Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or BtVS.

The American

"Talking"

"Thinking"

The students of Hogwarts weren't quite sure what to make of the new caretaker. For one thing, he was American. For another, he respected his predecessor.

Having respect for Filch was not something any of them would've considered. In fact, when Professor Dumbledore had announced that he had passed away over the summer, their first reaction was to celebrate. That had quickly been shut down by the new caretaker, who gave a small eulogy for Filch.

Much to the students' surprise, Filch had died fighting vampires, having pulled a survivor away only to get bitten himself. It was only due to his age and slowed reactions that he slipped up. Being a veteran, he had been mourned by all involved. And he wasn't just a veteran vampire hunter, but a military veteran too, having served in the Dhofar Rebellion before coming to work at Hogwarts. Apparently, it was meant to be his way of relaxing. Of course, being surrounded by children who had magic and wanted to use it, didn't help much.

The new caretaker had leveled a pretty flat look at the entire Great Hall after his eulogy, letting them know what he thought. Many of the older students, when they thought about it, did consider the idea that they had given Filch too much of a hard time. If they were given the time, they would try and pay their respects to his grave.

Filch's past aside, the new caretaker was certainly not Filch. Aside from his nationality, he also declared that he had no magic and didn't have any magical parents. He was a Muggle, through and through. He didn't wear any sort of robe or suit, preferring to go about in a shirt, often paired with a flannel overshirt, and pair of trousers. Like Professor Moody, he only had one actual eye. Unlike the professor, he wore a simple eyepatch instead of a magic eye. According to some of the girls, the patch gave him a mysterious air.

While Harry wasn't sure about that, he did know Xander Harris was not Filch. The man had a different manner about him, including a welcoming smile. Mrs. Norris seemed to like him well enough. Everyone thought that cat would be gone with Filch dead, but she worked alongside the new caretake. More often than not, Harris was seen talking to students, making them laugh, and helping the younger students find their way (even though he had never been to Hogwarts before in his life). If someone was caught where they shouldn't have been, he never got mad. Instead, he'd chastise them with a disappointed frown. Somehow, that was much more effective straight up yelling at them.

That didn't mean he was soft. The Weasley twins had tried pulling a prank on Harris, a simple explosion of chalk dust when he walked into a room. But instead of putting them in detention, Harris got them back. One night, he informed Professor McGonagall that he had experimented with Hogwarts and as such, had a treat for Gryffindor House as a test. But if they wanted the treat, they had to go a whole week without losing a single house point.

Intrigued by his offer, Gryffindor House agreed. And they quickly found out that meant keeping Fred and George Weasley from their usual antics. It quickly involved the whole house. It was exhausting work, including an around-the-clock Weasley watch, but they had managed to do it. So, come Friday night, they were taken to the Great Hall, where somehow, the enchanted ceiling was able to show The Lion King.

It had been a complete experience for the young wizards, as if they were being taken to the movies. They had been given tickets that they would offer to Hagrid before entering the Entrance Hall, where Harris, Professor McGonagall, and Professor Burbage handed out popcorn, candy, and drinks. By the time the movie had ended, the movie had been seared into their memories, as had the night.

But the kicker came the next morning, where at the crack of dawn, the opening lyrics to Circle of Life, belting note and all, started playing right underneath Fred and George's beds. Needless to say, more than a few stumbled out of their beds in shock. What's more, the same song followed the twins wherever they went for the following week. There was no warning to when it struck. They could've been opening a door or sitting down to class. That song would belt out at a volume about five decibels short of shattering glass.

Everyone else thought it was funny. The twins did not. And even though they couldn't prove it, they knew it was Harris. That knowing smirk said it all.

Instead of getting mad, they decided to keep pranking him. Their second attempt hadn't been quite as successful (somehow, Harris knew when to step to the left) and this time, they had to clean up the resulting mess, without magic and in special uniforms. Harry was sure the only ones who liked the sight of the twins mopping up a stairwell that wouldn't stop dirtying itself clad in tight speedos were the upper-year girls. The twins found it embarrassing (especially since their little sister kept hanging around saying they missed a spot).

