Chapter 5, Infiltrating the Airship

(It's big. It's red. It floats. It's an airship!)

~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~

"This is gonna be one of those times where something you say is actually true isn't it."

"It is!"

I join the two marvelling at the giant airship in front of the mansion gates. "This looks like fun. Mind if I join the party?"

Only Brad looks back. "Oh hey, you made it! How'd you make your way out of the halls without help?"

I beckon him to come closer and whisper something into his ear.

"Magic."

He pulls out the sack on his waist and aims it at me. "Son, tell me now or I will drown you in pond water!"

Quickly, I point my finger up to the green, floating arrow above me. "No, like, seriously though…! I got this new arrow to help me figure out where to go. "

The arrow menacingly floats in place, pointing towards the airship.

"Patchouli tasked me with finding reagents on the airship. Apparently she can sense things from here! With her mind."

Brad writes checks off an imaginary checklist. "Newcomer getting his first task from Patchy… check!"

Enough dialogue, I'll find a way up there. "You got a plan on how to get up there?"

"Nope!"

Great… Welp, can't go anywhere without a weapon. This blue arm "thing"... I personally can't call it a weapon. I'd consider parrying a self defense thing rather than aggravated assault.

Might as well get something. Walking a bit further down the adjacent brick wall, I spot something else on the ground. A stick.

"Yoink." Mine now. It feels pretty sturdy too.

Weapon obtained, returning to spawn point.

But when I got there, Brad and his girlfriend were gone. They never existed!

"If you were wondering where they went then I'll tell ya. Genkan can fly." The guard sleeping with one eye open adds.

"Ah, that makes sense."

Since this gatekeeper is…er- looks Chinese, maybe she'll understand if I say something like. "You are courting death~!" In the most Chinese accent I can think of. It's not racist if I'm Asian.

She tries to hold a giggle in, to no avail. "Pfft.! H-How did you perfectly mimic the Third Young Master?"

The what. Oh shit, does this mean those Murim novels were right about Chinese people?

She wipes a tear while clutching her stomach. "I'm guessing you can't fly like Genkan can. If you want I can help you get up there."

"Oh really?" You know, that'd actually be pretty nice if she could- uh… Oh?!

Meiling suddenly wraps her arms around me in a bear hug and lifts me over her shoulder…! "Up we go…" Oh. I'm being squished into a ball-like state.

I'm balled up. "I've been balled up." And now we have air time. Until she pulls a bat out of nowhere!

"Batter…" BONK! "Up!"

And now… the end is near… flying through the air into an airship… I accept my fate. And now we're flyin'...

~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~

"WHAAAAAAH!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. "Oof." I barely landed on the edge of a balcony.

My grip is slipping! "Gotta get up, gotta get up!" I scramble to bring myself above the ledge and I dare not look down.

Pheew.. We're good now. Disregarding the fact that I'm at least 5 bazillion feet in the air, I'd say I'm still fine.

Nothing much I can do now though. The door to the inside of the airship has a combination lock and a card slider. I'm gonna assume that getting the combination wrong will end with me dying…

Guess I'll just wait. Gonna just sit down next to the door.

It's pretty windy up here.

~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~

It's been a little longer than a few hours now. Still nothing new.

Ki-Whuush. The mechanical sounds of the door opening get me back on my feet. A man wearing a blue top hat walks out with his cup of coffee.

Sneaky time. Hugging the wall, I slowly make my way inside. And then- Ki-Whuush. The door suddenly closes on its own.

Patience really might be the key this time, but I'm all out of patience. Inside this room, I can see a few interesting things to inspect. A big computer with a DVD logo, an open vent, and an elevator. Or at least something that resembles an elevator.

I'm gonna avoid the elevator actually… The panel to the left only has one button that goes down. Guess I'll try the vent.

I walk up to it and put my hands inside. "How the hell do I crawl upwards-Oh shit!"

"This vent has some suction!" Bam. I immediately get pulled up the vent and hit my head on the ceiling. "Agh, Fu-!" And I have no time to clutch my head.

Fwoop. After another turn, I find myself sitting upright and moving pretty fast.

