-The hunt-
Villager managed to get out. That fucking bitch Kirby. How could she do this to him? He thought she was being genuine. He thought she loved him. She betrayed him and she's going to pay. He's going to find her.
He went to visit Duck Hunt's dog house. The dog and the duck hopped out expecting treats. Villager made sure to bring the duck crackers and the dog beef jerky. They munched on it happily.
Duck Hunt: "Woof!" (What do you want me to do?)
Villager: "I want you to find Kirby."
Villager took out a small jewelry box. He opened it and it was a patch of Kirby's pink hair. The dog smelled it.
DH: "Woof!" (I found her!)
Villager: "Good, lead me to her."
Duck Hunt howled and ran at full speed to the direction where Kirby is.
Villager: "I'm coming for you, Kirby."
-Finding The Time Machine-
It took Little Mac hours but he found someone that could possibly hack into the system. It's Jeff. He needs to find that nerd. He went to Smash Town Square. He's only been here once or twice. It's a big plaza. This is the place where the spirits live. Man, this place is so big, how is he going to find Jeff? There's gotta be a way.
He searched around, but he couldn't find him. He asked every spirit he came across and none of them knew where the nerd was. He decided to go to the rooftop of a tall building. He might be able to spot Jeff from a bird's pov. He rested his arm on the guard rail. This was a nice rest from all the crazy.
Rustle Rustle
Little Mac turned around. He didn't see anything except a trashcan on the edge of the roof. Wait, what's a trashcan doing here? Hmm, people do smoke. That's probably why. He went back to staring down at the plaza looking for Jeff. However, he couldn't help but feel as if someone was inside that trash can. Could it be a bad guy? He went over to and gently kicked it. Nothing. He shrugged his shoulders and opened the lid. He jumped back and screamed as he saw a kid with glasses inside the can.
When Little Mac screamed, the kid screamed and tipped the trashcan over. He fell hard on his face. Little Mac approached him and poked the boy on the cheek.
"Are you alive?" Little Mac asked.
"D-don't hurt me…" The boy covered his head.
"I'm not gonna hurt ya. Actually, do you know someone named Jeff?"
"Jeff? No, sorry."
The kid looked up at Little Mac with a scared expression on his face. Wait, this kid looks like the guy he was looking for. He says he doesn't know any Jeff though. That's weird. How does he not know who Jeff is, if he is Jeff.
"Wait, you are Jeff!" Little Mac pointed at him.
"Huh? That's not my name."
"Quit lying."
"I'm not."
"You're one of those introverted things. You want me to go away, that's why you're lying to me."
"My name is Lloyd."
"Lloyd? You look so much like Jeff. Are you sure you're not Jeff?"
"I'm telling you the truth, please don't hurt me."
"Aww, dammit."
"Eep! I'm sorry."
"Hmm, well you look smart. Do you think you can help me out?"
"With what?"
"I need a hacker."
"Why?"
"Something terrible is happening at the mansion. I need to get into the item room, but there's a code."
"Oh, uh…"
"Can you please help me?"
"I'm scared."
"I'll protect you!"
"But… Isn't the item room off limits?"
"No…"
"I feel like you're the one lying now."
"Listen, kid. I really need your help. If you don't help me, the person I care for the most will die. I… She's done so much for me and… I just…" *Starts sobbing*
"..."
"I can't let her down. Please… Please help me. Please be my hero."
"Ok, I'll do it."
"Thank you, Lloyd. Thank you so much."
-The Cave-
This part is filler feel free to skip this shit
The four prisoners couldn't wait to see Luigi. Ness had a good plan. All Ness had to do was distract the plumber while everyone is eating. While Luigi is distracted, Kawasaki will hide the can lid and when the green plumber approaches him all Kawasaki has to do is say he ate it.
The prisoners heard footsteps. He heard Mario humming his theme song as usual. The prisoners silently cheered when they saw Luigi with Mario. They're going to do their thing, first Mario is either going to mess with them in some way, then he'll give them their can of cat food. After he hands them the food, that's when Mario leaves. Luigi is always alone with them making sure that they finish their food and he'll collect the cans. That's how it's always been for the longest time, but this time, but this time Luigi won't realize that Kawasaki is hiding something that could give the prisoners leverage.
As the two Mario bros approached, the prisoners stiffened. Tonight is the night that they'll receive a small victory. Hopefully everything goes according to plan.
Mario: "Um, Hello, everyone."