Their third attempt had been an outright failure, and the last straw. No one was sure what their punishment was, only they were sent away Friday night and would return Sunday evening. Dumbledore agreed to it and the twins were sent off, not to be seen for the rest of the weekend.

Come Sunday after dinner, Harris was waiting in the Entrance Hall. Those who knew the twins were waiting around too. They all tried to be doing something, but their eyes kept wandering over to the front doors, waiting to see what would happen. Harris was the only one who didn't pretend. He simply waited with folded arms. Some might've noticed that made his arms bulge, even if they didn't say anything.

The doors opened, breaking the silence, and the twins stumbled in. Their faces were twisted up in an expression Harry had never seen on them before. It was as if they had seen something both wonderful and horrible, over and over again. It was all they could do to stand up, clutching each other for support. They weren't even walking. They hobbled in, almost folding on themselves.

Harris smiled once they were close, a sharp kind of smile. "Evening, boys," he said. "Have a good weekend?" The twins looked at him as if he was some horrible tyrant. "Oh, what's the matter? I thought you had a good time." Fred let out a pained whimper that might've been an accusation. George raised a shaky finger at Harris. It was all he could do.

The smile never left Harris's face. "So, boys, are we going to keep doing this? Or am I going to have to get really creative?" His words were puzzling, and yet unnerved everyone listening.

Fred and George Weasley looked at him for a long moment, then at each other. Then they did a truly shocking: they knelt and bowed their heads.

"Master," said Fred, "please forgive us."

"We know better now," George added.

"Spare our pitiful lives."

"Grant us mercy, oh kind and loving Master."

Harry was shocked at the scene. So was Ron, Hermione, Ginny, pretty much every Gryffindor there. The Weasley twins, great pranksters and jokers of their House, were begging for mercy. Harris let it go for another minute before motioning them to stand. "Alright you two, get to bed. It's gonna be late soon, and you've got classes in the morning."

"Yes, generous Master."

"Thank you for your mercy, benevolent Master."

He eyed them and their posture. "And you probably might need some help with that." They answered in stereo pained whimpers before hobbling up the stairs.

Hermione broke the silence once they were gone. "What just happened?"

Harris turned to her. His smile wasn't as sharp and had a touch of goofiness. "I believe, Hermione, is that the proper phrase is that I schooled them."


It didn't take long for Hogwarts to learn what happened, and it baffled the students.

Xander Harris had gained control of the Weasley twins. If he said stop, they stopped. Everyone kept asking Ron and Ginny how he had done it, but they were unsure themselves. As far as they could tell, their brothers held Harris to the same standard as their mother: anger at own risk.

Still, that was only one event that happened at Hogwarts, and it wasn't even the main one. With the Triwizard Tournament happening, everyone was focused on how that would go. Once Drumstrang and Beauxbatons arrived, the Goblet of Fire was revealed. And on Halloween, the champions were announced.

Viktor Krum.

Fleur Delacour.

Cedric Diggory.

…And Harry Potter.

As much as his House celebrated the fact he was now in the Tournament, he didn't want to be. He had hoped that this would be a normal year of Hogwarts for him. And the rest of the school didn't believe that he didn't put his name in the cup. To them, Harry Potter was trying to stand out again.

Even Ron had acted the same, at first. Then Harris asked him to meet him in his office. No one saw him until dinner that night, where he had been quiet and ate little. It concerned his friends but come the next day, he sat down beside Harry and told him he was sorry for acting like a prat. Harry accepted the apology and their friendship returned to normal.

Yet something else happened. Ron started spending more time with Harris. It was usually after classes, with Ron walking with the caretaker as he did his rounds. Whenever they were done, Ron left with a smile and a thoughtful expression. He even started using Harris as a reference when talking to people.

