Chapter 12: The Anguish Of Thyself

Akihiko stared up at another version of himself. A darker, twisted reflection. He was vaguely aware of Mitsuru struggling nearby… But pinned by her own duplicate. For his part, Akihiko tried to surge to his feet-

A foot caught him in the ribs. It slammed at his bandages, and the boot jabbed into his muscle. Akihiko tried not scream as he collapsed back on the floor… But he failed in even that. The burns from that Megidola spell sank deep into his skin, his ribs threatened to crack all over again, and his breath came out in a ragged sob.

And his body decided not to listen to him any longer, if all he could provide was pain. It wouldn't try to stand again. Akihiko was left gasping, writhing on the floor. His reflection took the boot out of Akihiko's side, letting it stomp down next to his face.

"Trying to still fight? You always were too stupid to quit." His other self had a twisted voice, matching that sneering visage. Those gold eyes glared into Akihiko… And Akihiko found himself glaring back. All around him, the flames seemed to dim a little, dying down to a background smolder and taking the heat with them. Leaving this other, twisted self to dominate his surroundings.

"Like I said… Too stupid to quit. Too stupid to know when you're out of your league. Too proud to admit otherwise… We should do something about that."

Even as his Shadow spoke, the temperature continued to drop. His skin twitched, warning him what was about to come next. But with no time or strength to react, as a chill hooked into his skin. Dark ice crackled through the air, slicing at Akihiko.

"She's gotten good at hurting you, hasn't she?"

Akihiko wanted to fight through the pain, wipe that sneer off the man's face… But the ice froze around him, and fixed him to the floor.

"You've both gotten good at it. Good at hurting the other. Good at lying about it, pretending it's all the same, just a simple bit of business as usual… It would be impressive, if it wasn't so sad." His doppelganger leered down at him, showing too many teeth in a rictus grin.

"…Why… How can you say that-?" For his part, Akihiko didn't want to listen. But he couldn't cover his ears against that voice; not with his hands frozen, and his body going cold and still.

"Because I'm YOU. The true part of you."

Something stirred nearby; a flicker of brilliant red hair.

"You were born from shadows-!" Mitsuru protested… And it was her turn to earn a strike from her Shadow. The rapier sliced along her side, cutting a long, thin line across her ribs. Mitsuru gave a weak gasp, and Akihiko wanted to scream. To do something that wasn't just lay and bleed on the floor.

"Don't interrupt." Mitsuru's Shadow admonished her. "A good heiress listens when her betters are speaking-"

"YOU'RE NO BETTER OF MINE!" Mitsuru shouted instead. She rolled away from another cut, tried to fight her way upright…

…That was when Akihiko's Shadow left him in a blur of terrible motion and power. He slammed into Mitsuru, planting a fist in her stomach and crashing her head to the ground. The sight left Akihiko ready to throw up… Or cry, and he felt his face burn as tears squeezed out between his eyes.

A low, hurt noise leaked out between his teeth… And that was what made his own Shadow relent. It left Mitsuru battered and bleeding on the floor, striding back over to him.

"Oh? Don't like seeing her hurt? Why not savor it instead?" His Shadow kneeled down next to him, and spat at the ring on Akihiko's finger. "After all… She bound you to this stupid agreement. Tied you down when you wanted to wander and grow stronger. She's made you soft, Sanada… Hell, you can't even watch that bitch bleed without crying about it."

Mitsuru's Shadow seemed unmoved by those words… Though she did turn on her heel towards Mitsuru. Akihiko's double watched her, and gave a mocking bow to her, allowing her a turn to speak.

-o-o-o-

'Stop looking at me like that.' Mitsuru glared at her Shadow. She put all her ire into that gaze… Because she had no strength for anything else. And her doppelganger was reveling in that fact.

"I think we're growing close to the heart of the matter. Peeling back all those lies you've built up." Mitsuru tried to keep her face impassive. Kept any pain from showing through, no matter how her body ached… And no matter what poison the Shadows spat at her.

Akihiko's Shadow had hurt. Both when he struck her… And when he voiced all the things Mitsuru had never wanted to hear.

"But there's always a little bit more, isn't there? A little more sorrow to dig up." Her Shadow mocked, like Mitsuru was a fascinating autopsy. "So let's push a little more. See what else you're hiding."

