It is the early morning around Taiyang's household, he quietly hums as he prepares an early morning breakfast…


Huntsman the Parenting

Taiyang and Big-G's Primer on the Supernatural and Local Folklore

(ft. Big-G's Homestyle Omelette)


Taiyang continues to hum as he prepares the tools and ingredients needed. Footsteps come from the hallway towards the kitchen, Ghira steps into the kitchen in his t-shirt underneath a pink transparent bathrobe, "Ah…" he stretches, "What a beautiful morning to-" Taiyang took Ghira by surprise and draws out his sword, ready to kill "WHO THE FUCK IS IN MY KITCHEN!?"

Ghira swings his sword, hitting the counter. Taiyang startled, fled in response as to not get cut in half as Ghira kept trying to swing his sword at Taiyang before he realizes it's him. "Taiyang!" he greeted, completely ignoring the fact he just tried to kill him at the first place.

Taiyang, still at alert and afraid, responded, "G-good morning, Sir G! Good morning… sword…"

"Sword? Wha?" Ghira tilts his head in confusion before looking at his sword, "OHUEHB- Ooh, this old thing!" he shows it to Taiyang before he started laughing then laughs louder before stopping himself, "A- Sorry. I uh- thought you were the landlord…"

"I… own this house." Taiyang said, calming down, "We don't have a landlord…"

"Oh, so that makes YOU the landlord, parasite…" Ghira grits as he looks at Taiyang with disdain before inhaling and coughing to shrug off the tension, "Well, in either case… Good morning, Tai! I. have. a request~!"

"Umm…" Taiyang gently asks as he points the sword Ghira's holding, "Put the sword away, and I can see what I can do?"

"Capital! Consider it done!" Ghira smiled as he threw the sword like nothing, then quickly grabbed a cup of coffee, "Ah Taiyang! My body YEARNS for my SPECIAL OMELETTE. Can you make it for me?"

"Sure… do you have a recipe?"

"I'll command the instructions to enter the brain with my POWERFUL VOICE."

"I- am- can- yeah- alright- just need to… mix Oscar's eggmilk." Taiyang stuttered.

"Mmm… egg~!"

Taiyang tries to prepare the eggmilk by putting the components into the blender, but after a few seconds of starting, Taiyang remembered something and cursed himself, "Aw shit! Do we have any jam left?"

"Hmm…" Ghira left the counter to check the storage for any jam but found nothing, "We are OUT! I'll have to get more when I next go grocery-snatching!" he said as he returns to stand near the kitchen counter.

"Agh Oum, Qrow won't ear his porridge without jam."

"Gaargh, what a child!" Ghira irritates, "He wants his porridge, but only with jam! He'll eat the beans but not the sprouts! He wants his leek soup but with absolutely NO MARMITE!"

"Such a baby."

"He is LITERALLY a baby! MY baby! Precious little small child, gods, he is so small... and ADORABLE!"

"Smallest possible child."

"SMALL, PERFECT CHILD!"

Both of them released a contented sigh, after a brief silence, "He's not going to eat this porridge." Taiyang deadpanned.

"Absolutely not. But he'll gobble up valean mussels like it's his goddamn birthright."

"True."

"Vale has corrupted my son! He would never eat marine mush before our return to these accursed reaches! Does he even know what happens in the ocean!? I DON'T! IT'S TERRIFYING! Put the mussels on his porridge…" Ghira demanded.

"I'm sorry, what did you want for your omelette?"

"Alright, so take the 'G' eggs and whisk them in a bowl."

"'G' eggs?"

"GOOSE EGGS!"

"…does the G in Big-G stands for 'Goose'?"

"I will remind you-" Ghira threatened, "-that I own illegal Atlas firearms."

"Right, sorry." Taiyang quickly grabbed some goose eggs.

"And don't forget the milk!"

"Alright and ah- wait, there's no milk I think."

"No, it's in the bag."

"…what?" Taiyang notices the bag and checks the contents, "…oh… isn't this unpasteurized?"

Ghira slams the counter, "LOUIS PASTEUR WAS A FASCIST IN LINE WITH THE NEW WORLD ORDER."

"Incomprehensible."

"I am turning the newspaper page!" which Ghira did.

"Um… you know, after living on the road for ten years," Taiyang said as he whisks the eggs, "I could imagine settling down in Vale must've felt quite cramped."

"Cramped?" Ghira scoffs, "No! The earth beneath us thrusts to the planet's heart, dear boy. Its air and heavens stretch past our reckoning, windows to a fathomless beyond."

"Oh… not the answer I expected."

"Beautiful child, even in the smallest of places, entire worlds may exist. If not in one's surroundings, then behind another's eye. It is only cramped if you lack vision."

"…Wow, deep thinking."

"Oh, only as deep as the ooze water at Merlot's Pirates Cove Adventure Golf Course. These are thoughts skimmed from the froth of my incredible mind, son. If there were any JUSTICE in this world, they would be foundational philosophies by now. NEVERTHELESS! I will begin construction of the omelette sauce…"

"Well wait, can't I do that?"

