Eric Cartman furiously scratched at his bathing suit area as the rest of the fourth grade chatted amongst themselves.

"Quit scratching yourself down there, dude. It's gross," Kyle reprimanded, while Stan and Kenny looked visibly disgusted.

"I can't help it. It started itching since Monday and I don't know why," the obese boy angrily retorted.

"Whatever dude, maybe the nurse can check it out when you go in for your physical," Stan suggested.

Since it was Thursday, it was the fourth grade's turn to line up outside of the nurse's office for the annual routine that the obese boy grew to hate. Even though the examination only lasted a few minutes, it made the boy feel like shit for the rest of the day, even more than he already did.

"Dude, what if I have Herpes?" Cartman thought aloud to himself, an idea that wasn't too far out there considering both his mom and Kenny had gotten Herpes, but then again, he wasn't a dirty slut like either of them.

"I mean, Herpes isn't the worst way to die," Kenny remarked, a sentiment that did nothing to soothe anyone in the group.

"Hey fellers," Butters interrupted the group's discussion about Herpes as he exited the nurse's office. "Guess what? I grew 2 inches since last year! Isn't that cool?"

"Butters, no one gives a damn about your height. I see you every fucking day, you think I don't know how tall you are? Besides, I have bigger things to worry about, I might have Herpes!" Cartman snapped at the beaming blonde, his joy quickly evaporating before heading to the back of the line.

"Eric Cartman," Nurse Gollum called from her office as Token Black walked out of her office. Cartman groaned aloud before walking into the small orange room with a lone medical examination bed. He wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible.

"Hello Eric. How are you feeling this morning?" Nurse Gollum politely asked the boy. Pretty shitty, thank you for asking.

"I'm okay," Cartman grumbled to the woman, actively trying to avoid making direct eye contact with the dead fetus on the side of her head.

"That's good to hear. Why don't you take your shoes and coat off before stepping on the scale?" The ten year old reluctantly complied before gently stepping on the scale. The overweight boy resisted the urge to shut his eyes as the digital scanner calculated his weight, the numbers racing between 60 to 90.

"Okay it says, 95 pounds. It looks like you gained 5 pounds since last school year," Nurse Gollum sympathetically remarked as she scribbled the number down on her clipboard. The boy groaned as he got off the scale and walked over to the wall to get his height measured.

"Well hey now, here's some good news," the nurse cheerfully chirped to the boy's disdain. "It looks like you grew an inch and a half since last spring."

"Okay," Cartman replied, uninterested by the news.

"Alright then," the nurse sighed in response, "is there anything else you would like to ask or show me before you leave."

"Nah, not really," he said, lightly scratching his pants to try and alleviate some of the itchiness in his nether regions.

"Um, how long have you been experiencing itchiness in the area near your genitals?"

"I don't know, since Monday. There are these dots below my stomach and above my fireman," Cartman answered, never ceasing his scratching.

"Oh my, that sounds like something I should examine," she voiced aloud before asking the fourth grader to slightly pull down his pants.

"I think it might be Herpes. My Myem has it and she's always scratching herself down there."

"Eric, Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease that you are either born with or catch. I doubt you have Herpes," she chided the boy as he unzipped his pants. When Nurse Gollum finally glanced below the boy's beltline, a surprised expression took over her face.

"Wow, I've never seen this on a boy this young."

"I knew it! I do have Herpes," Cartman exclaimed.

"You don't have Herpes," the Nurse breathlessly replied before looking him in the eye, "you've started developing pubic hair."

"Pubic hair?" Cartman said confused before a realization struck him, "you mean pubes?!"

"That's another way of putting it." A rush of adrenaline and surprise swirled inside the boy, he felt like a shaken soda that was ready to burst.

"You're telling me I have pubes! Like actual pubes, not fake ones you buy from some ginger!"

"Yes…" a visible disturbed Nurse Gollum replied.

"Oh my God," a bug eyed Cartman said while a concerned Nurse Gollum put a hand on his shoulder.

"I know it might seem scary to be one of the first boys in your grade to develop, but just know that everyone begins puberty at their own pace and that it's nothing to be asham-" Nurse Gollum suddenly realized that the fourth grade boy was no longer in front of her and she turned her head to see him standing in the doorway.