'Stop saying that-'

"Eyes up, Mitsuru… Or should I be calling you Miss Kirijo, the same as everyone else?" Her own Shadow gloated. Mitsuru's nails scratched against the floor, wishing that she could claw out those yellow eyes.

'Stop wearing my face-'

"Are you comfortable up there on your throne? Lording over everyone else, using and discarding them as you see fit? You'll do the exact same when you get tired of your latest toy-"

Mitsuru was ashamed of the way her eyes burned at that. Her Shadow didn't miss it, either. Not with the way she loomed over Mitsuru, smug and smirking. She flicked those gold eyes over Akihiko for a brief moment, and laughed over what she saw.

"…Oh, except that's not QUITE true, is it? Because you actually care about him… And that terrifies you, doesn't it? You're still the same scared little girl." Her shadow tapped a heel on the hospital tiles, before gesturing around her. "The same girl who can't let anyone get too close."

"S…Stop it-" It wasn't Mitsuru who rasped that out. Instead he eyes traveled to Akihiko, still fighting against the ice… And that turned the Shadows onto him in turn. The ice left Mitsuru's throat, as her doppelganger rounded on Akihiko.

"Still speaking out of turn. You never COULD learn manners, could you?" Her Shadow spat. "And you could never measure up to me."

"He's worried about that. He's always worried about not measuring up to Miss Prim and Proper. Not being good enough for her… But that's not the only thing he's afraid of." Akihiko's own Shadow was taking over now, circling them as he spoke. Choosing each word to jab and bleed, just like the ice cutting into Akihiko.

"No… What really scares you is what you're feeling for her. You're both so disgustingly alike. Both afraid of what you feel. Except you… You're worried about taking advantage of her. Moving beyond the contract and agreement. Because you've finally realized how you really feel… Though I'm surprised you figured it out." His shadow sneered. "It only took you a decade or two, to realize how you feel about her… And you're still a coward about it. One step forward, one step back."

-o-o-o-

"…Shut. Up." Akihiko found his voice just long enough to growl out those words. His Shadow didn't listen to him, throwing his head back and letting out a howl of a laugh.

"Too close to the truth again! But if you don't like hearing about it… What about seeing it?" His doppelganger prowled back to where Mitsuru was pinned by her Shadow. He threaded his fingers into the Shadow's darker hair, and then yanked back on it, pulling the other Shadow away.

Akihiko's stomach lurched, as his other self put his free hand on Mitsuru's Shadow. Those gold eyes narrowed in pleasure… And looked possessive, with how he traced a hand over her shoulder, and then groped at her chest. It ended with his double pulling Mitsuru's opposite close, letting her settle and straddle over his leg. There as a leer in both of their faces, and Akihiko fought with a wave of nausea clawing at his throat and stomach.

"Don't like what you see?" His Shadow taunted him. "Or… Maybe you like what you see a little too much."

He yanked at the Shadow's hair again, making her keen, before leaning in to bite at her throat.

On top of the nausea, Akihiko hated the way his heart was starting to pound. And how much he wanted to close his eyes to what he was looking at. Yet he couldn't bring himself to look away.

'This is wrong! You don't want this… Can't want this. She's your best friend, and you-'

"Still too scared to take what you want." Akihiko's Shadow sneered at him. "Coward. Weak-"

Their eyes stayed on him. Gloating. Proud…

…And so they didn't see when Mitsuru pulled herself up from the floor. She was bleeding; one side of her dress was marred with red, but she still staggered upright. Rage burned in her eyes, and she threw herself at both Shadows. No matter that she lacked a weapon; she grappled for the ice blade her opposite held… And for an instant, she held onto it and pried it out of those dark fingers. And she turned it on Akihiko's Shadow.

Akihiko still felt himself wincing as the blade cut through the chest. Too shallow to slash the heart, but deep enough to draw black blood. His Shadow roared in agony, and it was clear he felt the cold as keenly as Akihiko himself. For a split second, it looked like Mitsuru would overpower the Shadow. Drive him away, or slay him… But that was before her own Shadow lunged up. She didn't even flinch as the blade sliced her arm and split it into a mess of abyssal tendrils. All of them writhing, and lashing out to drive Mitsuru back to the ground.

