I'm back! A huge thank you to all of you who still read and review! I appreciate it all! Once again I own the plot but no glee characters of course. Enjoy!
"I let myself down Rachel. I let that poor woman down whose husband I couldn't save. I let my dad down-"
Before she knew what was happening, the words left her mouth. "I know about your dad Finn."
Finn sat up quickly. "what do you mean you know? Know what?"
Rachel hesitated as she saw how agitated he was. "I know how he died. In 9/11. I saw it on the wall at the firehouse. Why didn't you tell me Finn?"
Finn looked at her with tears in his eyes. "Because if you saw the look on your face right now, you'd know why I couldn't tell you."
"Finn what are you talking about? Why didn't you tell me?"
Finn felt like he was going to throw up. This wasn't how he imagined this going. "If you could see the look in your eyes, that look of pity and sadness, you would know why I put it off. His death is so much more than what happened on one day Rachel. His life too for that matter."
She was tearing up a bit. She wished she hadn't said anything right now but it was too late. "Then tell me Finn. I know we haven't been dating long, but you never thought to mention it? What about at your house when I saw his picture and you told me he died?" There was a hint of desperation in her voice now, almost as if she was willing him to open up to her.
Finn sat back down on the bed, his back to Rachel. She immediately walked over to him and sat beside him.
"It was nice you know, to meet someone who didn't know my past. Who didn't look at me with that sadness or ask me questions about it. I know you could have easily googled me and figured it out, but you didn't so then it just became this thing hanging over my head every time I saw you. "
Rachel grabbed Finn's large hand and wrapped it around hers. "Finn, I just feel lied to a little. Why is this a secret? Why does it matter?"
"I'm sorry. I know I messed up and if this makes you want to walk I'll understand. A lot of my life has centered around this one event, this one day that changed everything. I've spent so much of my life in therapy, I should just become one myself. You were already so reluctant to date me that I didn't want to bombard you with all of this sad shit. We were having fun and to be honest haven't had a ton of time together, so I was just letting it go. I'm actually surprised it didn't come up tonight with my mom or Kurt."
"I thought about asking them but I really wanted to talk to you first," she answered quietly. "I can't imagine losing a parent Finn, especially in such a public way. I just wish I would have found out from you and not on my own. No one knows that I know and they didn't say anything to me either."
Finn rubbed his hands over his tired eyes. "They all love you. My mom even sent me a text tonight saying how nice it was to have you come to the party." Finn sighed loudly and turned towards her. "Rachel, I understand if me keeping this from you is a deal breaker but there's more to the story that I can't even get into right now.
Rachel took a deep breath and sighed loudly. "Finn, this is just a lot. I'm not saying anything is a deal breaker. We've barely been dating. I do think we need to take a step back and truly date. More than just a quick lunch or texting. I need to KNOW you Finn. You don't know much about me either."
"I want to know you Rachel. I want you to know me too. I promise. I really like you. I feel things for you that I've never felt before. I'm the happiest I've ever been."
Finn felt as if she was slipping away right before his eyes. Her face was serious as she stared back at him. "This is something huge for me and very emotional. I don't talk about it a lot. Hardly ever actually. I almost told you that day at my house. I feel comfortable with you, and you make me want to tell you everything. I just can't, or I couldn't then."
Rachel could see the exhaustion in Finn's eyes. As much as she wanted to continue this, she knew it had to wait until the morning.
"Let's sleep. You're tired and this probably isn't the best time to get into this or we'll be up all night and that's not good for either of us."
"Are you sure? I can go sleep at the station if you'd prefer." Finn stood up and started looking for his bag.
"Yes I'm sure. You're not leaving. Come crawl in here and get some sleep. You've had a long night and we can finish this conversation over breakfast. Sound good?"
Rachel lifted the sheets again for Finn to climb into bed. As he laid on the pillow, he brushed her cheek with his hand. "Thank you Rachel."
She grabbed his hand and tucked it into hers. She stared at Finn as he closed his eyes, his face still looking tense. Eventually, he took a deep breath and his face relaxed as he drifted off.
Rachel couldn't sleep at all. Her mind was swirling full of thoughts and part of her wished she hadn't let Finn go to sleep after all. Every so often Finn would stir, and Rachel would sit up hoping he was awake, but he would just roll over. Soon the clock read 2 am and she wondered if she was going to be up all night.
Finn opened his eyes slowly, trying to figure out where he was. He knew this wasn't his bed, and it definitely was too comfortable to be a bed at work. Once his eyes focused on the sleeping girl across from him, he remembered he's at Rachel's. A sense of dread overcame him though, as he also remembered the events of last night both at work and here. He needed to make this right. He'd tell her everything the second she woke up.
