-The Hero Of Time-
Link hasn't heard from Kirby in a while. Last time they hung out he lashed out at her. He felt bad. He shouldn't have said that to her. He didn't know what got into him to say such hurtful things to Kirby that night. He's going to apologize to her. She's with the wrong guy, but what can he do? It's her choice in the end.
Link got up and walked over to Kirby's room. He knocked but she didn't answer. Figures. She doesn't want to talk to him after that event. He noticed something sticking out from the door. It was a note. He shouldn't have taken her mail, but he was curious. He was shocked to find out that Kirby left smash. Was it because of what he said? She looked broken when said that Little Mac was only using her body. He needs to go to Popstar and apologize. He needs to convince her to go back. But how? How can he get there? He didn't know anything about space. Also, what about Zelda? If she finds out he left, she'll kill herself. He dragged himself back to his room and plopped on his bed.
Zelda came over to his room. She saw him crying. She rolled her eyes because she knew it was about Kirby. It frustrated her, but it's ok, as long as she threatened her life, Link won't go. She had him under her control. He'll learn eventually that Kirby is a phase and that she's his true love. Right now she needs to 'be there for him.'
"What's wrong, honey?" Zelda sat next to him.
"Nothing."
"It's not nothing, tell me."
"No."
"Is it about Kirby?"
"N-no."
"It's about her. I can already tell."
"No it's not!"
"What happened between you and Kirby?"
"Nothing happened."
"Did you guys kiss?"
"No."
"Link if you don't tell me…" Zelda made fire appear in her hands. "You know what I'll do."
"Kirby left."
"What?"
"You got what you wanted. She's gone."
"She left smash?"
"Yeah."
Finally that bitch is gone! Now she can have Link all to herself. She hasn't felt this happy in a while.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Zelda frowned.
"No you're not. You're happy. You hate her."
"Link, I'm trying to comfort you."
"Stop acting fake. I'm tired of being in a fake relationship. I hate fake people like you."
"What did you just say to me?"
"I said you're fake!"
"You know better than to insult me."
"I'm tired, Zelda. You know I don't want to be with you. Doesn't it feel bad? Why do you insist on keeping us together?"
"Link-
"And another thing, if it weren't for you, I would've been with Kirby. You ruined my chances with her! Now she's gone. This is all your fault!"
"..."
"Zelda, I'm sorry I didn't mean that."
"You've said enough."
"I can't help how I feel."
"Neither can I!"
"But what you're doing is a crime."
Zelda got up. She went to Link's closet and found his sword. She unsheathed it and stabbed herself in the stomach. Blood poured everywhere and she fell on the floor unconscious. Link panicked. He bent down to her and screamed her name, but she didn't respond. He picked her up and ran to the ER as fast as he could.
-The Cave-
Ness woke up. When he sat up, his head was throbbing. It hurt so bad. What happened? All he could remember was… That's right, Mario went fucking ultra instinct. He slammed his face into the wall! H-how did he do that?
Gordon: "What an absolutely beautiful fucking morning."
Ness: "Hm?"
Gordon: "I need to have a word with you."
Ness: "Why does it smell awful here?"
Sonic: "It always smells awful."
Ness: "But it's worse than usual."
Gordon: "Yeah, that's part of why I want to talk to you."
Ness: "Huh?"
Gordon: "So uh, remind me why you attacked Luigi?"
Ness: "Luigi? Wait, hold on. My head hurts."
Gordon: "No worries. Take your time."
5 minutes later…
Ness: "Ok, I think my head is getting a little bit better."
Gordon: "Cool. Can I say something?"
Ness: "Sure."
Gordon: "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KNOCK LUIGI OUT?!"
Ness: "Huh?"
Gordon: "YOU HAD THE WRONG FUCKING KEY! NOW GUESS WHAT?!"
Ness: "I thought-
Gordon: "BECAUSE OF YOU, WE HAVE TO LIVE IN OUR OWN FILTH UNTIL LUIGI GETS BACK!"
Ness: "..."
Gordon: "For fucks sake."
Ness: "Wait, Luigi isn't going to clean the place up?"
Gordon: "All because you decided to knock him out cold. What were you thinking?"
Ness: "I thought it was a good idea!"
Kawasaki: "Punching people is never a good option."
Gordon: "For once I agree with the orange jelly bean."
Kawasaki: "Thank you, Chef Ramsay."
Gordon: "Shut up."
Sonic: "At least he had an idea."
Gordon: "An idea that made our lives worse."
Ness: "At least I'm doing something! What're you doing?"
Gordon: "Not getting us in deeper trouble."
Ness: "No, you're too busy dreaming about your kids and acting all sad. Aww woe is me~ I'm Gordon Ramsay! Get over yourself! It's pathetic."
Gordon: "What's pathetic is watching you fuck up for the fourth time."
Ness: "I'd rather fuck up a hundred times than stay here as Mario's lil bitch."
Gordon: "I'm his lil bitch? You called him Master!"
Ness: "At least I'm trying different options. You haven't done anything."
Gordon: "So sucking up to him and being his lil cute dog is an option, huh?"
Ness: "You're the dog! In fact, you act like a sad lil puppy waiting for an owner to come rescue you from the pound."
Gordon: "FUCK YOU!"
Kawasaki: "PLEASE STOP GUYS!"
Sonic: "Kawasaki is right. Arguing isn't helping."
Gordon and Ness: "..."
Ness: "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said those things."
Gordon: "Yeah, I'm sorry too."