If it wasn't for the Triwizard Tournament, people would've found it strange. But since there was the Tournament, a student getting along with the caretaker didn't really rank that high in their thoughts. It certainly didn't matter after the First Task when it came time to find a date for the Yule Ball.

Harry was in the common room, moping about his missed chance with Cho Chang, when the entrance opened and Harris walked, helping Ron in. "Alright, Ron," he said, using an easy voice. "Just sit down in front of the fire, catch your breath." Mrs. Norris watched from the entrance hole. She didn't seem so skeletal nowadays and looked better groomed too.

"What happened?" asked Harry as he came to his feet. The rest of the common room were already coming closer. His best friend looked stunned, as if he had witnessed something he couldn't believe.

"Just give him a minute, Harry," Harris told him. "He did something he never thought he would." He looked down at the redhead. "You okay, Ron?"

"Y-yeah, I think so." The fire was particularly warm tonight. Or was that him? He looked up at Xander. "Did…Did I…?"

He nodded. "You did." He started counted heads in the common room. They were all there. Perhaps a few were still in their rooms. He cleared his voice in a polite manner and spoke. "Men of Gryffindor Tower, you are required in the common room. Ladies, please leave us."

Something about his voice made them listen. As much as the girls wanted to say he was being rude, they still left as the rest of the boys came down to the common room. They wanted to say it was magic, but Harris often proclaimed he was a Muggle. So why did they leave?

The girls did go up their stairs, but they didn't go to their dormitories. There were plenty of balconies where they could look down onto the common room. It might've been considered spying, but they were curious.

The common room was packed with all the Gryffindor boys. They were all focused on Harris and Ron, holding a cup in hand. "Men of Gryffindor," Harris said, using a tone that could make a man stand tall and pay attention (which it did), "tonight, we are here to honor and salute Ronald Weasley. For he has taken an important step towards manhood. A step that no one thinks about. A step not even his twin brothers have taken."

"Hey!" protested said twins, only to fall silent at his look.

Xander laid a protective, almost parental, hand on Ron's shoulder. "You see, Ron has done something not everyone tries, because they think it's embarrassing. But he still did it. This young wizard did something no one ever thought he would. For he had the bravery, the courage, the audacity, the utter cojones, to ask out a girl he knew he had no chance with!"

Each one of the girls looked at one another. That was something to be proud of? But Harris wasn't done. "Tonight, we shall celebrate Ronald's attempt to ask for a Yule Ball date. Tomorrow, he shall get his answer and no matter what it might be, we will stand behind him, united." He raised his glass in a toast. "To Ron!"

"To Ron!" the boys answered, toasting the Weasley. As they all drank, Harris looked up at the girls. He didn't say a word but his eye conveyed how they shouldn't be listening in, that this was a sacred thing between men. They all left, quietly chastised.


The next morning, during breakfast, Ron walked in and headed straight for the Beauxbatons table. Every single one of his bones was screaming to turn and run away but he kept walking until he found the girl he was looking for. "Ms. Fleur?" he said, hoping his voice wouldn't break.

The entire Gryffindor table was stunned. That was who Ron asked? More than a few of them thought he was officially crazy. The rest of the hall watched with a mixture of interest, curiosity, and mockery at the ready (the last was centered on Slytherin). From the staff table, the teachers watched, ready to step in if needed. Only two of them didn't think that was necessary.

Fleur Delacour turned and looked at the boy before her. Disinterest quickly settled on her face, but he stayed put. "I apologize for how I left yesterday," he told her. "It was rude of me. But, will you be my date to the Yule Ball?"

Only a second of silence followed his question. It wasn't Fleur who started sniggering but pretty soon the whole table was. Fleur outright laughed in Ron's face, nearly hard enough to start crying. It was only when she stopped that she finally gave her answer. "Non."

Throughout the entire thing, Ron Weasley had stayed silent. Even as his ears burned red, he didn't respond. The whole scene angered the Gryffindor table, yet they stayed in place. They couldn't get involved. Once Ron had his answer, he nodded politely to the Beauxbatons champion. "Thank you for telling me, Ms. Fleur." His piece said, he turned and walked away with a straight back.