"Kahl, guess what?! I got pubes before you did!" Cartman excitedly exclaimed in front of the entire fourth grade with a pointed finger at an astonished Kyle Broflovski.

"Oh boy," Nurse Gollum nervously contemplated before calling the next kid into her office.


Today had hands down been the greatest day of Eric Cartman's life. All the fourth grade boys including some non-fourth graders showered him with attention, all of them amazed that a boy from their school had managed to develop pubes. Even Kyle, the sociopath's long time adversary, had to admit that he was impressed. It was a narcissist's wet dream. In the eyes of Cartman, the only day that could be considered greater than this one would be when Kyle Broflovski would suck his balls. It wasn't a question of if, but when.

"Oh, Scott," Cartman sweetly announced as he strode into his house to see his older half-brother sprawled out on the couch.

"What do you want piggie?" he responded, his eyes never looking up from the t.v.

"Now, now, Scott, I would watch my language if I were you. If you have to call me anything, call me man because that's what I am." Scott scrunched up his face and glanced up from the daytime program he was watching to see his younger brother grinning.

"Did you smoke some of your mom's crack or something?"

"Better, today I had a physical exam at school and the nurse said I had pubes!" Cartman exclaimed. The brunette gave his brother a shit eating grin as he waited for his response, would he be surprised, impressed, or better yet intimidated? For a brief moment, a silence filled the space between the two brothers and just when Cartman thought he saw a shocked expression on Scott's, the teen shrugged it off before changing the channel.

"Huh, didn't you hear me? I said I have pubes," Cartman nervously chuckled.

"Yeah, I heard you. So what?" the redhead rebuffed. The teen's blasé response to such a momentous occasion in the sociopath's life triggering something inside of him.

"Oh, I get you. You think I'm lying. Well, too bad for you Tenorman, because this time I'm actually telling the truth. See?"

"See what, JESUS ERIC!" Scott looked away in horror and disgust from his brother's exposed pubic bone.

"I will not be ignored Scott. You will acknowledge that I have pubes and that they're pretty kwel," the scowling boy demanded.

"Dude, pull your pants up. I don't want to see my brother's pubic hair!"

"Why? You had no problem showing and selling your pubic hair to your half-brother?"

"I didn't know you were my brother!" Scott yelled.

"I'm not pulling my pants up until you see them for yourself," Cartman cooly responded.

"Damnit Cartman!" the fifteen year old cursed before reluctantly lowering his arms and looking over at his brother. In a matter of seconds, the teen's face transformed from one of disgust to realization.

"See asshole? I told you I have pubes. It may have taken me several months, but now I finally have pubes of my own."

"Uh Eric, you know what color they are, right?"

"Heh, huh?" Cartman's confident smile slipped off his face when he realized that he himself did not know what color his pubes were. In response, the two dumbly stared at one another before the boy lifted his stomach and actually examined the hairs for himself. The brunette squinted down at the hairs before a look of utter horror engulfed his face.

Cartman quickly pulled his pants up. This cannot be happening to me, not me. The brunette numbly sat down on the couch next to Scott, trying to ignore the reality of his situation.

"So, what're you watching?" The brunette sheepishly asked Scott who was still staring at him in disbelief.

"Are you just going to pretend like your pubes aren't red?" Scott questioned, a smile beginning to creep upon his lips.

"They aren't that red, okay!" the brunette snapped at his brother, "it's just a bit copper, that's all.'' Cartman's eyes darted from the t.v. to Scott and he could see he was now the one with the shit eating grin.

"Quit smiling asshole!"

"You don't have to be ashamed in front of me, little brother. You're half brunette and half ginger, just like me, you just happen to have the reverse of what I got," Scott cackled as Cartman fumed.

"Augh, what the hell am I going to do when I have to shower after P.E. Everyone's going to see that I'm a ginger!" Cartman began to whimper. The teen ceased his laughter when he heard his younger brother beginning to cry deciding that he had his fun.

"Hey," Scott nudged Cartman to quit crying, "it's not that bad, okay? When your pubes get wet, they get dark like the hair on your head. Your pubes are close enough to brown that people won't be able to tell the difference until it's too late." Cartman wiped back a tear and stared at the ninth grader in disbelief.

