Free pass

A.N. The idea of Schrödinger's Cat, and its application to a romantic relationship, I took from Big Bang Theory. It's probably imperfectly described, but I'm not a physicist. In the series, for obvious reasons, House and Cameron never share extended discussions on feelings. But he does discuss such things with Cuddy in later seasons. I've taken the spirit of these conversations and adapted them for Hameron and my own interests. This chapter is heavy on the dialogue, since there's not much speaking in the ones after this…

The 'Sebastian Charles' Cameron mentions appears in the season two episode 'TB Or Not TB'. He's cropped up already in the 'Friends' chapter (ch. 13) of this story. It's pretty clear that at this early point, the writers were seriously considering having House and Cameron come together. Unfortunately, by season 3, they decided to go down the utterly predictable and boring route of Cameron/Chase and, inevitably, House/Cuddy. I could write a whole note on why House/Cameron is superior to the others but now is not the time. Maybe when this story eventually finishes and I have a House-sized fanfic hole in my life. But I digress…


"I'm not sure I could eat a single mouthful more". Cameron put down her spoon and sat back in the chair. "That was an amazing meal".

House nodded, scraping the last of his pudding from the bowl. "It really was, wasn't it?".

"I still can't believe that you're able to cook like that. I just assumed that you stuck to microwaves", she said, sipping the last of her wine. They'd shared the bottle between them. Neither of them wanted to drink excessively, aware that the evening's entertainment was far from over.

The conversation had been light and unforced. Wilson and Cuddy had been a frequent topic. House spoke a little of his upbringing, and his relationship with his parents. Cameron had met them last year when they had come to the office unexpectedly. At the time, he'd been unwilling for her to spend time with them, but this evening he'd been more open, and Cameron was grateful, recognising that he was slowly beginning to let her into his life.

She, for her part, shared more about her own family. House listened intently, occasionally making a comment or cracking a joke, but in general he was silent. Cameron got the impression she often experienced in their differential diagnoses—that he was devouring every single word and already beginning to make connections and logical leaps. She suspected that by the time they were done, he'd know as much about her circumstances as any previous boyfriend had ever known. It was an exhilarating thought.

"Yeah, like I say, I normally do stick to microwaves. But it's been fun to mix it up for an evening. Are you finished?", he asked.

Cameron held her hands up, and House began to take their plates to the counter. She rose from the table and helped carry the rest of the debris into the kitchen. "We've made quite a mess", she remarked, placing her hand on the small of his back.

He chuckled and pulled her close. "Nothing we can't handle tomorrow".

Cameron stepped back for a moment, eyebrow raised. "My, that's awfully presumptuous of you, Dr. House. What if I'm not the kind of girl to spend the night in a strange man's apartment?".

Again, he pulled her close, looking down into her eyes. "Well, how about this for presumption? Before this night is over, Cameron, I'm going to fuck you. But before I do, I'm going to make you come once, maybe twice". His blue eyes darkened in the manner that was becoming increasingly familiar to the other.

Cameron swallowed and her eyes glazed. "How?".

Now it was his turn to raise an eyebrow, but rather than reply directly he kissed her on the nose. "But before any of that can happen, we have some unfinished business to take care of".

"Our questions". Cameron cleared her throat and urged her heart to slow.

"Yep, so how about we relocate to the couch?".

She smiled at this and nodded, making her way over to sit on the leather sofa.

House, meanwhile, moved to the drinks cabinet in the corner. "Whiskey?".

Again, she nodded.

As he prepared their drinks she sat back and relaxed, taking in the place her boss called home. The living space was cosy in a subdued sort of way. The floor was of dark wood, though a worn rug lay in the middle of the room, covering much of it. The large sofa upon which she sat faced an expensive-looking television set. The main features, though, were a piano in the corner by the window and two floor-to-ceiling bookcases.

Every surface—the TV stand, coffee table, and armchair—was covered in reading material of various stripes; even the floor had little piles of books hidden away in corners. House often spoke about how much television he watched, but it was clear that many of the volumes were well-thumbed. Although the place was obviously 'House', she noticed that there were few personal objects—no photographs rested on the shelves, and even the large plant in the corner seemed to be there by accident, as if its owner had originally intended it for someone else but promptly forgotten its existence.

He ambled over, handed across the drink, and sank into the couch next to Cameron. She took a sip before placing the glass on the coffee table and snuggling against the other.

The pair remained like this in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

At length, House placed his own drink on the table and sat back, looking down at his companion. "So", he said. "Do you want to start or shall I?".

"You can ask me your question first". Cameron pulled her feet up and sat cross-legged on the sofa, facing him.

"My question is a simple one. I rejected you a while ago, made it clear that I didn't want to be with you even after Stacy left. But as soon as I came back to work you pursued me anyway. Why?".

She clasped her hands in her lap as she considered how to respond. It was a question she had asked herself many times, and each time the answer was slightly different. There were two parts to the problem, and she started with the first. "When you rejected me, I was disappointed. But I wasn't crushed. I figured that you were just the kind of man who saw women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits, and I had no intention of pushing for something that you seemed not to want".

Cameron paused, took a sip of whiskey, and returned House's gaze. "But then I saw the look you gave Stacy from outside her hospital room, and I realised that you could feel love. From then on, I suppose I was caught between two worlds. In one world, I wanted to show you that I wasn't just into you because of a passing crush, that I was committed. When I refused Sebastian Charles, I said that it was because there was no future in it because of his schedule. But really what I meant was that there was no future in him because I already knew who my future was. You can't imagine how much I wanted to tell you this, especially since I knew you were jealous he liked me".

