Chapter 4: Over His Knee
The next three months went mostly without consequence. I was more relaxed, but I still had my stubborn side. Dean laid down the law a few times with some warning swats when we got back to the car. But I never found myself walking stiffly or shifting uncomfortably in my seat like Sam did from time to time. That is until one hunt six months after starting with the boys.
It started off as a normal hunt, and I was really falling into my own. But my love for Dean had also begun to cause some issues with focus. If there was ever a moment I saw him in trouble, I would rush to aid him without thinking about the consequences. Most times he had already taken care of the problem before I got there, so he didn't usually do anything more than shoot me a serious look or warm up my backside with a few quick swats.
However, this hunt did not turn out to be one of those lucky moments. This time my reflexes were faster than Dean could react to the monster running at him. I took a running dive and pushed him out of the way. Both of us fell safely out of the way, but the monster quickly reeled and came back at me. Because of the tangled mess I had gotten our bodies into, neither of us could react to get him. I could feel the heat of Dean's anger and worry growing beneath me as he struggled to remove me from being on top of him. But as the monster came within two feet of us, I pushed him back down, and I shielded Dean with my body. I felt him tense beneath me, but he didn't move. As I held my breath for what seemed like forever I heard a voice behind me.
"Um... Guys? It's dead. You can stop... whatever you're doing", Sam said trying not to laugh.
I couldn't get up quick enough. I felt the immediate need to get as far from Dean as possible. I knew I was in deep shit, and I didn't know if he was going to try and deal with it right now. My breath shortened as I watched Dean brush himself off silently. When he was upright, he turned his gaze to me. He looked furious as he opened his mouth to speak.
"Sammy... take Stella to the Impala. I will meet you guys there after I clean this up."
His words were slow and controlled, but the tension in his body told me all that I needed to know.
I turned and ran. I heard Sam say something as I was leaving but didn't catch what was being said. I got into the Impala and slammed the door. I couldn't stop the anger of my embarrassment in being so stupid. I immediately began crying. I couldn't believe I had actually pushed him into the ground and thrown myself over him. I must have a serious death wish. But really, I just wanted to explain everything to Dean. To tell him that I loved him. To tell him how much I cared about him. That he made me feel like I mattered for the first time in a long time. That it made the world okay again and without him it meant nothing. That the world deserved a Hunter that could continue to protect them and not someone who was still learning. But I couldn't. He didn't see me that way. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the car door close.
"Stella. What were you thinking? You know Dean could have easily handled that. I know you love him, but you can't let that blind you to putting yourself into danger like that." Sam was trying to be gentle, but there was definitely disappointment in his words.
I sat there dumbfounded. Maybe I wasn't as good at hiding my feelings as I thought.
"Is it really that obvious?" I replied, dramatically throwing my face into my hands. "I can't believe this. Dean's going to make me leave. How could he ever trust me to stay now? I can't believe I'm so stupid." I started to cry again and Sam reached back to put his hand on my shoulder.
"Stella, he's not kicking you out. He cares too much. I know he's pissed right now, but you broke a rule. Apologize. Talk to him. Let him calm down. And accept the consequences. It will be fine. Things happen. We deal with them and move on. But you might want to reconsider using yourself as a human shield in the future."
I nodded, wiped away the tears, and began fiddling with my fingers. I couldn't bring myself to look up at Sam. I couldn't handle seeing the disappointment in his eyes.
Sam sighed and removed his hand from my shoulder as he turned on the radio sensing that I didn't want to talk any longer. I went through what my apology would be at least 8 times before Dean returned. He silently started the engine after slamming his door, and we headed home. After a long, quiet hour, we pulled up. I looked out the Impala's window and sighed. Time for me to die. At least my life had been mostly good.
"Meet me in the living room, Stella", Dean said gruffly as he opened the door for me on his side. He ducked his head back in the car to Sam as I slid out trying to avoid any contact with him, "Sammy, go grab dinner. Be back in half an hour."