"I just do not trust you with this! Focus on the omelette… Put in those carbon rods, the one in the second drawer to the right."

"…Yeah, I was wondering what we were going to do with those." Taiyang then grabs the rods from the drawer, "Also, gods, the water in Pirates Cove… It always looked so artificial. Like, someone had an idea of what water looked like and tried to make it from scratch, but stopped at the color blue, only got halfway there."

"Oh, really? Ever looked into it?"

"The water?"

"Yes!"

"Well, as you said, it's all grody and blue."

"No, Tai! The story BEHIND the water…"

"Not particularly…? And I don't think they'd tell anyone if they uh… did have a story?"

"Loose lips sink ships on Pirate's Cove, eh? Mm… it could be the work of various different creatures…"

"Creatures? When you say that do you mean actually just mean, the clubhead, or the groundskeeper?"

"The Club Head?"

"Well-"

"The GROUND keeper? What silent, macabre horrors you have in this kingdom…"

"Okay, so-"

"We shall hunt them down!"

"The Vale County Golf Union might find that divisive?" Taiyang said before Ghira breaks into a laugh.

"Oh, child. There is not a golfer alive I cannot kill! Oh uh- pour some sulfur dust in next, just to get that tang going." Ghira said as he watches Taiyang sprinkle them onto the omelette, amused, "Good…"

"How's your omelette sauce coming?"

"Oh, it's a simple thing. One tablespoon tomato paste, one tablespoon honey, water, sauerkraut, ketchup, tonkatsu, a bit of RBMK reactor core graphite with Gamma Dust to taste-"

"A bit of what?"

"Uhh, ketchup?"

"…that's a bit off, does it?"

"…NO! Ah, that reminds me! I heard about your little story; the one about the Fiddler and the Monk?"

"Did you?"

"I did! Thoroughly charming but tell me though! Are there any similar stories surrounding Beacon? Or, hell, anywhere around old' West Vale as the natives call it."

"Oh, of course! It's a whole bloody legendarium. Anything particular that strikes your fancy?"

"My mind can devour all in this world! Specters, witches, werewolves, giraffes, I want it all…"

"They got giraffes at Patch Alive Safari."

"WHAT!?"

"Uh, let me have a think."

"Hmm… I shall drink caffeine." Ghira said as he loudly slurps his cup of coffee.

"Alright, I got a good one to start off. For the ghost side of things, one of my favorites is the bizarre tale of the Happisburgh Torso."

"Oh, that sounds absolutely INANE! Continue!"

"Okay, so over on the east coast, almost at the border between the Island of Vytal and North Vale, there's this little village called Happisburgh, right?

"How's that spelled"

"…H-a-p-p-i-s-b-u-r-g-h." Taiyang spelled it out as Ghira laughs after.

"Your people's rejection of your own language is inspiring."

"Fun being as its true."

"I'll kill the Signal Headmaster…" Ghira abruptly said, "but yes! I am aware of that wretches' hamlet. We lived in the caravan park for a month before this fucking ham of a man banned us from the public bathrooms! Can you believe it?"

"Why did he do that?"

"I do not wish to get into it! I divorced him the week prior, and it was FUCKED." Ghira slams the counter, "IT IS TIME FOR THE RICE!"

"Uh- was- this omelette has rice?"

"Fear not, 'tis my burden. You can go ahead and shred in some cheese and chlorine, please."

"Ah, well, okay." Taiyang proceeds to add them to the omelette, then tries to keep the conversation going, "So… the Torso. A little south of Happisburgh, about half a mile from that caravan park, there's an intersection between three roads. In its midst lies a small, grassy, triangle, quaint in its size with not much to offer."

"I IMMEDIATELY ASSUME THAT IT IS A SPECTER, VAMPIRE-"

"Sir-"

"OR GOBLOIDS CREATURES TURNED INTO A WALKING-"

"Sir G?"

"ABOMINATION"

"Please we just-"

"THAT IS IN FACT TRYING TO KILL" Ghira then starts to strangle himself.

"We're just crossing the roads right now!"

"Road is what my bus drives on!"

"Yes! Well, at this small triangular junction, there once was a well, and… well…"

"WELL?"

"Well. The well isn't doing so well… because it's not there anymore."

"DAMN IT…" Ghira sighs in defeat, "IF ONLY I HAD BEEN THERE IN TIME."

"There is a reason for this…"

Taiyang then proceeds to tell a story about the well, "Well Corner, it was called, back in the decades. For years, local men, farmers, and such, made terribly frightening reports of a strange figure, wandering up the main street of the small town."

Ghira listens intently as Taiyang continues, "At first, based on his bulbous silhouette, they believed he was injured or hunchbacked, an old man lolloping through the night. But upon a close inspection made by those few brave enough to get close, it was made readily apparent that this 'hunchback'… was the figure's nearly severed head."

"Bobbling behind him, hanging from threads that were the remains of his neck." Taiyang finishes as Ghira abruptly laughed.