"Ba da da da da hm~"
They heard Mario humming his theme song again. Great speak of the devil.
Mario: "Hello, everybody. Oh, it looks like-a Ness finally woke up."
Everyone: "..."
Mario: "Eww, it smells-a gross."
Sonic: "Yeah, I wonder why."
Mario: "Don't get smart with me, Sonic."
Kawasaki: "I'm glad I don't have a nose."
Gordon: "Lucky bastard."
Mario: "Alright bitches, here's your food."
Mario handed each one a can of cat food as always. Everyone except Ness.
Mario: "Ah, ah, ah. You've been a naughty boy. You'll have to do something for me to get food tonight."
Ness: "Like what?"
Mario: "Hmm let's-a see."
Mario grabbed Ness's face and smooshed his face. Ness wanted to slap his hand away, but then Mario would punch him. He grabbed his face too tight for Ness's comfort. He had a big purple bruise on both of his cheeks. His forehead had a big red bump. It was the one that took the most impact.
Mario: "O-ho-ho-ho!"
Ness: "What?"
Mario: "Your face is ugly."
Ness: "Thanks. You insulted me. Can I have food now?"
Mario: "No."
Ness: "What do you want?"
Mario: "I want you to worship me."
Ness: "Seriously?"
Mario: "Do it."
Ness needs food to help heal. He didn't want to and the others would definitely make fun of him for this, but what other choice did he have? He was hungry.
Ness: "Sure, how do you want me to do it?"
Mario: "Pray."
Ness: *Sighs* "Bless us, O Mario and this precious cat food that I am about to receive or whatever, thank you my savior Mario Jumpman Mario. Amen."
Mario: "See? Was that so hard?"
Ness: "Yes…"
Mario chucked a can of cat food directly on Ness's face. Then he watched as his pets ate the food. He collected their cans and left the cave.
-Villager's Room-
Villager was grocery shopping for food. He wanted to cook him and his wife something tasty. Pizza is easy to make. He bought the ingredients and left. As he was walking back home, Popo and Nana tapped his shoulder.
Nana: "I'm so glad you're back."
Villager: "Thanks. I'm happy I'm over that illness."
Popo: "We should hang out! Can we come over?" *Takes out a blunt*
Villager: "Uhhh, m-my place is messy."
Popo: "I don't care."
Villager: "I do! I need to clean it first."
Nana: "We can help! We're fast cleaners."
Villager: "No I would feel bad."
Popo: "It's ok." *Starts smoking*
Villager: "How about I come over to your place instead?"
Popo: "Sure!" *Coughs*
Nana: "We just want to hang out with you."
Villager: "I appreciate that guys. When do you want to?"
Nana: "Right now?"
Villager: "Aww, sorry I would love to, but I was about to make dinner."
Popo: "Whatcha makin?"
Villager: "Pizza."
Popo: "You can make it at our place! Pizza party!"
Villager: "I would love to but I only bought enough for me."
Nana: "That's ok, we can go to the grocery store really quick. It's right there."
Villager: "Sorry, I just want to be alone tonight."
Nana: "Aww, I wanted to have a pizza party with you…"
Villager: "I'm sorry."
Popo: "That's ok, but you are coming over tonight right?"
Villager: "Y-yeah."
The two left. Villager sighed from relief. They were relentless. That's the ice climbers for ya. They're so stubborn and overly friendly. It was annoying. He's definitely not coming over to their place. In fact, he took out his phone and blocked them.
Villager arrived home and began making home-made pizza. He wished he could cook with his brand new wife, but she would try to escape again. She was only allowed to be in her cage. Maybe one day she'll finally love him as much as he loved her and the two could be a normal couple. Of course she is never allowed out of this place, but he wouldn't mind if she roamed around the living room.
After the pizza was finally done, he put three slices on a plate. Then he went to his room to see his beautiful wife looking terrified as always. She scooched over back to her corner. As he approached her, she curled up into a ball and covered her face.
"Darling, I made dinner," Villager entered the cage.
"Please, let me go."
Villager slapped her across the face.
"HOW DISRESPECTFUL CAN YOU BE?! I MADE FOOD FOR YOU!"
"I'm sorry."
"No thank you?"
"T-thank you."
Villager fed her the pizza because she can't use her hands. He kept shoving more and more. She had a hard time keeping up and ended up coughing it out. He shook his head. She's like a baby. Always makes a mess and needs to be taken care of. Perhaps he should go slower. He fed her slowly this time. She didn't want to eat, but he made sure to force it down her throat. After she was done eating, he brushed her teeth.
"Alright Darling, it's been almost a week since you've been here. Tonight is special because I'm going to give you a bath," Villager chirped.
"N-no please-
"You need to care about your hygiene."
"I get that, but-
"I need to help you. So if you can just let me take your-
"NO!" Kirby kicked his stomach.
Villager hunched over and grit his teeth. He was pissed. His wife wasn't obedient. He needs to show her that he's the man of the house. No woman is allowed to treat their husband like this.
Villager went through his closet. He found his whip. He turned around and smiled at her. When she saw the whip she widened her eyes and started shaking.
"N-no Villager please-
Too late he whipped her really hard on her legs. A long line of blood dripped off her skin and landed on the cage floor. She stared at her legs in horror. He started laughing as he continued to whip not just her legs, but her stomach and arms as well.
"AAAAAHHHHH!"
"Alright, Darling, we're going to wash away the blood now. You're definitely dirt, so no arguing."
"N-no! Get… GET AWAY FROM ME!"
