I draw back from the fire shacking with a mirth I cannot suppress. Bloody George. Unbelievable how impudent he can be. Although, I must say, he raised my moral. One of the reasons I never divorced Ron, besides the children of course, was my fear of losing the Weasley family. They became my family. I love my parents very much but being an only child, it has always been quite lonely, and it was wonderful to me to be able to mix with a family as theirs. I don't know how Molly and Arthur are going to take it and if I'll be able to participate to gatherings, probably Ron won't allow it, but I know at least George is on my side, and apparently everybody else too from what I can collect.
Now I'll write to McGonagall, I need to find a lawyer (English or Rumanian? Both, I think…) and I need to make sure Hugo will be fine. Thankfully the English house is on my name, but I'm sure that if I play well my cards, Ron is the one that will have to move out from the Rumanian one. Oh, Ron won't know what hit him.
It takes me a few moments of silent bitter jubilation to realise that Harry is standing beside me while I'm still kneeling on the floor. He is observing me in consternation 'You are divorcing Ron' he only says astounded.
'The door was closed. Why did you get inside?' I reply accusingly.
'I wanted a glass of water. I didn't know it was a private conversation. Are you divorcing Ron?'
I stand up taking a big breath; Harry has never been too friendly with the idea of me divorcing Ron.
'Yes Harry, I'm divorcing Ron' I confirm walking outside the kitchen. He tails me quite upset 'Why? Is it because you got back here?'
'I suppose that is what triggered it, but you know there are many issues in our relationship' I'm in the living room now giving him my back.
'Is it because of me?' I heard him saying.
I bite my lips uneasy. It is not only because of him but I cannot pretend that, surely, it's not one of the main reasons.
He grabs my shoulder and spins me facing him.
'Is it my fault?' he repeats.
I shrug his hands away 'Harry, the situation is complicated. There are many reasons. You know I don't love him and if I'm not wrong you were surprised too at me staying with him not loving him'
'I know but you cannot divorce him! Not now! Not because of me!'
'It had to happen sooner or later'
He shakes his head in distress 'Hermione, think about it. Think about your children! They are going to suffer if you do this!'
I start to feel a tinge of irritation, so I interrupt him upset 'They are suffering now seeing us fighting like that!'
'They will suffer much more if you separate! You must do what's best for them!' he fires back.
'Don't you think it's a bit rich coming from you?!' I snap pointing an accusing finger to his chest 'You are basically planning to abandon your kids, you refuse to see Sunrise despite she asks for you daily, you want to wash your hands from them, and you tell me that I must do what is best for mine! Why there must be a rule for me and a different one for you?'
He widens his eyes surprised by this outburst, but then his brows knit together 'I'm doing what is best for them! I've always done it!' he shouts enraged drawing away from me and pacing the room up and down 'Do you think I relish in the idea of not seeing Siry anymore? Do you think I'll be happy not to be able to witness my boys growing? Do you think I rejoice in becoming a stranger to them, in the idea that Siry won't know who I am ten years from now? I'm keeping them far because I care for them! James suffered enough because of my mistakes, Sunrise is the product of the worst there is in me, and she is paying dearly for it without having any fault, and Albus, who was fine, lost his mother because I killed her!'
'You didn't kill her!' I yell trying to interrupt his agitated ranting.
'I did, it's my fault, it was me.' he barks confusedly and not giving me the time to retort, he carries on hurriedly 'It's because I love them that I want them forgetting about me. Don't you understand?! I only hurt people around me. I hurt them, I hurt Ginny, I hurt Ron and I'm hurting you!'
He let himself fall on the bed taking his head in his hands but then he roars with frustration and stares hard at me 'You cannot divorce Ron. I cannot carry also this fault on my shoulders'
'It is not your fault!' I burst out 'And you are telling a nonsense after another. You are not hurting anybody'
'Yes, I do, I did!' he shouts staring at the floor now his chest moving fast up and down with his heavy breathing. He rubs his face as I say 'That's not true! You didn't kill Ginny! You didn't hurt anybody! It just some twisted felling-guilty-thing you have!'
He removes his hand from his face struck by my words, but then he darkens, reclining his head 'Feeling-guilty-thing?' he repeats narrowing his eyes.
I nod boldly. One of his problems is exactly this, he feels all the problems in his family are his faults, he blames himself for anything.
'Right' he says purposefully as he stands 'I didn't want James. For the first two years of his life, I almost never even looked at him. And when he grew up, I never really talked to him. I never allowed him to get to know me, to protect him I neglected him. I have never been able to give him what he needed. When I finally understood and tried to mend my mistakes and it was working fine, his mother has been killed only because my wife. She didn't have any fault. She has been tortured to death only as a tool to get to me'
'That doesn't mean that you kill…' I try to interrupt him, but he doesn't allow me. He come up to me staring with that piercing greenness in my eyes and continue.
'I raped Ginny'
I'm frozen, for a moment I cannot speak, thinking I misunderstood, I blort out 'Pardon?'