Ness: (That's odd, he sounds… Nervous.)
Sonic: "There he is. Alright, what're we playing today? Nintendo Trivia? Compliment our God Mario?"
Kawasaki: "Yay, a game!"
Mario: "Actually… Uh.."
Kawasaki: "Ooooh, is it going to be fun?"
Mario: "It is! It's very fun."
Gordon: "Just for you, I assume."
Mario: "For everyone."
Kawasaki: "Yay!"
Mario: "Everyone except for Ness."
Ness: "Oh come on, why?"
Gordon: "He hates you."
Ness: "I know…"
Sonic: "Your definition of fun isn't exactly fun."
Mario: "Oh, it's going to be fun. Trust me."
Gordon: "Sure." *Rolls his eyes*
Mario: "In fact…" *Takes out a laptop* "Ness, I'm sorry in advance, but I need to share this shit."
Ness: "Is that my laptop?"
Mario: "Ya see, Clone Sonic found it and he said I shouldn't do this, but oh boy do I really want to."
Ness: "What're you talking about?"
Sonic: "Oh shit, dude, he has your laptop."
Ness: "I mean, is it?"
Mario: "Ness, the laptop's username is your name."
Ness: "What! Why do you have my laptop? That's private."
Mario: "You know I don't care about your privacy."
Ness: "Wait, how did you get in?"
Mario: "Your password is-a password."
Gordon: "Some genius."
Ness: "I thought it would be too obvious, so no one would ever think of choosing it."
Gordon: "Ya Nessed up yet again."
Sonic: "Wait, what was my clone doing with his laptop?"
Mario: "I actually don't know."
Sonic: "Freak."
Mario: "Well actually… You should say that about Ness."
Sonic: "What?"
Ness: "Yeah, what?"
Mario: "Ness, I know about your search history."
Ness: "Um, ok? So?"
Mario: "I know about the second browser."
Ness: "W-what second browser?" *Starts sweating*
Mario: "You know what I'm talking about."
Sonic: "A second browser?! Dude, I think I might already know where this is going."
Ness: "Where what is going? I-I have no idea what you guys are talking about."
Gordon: "No fucking way. This can't be real. We're talking about Ness right? The 'innocent' one?"
Ness: *Scoffs* "I never said I was."
Gordon: "Your attitude says otherwise."
Ness: "I have no idea what you guys are talking about."
Mario: "Don't worry, I'll gladly let you know."
Ness: "Y-you don't have to do that."
Mario: "Oh, but I do."
Ness: "No!"
Sonic: "Read it! I want to know!"
Ness: "Who's side are you on?!"
Sonic: "Your side of course, but also… I wanna know."
Gordon: "I also would like to know."
Kawasaki: "Guys, what're we talking about?"
Ness: "Nothing!"
Sonic: "Oh you know, we're exposing Mr. Goody Two Shoes over here."
Ness: "Mr. Goody Two Shoes?!"
Sonic: "Yeah you know, because you think you're so perfect and innocent."
Ness: "I never said I was perfect!"
Sonic: "You sure act like it."
Ness: "Dude!"
Kawasaki: "Guys, stop! Ness is a sweet angel."
Sonic: "Oh please."
Gordon: "Even I know that's not true. I mean look at him."
Kawasaki: "What? He seems innocent to me."
Mario: "Oh does he now?"
Ness: "Mario, stop!"
Mario: "Oh? Well now that just makes me want to expose you more."
Ness: "Expose me for what?!"
Mario: "Your search history of course."
Sonic: "Read it!"
Ness: "NO!"
Mario: "Alright, I'mma gonna list it."
Ness: "Wait, no!"
Mario: "MILF Bayonetta I wanna fuck your thighs?"
Sonic: "Dude, what?"
Ness: "I never searched for that!"
Mario: "Japanese lesbian bath."
Gordon: "Makes sense. He is Japanese."
Mario: "Big booty ebony octoling."
Sonic: "Wow."
Ness: "This isn't my search history!"
Mario: "Threesome with Hentai Girls- Massive cum shot?"
Ness: "I didn't-
Mario: "Caught jerking off in smash training room POV?"
Kawasaki: "What's POV?"
Mario: "Nymphomaniac assist trophy let's you have a turn? What the fuck?!"
Luigi: "Nymphomaniac?"
Mario: "Isabelle upskirt voyeur? Really, Ness? Really?"
Sonic: "Dude, Isabelle?!"