His own Shadow was staggering towards her, bleeding black ichor. His foot pressed down on Mitsuru's neck, leaving her to gasp and wheeze.

"Stop!" Akihiko shouted again. Uselessly. Even his words came out as a hoarse, strangled cry.

"…Weak." His shadow growled.

"…Can't you stand, Akihiko?" His doppleganger sneered. In answer Akihiko tried to fight his way to his feet… But the ice held him fast, little grains of pain cutting away at his skin when he tried to struggle. Red threads traced down his arms and stained the ice a vivid scarlet. Red traced across the floor, tangled with Mitsuru's hair.

And red settled into a haze all over his vision, in mist and in flecks.

"Pathetic. After all this training, pushing yourself… You still can't save anyone." Mitsuru's eyes went wide, her breathing turning choked and desperate as the foot pressed down on her neck-

'Stop, stop, STOP-'

But it didn't matter how he begged and demanded for it all to stop. Mitsuru struggled, her sides stilled… And another voice cut into the air. The red in his vision seemed solid for a moment, forming into another shape.

"…Aki, what are you doing?" And that was the voice that almost broke him. That left him trying not to cry, trying not to listen. "Aki… What the hell are you doing?"

'Shinji-' He didn't want to see whatever was coming next. If it hurt to watch Shadows of himself and Mitsuru… He couldn't bring himself to hear the echoes and nightmares of his best friends-

"It's okay… We won't let them hurt you anymore."

The thought didn't belong to him, gentle and reassuring… And while he hadn't heard the voice in a long time, Akihiko still recognized it. Fuuka was doing her best to sooth him, calm him… And perhaps keep him still.

'I've finally found you. I have a link with you both, and I can send the rest-'

Before Akihiko could question that, a long hiss and a snap filled the air. Something shot across the space, and an arrow buried itself in his Shadow's shoulder. The Shadow staggered away from Mitsuru, finally giving her room to pull in desperate, shuddering breaths. Her own Shadow tried to tighten the ruins of her arm around Mitsuru.

But it didn't last. Not when fire lashed at the Shadow, driving it away. The flames bloomed suddenly, brighter than the phantom blaze tormenting Akihiko's memory. They were far more brilliant than that, burning away illusion and hallucinations. They even made that phantom image of Shinji flicker out… And seemed to hit the Shadow with the force of a punch.

Much like he recognized Fuuka's voice, he could still place that fire spell.

'Junpei-'

"I promised you; sending in the rest."

"You want more of that!?" Junpei's voice rattled the surroundings.

"Ready to give you more!" Yukari was backing him up. The both of them were ready for a fight… But even as Junpei and Yukari charged through the phantom flames, neither of them got any resistance.

The Shadows were badly wounded, and bleeding away in turn. They drew back, into the dark spaces of the distortion. Beaten, bloodied… But far from destroyed. Akihiko knew that, even as Junpei pulled him to his feet, and Yukari fretted over Mitsuru.

"Junpei…? Yukari-?" Akihiko choked out. Yukari glanced back at him, and Akihiko dimly realized that she was holding an Evoker against her head. Still pointing it directly at her forehead, and even years later he wondered at that stance. But she still got the shot off, making a clean summon.

Isis was brilliant against the shadowy landscape, and the breeze from her wings seemed to snuff and dim the flames. A familiar glow settled along Akihiko's limbs, as the Dia spell took hold of him. It closed his wounds in little more than a breath, banishing most of the hurt.

Most… But not all of it. Phantom pain still lingered along his limbs. And it did nothing for the fatigue… Or the sick, aching feeling still lodged in his throat and in his chest.

"You'll be alright." Yukari was already telling them both. Trying to get Mitsuru to her feet, even as the space dissolved around them. Leaving them back at the Kirijo estate.

Leaving Akihiko staring at Mitsuru, wishing he'd somehow been stronger… And even as the estate turned solid around them, he still had the Shadow's words ringing in his ears.

-o-o-o-

"Well, the good news is you'll live. Dia spells worked like they should've… Point is, both of you are mostly healed up." Yukari told Mitsuru. She was still checking for any lingering wounds and hurts on the skin; for her part, Mitsuru tried to keep her breathing steady. "The bad news is… We've got no idea what happened to either of you. Or if it can happen again."