He looked over at Rachel, her mouth hanging slightly open and her body sprawled out like a starfish. He so badly wanted to take a picture of her and save it on his phone, but wasn't sure if she'd be okay with it.
His phone began to ring which made him jump. It was his mom. He answered it quickly as he scurried out of the room and into the hallway hoping not to wake Rachel.
"Hi mom," he answered. "I know I forgot to call you last night and I'm so sorry." He leaned back against the wall as he whispered. "I'm fine."
"Finn I've been hysterical for two hours since I saw the news this morning. I know a man died and some firemen were injured and I've been worried sick it was you! You have never not called."
He could hear the tears in her frantic voice. "Mom, I'm sorry. I came over to Rachel's to talk it out and then we stayed up late and I fell asleep. It was a rough night."
"Please don't forget again. I was about to drive out to Brooklyn to your house but I texted Puck and he said you weren't there either. I'm glad you had Rachel to go to though. I hate when you're upset and you go home alone."
"Mom, Rachel knows. She knows about dad."
"You told her? Finn I'm so proud of you! I know you haven't told anyone you've dated about him in a few years. Well not since Quinn. Wait, does she know about Quinn?!"
"No I didn't tell her. She saw dad's picture up at the Firehouse after I left yesterday. Quinn hasn't come up but I plan on telling her everything from beginning to end once she wakes up. She needs to know." Finn played with the seam of his t-shirt with his free hand, nervous to see if Rachel will stick around after this mess. "Can I call you later? I think I hear her now."
"Yes of course you can. And Finn? She's such a great girl. I think you'll be fine."
Just then Rachel stumbled into the hallway rubbing her eyes.
"Hey Rach, sorry if that phone call woke you up. My mom was calling."
"I needed to get up anyways," she said as she stretched her arms above her head, her messy bun now lopsided. "It's 9 am and I'm hungry. Is everything okay with your mom?"
"Yeah, she just makes me promise to call her if I'm ever on a bad call and last night was the first time I didn't let her know I was okay."
Rachel's eyes grew wide. "Oh she must have been worried sick. I had no idea or I would have made you call her before you fell asleep."
Rachel turned on the coffee pot as Finn sat at the kitchen table, scrolling through his phone quickly. "I guess we slept through her other calls but she understood. She was glad I wasn't home by myself. She knows how I get after bad calls where we lose someone or people get hurt."
Rachel sank into his side as she moved closer, her arm wrapped around him. "Well I'm glad she knows you're okay. I can't imagine being worried about you like that all of the time. Last night was the first time I really thought about it you know? Did she not want you to be a fireman?"
Rachel poured them each a cup of coffee as Finn began to speak. "No. She didn't want me to have any type of dangerous job at all. I'm her only son you know? Well I was until she married Burt. Still though, she worries a lot about me."
"So," Rachel said as she sat down bedside him, "we need to talk about things. I don't have a lot of secrets Finn. I can tell you about my past relationships and why they ended, or the two years I spent pretty much not dating at all, but I feel that you have a bigger story to tell."
Just then Santana came flying into the apartment. "Rachel!" she screamed as she approached the kitchen. "We have a major problem with your auction boyfriend!" Rachel's eyes grew wide as she looked across the table at Finn who looked just as stunned.
"Oh perfect he's here! Care to explain some things before I lose my shit on you?" Santana folded her arms as she waited for a reply.
"I already know Santana. He told me." Rachel laughed. "Calm down."
"Told you what exactly?" Santana stares straight into Finn's eyes as she says it.
"He told me about his dad. How he died on 9/11. That's what this is about right?"
Santana rolled her eyes. "NOPE. Guess again! How about this guy here has a super bitter ex wife! Did he tell you that part?"
Rachel looked at Finn who turned white as a ghost. Her calm demeanor was quickly replaced with panic. "WHAT! You were married before?! Finn!" Rachel stood up pushing her chair away behind her. " Another secret? Seriously? I am the biggest idiot ever!"
"Rachel let me-" Finn starts but is quickly cut off.
"Save it Finn. This is what I get Santana!" she said as she turned to her friend throwing her hands in the air. "This is what I get for finally letting myself go. A guy with a bitter ex wife he didn't even tell me about! I let the thing about your dad slide because I get it and its painful, but when were you planning on telling me about this huh?"
Finn's face has turned pale and his eyes are burning. "I...I told you there was a lot of involvement with my dad's death and this is part of it. How did you even find out Santana? My father's people have kept her quiet for quite some time."