It was certainly not the reaction the Beauxbatons students had expected. What came next was even more unexpected. Harris came to his feet. "To Ron Weasley," he proclaimed, cup in hand. "He has taken an important step towards manhood. He took a leap, even as he knew he would likely fall on his face. And now, he will leap again, even if he will fall again. For the first failure is always the most painful, and the best lesson." He lifted his cup high. "To Ron!"

Much to everyone's surprise (including Ron), Viktor Krum came to his feet first, barking out a response as he toasted Ron. The rest of Drumstrang followed, as did the Gryffindors. Ron had been rejected by a beautiful girl, but they treated him as if he had won a great victory.

Fleur was baffled by the scene. Then she noticed how the Hogwarts caretaker was looking at her. He looked disappointed, in her. At first, she didn't understand. But the more she looked at him, the more she did. It wasn't that she rejected Ron. The disappointment was because she had laughed in his face. She could've just told him no. Suddenly the whole humorous aspect died a quiet death in her mind.

Just who was this Muggle that could make her feel this way? With a single look?


As the Yule Ball approached, Harris stepped in for Ron. He took one look at the dress robes the redhead and immediately set them on fire (not using magic, of course). He then took Ron out of Hogwarts to a tailor and paid it in full, since "wearing those robes would've been a sin against humanity and deserves compensation," in Harris's own words. No one had seen what Ron's new dress robes looked and as far as they knew, he still didn't have a date to the Ball. Yet he went through his days without a worry.

On Christmas Day, after opening all his presents and enjoying breakfast, Ron was whisked away by Harris. He wasn't seen for the rest of the day by anyone. Harry was starting to get worried even as he put on his dress robes and took Parvati down to the entrance hall. Even as he was told that the Champions would have the first dance, and seeing Hermione on Krum's arm, looking completely different from what everyone knew, didn't distract him from his concern.

Thankfully, Hermione shared the same concern. "Have you seen Ron?" she asked Harry.

"No. Have you?" She shook her head. Harry looked at the entrance, trying to see where his best friend was. "Where is he?"

"You don't think he got cold feet, do you?"

"How could he have cold feet?" he asked. "The only person he asked out was Fleur."

"Ah, Mr. Harris, there you are," Professor McGonagall said at the top of the staircase, cutting through the chatter. "And…Mr. Weasley too?"

Her shocked tone got everyone's attention. They looked, and jaws promptly dropped to the floor.

The first thing they had noticed was the hair. Pretty much since the start of the year, Ron's hair had been a mop of red that hung down from his head. Said mop was gone and in its place was a good style for him. The sides had been trimmed down to the shortest degree while the top had been left a little thicker, coiffed so it would stand up and then flow backwards. Without the hair in the way, people could see how strong his features could be.

Then they noticed what he was wearing.

Everyone coming to the Ball were wearing dress robes.

Ron wore a suit.

Not just any suit. A suit tailored to him, emphasizing his height and his build, done in classic black-and-white, with a bowtie to finish it off. As he walked down the stairs, everyone watched him and had the same thought. "What happened to him?"

"Hiya, Harry," Ron said to his friend once he was close. "Hermione."

"Ron," Hermione said back, staring at him. "You…you look…" Words failed her. Luckily for her, the same thing was happening to him.

"The word you're looking for, is good, Hermione," Harris said as he walked over. He too was wearing a suit, just without the bowtie and the first two buttons undone. "The boy looks good. Just in time for his date." He glanced over at the front doors. "And here she is now."

Harry turned his head, and his throat went dry. Now, he knew that Parvati was pretty, he had a crush on Cho for a reason, and the fact Hermione drew eyes was still a thing. Yet the girl who glided in was stunning. Her hair shined golden in the candlelight while her eyes were so blue, they seemed to glow. They also matched her dress, a modest number that collared around her neck but left her shoulders and arms bare. It also made it clear to everyone she had an athletic body.