My body tensed and my voice caught in my throat as I heard the confirmation of my demise. I tried to breathe through the panic as I sauntered to the living room. After pacing the room for a few minutes, I sat down and waited for Dean so I could apologize. When he walked in I immediately stood and went to him.
"Dean. I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just reacted. I know I should have trusted you to handle it, but it was about to get you. And. Well." I stopped myself from saying something I wasn't ready to share. I quickly recalculated my thoughts to the matter at hand. "And I deserve the punishment that you are going to give me."
Dean's fire seemed to reignite with my failed explanation. His step faltered and a muscle in his haw flexed. The anger was starting to rise again. A moment later, he closed his eyes and stood unmoving for a moment. He stopped clenching his fists and his nostrils flared as he took a deep breath.
"Stella. How could you be so stupid? You pushed me out of the way and then shielded me with your body! You clearly weren't just reacting. Now are you going to tell me what you were thinking?" He was clearly trying to stay calm, but his voice gave him away. He was definitely not happy.
I stood in front of him and tried to figure out how to tell him that I did it because I love him. But I was too afraid of what he would say in return. I opened my mouth to speak at least five times. But in the end I decided against the truth. I didn't think I could handle the heartache of rejection. I was much better at handling physical pain rather than emotional pain. I dropped my eyes and played with my hands as I started to speak again.
"I just wanted to prove that I was capable of getting the kill for once. You and Sam are always taking the kill. I just wanted to prove that I was strong enough for the kill. I wanted to prove that it's worth it to have me here. I pushed you out of the way so I could try and take this monster. But I messed up and we got tangled. And then I freaked out and clearly made a poor decision. I tried to be a better Hunter. But I was stupid. I broke the rules. So, please. Just get this punishment over with so I can be forgiven and we can all move on with our lives." By the end I was looking at him confidently. I knew I deserved this, and I needed him to know that.
Dean stood there frowning for a moment. Then he closed his eyes and sighed and released some of his anger before turning to his left to grab the armless chair and sat in front of me.
"Okay. Let's do this. But remember that you're not as good at lying as you think you are. Over my lap. Now."
My heart lept again, but I couldn't let myself dabble with the thought that he knew I loved him as much as I did. He probably just knew that my story wasn't the full truth, but I was certain he didn't know what the truth was. He couldn't. It was all I could tell myself to keep myself from falling apart.
So I took a deep breath and lowered myself over his lap. The contact of my body against his strong thighs made me yearn for him. He wrapped his arm around my waist pulled me close to him causing me to use all of my willpower to not just stand up and take him right there, but it was also making my now vulnerable ass a better target. I reminded myself that this moment was for punishment, not pleasure. I urged my body to understand and resist the hunger from the contact of his body against mine. I took a deep breath to focus, and I grabbed on to the legs of the chair and squeezed.
SMACK
The first swat came down hard. I gritted my teeth and squeezed the chair waiting for the next blow. When it didn't come for a few seconds, I opened my eyes and started to turn my head up to him right as he brought down another blow.
SMACK
I dropped my head and quickly sucked the air through my teeth. After another considerable pause, Dean started in a rhythm.
SMACK
SMACK
SMACK
SMACK
I held my ground. Gritting my teeth and trying to accept my punishment bravely. Dean continued with this rhythm for a while before realizing that I wasn't going to give in that easily. He paused and began to speak again.
"Stella, I hope you understand that this is what you asked for. Not just for forgiveness from me, but so you could forgive yourself. If you are going to use all your strength to resist me then I guess you are ready for me to up the ante."
When I remained silent, he sighed softly and adjusted me in his lap, fully exposing my sits bones. Without warning, his hand came down. His rhythm and intensity immediately increased causing me to gasp.
SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
I made a grunting noise, unable to control myself, but Dean didn't let up. He was constantly raining down the swats on my reddening ass. Eventually, I began to wiggle uncontrollably. It took everything in my power to not reach back and block his blows. How could this hurt so badly over jeans? How could my numerous times with swats have not prepared me for this? I could feel the tears start to fill my eyes, but I wasn't ready to give in yet. I deserved all of this and more. He must have known that I was getting close to breaking because he increased the speed and started covering every inch of my ass. I was about to break down when he changed up the pattern again. He focused numerous swats in a row in one area before moving on to the next.
Finally, I let it all go. I relaxed the tension in my body. I let go of the chair. I sobbed. I released everything and just accepted the release of my guilt. I hung limply over his strong thighs and whimpered incoherently each time he brought the burn into my ass. At one point I found that I had grabbed onto his leg and was hugging it to my face. I released it and tried to get myself to focus enough to figure out how to make this all stop.
Finally, I was able to get out a mostly coherent sentence, "I'm s-s-so s-s-sorry, Dean."
And with five final quick slaps to each cheek, the spanking came to an end . He released his hold around my waist and shifted his legs to balance me as he rubbed my back in calming circles.
"Shhhhhhhh. All is forgiven, Stella. Just breathe. Slow your breath."
His voice was gentle now, all anger and disappointment gone. I could hear what sounded like pain, though. It made me think of the famous 'this hurts me more than it hurts you' and I was able to calm down enough to focus on how awkward I was in this position.
I pushed myself up gently and he grabbed my arm assisting me up. He stood with me and pulled me in to a strong hug. I quickly returned it and took in his scent. I was hyper aware once again of the contact of his body against mine and soon forgot the pain at the seat of my pants and my breath started to quicken again. Just as I was about to pull away, Sam came in and announced that dinner was there. Dean gently kissed the top of my head and wiped a tear from my cheek as we separated.
"I'm gonna go... Uh... Wash up. I'll join you for dinner shortly", I said looking lovingly at Dean.
I watched the brothers walk to the other room and listened to their quiet conversation before heading to the bathroom.
"Dean, I hope you weren't too hard on her. That took longer than expected." Sam looked almost upset at Dean. He sounded like a reprimanding parent. I had to suppress a laugh. I turned the corner to hide myself from them and continued to listen.
"Yeah. I know. She wouldn't break. I didn't realize she would be so stubborn. It was crushing my heart to have to do that to her. I was worried she'd just see me as another one of her dick boyfriends. But she didn't seem to cower or be angry after."
As I overheard that, I felt excitement and sadness. I walked away without listening to what Sam said in reply. It didn't matter. Dean had said more than enough to make me forget all the pain. The fact that he cared so much filled me with hope, but I was also filled with sadness because it hurt him to do this and I had forced him to do it. My heart felt tight in my chest.
I was so confused by all the emotions rolling through my body. I stood and stared at myself in the mirror trying to make sense of just one thing that I was feeling. Finally, I just accepted the fact that I felt better and went on to rinse off my face. As I washed up, I pulled down my jeans to take a look at the damage. My ass was a deep shade of red. I immediately regretted having looked for the pain I felt as I pulled my pants back up made me hiss. I shook my head at my own stupid curiosity.
After I dried off my face, I went to join the boys for dinner. I saw a pillow placed in my seat and smiled to myself.
"We kept your food warm. I hope you're hungry", Sammy said with a smirk.
I blushed when I looked at the clock and saw that it had been almost 30 minutes since I went to wash up. My face was warm with embarrassment.
"Thank you, Sam. And thank you for the cushion."
The boys laughed lightly as I sat gingerly, but I felt lighter than I had in longer than I could remember. This life was exactly what I had been looking for. And I realized the pain and release I had been looking for in all the assholes I dated had been wrong. I didn't deserve to get the shit beat out of me for the fun of it. I deserved punishment to atone for my wrongdoing. And in that moment I realized that true love came with respect. And in that moment I finally understood what true love was.
