Hello! I know its been forever since I've updated this story. I wrote Smile and Nod to its completion and then took a break. This chapter took me forever to write. I'm just really struggling with motivation right now but hopefully things pick back up! Thanks to all who are still reading and enjoy!
As she predicted, Rachel had nailed her movie audition. The role is for a period piece called "Mother" in which a Jewish woman in America during WWII took in Jewish refugee children from Europe. The role was completely out of Rachel's comfort zone and there wasn't a bit of singing involved, but she really wanted this role. Since the auction, she's started to feel more adventurous. This role is exactly what she needs.
She and Finn had managed to see each other just once over the past week. They always seem to make plans and then one or both of them having something arise that prevents in from happening. Even their meet up this week involved Finn coming over to her theater to have lunch with her. They did manage to fool around in the dressing room for a few minutes before he had to go though. She can't stop thinking about him, and Santana had been noticing. On more than once occasion she had been told to "snap out of it and pay attention" this week.
It's the Fourth of July and Rachel had the night off. Unfortunately Finn doesn't. She likes the fourth and sometimes her dads would host a bar because or her cast mates would host something, but this year she was on her own. Kurt had invited her to a celebration on the Hudson river that Burt had to make an appearance at. Having nothing else to do, she decided to go for a little while. Kurt seemed eager for her to join them, constantly texting her to make sure she had an outfit to wear and where to check in when she arrived.
First though, she wanted to see Finn.
Rachel hadn't yet gone to see Finn at work. Santana had been pushing her to go, but she always felt that was too forward, or awkward, or both. She had about an hour to kill before the party started, so she wanted to see if she could fit a visit to Finn in if he wasn't on a call. It was only two blocks away, but Rachel had to fight through crowds just to get there. She hated summer in the city. So many tourists. Those tourists pay her bills though so she tries to relax about it most of the time.
She slipped her way into the Firehouse and was greeted by two men staring back at her.
"What can we help you with?" one of them asked.
"I'm looking for Finn Hudson? Can you tell me where I can find him?" Rachel pushed the hair off of her face and tucked it behind her ear nervously.
"Yeah, he's upstairs," the other one replied. "Hey Hudson! Your Lady Lover is here!" he yelled up the stairs.
Rachel rolled her eyes to hide her embarrassment. She timidly walked up the stairs praying to see Finn at the top. As she approached the final step, she heard Finn's footsteps coming towards her.
"Hey! Sorry about those guys" he exclaimed, "Glad you could stop by! I hate working holidays sometimes but you just made my day better. " Finn wrapped his arms around her for a hug. "I like this outfit too, very patriotic."
Rachel looked down at her white jean shorts and red and blue striped tank top. "Well Kurt told me its mandatory to dress like the flag for the party tonight so here I am." Rachel opened her arms wide pointing to her outfit.
"I'm so jealous you get to go to the party tonight. I hate missing out on stuff but with this job it happens a lot. You should see me when I have to work on Christmas. I'm depressed for days." Finn laughed at himself but could tell Rachel wasn't fully listening.
Rachel was distracted by her surroundings. She was surprised to see that the firehouse was exactly like the ones she'd seen on TV, right down to the fire pole.
"Rachel? Are you ok? And if you want to slide down the fire pole all you have to do is ask you know." Finn said with a smirk on his face.
"Oh no, I've just never been inside of a Firehouse before that's all. It's nice to see where you spend most of your time." She tried to ignore the group of men pretending not to stare at them from the other side of the room.
"Why don't I introduce you to the guys over there since they've been dying to meet you since the auction. Plus they'll never let me live it down if I don't."
Finn grabbed Rachel's hand as they approached the group. He introduced them one by one, Rachel recognizing two of them as guys who were auctioned off. She gave a quick hello and shook some hands, but thankfully Finn ended the introductions abruptly.
"Well let me give you the grand tour then. See you later guys" Finn grabbed her hand as they walked to the back of the building, low snickers being given by the group of coworkers. They arrived at a room in the back of the firehouse and he opened the door slowly, unsure if anyone was inside. Rachel tried to ignore the staring eyes of Finn's fellow firemen. Once opened it revealed a medium sized room filled with cots. "Here is where we sleep. On call or otherwise."
Rachel looked at Finn with confusion. "So when you tell me you're sleeping at the station instead of going home, you're sleeping on that?" she asked, pointing to the beds.
Finn chuckled lightly, "Yeah, I'm used to it. Not all of us live close to work so a lot of us pretty much live here."