A glass pane separates me and the vault room. "Ooo." I spy with my little eye, a big juicy ruby! Would something that big make for a good reagent? Only one way to find out.

Still goin down the tube… Another turn- Bam! "GAh!" Or not! I was moving too fast and I blew a hole in the vent. "Air time!" Again!

Oof.

I landed on a platform it seems and I noticed a few things painted on the wall. The painting on this platform points to the Records room, but on the other side it says… Hold on, I can't see that well from this distance. I think it says Vault and Cells.

Welp, you can never be too sure. Only way to read it properly is by making it to the other side. "All it takes… is a leap of faith!"

With a running start, I leap over the gaping hole and- Whoa! "Agh! Fuck, my nose!" I got propelled to the other side for no reason! Aghh fuck that shit hurt!

TI-tung-tung. A funny sounding melody plays over on the speakers. Wherever those speakers might be.

A voice calmly announces on the intercom."Eh, my apologies everyone. Had to deploy some evasive maneuvers. A flock of tengu flew by."

Hate it when that happens. Especially when my nose is in pain! "Faaa~ck!"

Huh? What are you lookin' at? Stupid looking combination lock. This combination lock really wants to fight right now. "Alright then! Take this!" A good right hook directly misses, the door senses movement, and I trip over because oh shit the doors open.

"Oof."

The door has been opened. And now we're in the Cells. Three doors, named Jail 1, Jail 2, and Jail 3 respectively, are found to the right-hand side of the room. Fuck that, though! I'm more interested in the big ruby behind the Vault door.

"Hmm." How does one get inside there though? Oh, that's right. Patchouli gave me something that might help.

I pull another random thing out of my pocket. This time the thing is itching cream. It says it's the best vaginal anti-itch cream around.

"Eh, it's worth a shot." I hope putting anti itch cream won't have lasting aftereffects!

Shlorp.

…So vaginal anti-itch cream doubles as shrink cream. I'm tiny now! And so is my stick. For some reason.

We can worry about that later, the door isn't airsealed so I can walk underneath the gap pretty easily.

And we've made it to the vault! I can see a ginormous mountain of gold sitting in the background while some treasures remain on pedestals to the side. I can fit a couple of gold coins in my pocket, but I'm still small so I can't really- Shlorp.

That works.

The items and gold are really tempting right now, but this ruby in front of me is even more appetizing…!

"Unlike everything else in the room, it floats. That makes it easier to apply some of my vaginal anti-itch cream!" A little bit of this and a little bit of that. And done!

Schlorp. And I grab it before it falls down. "Yoink."

It's become tiny. Sadly I used up all of my vaginal anti-itch cream for that ruby. I'll just get whatever I can fit in my pockets.

"Hmm." I can't fit a viking helmet in my pocket, that's for sure. A golden gun? Too heavy. A focus sash…? "Hell yeah!"

I went to pick up the focus sash, but the moment I touched it, it started glowing. "Whaaa.."

The focus sash then floats in the air and- "OOF!" Flew straight into me!

"Huh…" Does this mean fused with it? Like how I did with the blue arm? Can I fuse with weapons?

I walk up to the laser sword thing from Halo and touch it!

But nothing happens.

"Guess it's only for certain items."

Let's see if there's anything else worth looting. Something compact that usually has interesting things inside.

Like a briefcase! "Jackpot!"

It opens up with relative ease. Let's hope this isn't a pandora's box!

Waaa~ I imagine the sound of opening a loot crate because I'd rather not say it out loud.

Out from the briefcase came a womanoid. It looks female enough. You don't see males walking around in sailor uniforms.

She opens up her eyes, blinking steadily. "W-Where…? Who…? Why…?"

"I found you in a briefcase. You kinda just jumped out of it. We'll never know why. And your name is… uh…"

Shit, I gotta name her. Dahh… How about something with spices. Like a coriander! Just to make sure I avoid copyright claims, I'll change it a bit.

"Your name is Moriander and you are my assistant!"

"I'm your assistant…? Okayyyy~" She looks a bit mellowed out. Did coming appearing outside a briefcase make her nauseous?