"Talk about a PAIN IN THE NECK-!" Ghira cringes at his pun, like holding back his laughter, "YUAEEEEY I'M SO FUCKING FUNNY!" Ghira then proceeds to scream to sound like screaming at a pillow.

"Ahaha, yeah. Uhh…" Taiyang then resumes the story, "This same figure also appeared to lack legs."

"Okay, my immersion is broken." Ghira said disappointingly, "How could he walk around with no legs?"

"I… don't know? Ghost reasons, I assume." Taiyang replied as Ghira listens intently, "Anyway… he wore a sailor suit-"

"Aah! Sealegs, carry on."

"…He wore a sailor suit and held what looked like a saggy old sack clutched to his chest, desperately making way towards a particular destination; Well Corner. This figure could be seen for days, then weeks, after report upon report, sighting after sighting, eventually, the villagers decided that enough was enough. Something had to be done, they settled on a plan."

Taiyang continues to explain, "The shambling thing had of course been seen on its trail, leading all the way up to the well, where then the thing would throw the sack down into its depths, only to soon follow suit, crawling down, down into the murky, old well."

"The locals knew that there was only one way to properly investigate. So, they sent a poor Vale man who just so happened to be smaller than their average, down by a rope into a black well to investigate."

"Down went the brave valean late one evening, tense with fear, the murky waters still beneath him. The horror thick in the air with the notion that the silence could break at any moment with the sound of something waterlogged that is not meant to speak. This, until at last, the valean hung above the waters, and with a hook pushed down into the darkness, came upon something…"

"Quickly, upon his call, they fished up first the valean, then a large, brown mass from the bottom. It was a bag, one withing which they found, the mangled remains of two legs…"

"Ooo, I should hope they drained that bloody well." Ghira commented.

"Oh, of course they did. In its place, they even installed a new pump, and strangely, the sightings ceased after that."

"Hmm, really? Just from that?"

"Yeah, but… that very pump was actually removed some years after that."

"And?"

"And the villagers once again reported awful groaning deep into the night. By all accounts the ghost had returned… until, at last, the pump was reinstalled."

"Hmm… that doesn't make much sense…"

"Ghost in general don't make such sense?"

"NONSENSE! They make perfect sense! It's just a sense we don't yet grasp."

"Y-you think so?"

"My boy, all things are ordered and explicable. Even chaos harkens to the beat of unseen principles! There is no true 'RANDOMNESS' merely spontaneous whimsy!" Ghira explains, "Flowers wilt, waters flow, aortic valves implode, vampires suck! But never for no reason."

"…huh, that's a surprising outlook, sir, I always thought you looked at the supernatural world with more… well, wonder, I guess?"

"Boy, I oughta smack you, but I love you so instead I FLICK!" Ghira flicks his fingers towards Taiyang resulting for his ski goggles to break, this also made Taiyang react in response.

"Oh gods, you cracked my glasses."

"Order and wonder go hand in hand! Whether decoding chaos or indulging in its whimsy, the world around us is a ceaseless den of darkness and delight! Just as there is joy in understanding a facet of it, there is equal joy in knowing there is more to discover! THE QUEST GOES EVER ON, SANCHO! And whether windmill or giant, my lance strikes forward!"

"Of course, G Quixote."

Ghira laughs before shifting the focus of the topic back at the story, "Now then, this torso. He seems like an odd chap. Let's evaluate his authenticity…"

"Oh?" Taiyang replied with curiosity.

"Most spirits tend to be tied to objects, ones that linger from their past lives. I believe the common vernacular is 'fetters'?"

"Well, perhaps the well itself was a fetter."

"You see, to destroy a getter often de-stabilizes a ghost, turns them hostile. Like Qrow and his silly gamestation!"

"He was really torn up after you crushed it with a hammer." Taiyang pointed out.

"IT DEFIED MY WILL AND WAS SUMMARILY PUNISHED!" Ghira shouts in anger, "Next time, Qrow should share a fairer interest with me…"

"Look, Mariyo Party is unfair for everyone."

"It should be the least unfair for me!" Ghira slammed the counter.

"It can be if you play-"

"EVERYONE CHEATED BUT BIG-G… NEXT TIME, BIG-G CHEAT!" Ghira interrupted.

"…casual…" Taiyang meant to call him a casual under his breath, but Ghira misunderstood it.

"Yes, something more casual! Like Diplomacy! Or the Game of Ur! In either case, it's why so many ghosts act cagey when you trapse into their homes. You're essentially defiling their remaining memories of mortal life. It's typically unwise to disturb them. And even worse when those places are destroyed…"

"I see… and since the well is gone now…"

"Yes, you'd expect sightings to soar! However, it is also thought geists can find some form of peace through these fetters. Perhaps our sailor friend was a native of the village, he may have yearned for clean water in his dying moments at sea, or as a youth in Hapisburge or some such. Hapisborgh. Haypsburg. Whatever your evil devil-village is called."

Ghira continues, "It's pure conjecture, but mayhaps in bringing it to his village, he made peace with his death- before he went to hell, I mean…"

"Which explains why he only came back after the pump was removed!" Taiyang realized.

