It has been a long, long time since I last posted anything. Life. You know how it goes. I have always said I have not given up on this and that I will finish it. And I will. It may not be a fast finish, but I have never forgotten about this. I do need to let you know this has not been Beta read, I think I got all the grammar and spelling mistakes, but if not. Apologies. For those that still read this, for any new readers or those that have favourited and liked the story or have reviewed. Thank you so much. The reason I have not given up on this, is because of you. Whether you keep reading or not, is up to you, but I want to thank you for your time and wish you all the best.
I wake with a huff and a groan which morphs into a yawn. My eyes are on Daryl and I observe her as she sleeps. I blink a few times to keep the tears at bay, memorizing this feeling. Having D back is the best I've felt in a while. The only issue ruining this is the distance between Rick and me. My fault and something I need to figure out.
"Morning."
I turn to the voice, Michonne is sitting up and gazing outside the window. "Morning."
"Shh." D grumbles as she rolls over. "Sleep."
I grin at her and shift to throw my leg over hers and snuggle into her side. "Morning Sister."
"No, could you not? It sounds, religious."
"But Sister Chinnary, I am but a humble servant."
She raises an eyebrow and scoffs. "Since when are you humble? And if you are 'but a humble servant' then I demand you talk to Rick."
My smile wavers as I close my eyes, pulling in a deep breath and slowly letting it out. "You're going there already?"
"Look, I may not know all of what happened, but I know the gist of it, and Rick is never going to let you do anything to risk your life."
"I wasn't going to leave you." I open my eyes and swallow thickly, gripping the sheet in my hands.
"I know." She takes my hand and squeezes it. "Not once, nor ever, will I think you have abandoned me, or you will never look or wait till the last possible moment. This was a journey I was always going to have to make on my own." She cranes her neck to look at Michonne, who's doing her best to seem ignorant to our chat, "Well, without help from the family at least. I was sent an angel with Mich."
I twist to look at the woman and I'm pretty sure she's blushing. However, considering how dark her skin tone is, I doubt anyone will ever know and she's studiously looking away from us. With one last look at Michonne, I curl back into Daryl, "I like to think no one has to do this without their family."
"But the point is...you're so worried about everyone else you don't look out for yourself."
"Nah-uh, I don't worry about everyone."
"Lozzie, you've been miserable and I know it's not only because of me."
I rub my face. "I miss him."
"He misses you." Michonne adds. "I may not be a part of this group and know all the dynamics yet, but he needs you."
"Don't let Lori take him away." D whispers.
"He doesn't want anything to do with her," Michonne states, "pregnant or not. But he is unhappy without you."
"Everyone can see it." D nods. "And you're no better."
"I miss him." I sniff. "I know he was being pressured to move. We're beginning to attract more and more dead. We've been here so long the area is being saturated with our scent. But I couldn't leave without you, so Daryl and I made the decision to go after you. Rick didn't like it."
"Yeah, we could guess." D murmurs.
I huff a laugh. "I was furious he wasn't going to let me look for you. I was angry when he came after me, to stop me." I hug D with tears brimming again. "I'm sad this whole situation happened in the first place. I miss him so much but don't know how to go about fixing this."
"Tell him that." Michonne stresses.
I nod, "Yeah, I can try."
"No. Not try. Do."
I frown at her. "You're bit bossy, aren't you?"
She does not reply.
I move to sit against the headboard. "We also need talk to everyone about where we're going to go from here."
"I thought we're going to Canada?" D follows suit.
Michonne moves so she's fully facing the two of us. "Canada?"
"Yeah, I've theorized the dead won't be able to function as well in the cold. They're basically all muscle and muscles seize in cold and can't move as well. I think they'll be slower, if they can move at all and my family has a cabin up by Black Lake, in Saskatchewan. It's a long way to go. I know, but if we start going North, we can see if my theory is right or not."
Michonne nods and crawls out of bed. "I'll see you out there then."
We watch her leave the RV.
"Is the cabin even there?"
I clear my throat; eyes darting around the room and change the grip on the sheets to clutching and squeezing my own hands. "I don't know."
"Lozzie."