Ness: "What!"
Mario: "You looked up if she had an onlyfans."
Ness: "No, I didn't!"
Mario: "She does. Oh paid for it too! In fact, your subscription has ended. Oopsies."
Sonic: "Holy shit, I can't believe my ears."
Gordon: "Who's Isabelle?"
Sonic: "A dog."
Gordon: "A fucking dog?!"
Ness: "She's not a full on dog! She's an anthropomorphic dog."
Sonic: "So like me."
Kawasaki: "So wait, does this mean you are into Sonic?"
Ness: "NO!"
Sonic: "I dunno, man."
Ness: "I'm not!"
Mario: Clears throat
Sonic: "Sorry, please proceed."
Ness: "Or not."
Mario: "Wii Fit Trainer hot yoga and Sheik unmasked."
Sonic: "Ok, that one I can agree on."
Mario: "Let's-a turn items on this time? What?"
Ness: "Uh…"
Mario: "My perfect smash harem. Hanime."
Kawasaki: "What's a hanime?"
Sonic: "Anime, but hentai."
Mario: "Radiant Ike APRIL FOOLS SURPRISE ON LUCINA?"
Sonic: "Dude…"
Ness: I didn't-
Mario: "sEpHiRoTh ShOwS yOu HiS pOwEr? Sephiroth?! W-why Sephiroth?!"
Ness: "He's a beautiful man. You guys have to admit."
Luigi: (He likes... Men.)
Gordon: "What the fuck is a Sephiroth?"
Kawasaki: "Yeah, I'm wondering too."
Sonic: "A hot buff guy."
Mario: "It's just to keep each other warm- Ice Climbers trapped in icy cave animated?!"
Sonic: "Animated, huh?"
Ness: "Can we stop? I think we've heard enough."
Sonic: "No keep going."
Mario: "Step-sister Corrin footjob?"
Sonic: "So, you like feet, huh?"
Mario: "A… chuckles I'm-a sorry, hold on. A horny challenger approaches."
Sonic: "Hahahaha! I wonder who that was~"
Luigi: "I wonder too."
Ness: "Stop commenting."
Mario: "Simon and Ritcher Tagteam Alucard."
A moment of silence passes.
Mario: "TO SAVE THE WORLD?!"
Sonic: "HAHAHAHA!"
Ness: "Stop laughing! It's not funny."
Sonic: "So remember when you said you weren't gay?"
Ness: "I'm not!"
Sonic: "Your search history disagrees."
Ness: "This could be anyone's laptop."
Mario turned the laptop around so everyone could see. He minimized the browser and showed everyone Ness's profile. It said his name and everything.
Gordon: "Welp, now we know it's legit."
Ness: "He could've changed it to my name."
Mario: "Ness, I don't even know what most of this shit is. What the fuck is a loli even?"
Ness: "Uh…"
Mario: "No, seriously. It says I swear she's a thousand years old. Viridi legal Loli porn. Like, what?"
Sonic: "Dude... Doesn't Viridi have like an eight year old body?"
Ness: "She's over a thousand years old and it's a drawing! It wasn't the real her."
Gordon: "Wait, are we talking about a fucking child?"
Ness: "No! She's older than all of us."
Mario: "What about Isabelle?"
Ness: "She's older than me."
Mario: "Ok, but All alone with little sis... Isabelle Loli rape fantasy. So, uh, explain that one to me please."
Ness: "She's not actually a child! It's a fantasy scenario if she was you know... Your younger sister..."
Sonic: "You're not helping yourself here."
Mario: "But you intentionally watched a video of her being younger."
Ness: "No, it's an act. She's not actually younger."
Mario: "You're not getting my point. Also... rape?"
Ness: "It's not actually... It's scripted."
Mario: "You know what, I'm moving on."
Gordon: "Yes, let's move on."
Ness: "Or we can all just stop listing it!"
Mario: "Oh god… I don't even know if I should read this one."
Ness: "Then don't!"
Gordon: "What is it?"
Mario: "Princess Marth gets raped in his little boy pussy? PART 2?! Featuring Lucina Femdom, Pegging, Sissification."
Gordon: "Part 2?"
Mario: "What happened in the first one?"
Sonic: "Fucking part 2. Also Marth?"
Ness: "He's... You know, girly enough."
Mario: "What's in Villager's pocket? - Animal Crossing New Leaf Porn Comic?"
Sonic: "Dude, what's up with you and Animal Crossing?"