"Right on the money! Though, of course, it's just as likely this ghost was a Hack- Ha- Happisburgh Hoax to get the government to replace an old pump."

"You- Dd-" Taiyang was at a loss, "Or perhaps a story shared by bandits and criminals to keep roads clear at night. In the book I read, they suggested the chap was a smuggler or some such, likely murdered in a quarrel with his own- coooolge…" mispronouncing the last word, Ghira made a quick bit.

"His old Colge will get him! You know it's always the Crolge you DON'T see that gets you!"

Taiyang laughed, reluctant yet controlled.

"THAT WAS A FUNNY JOKE! I TAUGHT IT TO QROW!"

The two share a bit of quick laugh before Taiyang coughs and gets back to topic, "Right, sorry, he likely murdered in a quarrel with his own comrades."

"Ahh, who can say? Truths like these are hidden for a reason. For mankind to bring them hissing, screaming into the light for all to behold!"

Taiyang chuckles, "Right inspiring, sir! Ah- speaking of, could I ask how you- know any of this?"

"I ONCE ENTERED AN ABANDONED HOTEL IN ESSEN! A ghost threw a phone at me! I have studied their ways ever since…"

"…I-"

"PRY NOT, DAMN YOU!'

"…I wasn't-"

"DO NOT MOCK ME, PHILISTINES!" Ghira stood and throws a tantrum across the kitchen, "I'LL KILL YOU, NECROMANCER! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!" Ghira proceeds to incoherently scream, running around the house, hitting anyone, anything, ending up hitting someone as there was an audible scream of pain. Taiyang tries to calm Ghira down.

"D-DO YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE NORFOLK URBAN LEGENDS?" he shouted.

This made Ghira immediately stopped his tantrum and went back to the counter, "Of course!"

"Cool! Hmm… mm, well let's see, there's a lot to cover… Black Shulk, the Valean Priestholes, the Witch of East Mountain Glenn-"

"OOO, A SPOOKOY WITCH" Ghira said, clapping his hands furiously in excitement.

"Sure, we'll go with that one!" Taiyang coughs before he begins the story, "Long ago, a mysterious peg-legged woman was accused by the local clergy of witchcraft. While this was naturally a barbarous practice-"

"That shit was crazy!"

"While we know those accused of witchcraft were innocent, the Witch of East Mountain Glenn, for reasons we'll get into, was perhaps not. While proof of her deeds has been lost to the ages, stories abound of her sorcerous ways and for this, she was seized and buried alive beneath a church in the little village past east of Mountain Glenn."

Taiyang continues, "However, unfortunately for the church, this would prove to be their last mistake, for a witch's ire is rarely spurned. When the ground was cleared for her burial, she only laughed as the dirt covered her shackled body. Laughed and laughed as she was entombed within the soil, and she could be heard no more."

"The priests and congregated hunters celebrated their victory until her pegleg was seen, jutting out of the ground. First a mere shaft of wood, then a sprouting log, and then a great and mighty oak tree, which shattered the church and turned it to ruins! The husk of her victory can still be seen today. And it's still thought, should you be foolish enough, that you might wake her yet with the utterance of her true name…"

There was a silence, taking in the information, Ghira could only do but laugh in morally justified manner, or simply, laughing maniacally, he claps, "GOT 'EM!"

"E-excuse me?" asked Taiyang.

"SHE GOT 'EM!"

"I… supposed she did!"

"HAHA, CLASSIC!"

"You going to expand on that-?"

"NOPE!" Ghira quickly replied, "Also, I think the story is fake."

"O- wuh-" Taiyang, once more at a loss of words, "Well, Sir, I've taken you for many things, but never a… skeptic."

"Come on! It doesn't make any sense! I mean, why would they bury this woman in the middle of their church? What, did they just dig up the floor in the middle of mass, slap her in?"

"The story might not be entirely literal. They could have just buried her in the lower levels. I mean, the oak is there, that's a fact at least."

"Mmm, I still disagree."

"Why?"

"Mainly because it contradicts me!"

"A-at least you're honest?"

"Though, I will say. Your fake story does have all the marking of a Witch's dastardly death hex…"

"Assuming it isn't fake, of course."

"Of course."

"I admit, I don't know much about death hexes or witches and the like."

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- I explain." Ghira coughs, "Wizards and stuff, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"They can die if you shoot 'em."

"Cool-"

"THIS IS ALWAYS A BAD IDEA! PLEASE WATCH OUT!" Ghira grabbed a utensil and banged towards his cup to mimic a bell sound, "ALERT, ALERT, ALERT, ALERT-"

Not wanting for the cup to break and the sake of his sanity, Taiyang hastily acknowledges the warning, "Point taken! POINT TAKEN!"

Placing the utensil in the glass then moving it aside Ghira continues his explanation, "The reason for this is the death curse! It's this thing where-"

"They curse you in death?" Taiyang finishes.

"Correct!" Ghira smiles, slamming the counter gently, "and usually to death. It doesn't happen every time you smite a witch or wizard but often enough that it's very dangerous to attempt!"