House inclined his head. "Yes, I was jealous".

She continued, looking at the bookcase over House's shoulder: "in the other world, though, I knew that you still thought of me as a girl, immature and unrealistic. As a result, I became more forceful. I slept with Chase, I stood up to you more. I took on Foreman's treatment when he nearly died, even though you wanted it. I tried to show you a different side of me. But then you were shot, and all my plans went out the window". Cameron's gaze flickered, and she again reached for her drink.

House said nothing, waiting for her to continue. The clock ticked away in the corner, and the faint thud of dance music echoed in the distance.

"The period after your shooting was one of the hardest of my life, House. Whenever I went to sleep, I imagined you lying bleeding on the floor. I had to see a counsellor to get over it, and even now I'm not completely cured". Cameron looked away briefly at this, afraid of showing weakness.

But House reached out and took her hand in his.

She continued with renewed confidence. "The whole thing made me realise that life is too short to worry about what might happen, when really I needed to find out what could happen. So, when you eventually came back, I decided to forget subtlety and instead take the plunge. I told myself it would be you or no one. I rejected Chase, and I told you how I felt, not fearing rejection myself; I even kissed you. To answer your question: I pursued you because I wanted you, and the maniac who invaded our office nearly denied me the opportunity. And no one is going to deny me that again". Cameron finished her response and exhaled, glad to be able to confide so deeply in someone who could understand.

House cleared his throat and smiled. "That was a good answer. I give you full marks".

Cameron laughed as the tension fled her limbs. She allowed House a few moments to get comfortable and take a drink, before fixing him with her gaze. Only when he signalled his readiness did she begin. "Your question started with the moment you rejected me. My question also concerns something that happened a while ago. When you came into the lab that day, you asked me why I liked you. Do you remember?".

"Is that your question? Because it's a sucky one".

"Nope, I just need to know that you know what I'm talking about".

"Fine. Yes, I remember".

"Then you'll recall that I asked you what it was that you wanted to hear when you learnt that I liked you. You didn't answer that day. My question is: what did you want to hear?".

House let out a breath, a half-smile playing on his lips. He'd expected her to ask why it was that he'd been receptive to her after the shooting. He'd expected confessing the hallucination. But Cameron was too clever for that. It was typical of her to use her free pass to seek an answer to a question he had intentionally avoided. A deal was a deal, though.

He laced his fingers together, looking at the floor as he spoke. "That's a good question, Cameron. The truth is that the answer is complicated".

"I'm not going anywhere", she smiled.

"I suppose at the time I didn't know what I wanted to hear". He got up and walked over to the piano. "When you answered my question, you said that you were stuck between two worlds. Well, I was in a similar situation. It was difficult for me, with you. It always has been. You're a beautiful woman. On the one hand, I found you physically attractive. I told you this the first week on the job".

"You said that I was extremely pretty with a stunning little ass".

"Yep. As a man I can say that I wanted to hear that you liked me because you found me attractive as well, that it wasn't one-sided. But the physical things are never enough, and the problem was that you were too nice. I was always afraid that, if we were ever together, I'd ruin you somehow, make you bitter, make you hate me or, worse, make you behave like me. There were so many obstacles in my mind: the age gap, the fact that I was your boss, the fact that I didn't want you to settle for me when there were guys your own age who would chop off their right hand to have a shot with you".

Now, House wandered over to the window and leant against the sill. "But the main thing was that, while I kept you waiting, there would always be the possibility that you liked me for me".

"What do you mean?".

He ran a hand through his hair. "Have you heard of Schrödinger's Cat? The idea that if you put a cat in a box along with a vial of poison and leave it for an hour, you'll have no idea whether the cat is alive or dead until you actually open the box and find out. Consequently, the cat may be thought of as both alive and dead until the lid is lifted and the truth revealed".

Cameron cradled her drink and tilted her head. "I'm not sure I follow".

"If I never actually told you I liked you, I would never have to find out if, and how, you liked me back. As with Schrödinger's Cat, both options—that you liked me for me, one, or only had a superficial crush, two—were possible. I could tell myself that you were off limits, but it was mainly because it gave me an excuse never to find out. You said earlier that you took the plunge and told me how you felt. But I never did. I never lifted the lid to find out. To answer your question: I didn't know what I wanted to hear because I had to balance what I wanted you to say with what I feared you might say". House folded his arms from the window.

"I understand. But you say that you were concerned about the depth of my feelings for you. Could it also be that you both wanted and didn't want me to tell you why I liked you because if I never told, you'd not have to go through the pain of possibly hurting me; or the pain of me hurting you. It was safer to avoid the question altogether, so you walked out".

"Yes, that's a fair assessment", House agreed from across the room, intrigued that she had perceived another of his fears: that of feeling pain in all its forms. "It was safer".

Cameron got up from the couch and joined her companion by the window. They looked out onto the street together, watching as a mother and father walked either side of their little girl as they crossed the road. "Well", she said finally, eyes on the family below them, "I'm done being safe".

House turned to face her. "I am too".

Cameron's eyes twinkled, and she turned around, scanning the apartment. "So…which way's the bedroom?".