'I raped her' he repeats under his voice keeping his eyes locked with mine. A chill sting my body.
'After Lily died. I was distraught, I was angry, I was furious. She hadn't any fault. She wanted to help me, I blocked her wrists and I forced her. I've been brutal and I really hurt her. I wanted to hurt her. The next day she was covered with bruises.'
I'm rooted on the spot, uncapable to say anything, I cannot believe it. He must have imagined it; this cannot have happened for real. Not him! Not to her! I gulp and when I'm about to speak he continues.
'That is how she got pregnant of Siry. The little girl is born because I raped her mother and because of some strange twisted old magic, now she must pay for it. Every strong feeling of mine she feels it too. She is bond to grieve when I grieve, to be angry when I'm angry and she cannot avoid it. I'm ruining her life daily because of my never-ending torments. My mind is all fucked up, and she'll pay forever'
Very close to me, few inches from my face, he arches his eyebrows 'feeling-guilty-thing?' and then he sags on the bed.
I'm wordless. My mind is reeling trying to give some sense to what I heard. I don't want to believe it but, yet it's undeniable. The girl feels what he feels. Every time she had a tantrum it's because Harry was having one, and the dream… everything makes horribly sense.
My sentiments are confused. I cannot help but feel a strong pity for Harry. How he must have tortured himself with it. Sunrise remembering him of this fault every day. And just because he loved Ginny so much, it racked him even more. And because he loves Sunrise so much, he cannot help but reproaching himself bitterly. My God, poor man. He is indeed born for sufferance.
'And now I'm hurting you.' He says overwhelmed 'you cannot deny it'
'Harry, it's not your fault' I say eager 'You cannot blame yourself for what I feel'
'But I can blame myself for having used you' he retorts making me falter, I cannot sustain his gaze because inside I'm quivering already.
'I used you to help myself, knowing you would have suffered from it. I shouldn't have, but I did nevertheless, I profited of your feelings to blunt my pain. And…' he wavers unsure 'I'm pretty sure it did happen often other than … I remember… but it cannot be, it must have been you' shaking his head as if trying to make order in his mind.
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing come out from it, however what it doesn't come from my mouth come from my eyes.
'And you are married to Ron. A person that up to three years ago was my best mate and I disregarded that completely.' He carries on steadily regaining confidence 'You must not divorce Ron. You must forget what happened; you must forget me, so you can be happy again!'
He stands up coming up to me, immobile in the middle of the room, my face wet, my mouth dry, my heart strangled, my voice mute.
He takes both my hands holding them tightly in his against his chest, pleadingly 'You will try, will you? I'm ready to disappear from your life too. If I do, you won't divorce Ron, won't you?'
I swallow overcome by anguish; a pained grimace, I haven't got any power on, spread on my face 'I cannot'
He let my hands go, distressed 'But you must!' he shouts, 'You must forget! It's your only chance for happiness, don't you understand?'
'This is not something I can control!' I yell between tears 'You can disappear, but it won't change anything!'
'It will!' he says confident his gaze fixed on me 'It will! If I disappear you will forget eventually. You will forget what you feel and what happened!'
I stamp my foot on the floor frustrated 'No I won't! This that happened has been the best experience of my entire life! I cannot forget it! It has been the best by far' I gabble incoherently because I know that as it has been the best it has also been the worst 'The best sensations I've ever felt' and the worst 'I cannot forget it just because you ask me to!'
He walks randomly about the room, and he slams a hand against the wall roaring, then he comes up to me again eager 'Hermione, you must make an effort! You must promise me you will, it's for your own good. You must let me go without this guilt. You were happy with Ron, do you remember? You loved him before loving me! You just need to rekindle that!'
'But where do you want to go?' I ask desperately getting agitated 'You cannot just disappear from everybody's life like that! It's unfair, I won't allow you! And I cannot do what you ask me to! I've never felt not even the one hundredth part of happiness with him that I felt with you here!' and it goes the same for sorrow 'I'll divorce Ron, no matter what. I don't love him, I cannot love him' and as my tears are gushing out from my eyes without control, the next sentence gush from my mouth in the same way 'I love you' and with what agony is uttered, with what hopelessness, with what longing that will never been fulfilled. My legs cannot sustain me any longer, I sag slowly on the floor, crouching on myself and letting free rein to my despair.
'I cannot stay with him! I deserve to be loved too!' I wail bowing my head, struggling to speak, sobs breaking my voice. And then, mopping my tears and trying to placate the tremble in my body, I mumble almost imperceptibly 'I just want to be loved…Why cannot you love me?' while I clutch my stomach in despair, expressing my unhealable grief.
And I'm crouched there, in front of Harry's legs who watch me with a heartbroken expression. He then closes his eyes, defeated.
None of us move from what seems a long time but I'm pretty sure it's only a few seconds.
I'm letting out all my afflictions on that floor and I know he cannot console me from this. He doesn't even try; he knows it too.
I regain my senses only when I hear a rustle outside the window. Leo is there, trying to catch our attention.