"Ron, this would be your date," Harris declared as she came over. "Shannon, this is Ron."

The girl looked her date up and down. "Oh my," she said with an accent they later learned was from South Carolina. "Xander was right. You clean up quite nicely, don't you?"

"Thanks." Try as he might to be smooth, it was all Ron could do not to swallow his own tongue. "You look fantastic."

She smiled and every Gryffindor man in sight felt jealous. "Charmer. I hope you can dance as well."

"Well, let's find out." He offered her his arm, like a gentleman.

But Harris stepped in. "Sorry, Shannon," he said with an apologetic smile. "Forgot to mention one last thing." He brought Ron in close and whispered in his ear. Harry wasn't sure what he had said, it had gone by too fast. But whatever it was, it made Ron gulp. He offered Shannon his arm again and walked into the Great Hall, doing his best not to look back. His date quickly frowned at Harris before walking away. He just smiled back.

"Having fun, Xander?" Again, eyes turned to the doors as someone else came in. Whereas Shannon was a girl, about Ron's age if not a year older, this was a woman. She didn't walk as much as she strode in. Her dress itself was black and elegant, complete with gloves. Her brown hair framed her face perfectly, highlighting her amused expression.

"Hey, Dawn," Harris said as she got close. "Glad you could come."

"Seemed like fun. Faith wanted to come too but Buffy caught her just as she was about to leave."

He noticed her little smirk. "I don't suppose that had anything to do with you?"

"Maybe," she drawled, incidentally sending shivers through all the boys' spines. She took Harris by the arm and together they walked into the Great Hall.


By the time the actual dancing started, Harry wasn't quite sure what going on with his friends. They hadn't spoken to one another the entire time, but it looked like to him that they were doing their best to irritate the other via their date. If one was on the dance floor, so was the other. Shannon was amused by the situation while Krum was stoic. Which left Harry confused.

At one point, he was sitting at an open table, watching the two couples dance to another song by the Weird Sisters. "Ah, young love," Harris said as he sat down beside Harry. "It's a thing, isn't it?"

"What?" He glanced at the caretaker. "Who are you talking about?"

"Your friends, of course. They're both mad at each other, because of the mistakes they made." Harry was still confused, which made him laugh. "He didn't realize that Hermione could be a woman. She didn't know what she had given up until tonight," he explained, pointing first at Ron and then Hermione.

"But…they don't like each other that way."

Harris smirked. "Not yet. They'll get there. Ron will figure his feelings out."

"How do you know?"

The smile turned mysterious, yet whimsical. "You see Ron, you see your friend, your best friend. I see him, and I see who I used to be. So, I can relate to him, and help him along, giving him some advice. You can almost say it's my obligation."

Harry stared at him for a long moment. Everything about Harris, his manner, his words, his actions, everything people had seen since the start of the term, it all came bubbling up in a single question. "Who are you, Mr. Harris?" Just who was this American Muggle that seemed to know what to say and fitted in so well at Hogwarts?

He chuckled at that. "I'm the one who sees things and knows the roles people play." The latest song came to a finish, cueing a round of applause. "Any other questions you'd like to me to answer?"

"What did you tell Ron before we came in?" In hindsight, Harry probably shouldn't have touched that one. He had been curious and wanted to know.

"I told him that I knew I could trust him, so I'd give him an amended version of the threat I gave his brothers when they left for the weekend." That piqued Harry's interest. Harris smiled again. "And now, you're wondering what threat the twins got."

"Uh, yeah?"

"Simple: You touch, you fail. You fail, you die."

Yeah, that would've made anyone's spine shiver. Harry also started wondering what kind of threat Ron got. He should've left it there. Just left it lie and focus on something else. But Harry's curiosity would not be denied. "Just what did you do to them over that weekend?"

Harris smirked as he leaned back against the chair. "Oh, not much. I simply sent them to another Scottish castle, full of girls like Shannon, beautiful, athletic, and able to break an arm without blinking. Conveniently, it was the same weekend the girls decided to have a Caribbean Weekend Party, with the right conditions."

