Hameron

House and Wilson were in the lunch queue the following day. "So how did it go with Cameron last night?", the latter asked as he requested his food from the lady behind the counter.

House rolled his eyes. "Why do you always have to stampede towards the deep questions? I've only just got in, and I prefer to avoid discussing matters of the heart until I've eaten a quarter of my weight in food". He ordered English-style fish and chips.

"You've only just got in? It's half past twelve". Wilson shook his head as he placed an empty cup under the spout and selected a Pepsi.

"I haven't had much sleep these last few days so I figured that I should just reset and come in refreshed. Tiredness is the number one killer in America, Wilson, and I refuse to become just another statistic". He moved to the salad bar and unloaded a huge serving of greenery onto his plate, being careful to ensure that it completely covered the rest of his food. "Anyway, we haven't got a patient at the minute, so I had an empty morning".

"Y'know, most doctors would use the time to work on research, or catch up on some paperwork, or help out in the clinic".

House recoiled from his friend as if he had just inquired as to the sexual availability of his own mother. "Since I know you spent fruitless hours searching for me yesterday, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend that such a ridiculous suggestion stems from your own sleep-deprived state". The pair reached the cash register. "Hi there, Jenny", House smiled at the woman, taking in the name on her badge. "Just a salad today, thanks. Trying to be healthy but Lord knows it's a losing battle at the minute!", he winked at her.

"Dr. House, I can literally see a piece of battered fish on your plate". Jenny folded her arms and frowned.

"No, you can't". House surreptitiously rearranged the leaves and smiled again.

"Yes, I can".

"No, your eyes must be seeing imaginary fish. It's a fairly common condition". House looked at her with sympathy.

"Oh, yeah? What's it called?".

"Multipiscevideo. But don't worry: regular treatment will cure you of this unfortunate affliction".

"So, if I were to reach across and remove that giant piece of lettuce from your plate, would I or would I not find a large serving of fish and chips?". Jenny's hands moved to her hips.

"A tricky question, and one for the philosophers. I have one for you: does a falling tree make any sound if there's no one there to hear it? Ultimately unanswerable. One of life's great unknowns, really". Jenny ran out of patience and moved to carry out her threat. But House quickly reached out and intercepted her hand in his, stroking it softly. "Such lovely skin. You must tell me your moisturising regimen. I just cannot for the life of me get my skin this supple. I've tried everything: aloe vera, goose fat, the blood of sixteen virgins. Nothing's worked. What's your secret?".

Jenny blushed slightly but nevertheless persevered. "Dr. House, I must insist-".

Wilson, who had been watching with some amusement, leapt to the rescue. "-don't worry, Jenny. I'll get this. Please excuse House. He was dropped on his head as a child and, well, the consequences of that are still working themselves out". Wilson peeled off the dollar bills and nodded at the woman's grateful smile.

The pair moved away. "Here's another philosophical question for you", said House as they sat at a table. "Let's say that the server behind the register is not in fact a young woman named Jenny, but actually an old man named Bert. Let's say that an oncologist named James Wilson witnesses a diagnostician named Gregory House giving Bert a hard time. Would James Wilson come to Bert's defence, or would he walk on by?". As he spoke, House picked off all the salad and dropped it to the side.

"One of life's great unknowns", grinned Wilson.

House scoffed but the two ate in silence for a few moments. "Are you gonna tell me what happened last night, or shall I just get it from Cameron?", asked the oncologist eventually.

"Since when do you and Cameron speak?".

"Since I put the moves on her shortly after she started her fellowship". Wilson remained impassive as he sipped his drink. House looked up sharply at this and his friend started laughing. "Boy, you are too easy. I've got you twice now".

"Yeah, yeah. Did you actually though?".

"I'll answer your question if you answer mine".

House rolled his eyes. "Fine. It went as well as could be expected. I'm in the doghouse for a couple of days. She didn't like that I took off without warning, apparently".

"Well, you had me worried, too".

"Sure, but if you rescind my kissing rights as well, I wouldn't mind. Just putting that out there". He munched on a mouthful of fish.

"As long as you've learnt your lesson".

"What lesson?".

"It's not just you anymore, House; it's not even just you and me. It's you and Cameron. Before, you could just take off and no one but Cuddy and I would care. But now, someone else cares, and by the sounds of things she cares a lot". Wilson took a bite of his sandwich, observing the man opposite. House was so used to being alone, to dealing with his feelings by riding off into the sunset without hesitation. Although the oncologist had come to believe that his friend and Cameron were closely compatible, it was this aspect of their relationship that would be most interesting to observe. Could they be open and survive the give and take of companionship, or would they close themselves off and gradually drift apart? Wilson had the wreckage of several marriages which testified to the reality of that particular conundrum.

House nodded slowly after a few minutes of thoughtful chewing. "She cares. That's one thing that I established last night".

"Shocker. If you recall, I said as much in your office two days ago before you turned those flashing blue eyes on me".

"Yeah, but you know I ignore most of what you say".

"That I do know", Wilson grunted, as he hit the dregs of his Pepsi. "And what about Chase?".

"I think Chase isn't really my problem, though if and when we go public, I'll deal with it then. So?". House sat back and folded his arms.

"So…?".

"Did you put the moves on Cameron?", he sighed, aware that Wilson was making him verbalise the question on purpose.

"Actually no. I was going to do it the day you invited her in for interview...", House scoffed but said nothing, listening as his friend continued, "...but then I saw the looks she gave you during that interview and realised a futile effort when I saw one".

"There's no way she's had the hots for me since day one. No way".

Wilson raised an eyebrow. "You really are a complete moron".

"Not the first time I've heard that this week", he muttered.

"Afternoon, men". Cuddy walked over to them, tray in hand. "Mind if I join you?".