Santana whips out her phone. "I don't think it even matters HOW I found out, but your ex has been blabbing to the papers, commenting on the fact that Rachel was seen with your parents last night." Santana scrolls through something on her phone that no one else can see. "It says here 'Ms. Quinn Fabray, formerly Hudson, states that 'There are only two explanations as to why Rachel Berry would be at that gathering with the Mayors family. 1. She needs publicity or 2. Finn needs money.'
"Quinn? The Quinn we hate Quinn? She's your ex wife?" Rachel's voice faltered a bit, partly from exhaustion and partly from her overwhelming need to cry during emotional outbursts.
"Yeah that's her. Hate isn't even the word I have for her anymore. She's obviously looking for a rise or some fame. I know you aren't dating me for publicity and I've never asked you for money. She's insane. I thought divorcing her would be enough but she manages to pop up every so often to just rip it all open again."
Rachel felt her heart race as she flipped through the article on Santana's phone. There were several pictures of Rachel interacting with the Hummel's followed by several quotes from Quinn.
Should she call it quits now? As she looked across at Finn, he looked broken. He went from the dominant one in the relationship to the weakest link in a split second. How did this happen? She knows what she would have done if she had met Finn two years ago after her last breakup. She would have run far away, closing herself off to any chance with him. For some reason, she did not want to run. She wanted to know everything, learn about why he felt he couldn't tell her this.
"Santana can you leave please?" she said handing the phone back to her.
"Leave? You can't be serious Berry. I'm not leaving you here with him so he can convince you to stay with him. Not happening."
"I'll just go." Finn stood up, pushing his chair in slowly as he headed down the hall towards the laundry room. "Can I just get a bag for my wet uniform please?"
"Finn you're not leaving. Sit down." Rachel pointed toward his chair until he complied. "Santana, please give me a moment to talk this over with Finn. I'm a big girl. I'll call you later."
Santana opened her mouth to protest but Rachel just turned her back to her and sat back down at the table. "Fine! I'm coming back in an hour and you BETTER have some information. I've got to figure out how to fix this mess and release some sort of response if we need to. You're up for a huge movie role for gods sake!"
They heard her stomp out of the apartment and slam the door.
"Okay now where were we?" Rachel said as she sipped her coffee.
"Wait you're not going to say anything about what just happened?" Finn asked, stunned by her calm demeanor.
"I want to hear it from you so I'm giving you the chance. Don't blow it." Her face was serious as she waited for him to begin. She was giving him a chance because deep down she wanted this to be it. She hadn't let herself feel this deeply in so long, and of course the rug was pulled out from under her right when she was jumping in with both feet.
"Thank you, for giving me the chance. I'll tell you everything. If you feel I'm leaving stuff out just ask. I promise I'll answer ok? Where do you want me to start?"
"The beginning I guess?" Rachel said as she curled her feet underneath her.
Finn took a deep breathe and closed his eyes. "Okay," he said as he opened his eyes. "I'll start on September 11th 2001."
Rachel already felt emotional with just those words spoken. She hoped she could truly listen to him without getting too upset. Maybe she hadn't wanted to know everything, just some things.
"My dad and I always had this ritual. He would get off of his shift in the city and drive home before I went off to school. He'd have breakfast with me while my mom left for her job at a local CPA office. They were always good at making sure I was never home alone, or at least not too long once I got older." He paused for a moment, rubbing his hands through his hair. "So after we would have breakfast he would walk with me to school and we'd talk about his night or what types of calls he went on. It was our thing and looking back I'm so grateful he took that time to be with me."
Finn took a big sip of his coffee as he continued. "So that morning of the 11th was no different. My mom was getting ready to leave because my dad was usually home within 10-15 minutes of that. But this morning the phone rang. I could tell it was my dad based on what my mom was saying. Sometimes he ran late because he had to work over time or something so it wasn't unusual. I would usually just walk with Puck or his mom would pick me up. So my mom told me dad had to work because someone's wife was having a baby and he agreed to cover for him last minute. She sent me out the door to meet Puck halfway."
Rachel had questions. So many questions. She didn't want to overstep or interrupt though. She decided to let him continue, sipping her coffee as she dedicated her attention to him.
"It was a normal day until around 9 am. I saw a few teachers out in the hall crying, then kids started to get called out of class. No one really knew what was going on. Of course rumors were flying around slowly that a bomb had gone off in the city, and a plane crash of course. This was before every middle school kid had a cell phone, so we were left to our own imaginations since the teachers were told to go about their day and not give out any information. Now I know its because most of us had parents that worked in the city or at the actual Trade Center so they were trying to prevent panic. For some reason I didn't even give it a second thought that my dad might be in danger. Then around 10:30 I got called to the office."