Mario: "Oh, here's another one. Your little sister Isabelle wants to learn about sex."
Sonic: "God, you're really into this incest shit."
Ness: "No I'm not! It was morbid curiosity."
Mario: "Captain Falcon Shows you his moves."
Sonic: "Hold on. I need to say something here."
Mario: "The floor is yours, Sonic."
Sonic: "So the Marth thing being not gay, I can kind of understand. I mean, he's crossdressing and he has a feminine figure. However, Captain Fucking Falcon and Sephiroth. You know, the two buff ass dudes. How can you say you're not gay?"
Ness: "I didn't jerk off to it."
Gordon: "Then why is it in your search history?"
Ness: "I clicked on it by accident."
Sonic: "How do you do that?"
Gordon: "He does like to mess up."
Ness: "Can we stop talking about this?"
Sonic: "Sorry, keep going Mario."
Ness: "No, like let's stop talking about all-
Mario: "Marth strikes with just the tipper."
Gordon: "Yup. There he is."
Mario: "Shantae: Half Genine Whore from the game Shantae: Half Genie Hero."
Sonic: "Shantae is a baddie."
Mario: "Smash strip game. Futa Pyra and Mythra gangbang you POV."
Sonic: "Aren't they lesbians?"
Mario: "Isabelle X Wolf."
Gordon: "You really like this Isabelle dog woman, don't you?"
Ness: "I-it's... I..."
Mario: "Alex is stuck in a fence [minecraft] Steve x Alex porn."
Gordon: "Two normal names."
Sonic: "They're block people."
Gordon: "Fucking legos?"
Ness: "They're not legos. They're people like us."
Mario: "An hour alone with Bayonetta. Submissive mommy's boy Joker ASMR audio porn."
Sonic: "Our first asmr."
Kawasaki: "What's that?"
Mario: "Hero tries his new spell - Audio - cnc rape porn."
Sonic: "What's up with you and rape?"
Luigi: ["Haa..."]
Ness: "It's not actually!"
Sonic: "Is that something you want to do?"
Ness: "No!"
Gordon: "I don't know. You seem waaaay too into it."
Ness: "I wouldn't actually do that."
Mario: "Your ebony mistress punishes you reverse slave play porn."
Sonic: "I've noticed a reoccurring pattern here."
Gordon: "He's got a type."
Mario: "What's this item do? [Drugged] [Reverse rape]. Well, Ness, what did the item do?"
Kawasaki: "Yeah, what did it do?"
Ness: "I hate you, guys."
Mario: "You find out what's in Piranha Plant's pot. I wonder what it was."
Sonic: "You know, I can respect this. The dude does not discriminate. He's into people of all color and sexes, animals, children, and who'd a guess, plants."
Ness: "I'm not into animals and children! That's blowing it out of proportion!"
Sonic: "I mean, we have the proof."
Ness: "It's fake!"
Mario: "I mean it is fake, but... The fact that you jerked off to these things make it seem a little sus."
Ness: "I-
Mario: "JOI plus Humiliation Soft Femdom, Submission - Shantae and Ebony Inkling Marina (Splatoon). Oh my god, this one shows up a lot. Like a lot... How many times did you watch this one?"
Sonic: "He's into dark skins."
Ness: "Yeah, so what?"
Sonic: "I dunno, I always thought you would be into only asians or blondes. Not sure why, you just gave that kind of vibe."
Gordon: "Yeah, same here."
Sonic: "Turns out you like em all and ebony is definitely your number one."
Ness: "So, what? Everyone has a preference."
Sonic: "Just a little caught off guard is all. Nothing wrong with it."
Ness: "Then why are you making it a big deal?"
Sonic: "Just commenting."
Ness: *Lets out a long miserable sigh*
Sonic: "I mean honestly I didn't think you were into animals and plants either."
Ness: "Can you shut up about that!"
Mario: "Metroid Futa Dark Samus fucks zero suit Samus."
Sonic: "My girlfriend, huh?"
Mario: "So are blondes like your second favorite?"
Sonic: "Lucas is a blonde." *Winks*
Luigi's eye twitched when he heard Lucas's name.
Kawasaki: "What's a futa?"
Sonic: "A girl with a cock."
Kawasaki: "You mean a chicken?"
Luigi: "No, you know the thing that I showed you."
Kawasaki: "What thing?"
Luigi: "When I dropped my pants."