I've got what I came for. Time to leave. "Bu~t I'm takin this briefcase."

Click.

There's another door opposite to the one I came in through. All I know is that it's not the entrance!

I walk infront of the door and feel a pressure plate under my feet.

Whish.. And it's open! "Hey, Moriander! Time to go!"

She nauseously walks over and suddenly straightens up. "Yes."

Epic android girlfriend got. Gained 1 tent.

With that, we walked out the door with style.

A green light washes over us. Ti-ti-ti-ti-ting. Di-ding! After that cue, it turns red! We've been caught!

BLARE! Alarms go off everywhere in the airship.

"Hey, you! stop right there!" The door across the hallway opens up mechanically and a dude with a tophat appears.

So uhh. What do I do in this situation?

That's right! "Moriander, analysis!"

She looks left and right and through the big glass window. Almost like she's scanning with her eyes. "Based on the missile heading our way, I'd say our salvation comes in… three… two…"

Wait… a missile?

The dude with a tophat pulls out his walkie talkie. "Yeah, this is Jeffrey. Yeah, I got him right here, so you guys don't need to-"

BOOM!

"Ahhhh!"

That explosion sent me flying through the air but I eventually land on one of the propellers.

Brrrrr. Brrrr. Sounds of machine guns can be heard from every direction. The airship was getting attacked by multiple helicopters. It's a freakin free for all!

And I'm in the buttfuck middle of it. VRRR.This damn propeller is too loud!

Is there anything I can do in this situation?

Ah. Now I remember.

Immediately, I began sprinting for the propeller. Please work!

"Oi! That lad's gone mad! He's headed straight for the propeller!"

Gamble like your life depends on it! Because it just might!

"Won't you fly~! High! Free bird!" BOOM! The propeller makes contact with my body. Ever wonder what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force?

BOOM!BOOOM!BOOM! That singular explosion sets off multiple other explosions in the propeller. The airship is falling.

And me? I hung on using that absorbed focus sash! Post-revival Iframes, yo.

Now I'm on a one way road to the ground!

Thud.! My drop leaves a giant dust cloud where I fell.

Schlorp.

Ah, the ruby's back to its original size. That's… good…

Thud.

~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~

(About the same time Mark reaches the airship)

Meanwhile, with me! We're on top of the airship because they locked the front door.

Genkan does her own thing behind me. "What was the point of coming to this airship again?"

"Dude. It's an airship. Every dude in their 70's wants one!" Maybe they do. I wouldn't know!

She silently lets it slide. Slippery slides.

'Check, check, this is… Reeses. Thought I'd give you a heads up. Enemy combatant directly under you.'

I forgot I had an earpiece too! This isn't a Deus ex machina, I just forgot to mention it.

Genkan seems to be unhappily exuding cold energies. "It's about to be summer…"

Guess we gotta go inside.

I knock on the hatch separating us from the inside of the airship. "Helloo~? Open the door please, I'm girlscut by the way. We have cookies." Cookies with a hint of AIDS.

Creak. It opens up and a guy with a comically large tophat peaks his head out.

"What flavour?"

"Coriander and other spices…!"

Cha- Click!. He takes out a shotgun! Fwi- Click! And so I summon mine in return!

Fwash.. But Genkan froze him before I could do anything.

"I coulda taken him!" Merry's 20 inch monster strapon prepared me for situations like this!

She suddenly ensnares me in a hug."You 'coulda' died. Again. Don't." Oh yeah, that.

It wouldn't be a surprise if she was still a bit on edge after Merry did a thing for a third time.

But we've got no time to lose! I wonderfully present the open hatch to Genkan. "It's been o~pened."

Genkan stares with a brow raised and floats us down the hatch.

"Do you think they're hiding mongols on the ship?-"

Genkan suddenly puts her finger to my mouth. "Shh."

"Alright gentlemen, we've been tasked with developing new weapons for the clan. Any ideas?"

Ooo, they're developing plans. Weaponizing the fluffles for trench warfare would be a good start.

She hugs me tighter. Oof. A bit more and I'll pop! "Let's just avoid them this time.."

"Ye." With that, we float to the ceiling.

"No, we can't do that!"