"What is your endgame?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, what are you getting out of helping me? You hate me." The duo sat in silence together for several minutes with the exception of the screaming from the Maury Povich show blaring through the speakers.

"I don't hate you…"

"Huh?" The fourth grader jerked his head to the right to look at Scott.

"I admit, I used to hate you. For a long time after you killed my parents, all I thought about was how much I hated you and how I wanted to get back at you. I wanted you to be in as much pain as I was. But now, I don't have the energy to hate you. Even though I want to, I don't hate you. Not like I used to." The fourth grader stared at the older boy. In all the time they had known one another, the brunette had never noticed how tired the teen looked. Dark circles curved around his eyes like crescent moons, the same moon that he would stare at the many nights he couldn't sleep.

"Well, if you don't hate me, how do you feel about me?" Cartman curiously asked. Scott broke eye contact with the t.v. and the two met each other's gaze.

"It depends. Sometimes I'm annoyed, amused, frustrated, and other times I'm just pissed. Maybe a combination of two or more at the same time. Above all else, however, I feel sad."

"Sad?" Cartman dumbly repeated. Sadness was something that he was himself was intimately familiar with, something few people would assume about the normally angry, loud mouthed boy. Cartman looked his half-brother in the eye and saw that everything he had said was true. Scott wasn't angry, he just looked exhausted and depressed.

"When I was institutionalized, I had to attend a lot of boring group therapies. During one of them, I learned that anger is a secondary emotion or a reactionary response to a primary emotion. I..." Scott sighed, "for a long time I blamed you for why my life was so crappy, never bothering to look at myself and take responsibility for my role in my parents." Scott and Cartman both stared down at their shoes as the conversation turned uncomfortable. "Look, I'm not saying that what you did wasn't wrong or that it is all my fault, but I would be deluding myself if I thought that I didn't have anything to do with you deciding to do what you did." Is he really going to do what I think he's going to do, Eric wondered in his head as Scott gathered the courage to continue his speech.

"Eric, I'm sorry I scammed you out of $10 by selling you my pubes. I'm sorry I tricked you out of another $6.12 when I promised you I would give you a refund. I'm sorry I told you to go to Fort Collins because there was a Pube Fair."

"Scott..."

"I'm sorry I had you oink like a pig, videotaped it, and then broadcasted it in front of a crowd of people."

"Scott," Cartman repeated louder, but Scott was too lost in his own thoughts to notice.

"I'm sorry I put my pubes in the chili you were supposed to eat at the Chili Con Carnival and most of all, I'm sorry I burned your money in front of you even after all the rotten stuff I put you through." Tears that he had been storing for months streamed down his freckled cheeks, his words becoming more and more incoherent. "My parents are dead and it's all because I tortured you for my sick amusement. What kind of sick fuck sells their pubes to their little brother?"

"SCOTT!" Cartman screamed as he grabbed the teenager by his shoulders, "I'm not mad, so you can quit crying, pussy." The ninth grader, however, had a hard time controlling his emotions, the toll of his deeds weighing heavily on him as he gasped for air.

"Scott," Cartman tried to speak, but found that his voice had failed him as well. The fourth grader bit his bottom lip to keep his emotions in check and took a deep breath. "Forget it man, we both acted like a bunch of assholes and there's nothing we can do about it now." The teen wiped his pale, tear stained face and finally calmed down.

"Sorry. Do you just want to watch some t.v.?"

"Yeah, that would be kwel," Cartman tentatively agreed as the two of them awkwardly watched men jumping up and down and women crying when the paternity results came out negative. After watching the show for a while, the fourth grader turned his head to the side and noticed that Scott had fallen asleep on the couch.

"Hey Scott," the fourth grader called to his brother, but received no answer. "Dude...I forgive you...and I guess I'm sorry too," Cartman whispered before hopping off the green couch to grab his backpack and head upstairs to his room.

Wow, this was more emotional than I had originally planned, but nonetheless I liked the way it turned. On a side note, people like to put all the blame on the Chili Con Carnival incident on Cartman, but it's important to remember Scott did a lot of equally messed up shit in that episode. P.S. For those of you who are wondering, it is possible for a 10 yr old to develop pubic hair and to have ginger body hair despite not being a ginger.