Kawasaki: "Oh you mean that weird-
Ness: "Shut up! I don't want to remember that."
Gordon: "Yeah, no. Let's not."
Luigi: "I'm sorry."
Kawasaki: "But-
Mario: "This Isn't My Body Mind Swap - waking Up in Peach's body role play audio asmr. Wow. That's my fucking girlfriend."
Sonic: "Ok, but Peach is hot."
Mario: "True. I'll let that one slide. Next is Hardcore Reverse Slave Femdom Dark Skinned Elma Xenoblade Chronicles."
Sonic: *Snickers*
Ness: "What!"
Sonic: "Nothing, keep going."
Ness: "Hhhhgnn."
Mario: "Pokemon - Elite Failure - De'feet'ed by Busty Tropical Goddess Elite Four Olivia."
Sonic: *Snickers again*
Gordon: "Who's Olivia?"
Mario: "A dark skinned chick."
Gordon: "I see."
Mario: "Hey at least it wasn't the Pokemon itself."
Sonic: "Weird, because you know, Ness is into beastiality."
Ness: "Ok, first of all, Isabelle is an anthropomorphic dog like you."
Sonic: "I'm not a dog. I'm a hedgehog."
Ness: "You're humanized. I don't count that as beastiality. You and Isabelle are intelligent enough to consent. Animals can't."
Gordon: "Always got something to say, don't you?"
Ness: "If that's the case! Then Samus is into beastiality too! Let's be honest here, you and Samus fucked."
Sonic: "True."
Ness: "And she actually did it. I never did. So, does this mean she's an animal fucker? No! Because you're an intelligent individual that can consent."
Sonic: "Fair. I can't argue with that."
Ness: "See! I'm not into animals!"
Sonic: "You're into animals."
Ness: "I JUST-
Mario: "Shut up, Ness."
Ness: "..." *Glares at Sonic*
Mario: "Splatoon 2 A day with Marina - shy childhood friend opens up about her feelings."
Sonic: "I'm curious."
Ness: "No. Stop talking."
Sonic: "Are you more of a Marina fan or an Isabelle fan?"
Mario: "I'm curious too. You would you rather bang?"
Ness: "I'm not answering that question."
Sonic: "Let's be real, it's Marina."
Mario: "I don't know. Isabelle's name has popped up more."
Ness: "Why are we having this discussion?! Mario, don't you have evil plotting to do?"
Mario: "I do. But this is really fun. It's a nice break. Anyway I'mma keep going. Smash locker room hidden camera voyeur compliation 2 HOURS?!"
Luigi: (Wow. He can last for a while.)
Gordon: "That's too long."
Sonic: "This guy knows how to edge."
Gordon: "He watches way too much porn."
Ness: "I didn't watch all of it!"
Sonic: "That's hard to believe. Knowing you, it was probably a challenge."
Mario: "Oh, guys I found part one. Princess Marth raped in his little boy pussy."
Sonic: "Not featuring Lucina this time?"
Mario: "It doesn't say."
Gordon: "Was the part 2 better or...?"
Ness: "Stop asking me these questions."
Mario: "Big booty masseuse Corrin [F] gives client happy ending. Sharing a bed with nerdy step sister Robin [F] on vacation."
Sonic: "So, Robin, huh? I'm surprised it wasn't the male version or a futa."
Mario: "That's what I was thinking!"
Mario walked over to Sonic and gave him a high five while laughing their hearts out.
Ness: "This is humiliating..."
Mario: "Caught having sex with little sister... *snickers* Isabelle and... *starts laughing* parents join in orgy."
Sonic and Gordon: "Hahahaha!"
Kawasaki: "Orgy sounds fun. Is it food?"
Gordon: "Hahaha! Oh, shut the fuck up Kawasaki~"
Kawasaki: "Hey! That's not-
Mario: "Sex bot Samus for rent! Free - use porn."
Sonic: "Dude, not cool. She's my girlfriend."
Ness: "It's a bot!"
Mario: "Slim ebony Marina twerk on big dick and cum."
Sonic: "It really is like who's Ness's favorite. Isabelle or Marina. Hmm, I wonder if he looked up Marina's onlyfans."
Mario: "Hold on. Let me check."
Ness: "I didn't!"
Mario: "He did!"
Sonic: "No fucking way!"
Ness: "He's lying!"
Mario: "I can show you guys."
Mario flips the laptop screen toward them and they saw that he paid for the subscription and everything.