"Well I have a perfectly fine apartment close by if you ever need a break." Rachel leaned up to give Finn a quick kiss before they continued. "I miss you. I hate that we can't see each other a lot. I mean I'm so close yet we are hardly available at the same time." She sighed in frustration as Finn continued to walk.
"That's what phones are for right? We can't help our schedules right now. I'm happy with whatever time we have." Finn pulled her into his side as they walked into the common kitchen area. He showed her the cooking schedule and different meals they have on the menu. Finn even cooks too which she was surprised to learn. It was all very organized.
"Well that's pretty much it. Not too exciting. What time are you heading over to the river?" Finn sat at the table in the kitchen patting the seat next to him for Rachel to join him.
"I have to leave in about 30 minutes. Your brother can be very persistent you know." Rachel laughed checking her phone to see yet another text from Kurt. "I regret giving permission to have you pass my number on."
"Yeah Kurt can be a little much but he means well. He and his husband are pretty great. They've helped me through a lot."
Rachel looked at Finn, trying to read his face, but nothing indicated he was upset. He always hinted about therapy and going through rough times, but all she knows is his father has passed. Kurt wasn't around for that though so he must be talking about something later on in his life. "I'm sure they've been great to you both. Honestly, I've only met your family once but they seem wonderful. I'm excited to get to talk to them more. I assume they know we're dating now?"
"If by assume you mean my mom texting me every day asking how you are, then yes." Finn smiled at her as he pulled her into his lap. "You need to relax. Go have a good time tonight. Not too much fun though or I'll be sad." Finn made a pout face and blinked his eyes at Rachel several times.
"Oh don't make that face or I'll have to stay here all night with you instead. I don't think the Chief would like that too much would he?"
Just then the alarm went off, causing Rachel to jump out of Finn's lap.
"You get used to it," he said as he started walking Rachel out into the main area. "You're going to have to go because I'll be gone a while. You can head out the side door to avoid the chaos as we leave. I'll see you later ok?" Finn gave her a quick peck on the lips before trotting off.
Rachel watched as Finn walked over to where his gear was, he was getting dressed at a pace she'd never seen before. The reality of what he does for a living was coming to fruition right before her eyes. Of course she knows he's a Fireman, and she knows what he does on a daily basis, but she had never put much thought past that. Watching him get dressed and head into the firetruck was amazing. And hot. She was dating a hot fireman and wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Holy Shit.
After the fire truck pulled away, Rachel followed Finn's instructions and walked down a hallway towards the side door. There were only a few people left at the station. She assumed they were off duty or didn't need to go on the call. She was almost to the door when something caught her eye. There were several plaques on the wall of men who had died on the job. In the center was a plaque with 8 names on it. At the top it read "For our brothers lost on September 11, 2001."
The first name on the list was Christopher James Hudson.
Rachel felt sick as she leaned against the wall behind her. She knew Finn's dad had passed away, but he never elaborated. How could he not tell her? Why didn't he?
She soon felt tears coming to her eyes, imagining Finn as a boy losing his father in a national tragedy. She glanced above the plaque where the were pictures of the fallen heroes. Finn looked just like his dad, proud crooked smile and all. She needed to get out of here before she over reacted because right now she wants to send Finn a text about it but knows that isn't the best idea. This isn't something to be taken lightly. What if he never planned on telling her? He had to know she would find out eventually.
Rachel exited the building and could hear the siren slowly growing quieter in the distance. She slowly walked towards the river, deciding to take her time. The freedom tower caught her eye and she wondered how Finn felt seeing that building every day, reminding him of where his father died. Is that why he became a Fireman?
Finn's out on a call for who knows how long, and she wants to have this talk in person. Her patience was going to be tested, and she knows being patient isn't her strongest attribute.
#5: Hey, what time are you off later? Any chance we can meet up today? or maybe tomorrow?
Rachel puts her phone away, knowing she won't get an answer for a while. She finally reached the entrance to the party, giving them her name for entrance. Once inside the open tent, she quickly heard her name being called from the other side. Should she tell Kurt she knows? Oh and poor Carole, losing her husband like that. She needed to put on the best act of her life right now or she'd spend the entire night in tears.
"Hi Kurt! I hope my outfit meets your expectations." Rachel smiled wildly, almost too wide, to show her enthusiasm.
Next to Kurt was a darker haired man, dressed perfectly in white pants and a blue polo. Kurt was wearing red shorts with a matching blue polo. "Oh yes you look fabulous. Rachel this is my husband Blaine. Blaine, meet Finn's girlfriend Rachel."
Rachel extended her arm out to shake Blaine's hand. They made an adorable couple.
"Nice to meet you Rachel. I've heard SO much about you."