Rachel could feel the tears gathering in her eyes knowing which part of the story was to follow. Finn got up and grabbed a box of Kleenex from the counter and handed it to her.
"Shouldn't I be the one giving these to you?" she asked.
"Rachel I know this story by heart. I've lived and relived it so many times. You're hearing it first. Trust me this is probably harder for you right now than it is for me."
He sits back down leaning his elbows onto the table and resting his folded hands onto the cold table. "When I got up to the office, Puck's mom Rebecca was standing there and her eyes were red. She told me she was taking me home and my mom was already there waiting. Looking back this was my last pure moment of innocence. I still didn't really grasp what was happening until I walked into my house and saw my mom."
It was at this thought that Finn started to tear up a bit.
"My mom was staring at the TV like a zombie. Her eyes were bloodshot and she was holding the phone on her lap, gripping it so tightly like her life depended on it. When she saw me she got hysterical. I had to hold her up as she tried to hug me. Both of my parents were always so strong, but she broke. Rebecca explained what had happened, and I glanced out of the window and could actually see the smoke billowing from the city. Throughout the day people started gathering at our house. People from the neighborhood, my grandparents, Puck. My mom was a mess, there was really no communication because no one could get into the city and no one knew anything anyways. As the hours passed and it was getting dark, some people started making it home from the city. Some were covered in ash, others had stories to tell of how it looked when the buildings fell, but no one knew anything about my dad."
Rachel let out a quiet sob she had been holding in. "Finn you don't have to continue. I'm so sorry. I was just hurt that I had no idea about any of it. I want to be the person you want to go to. The person that knows all about you. It's selfish I guess, but please don't continue if you don't want to."
Finn stood up quietly and held out his hand to Rachel. She slowly raised her hand into his as he led her into the living room and onto the couch. "Sit with me please? I feel better when you're close."
Rachel scoots into his side, her hand still holding his.
"Eventually days passed and reality set in. My dad wasn't coming back. My mom was a wreck, crying at all times of the day. I tried to be strong for her too, but the morning she told me to go back to school I lost it. I ran to my room and locked myself inside. I stared at the street for hours, hoping that my dad would magically appear. I used to have dreams where he would just show up at our house, saying that he had been hurt and trapped in a hospital bed for months. Not having closure really messed us both up."
Rachel stared at the side of his face as he continued to speak. She wanted to kiss him senseless and take his pain away.
"Eventually time went on. I went back to school and my mom went back to work and we survived on autopilot. I got used to the sound of her crying herself to sleep every night and screaming my dad's name waking from nightmares. I was only twelve, but honestly my childhood was gone the second my dad died."
Finn took a deep breathe and turned his body towards Rachel, pushing a stray hair out of her face. "About six months later they found my dad's helmet. That's all we ever got. We had a memorial service for him but we had nothing to bury. I'm sure you don't need me to go into detail about the year's of therapy I went through, but trust me there was plenty."
Rachel brought Finn's hand up to her mouth and gently kissed it, some tears falling onto his hand. "Sorry" she whispered as she wiped the wetness with her shirt.
"Rachel, when I first saw you come onto the stage at the auction, I wasn't expecting anything to come of it. I assure you I thought you were hot no doubt, but I wasn't thinking that this would go anywhere. You were different, in a good way. I never thought a girl like you would ever give me a chance, but I figured there was no harm in trying. It was refreshing that you didn't know anything about me. I could start a relationship with a clean slate for once. I guess this all just backfired."
Rachel shook her head in disagreement. "No. I haven't told you about my past either. Nothing tragic happened, but I have been in some messed up relationships that played a part into why I didn't want to date you at first. But what about Quinn? How does your relationship with her have anything to do with your dad dying? Did she cheat on you or something because you were sad? Did you cheat on her?"
Finn laughed lightly. "No I didn't cheat on her. I would never. As for her I don't know and I don't want to. The girl I divorced was not the girl I married. I wasn't hiding that from you either, but you never asked and it's not exactly something I'm proud of. Every girl I tried to date after my divorce knew who my dad was or viewed me as damaged goods. I'm sure you're feeling the same way too."
Rachel leaned forward and kissed Finn softly on the lips. "You're wrong. I think you're the bravest man I know. We all have a past Finn, it makes us who we are. I spent two years in a relationship with a complete douche who treated me poorly which sent me into a tailspin. Things happen and we learn from them and move on."
"Are we okay then? I don't want to lose this thing we have going on. These past few weeks have been the happiest I've been in a really long time."
"We're good Finn. No more secrets though. I do want to know the details about Quinn but I trust for now that you're being honest with me that there was no infidelity. That's a sore spot with me."