Gordon: "How many are you going to pay for? How rich are you?"
Mario: "Rich. Well... Not anymore. I think maybe it's a good thing I took your money. Saves you from this unhealthy shit."
Ness: "It's not unhealthy."
Luigi: "I don't think it's unhealthy."
Sonic: "Dude, no. This is a serious problem. Not even I watch this much and people think I'm the horny one."
Mario: "Guys... I... Hold on. This next one though."
Gordon: "Oh god, do I even want to know?"
Mario: "It's... *scoffs* It's bad."
Sonic: "Can't be worse than the child shit."
Ness: "Lolis aren't children!"
Mario: "Dark Skin Mii big ass anal queen stretched 8 inch cock hardcore."
Sonic: "Miis..."
Ness: "I-
Sonic: "The Miis... I can't."
Mario dropped on the floor and kicking his feet laughing. He could barely breath. When he calmed down, he wiped the tears off his eyes and continued to list.
Mario: "Ok, ok, moving on. *Pauses* Oh my god..."
Sonic: "No way, dude."
Mario: "Mii... Mii gunner thought she was home alone."
Sonic: "THE FUCKING MIIS!"
Gordon: "You mean the people you can create since the wii?"
Sonic: "Yes!"
Gordon: "Now that's desperation."
Mario: "Ness, y-you fucking freak."
Ness: "I didn't jerk off to it."
Mario: "I'm sorry, you can't deny this shit anymore."
Ness: "I didn't!"
Mario: "Let's make a splash - Splatoon Porn."
Gordon: "He really likes Splatoon."
Sonic: "Squid bitches. I mean makes sense. Japanese people are into tentacle hentai rape."
Ness: "That's a stereotype."
Sonic: "One that you meet."
Mario: "Blonde babes of Nintendo - Ft. Peach, Rosalina, Min Min, and Mythra. First time outdoor experience. Blonde step mom shows her tits. Assist trophy prisoners get their holes raped. Ssbu roster asmr and she jerks you off. Your gf's mom is Rosalina Milf seduction. You don't know Paluntena wants you to watch hidden camera voyeur. Smash Girls: Samus and Paluntena. Rex Rider finds out how else his aegis can serve him. Public train groping/rape. Corrin steps on you and eats you POV vore."
Sonic: "We found another kink of his."
Ness: "Ok, that one I didn't actually enjoy."
Gordon: "So you're not into vore?"
Ness: "No."
Sonic: "Tried something new and didn't like it. I get that."
Ness: "Sure..."
Mario reads the next one and gives Ness a look.
Ness: "What."
Mario: "PK Cumstorm."
Sonic: "Your own game."
Mario: "I'm disappointed."
Ness: "I... Ok, see that one was a joke."
Gordon: "Humor porn?"
Ness: "Exactly."
Mario: "No... I... No, that's... No."
Sonic: "So who would you fuck in your game?"
Ness: "No one."
Sonic: "Who's that blonde chick that followed you around?"
Ness: "Paula."
Sonic: "Yeah, so was that video about her or...?"
Ness: "Stop! Let's just stop ok!"
Sonic: "So it was about her."
Ness: "N-no!"
Gordon: "He hesitated."
Ness: "This whole thing is catching me off guard ok! My voice is shaky. If you were in my shoes, you would be panicking too! This is wrong. You guys are going through my stuff. You guys are the worst. How would you feel if-
Mario: "Nana gives Olimar a birthday surprise."
Ness: "Thanks for cutting me off asshole."
Sonic: "Never thought I would hear Olimar's name on the list not gonna lie."
Gordon: "Who's Olimar?"
Mario: "Just some midget."
Gordon: "You have a lot of kinks."
Sonic: "So, wait, you have a thing for Nana?"
Ness: "No, not even close."
Sonic: "I don't know. I've seen you hang out with her before. Why not ask her out?"
Ness: "Not interested."
Sonic: "Clearly you are. I mean this isn't the first time we've heard her name on the list."
Ness: "No! I don't like her like that. Also she has a boyfriend."
Sonic: "Oh, so that's what's stopping you."
Ness: "I wouldn't even if she was single."
Sonic: "Right, she's doesn't have dark skin."
Ness: "T-that's not why. I just don't like her like that."
Sonic: "See this is why you're single."
Ness: "No, I'm single because I don't care to have a partner."
Gordon: "Maybe the porn is taking away his chances."
Mario: "This is unhealthy."
Ness: "It's because I choose to!"