"Oh, bloody hell." Taiyang cursed, "So you mean to say if there's an evil wizard running around, we can't do anything about it?"

"Of course you can! Wizards are nerds, you can easily punch!"

"Oh, good."

"But to be safe, make sure you aren't seen, or heard, or known to them at all before killing them instantly, or else your brain WILL be turned into a CORNED COBB, and this is a FACT!"

"Well~ as scary as killing one is, at least they're not so hard otherwise."

"Oh actually, they can warp reality with their wills and brains."

"…what?"

"Oh, ah yeah, near infinite power to alter creation."

"Oh! Man, and I thought Kevin was bad…"

"The Great and Mighty Kevin was formidable! But indeed, were he a true magus, I doubt you'd have survived your encounter."

"'Our' encounter? What about you?"

"Oh, I'd have been fine."

"I admire your optimism, but… I remember you… barely uh… surviving Kevin."

Ghira looked at Taiyang silently before saying, "…Y-Eah, I think your brain might be wrong?"

"How would it be any different if Kevin were more powerful?"

"Really, Taiyang! Do you honestly think your leader would dive headlong into the cave without a few tricks up his sleeve?"

"…Do you want the honest answer?"

"NO. Now be a good boy and add more garlic powder!"

"Sure thing, Sir G." Taiyang then adds the powder.

"More!"

"Sure thing…"

"dddOOO MOOORE!"

"Sure thing, Sir G~!" Taiyang said in high pitch.

"NOW TELL ME SOMETHING ELSE!" Ghira said as he slammed the counter, unaware he broke a plate.

"WHAT!?"

"Tell me about something else?" Ghira asked gently.

"Uh well- There's always our most classic tale! The mysterious, red-eyed dog Grimm of East Vale… Black Shuck."

"Ooooo-! You have my incredibly variable attention!"

"Black Shuck is a mysterious creature. Tales of its appearance date back to at least 5 centuries, but probably stretch even further. Stories of a pitch-black hound with dreadful red eyes whose glow portends calamity and misery…"

"Though one could categorize it with the common Grimm, it is a little similar to a Banshee then, eh?"

"I suppose so! But unlike a Grimm, Banshees are more direct. The howl of a banshee is meant to reflect an imminent demise and is thought to be a spirit of the dead or some kind of fae or something. Shuck is different. For instance, Shuck was said to have appeared before a large congregation at the Holy Church of Mistral. Shattering through the doors in a clap of thunder, Shuck's appearance befuddled and terrified the congregation."

Taiyang continues, "Pitilessly, Shuck strode to the nave, ripping a man and child to shreds where they stood. The crowd stood agape before the steeply of the church collapsed down upon them all."

"How curious!" Ghira commented, "Now this is an exciting story!"

"Oh-ho-ho, well! It gets even better! The very same night, there was a reported sighting in another church, Black Shuck again interrupted a congregation, this time in a burst of flame. He launched through the crowd, inciting panic, and delirium before brushing against two curious individuals in the midst of prayer…"

"Ooo, the anticipation is killing me!"

"…before those same two suddenly fell dead, like marionettes with broken strings."

"Yes… Yes! YES! MY BOY! I AM GOING TO KICK THIS DOG!"

"…pardon?"

"Oh, Taiyang, surely you see! This little hellhound is causing a commotion! A ruckus! Killing people, eating souls, probably barking! Which means it's a victimless crime to experiment on him!" Ghira then laughs in a frantic manner.

"Uhh... Not to dampen your mood, G, but uhh... This all happened centuries ago-"

"TIME MEANS NOTHING! There is not a statute of limitations on being a goblin!"

"Eh- he's a dog."

"YES, WHATEVER THAT IS."

"Well, I suppose there are modern sightings. Though they're far less dramatic."

"Ooh?"

"Yeah, usually people getting spooked and being like; 'Aww no mate that's Black Shuck innit' and it is, and... Yeah, that's the story there, it's kinda lame."

There was a breif pause of silence, Ghira seemed to think over what Taiyang said and came with a conclusion, "PROPAGANDA."

"...what?"

"It sounds like propaganda. Perhaps there is a network of this dogs..."

"What?"

"A network of dogs running a joint venture to keep the common man quiet about DOG CRIME and dog poker..."

"...what!?"

"AND THE ONLY DOGS I KNOW TO DO CRIME ARE THE WEREWOLVES!"

"Ah- oh- Wait, hang on, you know about werewolves?"

"My boy, if there is a supernatural pest on this planet, you can assume I have bested it at least once. Remind me to tell about my Mummy adventure sometime..."

"...Mummy?"

"Eh, on second hand, don't, you're from Signal."

"Okay, I know the allegations of Signal having a history of plunder and thievery, but even so it can't steal your funny mummy moment."

"PRESUME NOTHING! ALSO, BURN YOUR KINGDOM INSURANCE PAPERS!"

"What!? Why!?"

"THE POWER OF TRUE NAMES RUN ETERNAL! EVEN ENMESHED IN CODE!" Ghira clears his throat, "Ah! So, Evil dog."