Finn smiled and pulled her in for a hug. "I promise no infidelity. I never even cheated on my girlfriend in the 8th grade who refused to kiss me or hold my hand."
"Poor baby. Little Finn was denied huh?" She reached up to grab his face and pulled him into a deep kiss. Finn hadn't expected this reaction from Rachel, but at this point who was he to argue?
He pulled away slightly, there foreheads still touching. "I'm in this for the long haul Rachel. When I'm not with you, you're all I can think about. I know we don't spend a ton of time together, but I'm hoping that will change."
Rachel looked into his eyes and felt overwhelmed. She'd waited so long for someone like him. Someone who wanted to be with her unconditionally. Yes, their meeting had been less than ideal and things haven't been perfect, but here he was. He was still HERE.
"Finn, I'm falling for you, I won't deny it. I'm just scared. I'm trying to take it one step at a time, day by day, but my brain wants to look at the long term and I'm fighting it. In the past, I threw myself into relationships completely and it always came back to bite me. I don't want to get hurt. When I discovered you had been hiding something from me, I jumped to conclusions and thought you didn't want to tell me. I get it now. Your pain and sadness. I wish I could take it all away, but I know its made you who you are and you are the most wonderful guy I've ever met."
She flashed him a smile while they still held onto each other. Finn looked at her with intent as he went into for another kiss. This time both were met with feverish lips and tongues fighting for control.
He hoisted Rachel up into his arms and they continued to kiss and he tried to make his way to her bedroom. They hadn't been intimate since that night at his house, not for lack of trying. They just never seem to be in a private place at the same time.
Rachel whimpered as her back was pressed up against the hallway wall, her legs wrapped around Finn's waist. He kissed her neck and nibbled at her ear and she felt like her entire body was on fire. She had spent two years without someone caring for her, showing any desire for her. Now she couldn't get enough.
Finn held her there for a while, her center grinding against him at just the right angle. It was like neither of them could get close enough to the other.
"Bed," she panted, "now."
Finn followed her directions, breaking contact only to see where he was going. He threw her back onto the bed and she flashed him a devilish grin.
They didn't hear Santana return through the front door, but she made her presence known. "Jesus Christ I can smell the sex from here! Really Berry? I leave you two to talk and return to you two bumping uglies?!"
Rachel stifled the laugh that tried to escape from her mouth. "I'll go deal with her. You stay here."
Finn groaned loudly, trying to ignore the giant erection in his pants as Rachel climbed off of the bed.
"Please hurry back ok?" he pleaded as he winked.
"Oh trust me I will!" Rachel straightened out her clothes and made her way out into the living area to find Santana standing there with her arms folded.
"Rachel? Seriously? You spent two fucking years working on yourself and you are so so weak right now."
Rachel rolled her yes. "He told me everything Santana. Well almost everything." Rachel knew she didn't know the full reason why his marriage ended, but as long as it didn't involve cheating on Finn's part she honestly didn't care right now.
"Well since you and lover boy aren't splitting up, what statement do you want me to make? Or are you leaving that up to me?"
Rachel appreciated that Santana almost always consulted her before writing a press release. It made her feel in charge of her semi-famous self once in a while. "Let's say nothing. She's looking for a rise out of us and I don't want to give it to her. She didn't really say anything harmful. She seems jealous and she should be. Finn's amazing and she's an idiot for letting their marriage go."
Santana looked back at Rachel with her mouth hanging open. "I don't know who you are right now, and I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but you're changing. Hell two months ago you bid 10,000 bucks on Finn just so someone else wouldn't have him!"
Rachel bit her lip, trying to pretend that fact wasn't true.
"Now here you are, letting something go? For a guy? Hmmmm. He must be something special. You're becoming a softie now. He's breaking through that icy facade you've had going for a while."
"Icy facade? Really? Was I that bad?" Rachel asked as she readjusted her now half undone ponytail.
"That's a discussion for another day," Santana chuckled. "Can you just give him a message for me? Please for the love of god tell me about any more skeletons in the closet before I explode. Got it?"
Santana turned on her heels and began to walk away. "Oh and the directors for that movie called. They need another few weeks but its between you and one other actress. Fingers crossed!"
Shit, Rachel thought to herself. The movie! She probably should tell Finn that she might be gone for the better part of four months if she gets it.
She heard her bedroom door open slowly. "Rach? Is she gone? Come back to bed."
Rachel walked back to the bedroom slowly, focused on Finn's smiling face through the doorway. She hoped her career wasn't going to ruin this good thing they had going.
I hope this chapter explained some things for everyone! Hoping I can stay consistent with the updates from here on out. Please review :)
