Rick drags me over to the rest, Carl and Sophia stand either side of me, as though to play warden. A hesitant Daryl and a stoic Merle have the rear. The sun starts to rise properly and if it were any other time, I'd have thought it beautiful. But with my best friend AWOL and Rick upset with me, it's not such a good time.
"We can't stay here." Hershel's bloodshot eyes are slightly red rimmed, and his normally clear and authoritative tone is subdued. "It'll only be a matter of time before they finds us."
Rick's face is pinched, lips pressed closed and his jaw clenched. I wind my arms around his waist and press my cheek to his chest. He wraps his arms around me, and places a kiss to my head.
I sniff faintly. "Sorry."
Rick breathes out and lifts my head, placing a chaste kiss on my lips. He caresses my cheek and smiles gently.
"We can't stay here," Hershel repeats, his gaze back towards his farm.
T- Dog looks around at everyone. "We could go west."
"As long as we keep away from main roads and main cities," Carol adds.
"Nah, really?" Merle mocks.
Carol's eyes narrow and blaze. "Yes."
I unwrap my arms from Rick. "We could go to Canada."
A few mouths go slack, eyes bore into my face and a couple of them shake their head at me — as though the silly child made a half-baked comment. Obviously the American's still have issues with their neighbours. Who knew?
"How about someone make a suggestion which isn't ridiculous," Lori scoffs.
I frown. "It's not ridiculous. It makes a lot of sense."
"How'd ya figure that, Red?" Merle sneers.
"Well," I size them up and shrug. "What's actually wrong with the suggestion?"
"Its too far," Lori states slowly.
I fight the urge to slap her. "It's not far. Two to four days driving." I look around at everyone's interested expression. "If we keep to the highways we can siphon out gas and scavenge. If we go through back roads and miss the cities we can avoid the worst of the dead."
Glen rubs his arms. "It gets cold up there."
"You can keep warm, I'm sure we can acquire clothes," I manage to suppress the desire to roll my eyes. Seriously, they sound like I'm asking for the impossible. We'll be safer from the dead up there.
"It's too cold," Lori mimics Glenn.
I scowl at her. "It's doable. Muscles seize and stiffen when cold. Without an ability to make energy and keep muscles warm — which the dead can't do — we'll be safer."
Lori fold her arms over her chest. "It's still too cold."
This time I don't curb the eye roll. "Lori, think, will you. We have brains, cognitive thoughts, an ability to problem solve, we will be fine. Hell, I survived camping for weeks in the cold." I throw my hands up and walk away.
"No one can," Lori calls back.
"It does seem pretty impossible," Amy agrees softly.
I turn back and for a brief moment imagine slugging them across the face. "Canada is the answer."
"Not it isn't."
"Enough." Rick shouts. "We will decide where to go later, right now we have to move from whatever is left of the horde."
As everyone packs the vehicles with what they have — which isn't much — and take back the food which was left over from when Soph and I were gone, I gaze into the woods. The sun has risen and is now cresting over the trees, and as the light creeps over shadows, birds begin to wake.
"This is wrong," I murmur. "We can't leave, D's still out there."
"We can't stay though," Rick's voice catches my attention.
Tears well, then slowly fall. "But it's D."
His arms circle my waist and his head nestles into the crook of my shoulder. "We won't go far, just away from where this horde is," he places kisses onto my neck. "We have to sort out where to go."
"I still say Canada," I mumble and turn my head and capture his lips.
"I know." He pulls away unwillingly, and guides me to the vehicles.
Rick drives the jeep, with Carol in the back — cuddling with Soph and Carl — while I'm up in the front. I think I saw the rest climb into the RV. Apart from Merle and Daryl; they have the truck. Nausea takes hold as we pull away. What if D's close by? What if I never see her again? No. D will be fine. Hell, if I can do it, so can she. She actually has survival training, from the Survival Master. And it's not like we've NEVER talked about where we should go if we had to leave the farm.
"Canada," Lauren declares confidently as she and D head for their spot on the porch.
D rolls her eyes and helps settle the red head's sprained ankle. "I'm not surprised."
"It's perfect."
The brunette snorts. "Why, cause it's Canada?" she sticks her tongue out.
"Exactly."
"Seriously Loz. If Hershel doesn't let us stay, cause you know — Shane," D mumbles the last part. "Where do you think the best place to go is?"
"Seriously D," I mimic. "Canada."
"Why, if I may be so bold to ask?" D raises an eyebrow.
"The cold will mess with the dead. They're all muscle — meat — there's no energy to them, we make our own, we keep our own body warm with the energy we create by living. Since they can't do that, what happens to them?" Lauren asks, as she crosses her arms and smirks.
D blinks at Lauren, "Uh, their muscles seize?"
"And?"
"Er — they — don't move?"
"Damn straight."
"But we'd freeze."
Lauren shrugs. "So, we wear more and cuddle often."
D snorts. "You just want a reason to get into bed with Rick."
"D!" Lauren shrieks as she waves her hands about. "Shut up!" her hands cover her face. "What is wrong with you?"
"Me? You're the one who wants to sleep wit…"
Lauren leans over and slaps a hand over D's mouth. "No body else has to know."
D laughs, a bright smile lighting up her features. It dulls a little and a sigh escapes. "But honestly..."
"It'll work," the red head implores. "It worked for me."
"When?"
"When you have a father who takes you camping in the wrong season."
D rubs at her cheek, her brows furrowed and mouth gapes slightly. "How do...when would...What the hell?"
Lauren rolls her eyes with a fond smile. "That's a story for another day."
"...so Canada?" D parrots a little more interested.
"If there's ever a chance, Canada is the place to go."
"Darling," a familiar gruff voice penetrates my dream. "Come on, wake up, Darling."
My eyes flutter open and Rick gazes down at me from the open passenger door. "Rick?"
"We've stopped."
The memory of D and I, the realisation we're on the road and vulnerable and my best friend could be lost forever, hits me. The tears flow again.
"Darling?" His hand wipes away the tears.
"It's nice to wake up to you," I manage and bring his head down to kiss.
Our mouths slant over each other, and I grip his hair. One of his hands is planted on my waist and the other grips my neck to hold me in place. It may have started sweet, but it turns desperate. I try to pull him closer, the need to forget where we are, why we're here and who's not, is too strong.
We pull away and gasp for air, eyes locked on one another. I can't help but thank every deity I can think of for this man. I'd not be the woman I am today if not for his strength.
I can continue on. I will. And I will not abandon my sister.
"Darling?"
"I'm so thankful for you Rick. Bless you," I murmur and bring him down for a gentler kiss.
He reluctantly pulls away, but presses our foreheads together. "You mean the world to me. I can't go on without you." It's quiet, for only a brief moment before he chuckles.
"What?" I pul back a little more.
"It was a good thing I told Carol to take the kids."
I feel my face heat and gaze to the back seats to see it empty. Wow. That could have been bad. Though I can't help but giggle a little. "Oh the poor kids would have been scarred for life."
There's a wicked glint in his eyes. "Bit of an exaggeration."
"I almost devoured you," I bury my head into his chest.
I feel him press his lips to my head. "I could show you devouring."
I gasp and push him back. "Rick Grimes, control yourself," I peel off into laughter.
When I calm down, he's watching me with a particularly weird expression, whatever it is it's mixed in with fondness and dare I say ... love?