"This is a lot to pack in, and you've barely even given me werewolf facts."

"WEREWOLVES! That's right!" Ghira coughs, "Well, randomly attacking churchgoers certainly fits their M.O. at least in the period."

"Wait, really?"

"Oh yeah! For much of their history, werewolves have been insane neo-pagan theocrat berserkers."

"You say 'much of their history'. What about now?"

"Ah these days, they're more like insane neo-pagan theocrat berserkers."

"Ahh, natch."

"BUT! Some of them go on the computer! And in my experience, those ones are typically far better adjusted. Which is ironic, considering the computer is the devil."

"Huh. Who'da thunk it?"

"I'da thunk it! But then, that's cheating because I already knew but there are things that line up and don't line up about Black Shuck as a werewolf!"

"Ah, do tell."

"For one, the more recent sightings tend to be rather uneventful, correct?"

"Eh, mostly. A lot of people just seeing him, maybe something unlucky happens afterwards. Links to disappearances from time to time but nothing so dramatic as murders in the middle of mass."

"Hmm... it could be that this werewolf or possibly werewolves has simply learned how to better cover their tracks. In the past centuries, outright attacks on religious, scientific, and mystic organizations were more cAM-on." Ghira gags on the last word, "COMMon- COOOMmon- That's COOOOMMon" giving up, Ghira clears his throat as Taiyang gave a few chuckles.

"These days, you need to keep a low profile to survive but there's also the matter of modern sightings! Their banality aligns with a werewolf phenomena known as 'the Delirium'."

"Charming name."

"And despite how BORING these modern sightings are, an apt one! This Delirium is a side effect of the shapeshifting process, essentially, when a werewolf enters their MIGHTY WARFORM, humans and faunus tends to... panic."

"Well, I suppose I might panic too if a giant monster jumped out at me."

"And we'll work together to break this bad habit, Taiyang! But that's not what I meant. I mean... a supernatural panic. Supposedly there's some resonance in the psyche of mankind with werewolves as its primordial hunter and bla bla bla... Like that's true, anyway... but nevertheless, when a mortal witnesses a werewolf's warform, they tend to go briefly mad."

"Mad how, exactly?"

"Well, they might run away, or freeze up or attack with insane vigor. Often their reaction depends on the strength of one's will."

"So, the average person flees..."

"And usually with no recollection of events." Ghira finishes, "Worse, still it's almost impossible for normal people to avoid, even in part! One must be either extremely strong willed or supernatural themselves to avoid Delirium completely."

"Have you ever suffered the Delirium, sir?"

"AHH NO, I'm built different but those without these BULGING BRAIN MUSCLES are in for a world of hurt! I train you and the others for precisely this reason!" Ghira slams the counter, "Genius! Gains! G-ohmygodI'mlosingmychanceforathreeGalliterationohgodhelpme-" Ghira slams the counter faster and faster as he tries to think another G word then came at, "GLORIOUS! That's the word!" he claps.

"Last words a bit of a stretch, mate?"

"HAAAA!" Ghira stood then flicks Taiyang, "These are the things I instill within you with my relentless chicanery!"

"Is that why you ruined Qrow's 12th birthday by dressing as the Bog Goblin." Taiyang laughs at the last part.

"Abso-fucking-lutely!" Ghira replied causing Taiyang to break in laughter, "Yes..."

"That was really traumatic to him. In RS, he exclusively levels his combat stats killing goblins."

"Then the student has become the master." Ghira sniffs, "I'm so proud... A-anyway, hey, uh, don't fight a werewolf, by the way."

"Y-yeah, I've heard they're though. But with how well we did in the tunnels against those vampires, I'm confident that-" Taiyang gets cut off as Ghira places his hand on Taiayng's shoulder, his face focused, serious, as if Taiyang said something wrong.

"No."

"What?"

"You aren't ready to fight a werewolf, Taiyang. Not yet. The fledglings we fought were fearsome, yes. But a Werewolf? Listen well. Werewolves are killing machines. They are supernatural soldiers fighting a war we barely understand. Do not fight them." Ghira warned.

Taiyang looked at Ghira, taking the information in, "I'll take your warning to heart, sir. But… what if we're forced to?"

"Their weakness is silver due to compact with the moon. Silver dust bullets, silver knives- use them. Focus on evasion and trickery. When they're at their most dangerous they're at their most feral. Blind them, distract them, trust your wits, not your fists."

"…right, I understand."

"Good…" Ghira slams the table, "BECAUSE IT'S OMELETTE TIME!"

Taiyang looked over to realize the cause of the black smoke and smell of burnt egg, "OH SHIT I FORGOT THE OMELETTE, IT'S BURNING!"

"Fear not! It's just the way I like it!" Ghira scoops the omelette with his bare hands, "Here we go… and now the sauce…" Ghira then grabs a bottle then pours over the omelette.

"Is it supposed to smell more like egg than eggs do?"

"Yep! eAgg!" Ghira said as he then puts it on the blender.