"Right conditions?" Why did that not sound good?

"The castle interior raised to the proper temperature, multiple rooms changed into beaches, and the girls were all walking around in swimsuits, mostly bikinis. On Sunday, more than a few decided, for the hell of it, to go topless. By the end of the night, they were discussing whether or not to go fully nude. From what I was told, Fred and George all but ran out of the castle at that."

Harry understood why. If the twins had gone in their uniforms, they would've been hot and uncomfortable. And they would've been surrounded by girls in skimpy clothing they couldn't touch lest they risked failing, all the while being teased by said girls. Suddenly the reason why they were hobbling when they returned made much more sense now.

And, Harry realized, it was also why they had bowed before Harris and begged for mercy. It had been a prank, one they could never have pulled off, and it had defeated them utterly.

Now that he understood that, he regarded Harris with a mixture of awe, and fear. He didn't want to know what the man would do if he was properly angered. Then he thought about what he said about Shannon and checked on his best friend. "Don't worry," Harris told him. "Ron's fine. Besides, Shannon keeps the whole breaking-bones bit for vampires."

Before Harry could even think about that, Dawn came over. "Xander, you owe me a dance," she declared, pulling him out of his seat.

"Alright, alright, no need to pull my arm off," he said with an eyeroll and a wink towards Harry. She punched him in the arm but was still grinning. He chuckled as he rubbed the arm. Harry was baffled by the sight. Was this something Americans did? "Oh, Dawn, meet Harry Potter. Harry, this is Dawn. She works with the Vampire Slayers like Shannon."

"Like Shannon?" He looked back at Ron's date and thought about what happened to the twins. "So does that mean…?"

Harris shrugged. "They're my girls. That's all that matters to me."

"And they are very upset that you decided to leave us," Dawn chastised him. "You are going to be so dogpiled when you come back."

"You make it sound like a bad thing," he said as she dragged him onto the dance floor.

A new number started playing, without the Weird Sisters oddly enough, and the two started dancing at a fast pace. It was something to watch, especially since they both pulled moves that had to be illegal (her more than him, but that was beside the point). Yet the way they kept to each other, pressing their bodies closer than any student would dare, was mesmerizing, in its own way.

By the time the dance ended, Harris dipping his partner very deeply, the applause damn near broke the ceiling. Amongst the students, three of them had very different thoughts.

Hermione had wanted to look away but couldn't.

Ron wished he could pull off those kinds of moves.

Harry was left wondering just about who the new caretaker was.

It wasn't a question that would be answered any time soon.

End

Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews you've sent me.

I've read plenty of stories where one of the Scoobies goes to Hogwarts, but it's always as students. I wanted a story where they went to Hogwarts as an adult, in an adult role. And such I'm big fan of Xander, there he is, taking over Filch's position.

Consequently, I would like to thank Harry Potter and the Guardian's Light for giving me the inspiration to make Filch a badass. I found that story while wiki-hiking through TV Tropes and just loved how Filch fitted into the world. Where else would I find the man facing down Voldemort with a gun and holding his own? Another story where he's got a better rep is The Chosen Six.

The idea I ran with here was having Xander seem magical to the students. I know, I know, that doesn't sound right. But think about it. These kids have grown up, and are still growing up, around magic. They take it for granted. So how is it this man, who says that he doesn't have magic, know the right thing to tell them or show them where they need to go? How can he bring the Weasley Twins to heel when the other teachers couldn't? To them, that sort of thing would seem magical.

I don't like stories where Ron the Death Eater is a major factor (or a minor one, but that's beside the point). He's not an idiot or someone who'd join Voldemort. He's the Xander Harris of the series (which, now I think about it, makes Hermione the Willow of the series). He's the guy who's there to help and support his friends, even if he doesn't get the recognition. Xander would notice the similarities between him and Ron. I would even say going forward, he would be a mentor to Ron.

I'll see you all next chapter!