"This is the guy zone. You can only join us if you prove you can act like a guy". House placed his elbows on the table and smirked at his boss.

"Let's see. I can burp the alphabet?".

"Are you asking me or telling me?".

"Telling you".

"Fine. I was hoping for something sexual but whatever", House muttered as Cuddy occupied the chair next to Wilson.

"You want something sexual to do with a guy? Now I know what you two do when no one is around". She set about spreading her low sodium rye bread with her low sodium not-quite-butter spread.

"Hey", interjected Wilson. "Love takes many forms".

"Yeah, yeah. Say, House, I've got a question for you". Cuddy took a bite of food and levelled her gaze at the diagnostician.

House sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I thought you might. I'll have to run it by Cameron, but it should be fine".

"Huh?". She was momentarily confused.

"You're finally going to ask me to sleep with you. I'm keen, but I will have to check with Cameron. She may even be up for a threesome". House finished his fish and chips and began to slurp his Fanta. Wilson laughed.

Cuddy didn't. "Believe it or not, that wasn't actually going to be my question".

"Oh. Then fire away, but if I get bored, I reserve the right to fall asleep here and now". He sat back and closed his eyes, as if to demonstrate what such a situation would look like.

"I got a report from Dr. Spivey in the Morgue saying that a couple of weeks ago someone carried out an unauthorised autopsy late at night after everyone had left. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?".

"No, your honour. What makes you think it was me?".

"I'm glad you asked. It just so happens that it was the patient you lost. The one that died without a diagnosis".

"It happened late at night? Well, it can't possibly have been me. You know I like to clock off as soon as I can".

Cuddy considered this answer. House's inherent laziness did often carry the day, but she wondered whether his innate desire to solve puzzles would override that which he had for idleness. Not to mention the fact that he would be the only doctor in this hospital who would actually think to carry out an autopsy. Of course it was him. "So you're saying that you didn't carry out the autopsy?".

"Do you really want me to answer that?".

Cuddy sighed but looked at Wilson. "Let the record show that I asked the question".

"Noted". Wilson recognised this exchange as a variation on the policy that his friend and their boss often employed to get around the simple fact that a fair amount of what House did skirted on both sides of the law. In this situation, Cuddy could claim to have formally 'investigated' Spivey's claim without having forced House to reveal the truth which would necessitate an official inquest. As penance, House was generally 'encouraged' to carry out a double dose of clinic duty.

"By the way", she said, right on cue, "the clinic is understaffed tomorrow due to a fever amongst this week's rotation. Why don't you pop in and do some good, House? And no turning it over to Cameron".

The man himself rolled his eyes but nevertheless inclined his head in assent. He had expected this or something similar. "I'll carry out your wishes, but I'm bringing my Gameboy".

"As long as you actually do it, I don't care. Who even plays Gameboys nowadays, anyway?". Cuddy had finished her food and was stirring skimmed milk into her coffee.

"Hey, don't knock my device. It's been with me longer than James' wives have been with him".

Wilson looked up sharply. "Huh? What's with the first-naming? And why're you bringing me into this? I'm just minding my own business here".

Cuddy took a sip of her drink. "Speaking of minding one's own business—how're things with Cameron, Greg?".

House leant back and clasped his hands behind his head. "I see what you did there, Cuddles. See, because you're actually not minding your own business, you wily minx, you. Busting out the first name, too. Anyway, why are you lot always asking about my love life? What about yours, eh?".

"Stop trying to change the subject", she retorted.

"Saw through that, did you?".

"Either you tell us about Cameron, or I'll have you file an official report informing the hospital why you thought it acceptable to abscond for two workdays without leave".

House looked at Wilson, who shrugged. "How'd you know about that?", he asked, eyes narrowed.

"The hospital seemed abnormally happier, so I figured you'd gone AWOL". Cuddy smiled at her employee.

"Hah, you're on fire today. Fine, I'll tell you. But this will have to tide you over for…", House paused and stroked his chin, "…two weeks".

"Deal". Cuddy brushed her hands of crumbs and placed her elbows on the table. Wilson, who had been observing the back and forth with an amused air, also leant forwards.

"OK, so this Friday is our next date and things are likely to get…", House dipped his head towards his friends and whispered conspiratorially, "…steamy".

"Is that so?", replied Cuddy. "Gonna turn on the charm? Gonna pull out all the stops?".

"Yep. I'm cooking".

She was so surprised she had to check she hadn't misheard. "Err, what? I didn't know you…House, are you sure that's wise?". In all the years they'd know each other, he had never once betrayed any hint of being anything more than a microwave man.

"Don't you worry your little head about that. I know exactly what I'm doing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a huge dump. That fish and chips is coming out quicker than it went in". House got up and left without another word.

Cuddy looked at Wilson. "Should we prepare for tears come Monday? Or food poisoning?".

Wilson laughed, but his voice was low. "Believe it or not, House is actually a phenomenal cook".

"You're kidding?".

"Nope. He's really good. He just never bothers. I think the last time he cooked was…",

"Let me guess. Stacy".

Wilson nodded though his eye was still on the door through which his friend had just exited. "I think this is the final proof".

"Proof of what?".

The man's gaze returned to the woman seated beside him. "This House and Cameron thing is on. It's on big time".

She nodded thoughtfully. "Well, if you're right, we'll need a shorthand for them".

"Hmm".

The pair reflected for a few moments.

Cuddy looked up. "What about 'Hameron'"?

Wilson smirked, but he returned her nod. "That's actually not bad. Hameron. I like it".

"Well, here's to Hameron". She raised her coffee mug and Wilson knocked against it with his almost empty Pepsi cup.

"I'll drink to that", he replied with a smile.