"Why not, man!?"

"You do realize how much a solid gold cannon would weigh, don't you?"

"Dude, we totally got enough power. What do you think man?"

"Well, I'm still kind of new here, so I'm not really sure what to say."

Nothing too interesting here. Genkan seems to feel the same. It's about time we find a new area to discover.

"There is quite literally no reason for us to be here right now, you know that right?"

"Ah… well. I dunno! I thought going outside for once would've been better than staying indoors all the time." Something I never thought I'd think…! Ever.

I mean we probably could just stay inside the apartment all day. That was the whole point of surviving in Gensokyo wasn't it? Find myself a nice house and stay inside all day. When did my way of thinking change? Was it when I met Genkan and experienced the wonders of sex? Or did it change the moment I stepped onto Remilia's backyard?

"You know, I really think that-" BLARE! Alarms start blaring, causing Genkan to immediately get into a combative stance.

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

Oh shit they weren't kidding! The entire airship..! It's falling! I can tell because gravity's shifting diagonally.

BOOM! BOOM! And random explosions keep happening.

Ah. Thanks for the reminder. I remember why now.

Genkan stares at me with a 'Are you serious right now?' face.

"You have a plan, right?"

A guy with a tophat falls through the broken window. "AHHHH!"

"Maybe! Genkan, encase us in ice!" It's time to… Fwi-click. Make like an Eskimo!

She complies and encases us in thick layers of ice. The entire 'room' we were in is now completely blue! Lotta ice.

Pray that it can hold. Because who's gonna be left to punish binge readers if I'm gone?

~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~

END OF CHAPTER 5

MC (for this one part): Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, The Fucker Of All Things Cold, Jock Class, And Some Other TItles I forgor

SKILLS:

Punch: Weak punch. Will hurt caster.

Kick: Weak kick. Will hurt caster.

Random Bullshit Go: Throws random bullshit. Works eventually. 50% chance of backfiring.

Scent Pillow: Summon a pillow soaked in dry semen. You will not forget this.

Double jump: It's exactly what it says it is.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fallen Comrade - Think of three people using potara earrings. Except the people are plant hangers. It breaks swords, is sharper than darkness, and makes for a good back scratcher.

SKILLS:

Brad has gained strength from the fallen: Die while you're my teammate, I dare you.

Cubic Buff: it buffs. Chonky strength

Gaia Bs: makes you sleepy.

Combo hit: extra hit in a combo. Just like yakuza

INVENTORY:

Bag of Holding: It holds things, dude.

==o==

Weapons

=o=

Boeing B-54: explosive plant hanger

Youkai Inconveniencer: holy flashbang

Fairy Harp: Is a plant hanger with fairy essence

Red Scare: Nerf gun, trench warfare. Still a plant hanger

Vortex Hanger: Wind hanger. DO not purchase fast food and claim it is your own. I died once trying that.

Deep Blue: water hanger. It's leaky.

Million Bucks: Hanger that turns you into a professional D1 runner the lower your health.

Fragile flower: cleansing hanger. Still wont cleanse you of your sins.

Dream Hanger: I forgot this existed.

=o=

London Operating Cross- Summons your best friend London. Why won't you summon London? It's friend shaped. It's also not a plant hanger.

=o=

Yin Yang flail-o-copter: A yin yang orb tied to a flail with panties and bras. It flies but drains stamina.

Market Gardener: It's a plant hanger that crits with bast jumps.

NERF shits: Someday I will stab someone with these.

==o==

ARMOR

Too many shits to do. Something something camoflage kimono. It's kinda the only thing you'd need to memorize anyway.

~~~~ AUTHOR'S NOTE? ~~~~

Hold on a minute… This isn't [REDACTED]! Am I in a spinoff? Whoever made this. Make sure to add the part where I have lovey dovey sex with Genka-!

~~~~ AUTHOR'S NOTE ~~~~

No, Brad. I will not add lovey dovey sex times with Genkan.

~~~~ AUTHOR'S NOTE? ~~~~

You're just afraid you'll like it-!

~~~~ AUTHOR'S NOTE ~~~~

Did we bring in the wrong Brad?