Sonic: "Nah, he an incel."
Mario: Oh... Oh no."
Ness: "What."
Mario: "I just read the next one."
Sonic: "What does it say?"
Mario: "Speaking of animals..."
Gordon: "No..."
Sonic: "Dude, you're about to look like a fool, aren't you?"
Ness: "What!"
Mario: "I don't care if he's my nephew DK x Diddy Kong. He's not TECHNICALLY my nephew DK x Diddy Kong."
Sonic: "Alright, dude."
Ness: "I can explain!"
Sonic: "Nah, you're done."
Ness: "No, seriously. Dk and Diddy Kong are intelligent. C'mon Mario, back me up. You know them. They're not your average gorilla and monkey."
Mario: "They're... Not the brightest."
Ness: "They helped saved subspace emissary! They're not dumb creatures."
Mario: "I... They very much act like animals though."
Ness: "C'mon, no they don't."
Mario: "It's ok, Ness. I'll move on for you."
Ness: "No, please just stop. This has been going on for over an hour! Aren't you guys bored?"
Everyone: "No."
Sonic: "Sorry, dude. This is like the most interesting thing I've heard. This shit's crazy. Especially since it's you. Like, I can see a creep like Wario or King K Rool have something like this, but it's you. You present yourself as this innocent guy, so it's just like shocking you know."
Ness: "Everyone watches porn."
Mario: "Yes, but yours is... Bad."
Gordon: "I can't believe I'm agreeing with our kidnapper, but yeah, this isn't normal."
Mario: "In fact, hold on. There's so much. I'mma scroll down a little until I find one that's crazy. Oh, well that didn't take long. Lucina loves her daddy - Incest, Lucina x Chrom. Remember to breath: WiiFit teaches you EVERYTHING. Yes, the everything part was all in caps. I wonder why. What did she teach you, Ness?"
Gordon: "New sex positions that he's never going to use."
Sonic: "Ha! Because he's gonna stay a virgin forever."
Ness: "No I didn't-
Mario: "It's ok, Ness. We know it was for educational purposes~"
Ness: "Stop..."
Mario: Oh no..."
Gordon: "Every time you say that, I think you're exaggerating until you actually name it."
Mario: "Yeah, this one is bad."
Sonic: "You say that about a lot of them."
Mario: "He has a lot of bad things in here."
Ness: "C'mon, no I don't."
Mario: "Game & Watch me rape this brunette slut."
Gordon: "Awww. That's pretty bad."
Sonic: "The pun makes it worse."
Mario: "Sonic, just a warning. You're not going to like this next one."
Sonic: "Huh? Why?"
Mario: "If Amy can't have Sonic, she'll have to take his buddy. Tails x Amy."
Sonic: "YOOOOO!"
Ness: "What! I didn't-
Sonic: "DUDE! THAT'S MY BUDDY!"
Ness: "It was a mis click."
Sonic: "NO! THAT'S... NO! Dude... What the fuck."
Gordon: "Wow."
Mario: "Uh..."
Sonic: "WHAT! WHAT ELSE DID HE DO?!"
Mario: "He looked up if he had onlyfans."
Sonic: "TAILS?!"
Mario: "Yeah."
Sonic: "Why?"
Ness: "N-no I... Ok, look, it was morbid curiosity."
Sonic: "Is that your only excuse?"
Ness: "I'm telling the truth. I didn't masturbate to it."
Sonic: "Have you masturbated to me?"
Ness: "No!"
Mario: "Uh, well... Here let me just read it. Eggman finally gets his revenge on Sonic by turning him into his personal sex robot manga. Wow, it has over 10 pages."
Sonic: "I always knew you wanted to fuck me."
Ness: "No, I don't!"
Gordon: "I dunno, you literallly watched porn of him and his friends."
Ness: "These are all jokes."
Mario: "It popped up multiple times."
Gordon: "I don't think it was a joke."
Mario: "I clicked on the first page, but sadly it's in Japanese."
Sonic: "Ness, translate it for us."
Ness: "No!"
Sonic: "Do you even know Japanese?"
Ness: "Yes."
Sonic: "Say something!"
Mario: "Yeah, say something!"
Ness: "Fine. 何を言ってほしいの?"
Sonic: "Whoa! What'd you say?"
Ness: "What do you want me to say."
Mario: "Seriously?"
Ness: "Yeah. I didn't know really what to say exactly."
Sonic: "Oooo, call yourself an incel."