"Why are you putting it in a blender?"

"Oh! To blend it! Yessir!" he said as he turns it on, holding down the lid to not make it spill, "Big-G's Homestyle Omelette! AKA, Sulphuric Acid!"

"…you're not eating that, right?"

"Silly boy! I would probably die or throw up! No, this is for our illustrious guest! The GREAT and MIGHTY KEVIN!"

"Ah, I understand. Wait they are way easier ways to make acid, I understand nothing."

"IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING! Besides, Kevin is a vampire, they can't eat food! By mixing the acid with food, it makes it even more unpleasant!"

"I-is that gonna kill him?"

"I mean- WELL- err- I don't- uh- um- YEAH- I dunno… BUT! Ideally, it won't come to this. This is just for torture purposes!"

"Somehow that's even worse."

"Relax! It's actually VERY funny, and moral and besides! It's the THREAT of torture that's the most important! That ol' Tremere will crack like an egg before I have to use this stuff, mark my words!"

"…Tremere?" Taiyang asked before Ghira screams in extreme distress.

"Yes! That is the name of one of the Vampire Clans! Everyone hates them and wants them to die!"

"Oh, do go on, Sir G!"

"I- well-"

"What's their civil structure like?"

"Aah-"

"Are they bloodlines?"

"I-"

"Families? Impersonal syndicates? Do they confer abilities? What are their secrets? Are there any Vale Clans? What are the other ones? What's an Antediluvian within this context!? Why does Pyotr HATE them?"

"TAIYANG!" Ghira shouted causing Taiyang to stop asking, "I have two cruel truths to impart upon you."

"Ah… o-okay."

"The first is you will need to buy a new blender." Ghira then points towards the blender, no longer working as its internal parts melted by the acid.

"Aw bollocks…"

"Second! Vampire lore is uhm… tricky. More than any other supernatural creature, vampires DESPISE being unveiled. They relentlessly hunt any breach of their vaunted secrecy with organized and military precision. As such, though I know much, I speak little of it, and sadly, share even less."

"Of course, but surely you can trust your own team-"

"Trust has little to do with it! Say I share all that I know. Indeed, to truly destroy this foe, we must understand it! But if I do so carelessly… notice how the conversation started. I carelessly said the word 'Tremere'."

"Yes…?"

"If we were in public, in a restaurant, or on the street when I had said that… we would very well have to move."

"That's a tad extreme-"

"And it is necessary." Ghira finished, "The Masquerade, they call it. To wear the mask of a human. To blend in with us, to convince us their existence is but a fairy tale. Any breach in this Masquerade is a threat to their very existence. For even though they are individually more powerful, they fear mankind more than anything else, for they are few, and we are many."

Ghira continues, "Should wider society discover the existence, man might well eradicate them. For while an especially mighty vampire could slay a hundred mortals, there is a limit to their strength. Few break easily, but all break, and that is not to speak of their most hated enemy, the sun. Its ancient rays scorch even the eldest of their kind to charcoaled bone. Vampires cannot be rid of their great adversaries, for the sun is beyond their reckoning and humanity vital to their survival."

"Thus, most work to preserve their 'Masquerade', hiding in the dark, carefully balanced upon webs of intrigue and murder. To further this end, Vampire have many agents. Ghouls, they call them—mortals grown addicted to vampiric blood. These half-men gain a whisper of their master's power in exchange for fanatical servitude. Unlike their masters though, ghouls need not slumber by day. Their eyes are EVERYWHERE, and they watch vigilantly for the slightest breach of undead omertá…"

"This is why we Hunters are responsible for the vampire threat much as how the Huntsmen are responsible with Grimm. We learn as much of the vampire as we can and spread it, safely, to ensure these parasites become the forgotten myths they pretend to be. Even this is a treacherous task, for we cannot know which parts of our collected vampiric lore are mistaken assumption, the earnest truth, or malignant propaganda."

Taiyang took his time to take it in, "I see…"

"So, rest assured! I will teach you what I know, but slowly. They might not blood hunt you for knowing a word or two… but they certainly will if you know their meaning."

"And what is a 'blood hunt'?"

"They'll kill you for knowing what that is too... WHICH IS DUMB because it's kind of just what it sounds like! Every vampire in a continent, hunting you! F-for your blood!"

"Haard to figure out…"

"BREACH NOT OUR VEIL OF SCERECY!" Ghira mocked as he scoffs, "Vampires are so silly."

"Still, it'd be nice to know what we're dealing with. For instance! Pyotr flashed in and out of visibility on the security cameras, and I swear, that Ape boy gets uglier every time I see him."

"Ape boy was the Qrow of the group, right?"

"Absolutely."

"Ah, fuck'em."

"Oh yeah, fuck'em."

"But yes! Your questions are valid. Let me say this, then. Pyotr, that uh, Sludge Lad?"

"…not the right term, is it?"

"Uh, no-ho-ho-ho-ho, but that Clan are vampire info-brokers so it's one of the scariest ones to actually know! 'Sludge Lad' is just fine for now. We're going with 'Sludge Lad'."