"Oh well I hope they've all been good things!" Rachel hadn't realized how nervous she was until right now. She could feel the sweat gathering on her forehead and her hands were shaky.
"Of course they were good things silly! Come sit with us at our table! Dad and Carole are already there."
Rachel followed Kurt to a round table with Burt and Carole seated at it. It was still surreal that she would be hanging out with the Mayor and his family for the day.
"Rachel!" Carole said as she waved. "So glad you could make it! Too bad Finn has to work. He loves the Fourth!" Carole pulled Rachel into a hug before pulling out a seat for her.
"I just saw Finn actually. He was upset he had to miss this." Rachel placed her purse on the table, checking her phone again to find no new texts or calls. "He went out on a call so I left and headed here. I've never been to an organized event on the fourth. Thanks for inviting me."
Burt got called away to speak with some guests and Kurt and Blaine decided to go play horseshoes down on the lawn. That left Rachel alone with Carole. Rachel tried to ignore the cameras popping over the bushes to take pictures.
"It's so nice to have you here. Finn should bring you around here more often. And don't worry about the cameras. It's annoying at these events and we just try to enjoy ourselves. Kurt always makes sure he and Blaine are dressed up so they get good pictures but Burt and I don't really care that much. "
"Paparazzi never really cared about me unless I was at an event so I'm not really used to it I suppose," Rachel said as she glanced over her shoulder again. "I wish Finn brought me around more too. I had a great time when I met you at the diner. To be honest, Finn and I don't see a whole lot of each other. Our schedules are insane. I'm hoping to book a movie soon and take a break from the Broadway schedule. It wasn't so bad before but now I have someone else who can occupy my time." Rachel smiled at the thought of spending more time with Finn. She craved it.
"A movie? Well that's exciting! I can't say I know anything about making movies but it sounds so interesting! What's it about?"
Rachel gives her a synopsis of the plot, to which Carole became teary. "Oh wow that sounds amazing. So powerful. I hope you get the role Rachel. I'm sure you will." Carole smiled sweetly at Rachel.
"I should find out next week. Fingers crossed! I'm ready for a change and this would be perfect."
"Where will you film it? Here in NY?"
The last Rachel heard it was going to be filmed in Los Angeles, but that hadn't really come up in conversations with Finn yet. She hesitated for a moment before speaking. "Well I believe it will be filmed in LA, but those things change quite often. I won't get more information unless I book the role."
She could see the smile on Carole's face fall slightly. "Well Los Angeles will be exciting too!"
That was another thing she and Finn hadn't talked about. They hadn't talked about much of anything really. In past relationships, everything was laid out on the table from day 1. Maybe she was holding back a little too and hadn't even realized it.
As the evening went on, she wondered if she should ask Kurt or Carole about Finn's father. How has this never come up? Was he afraid of her reaction? Or was he unable to talk about it because it was too painful? There were hundreds of reasons swirling through her brain, but until she spoke to Finn she wasn't sure which reason was the right one. She was jolted from her thoughts by the buzz of her cellphone.
10K: Sure! If I get off early tonight I'll send you a text. Otherwise I can come over after I wake up tomorrow which won't be before 10 am. I need my beauty sleep after a shift ;)
She smiled at his text, forcing herself to relax and try to enjoy the night. Rachel sent back a quick text saying she will be waiting to hear from him, and then followed the rest of the family down to the river's edge to watch the fireworks show. In the background she could see a firetruck and wondered if it was Finn's. Granted she see's them all of the time, but really never thought about Finn being the one doing the firefighting until today. His life was in danger every day, and that hit her like a ton of bricks.
She stood sandwiched between Carole and Burt as the firework show began. She didn't know them well, but they made every effort to make her feel comfortable. She couldn't help but notice Carole glancing over at her from time to time with a smile on her face. Does Carole want to tell her? She wished she knew.
Rachel did miss Finn being here, and she was becoming anxious thinking about talking to him about her discovery earlier in the night. She wished Santana wasn't on a trip with her new girlfriend in the Hamptons right now. She could really use some advice but didn't want to stress her out with drama. Santana would just tell her to grow a pair and not over react. That's exactly what she's trying to do.
The event ended around 10. She survived the night without her newfound information slipping out of her mouth. Finn's entire family gave her huge hugs and thanked her for coming over and over. They even offered her a ride home, but the city was busy and she needed the walk home to think.
The air was thick with humidity as she continued the trek home. Her thoughts drifted to how much she had let herself be absorbed by Finn and go against everything she had done in the past. She had let her guard down. Was this a red flag? Is Finn hiding things from her just to use her? He didn't seem like that but Rachel knew her track history with guys wasn't the best. She had thought things were going great with him, but maybe she was wrong. If things were going to continue, they would really have to make an effort to see each other more. Sporadic lunches and stolen moments was clearly not enough.