After the torment they'd gone through, the distortions that had rippled the space around them, Mitsuru had expected the regular world to reflect some of that damage. To carry burn marks, scorches from Megido spells, or rimed in ice. Instead, her rooms were insultingly immaculate. Not so much as a pillow was out of place; more proof of what the DEVA device was capable of.

"I… Unfortunately have a few notions." She tried to keep her words measured in turn. To not show how badly the Shadows had rattled her… Though Mitsuru suspected she had failed in that. Particularly with how Akihiko kept looking at her, but always shied away from meeting her eyes.

"I had an unfortunate moment of weakness, after the ceremony. I lost my temper. And lost control." Mitsuru forced herself to speak. Even though the words were bitter on her tongue. "I feel that was enough for the SEBEC corporation to get a read on me. To figure out how to sink hooks into me, so they could pull me into their own distortions…. I trust you've read the reports on them?"

"Eh, well… Yukatan was good enough to summarize for me." Junpei answered. "SEBEC and Kirijo shared some history. And that includes messing with dimension-stuff. And going by what we saw, guess they can mess around with Shadows, too."

"They… Pulled those out of us both." Akihiko murmured. He was staring at his hands, almost glaring at them like they were a personal insult. "I couldn't do anything about it. Couldn't stop them from taking me and Mitsuru… Couldn't fight those Shadows off… And I wasn't even strong enough to-"

"Hey, hey! We all got our off days, right?" Junpei interrupted, forcing Akihiko's eyes on him. "Look… You're both still alive. You didn't have to watch her fade out-"

…Ah. Yoshino. Mitsuru winced at that memory. Even if the former Strega member still drew breath, such a wound would linger on Junpei. Small wonder Junpei was eager to steer and control the conversation.

"Point is, you'll fight again. And bet you that you can win this time."

Despite the pep talk, Akihiko didn't seem convinced. But she could see the way he still strained to smile, and nod to Iori; it was his eyes that gave him away, and the worry lingering behind them.

"Well… What do we do now?" That was Yamagishi, gently speaking up. "Do we…?"

"I realize how irresponsible this may sound… But I prefer to be alone. I feel it's unlikely they'll be able to pull me into another distortion so soon. The equipment must be straining from such a feat. And I feel that with Yamagishi on alert… It will take some time before they can make such an attempt again."

'And I won't let my guard down again.' She promised herself that. Wouldn't slip up. Wouldn't expose herself to any more weakness.

"Ah… Aegis-san has reported in. She's confident she can help jam whatever the DEVA device is doing." Yamagishi informed them. "She'll be arriving shortly… So I-I think that we should leave you to rest up."

Yukari looked as though she was ready to argue. But she also took another look at Mitsuru. And to Mitsuru's shame, Yukari must have showed how tired and battered she was, with how Yukari gave a shaky nod.

"Okay… But you don't mind if we stay the night? Keep an extra watch out?" Yukari pressed. Still worried. Still unhappy with the situation.

In that, they were a complete match.

"I would be… Grateful for such a thing." Mitsuru found herself admitting.

As she helped the others settle into their rooms with staggering steps and pained motions, Mitsuru told herself this was the smartest choice. Even as she laid down to rest in her own rooms and took stock of every sore muscle. It was better than being completely alone with her thoughts, and her guilt.

…Her nightmares also made for steady company. Nightmares of seeing Akihiko with an icy sword held to his throat. Of his eye gouged out and bleeding, the same as her father… And seeing a blood red blade in her own hands. Knowing that she was responsible for every ounce of his pain.

'I'm sorry.' She tried to tell him, but a weight crushed at her throat and crushed the words in turn. 'My fault… All my fault-'

She didn't know how long those nightmares lasted, or when she plunged into deeper sleep. But she did know that eventually, she woke up shaking… And with tears burning down the side of her face. It was a wonder she was able to pull herself out of bed, with how heavy her heart felt.

'You left things unfinished.' Her thoughts hissed at her. 'Small wonder you feel regret-'

In another moment, she realized what had woken her up. There was a rhythmic tapping and hitting from down the hall… And Mitsuru had the feeling she'd find the root of her regret, if she followed it.