Ghira clears his throat, "Primarily they are known for four things. First, their ability to turn invisible. Some can even use vampiric magicks to alter their appearance, appearing as something they're not. Second, their ability to control animals. Nos- erk-! SLUDGE LADS are known to use legions of vermin as their eyes and ears. After all, who better to eavesdrop then the rats in your wall?"

Ghira continues, "All the worse when they're ghouled by their undead masters, and gain a smattering of their vampire magicks…"

"That explains your intense pest control methods." Taiyang replied.

"LISTEN! I trained Port on a steady diet of home-hunted spy-rats and look at him! What once fear of mice now becomes the destroyer! Isn't that good!?"

"And so, the third and fourth things?"

"Ah thing three is that they're ugly."

"Oh."

"Butt ugly."

"Ah."

"Don't pity them, honestly, some of them make it work."

"Oh gods… Did- when he called me 'lover boy' when I said he looked hideous… Do Pyotr think I was hitting on him?'

"I can't say for sure, but also yes definitely that was the case."

"…Shit!"

"FEAR NOT! I will not inform Qrow about your TWRIST with the SEWER CHILD. OH, uh, the fourth thing. They're super strong and can juggle dumpsters."

"…OH. OH NO. Wwwwu- we have him in a tiny cage, is that going to hold?"

"Well~ if he hasn't broken out… Did Port make the cage?"

"Euh… maybe?"

"Hm, if he did, NO WORRIES. If he didn't, why didn't he?"

"That's true."

"Well, the Lad could be biding his time… or he figures he can't break through the BIG, big vault that is our cellar, so he's waiting for his chance to escape… OR…"

"Or…?"

"OR… he could just not be very strong."

"Oh. I see, or, well I mean, Qrow insists his kick was pretty alright."

"Oh, all vampires are capable of some superhuman physical feats, but he probably couldn't throw a car or whatever, drained as he is."

"Good thing, we stabbed them bloody, then. It seems like a pretty big weakness, if their strength is beholden to their amount of blood."

"Yes, being a vampire is a fine deal! Until you notice the many caveats. For instance, their strength is weakened with every generation. With each new passing of the supernatural disease that is vampirism, the power within the blood of each new childe lessens. Additionally, the vampire's unique magicks are like any other mundane skill!"

Ghira continues to explain, "Some come intuitively, others start at different levels of expertise, but all must have time and effort put into them. It could be that Pyotr has simply not mastered the vampiric art of Potence or has only honed it to a slight edge."

"It'd account for his performance back in the tunnels, I suppose." Taiyang pointed out, "He seemed like he'd be tougher than he was."

"His kind are sometimes brawlers, but Pyotr himself? He seems like an opportunist to the core. A straight up fight seems out of his element! The real danger comes from which of his other skills he's applied himself to…"

"So, invisibility, or animal control."

"Him being able to disappear even on camera tells me his specialty might actually be invisibility. Not everyone is capable of that little hattrick or ugly."

"Yeah, he's really honed that into an art."

"Ehm, I've seen uglier."

"Fair enough…"

"In Happisborgher…" Ghira tries to pronounce Happisburgh poorly.

"Sure…"

"When are they gonna knock that place off the map… Now then! This has been a delightful conversation about essentially everything in Remnant! I must now go pour terrible slime down Kevin's gaping maw, but before that! Be very cautious during tonight's interrogation, I'm sure everything will go well! Just remember… even a feeble opportunity like Pyotr can be the death of you."

"Duly noted. Underestimating any supernatural quarry is a very bad idea."

"Exactly! My performance in the cave is evidence of that. I am the most experienced and skilled hunter of this team. Yet when I let my guard down, an inferior foe holds me at knife-point, this is something you must truly understand."

Taiyang sighs, "Hunting isn't as simple as a video game or an action movie, huh?"

"I am not a 'Video Gamer', so this absurd language doesn't touch me! 'Commando' however is an excellent piece of cinema, so I'll say YES, you get it."

"…say, what was up with those tunnels, anyway?"

"I WILL TELL YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLDER, by a few days, at least, cause I TIRE OF these QUESTIONS!"

"Aw… but, I guess I should probably move on myself, breakfast's cancelled, I've got to buy a new blender, it seems."

"IT DOES INDEED SEEM THAT WAY, TAI. Want me to drive you?"

"I'm fine! I'll take the runabout, less gas spent, you know?"

"Ahh, yes, money and… heh, all that. Well, good fortune on the road and fare thee well."

"Fare well I shall."

"And Tai? Know that I am very proud of you, and your blender."

"…thank you." Taiyang places the utensil away then cleans the kitchen before leaving.

"Ta-ta!" so does Ghira as he mumbles something unintelligible towards the cellar.


END OF AUDIOLOG 1

NOTES:

New chapter! I decided to start doing AUDIOLOGs as well for additional context and expansion of the story. It's been a while, but I have delivered to you a new chapter. If you notice any errors or inconsistencies with RWBY's lore, let me know! I shall try to fix it.