"We still haven't figured out why, or how this happened. We don't know if our families are ours or if they don't exist at all. We know nothing!"
D visibly swallows and blinks a few times. "I don't think we ever will."
With too many feelings for one morning and questions which may never be answered, we make a plan for the day. Mine mainly consists of avoiding Rick. I refuse to have the first time I talk to him to be near other people. It's going to be emotional; it's going to be messy. Something I don't want other people to see. Once darkness hits I go in search of Rick. Carol agreed to have Carl tonight, I don't want him around when Rick and I have our heart to heart. Daryl's on lookout, his brother keeping him company, although seems more like the Hunter is sulking than anything else. Maybe with Michonne around he'll see what he could be giving up by not giving himself fully to D.
I don't even need to knock on the window of the Cherokee before Rick is sitting up and opening the door. It's quiet as I climb inside. He's put the back seats down to give more of a bed look. More room.
"I'm sorry." I whisper as the tears spill.
He pulls me into his arms. "Lauren."
"I wanted to support you, show a united front." I sniff and cling to him. "But I was so scared we were never going to find D, that no one was going to look for her, like we did Sophia. Then I got angry, because how could I leave her when she needed me."
"I'm not angry." He tilts my head and stares deeply into my eyes, using the pads of his thumb to wipe away the tears.
"I didn't want to hurt you." I murmur staring into his eyes.
He presses a kiss to my head. "It's alright." He presses his forehead to mine. "I was scared you wouldn't return or something would happen. Worse, you'd come back as one of the dead and I'd have to deal with it."
I can't help the smirk, "You can always have Lori do it, I'm sure she'd love to shoot me. Zombie or not."
He pulls back and gives me a stern look but the twinkle in his eyes belies how he feels. "I'd rather she didn't."
I sigh and curl into him. "I've missed you so much."
"Me too."
"I don't know how to have made this different." I slip my hand into his and pull it into my lap. "Every time I think on it, I can't see how to change the outcome. I will always choose to search for D and…"
"We made it through this one." Rick half shrugs.
I scoff. "Not without suffering for it."
He brushes his lips over my head. "We're going to have moments where we have to work at it. You do need more than love to make a relationship work. Commitment, perseverance and communication. With all of that we can make it through anything."
I cringe. "And to think it wasn't too long ago I was preaching better communication between us."
He chuckles. "Proves you aren't perfect."
"Ha! I've never been perfect, hell, some days it's all I can do to keep it together."
"You've been doing well so far."
"Fake it till you make it, it's a great motto for a reason." I crane my head to place a kiss to his neck. "But I always had you to spend my night with and feel better."
"You always will."
"I like that, thank you."
"It's the truth."
I pull back and run a hand through his hair, gazing into his eyes. "And you will always have me. I'm sorry about…"
Rick leans in and brushes his lips over mine. Softly at first, then with pressure and his tongue swipes at my bottom lip. I let the tension I've been holding go and grant him access. All I can do is melt against him. He pulls me closer, until I'm on his lap, arms around his neck and pressed against him.
He gently pulls back and leans his forehead against mine. "I'm not mad. I'm not even angry or disappointed. I just missed you."
A knock on the window has us both turning to see Carl. He's biting his lip, pushing his hair out of his face and shuffling his feet. Rick opens the door and we move around until we're laying down with Carl between us.
"You okay son?"
"I saw Lozzie come over and was hoping you two made up." He snuggles closer to me. "But from what I saw, I'm going to say you did."
"Oh Carl." I huff a small laugh and pull him tighter against me. "I'm sorry, I had so many intense emotions."
"I know. You wanted to find D and dad didn't want you out there. You were both scared."
"You're pretty on to it, aren't you?"
His reply is a grunt.
I press a kiss to his head. "We're okay, your father and I."
"You're not going to leave me…us, are you?"
"No Sweetie, I'm not going to leave either of you. We're going to stick together no matter what."
"Okay." I raise my gaze to Rick. "No matter what, I am behind you. Whatever you decide."
"I know." He smiles, leaning to place a kiss on my lips. "Thank you." He places a kiss on Carl's head before sinking into the makeshift bed.