Ness: "No."
Mario: "Wow, so wait, can you translate this comic for us?"
Ness: "No, leave me alone."
Mario: "Fine. I don't care all that much."
Mario read the next one and his eyes widened in shock.
Mario: "Oh my god..."
Gordon: "Is it Sonic again?"
Mario: "No... Worse."
Sonic: "How?"
Mario: "This was before... Oh god."
Sonic: "Don't leave us on suspense now."
Mario: "Kirby vs the roster 40 plus inch deep-throat?! T-this was before Kirby was turned into a woman."
Sonic: "K-Kirby? Wait, whoa, what?!"
Kawasaki: "Oh I know Kirby. He's my friend~"
Sonic: "The dude can suck."
Gordon: "You mean the pink haired girl I saw?"
Kawasaki: "Yeah! Although usually she's a ball."
Gordon: "A ball?"
Mario: "Ness, are you ok?"
Ness: "I'm fine."
Mario: "The list… It doesn't stop. You've been doing this everyday before I kidnapped you."
Ness: "I'm fine."
Mario: "If you need a curtain-
Ness: "No! I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Can we stop? Why are we judging me? We all have intrusive thoughts. I'm sure your guys' collection is just as bad."
Gordon: "I'm sorry, did he say collection?"
Sonic: "Why didn't you just go in incognito mode?"
Ness: "You guys don't go back to it?"
Everyone: "You go back to it?"
Sonic: "Wait, yeah he totally does. Mario said that a few of them popped up multiple times."
Mario: "I just go on the front page and start from there."
Sonic: "Same, I never go back to it."
Ness: "Oh come on!"
Mario: "Yours is really bad."
Ness: "What about yours, huh?"
Mario: "Mine?"
Ness: "Yeah, I bet yours is worse than mine. That's why you're exposing me."
Mario: "Sure, let's go to mine."
Mario took out his phone and showed everyone the porn he watches. It was mainly blondes, latinas, and other vanilla shit.
Ness: "W-well… Um…"
Gordon: "I didn't think it would be this bad."
Sonic: "It kind of makes sense. He is a virgin who spends a lot of time alone."
Ness: "C-can we not!"
Mario: "I know, but still. I didn't expect this from him."
Sonic: "I always kinda knew he was like this."
Gordon: "He acted too grossed out when Sonic brought up anything sexual. Clearly we all know why now."
Sonic: "He pretended he was above it all. Turns out he's worse than all of us."
Kawasaki: "Guys, why are we being mean to Ness?"
Sonic: "Because he's a degenerate."
Ness: "No, I'm not!"
Sonic: "Yeah, you are."
Mario: "Well, I just wanted to share my favorite pet's deepest darkest secrets. Anyway, who's hungry?"
Gordon: "My appetite is gone."
Sonic: "I can still eat."
Kawasaki: "Ooooh me too."
Mario: "Ness, what about you, are you hungry?"
Ness: "Leave me alone."
Mario: "That settles it. Luigi, go give each of them their food. Oh, and don't forget to give Ness a dog biscuit for being such a good boy."
Ness: "Fuck off…"
Luigi: "Yes, Mario."
Mario left, leaving Luigi with the rest of the chores. Luigi didn't mind. Luigi secretly liked that Ness was a freak. He didn't think he could fall more in love with him, but he just did. He thought about all the freaky shit Ness would do to him. No, he needs to burn these thoughts. It's wrong. Is it though? They're both adults. No, he shouldn't. In fact, he shouldn't have done that with the clone either. He and Daisy are planning on getting married. This is awful. He cheated on his Princess again, but this time he went all the way.
Sonic: "Hey, why are you staring at the floor? I'm hungry."
Luigi: "Oh, sorry my bad."
Luigi handed each of them their can of cat food. When he went over to Ness, he put the cat food down in front of him. The poor guy was covering his face the entire time. the green plumber felt sorry for him, but also he enjoyed seeing Ness all flustered. Dammit, he's doing it again.
Luigi violently shook his head to get rid of the toxic thoughts.
Luigi: "Um, Mario wanted me to give you this dog biscuit."
Ness: "Go… Away…"
Luigi: "But Mario-
Ness: "Luigi, not now."
Luigi: "Y-yes, Daddy."
Everyone fell silent. They all stared at Luigi and blinked a couple times. Ness lifted his head up and stared at Luigi with a shocked expression.
Ness: "What did you just call me?"