She passed by the firehouse but could see that the truck was gone. He was out on a call so she didn't bother going in. She decided to head home and shower before Finn hopefully called soon.
Around 11, Rachel had finished showering and laid on the couch clutching her phone in her hand. She hadn't heard from Finn in hours and was starting to get worried. Why had she never thought about how dangerous his job was before? Maybe she was trying not to get too attached. Getting attached means it hurts worse when it ends. She knows that all too well.
Rachel was woken abruptly around 1 am. She could hear banging on her door which made her heart race. She glanced at her phone and saw 5 missed calls from Finn. "Shit!" she cried as she raced for the door. Rachel wasn't prepared for what was on the other side. She gasped when she saw him.
Finn stood still as the door opened. His eyes were red and puffy, hair wet from sweat. His uniform smelled strongly of smoke, and she could see the soot gathered around his neck and wrists.
"Oh my god Finn! Are you okay? What happened?"
She grabbed his hand to guide him inside of the apartment. He was carrying a duffel bag that she recognized from the first time he came over. Finn still hadn't spoken, so she guided him back to her bathroom where the shower was bigger and he could have more space. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Finn looked down at her with pain in his eyes. "Can I shower first? I just... I need a minute. Sorry for waking you."
"Finn don't apologize! I was waiting for your call and must have fallen asleep. Take all the time you need. I'll wait up." She turned the water on, placed some towels on the counter, and left him. She glanced back as she shut the door and all she could see was pain in his eyes.
Rachel sat back on her bed, rearranging the pillows a few times as she heard the water running in the bathroom. She had waiting all night to confront him about his dad, but after seeing him so upset about something that obviously happened at work was making her want to put it off. Her phone caught her eye and she decided to scroll through the calls to see how long she had been asleep. Finn had called five times within a 30 minute time frame from 12:00 am -12:30. A sinking feeling came over her as she realized how desperate he had been to get ahold of her and she wasn't awake to help him.
Finn slowly opened the bathroom door, revealing himself. His eyes were still red, but his hair and skin were clean. He had thrown on his typical FDNY t-shirt and loose shorts.
"Can I throw these in your wash? They stink." he asked as he held up his dirty uniform.
"Of course you can! Do you want me to do it?" she asked as she held out her arms.
"No no, I don't want you to smell like these clothes do. I'll be right back." Finn solemnly walked out into the hallway and Rachel could hear him messing with the cabinets and closing the washer. Before she could think of what to say, he was back in her room.
"Sorry, I just wanted to see you. Something bad happened tonight. I..." he hesistated, "I just wanted to see your face."
Rachel pat the empty space beside her in the bed, pulling back the sheets so he could slide in. "What happened Finn? Are you hurt?" She stared into his eyes as she pushed his messy wet hair off of his forehead.
"I'm fine," he sighed, "just upset mostly. We lost someone tonight. It never gets easier when we lose someone on the job." Finn rolled over to face Rachel. 'Normally I just go home and stay up all night thinking about it. Tonight I just wanted to be with you."
Rachel could feel tears springing into her eyes and she tried to blink them away. "Well I'm honored you thought of me. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No. I just hate knowing I failed at my job tonight. I didn't do enough. I wasn't enough."
"Finn, I know we haven't known each other long, but I know you enough to say that I am 100% positive you did everything you could tonight." Rachel rubbed his arm for reassurance as Finn avoided eye contact. "Look at me Finn, you're strong and brave, but you can't save everyone."
"Please don't say that right now. Please don't. I let a lot of people down tonight. I tried to get to him, but they pulled me out as the roof was collapsing." He closed his eyes as he sighed, the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"Who did you let down Finn? Accidents happen. They pulled you out so you wouldn't die too right?"
"I let myself down Rachel. I let that poor woman down whose husband I couldn't save. I let my dad down-"
"Finn, I'm sure your dad would be proud of you too."
Finn grumbled "You don't understand Rachel."
Before she knew what was happening, the words left her mouth. "I know about your dad Finn."
Finn sat up quickly. "what do you mean you know? Know what?"
Rachel hesitated as she saw how agitated he was. "I know how he died. In 9/11. I saw it on the wall at the firehouse. Why didn't you tell me Finn?"
Finn looked at her with tears in his eyes. "Because if you saw the look on your face right now, you'd know why I couldn't tell you."
Yes, its a cliffhanger. Things about Finn's past will start to come forward in the next chapter. Please review :)
