Home is Not a Place
Rachel's first four months in Paris flew by.
On her first days, she visited numerous apartments and successfully secured the key to her new flat before her mother's arrival with Emma. It was an effortlessly chic two bedroom in a sweet little neighborhood, with charming Juliette balconies and an interesting view. Though there wasn't much in the apartment by then yet, she was happy – and bit sad – she could at least finally give her daughter her own bedroom. It was an important step for them that she knew had been delayed for too long.
In between furnishing her place and interviewing nannies, she found some time to explore the city with her mother and daughter. They visited the Eiffel tower, shopped at the Champs Elysée, and ate more croissants than she could count.
Work started the following week. As sophisticated and professional as things were in the Ralph Lauren office in New York, they paled in comparison to what Rachel found at the Louis Vuitton headquarters. She had to admit she felt slightly inadequate at first, but she was also very determined to prove herself. She had given up too much to be there, after all.
A week after that, Sandra Green went back to the United States and, though it was nice to get a break from her mom, whose company could grow tiresome after a few days, some nights the apartment felt awfully quiet after Emma's bedtime. Evenings shared with her mother and fine cheese were replaced by cuddles with her sleeping daughter followed by long hours with the work she would usually bring home. "Just until I get my bearings", she would tell herself.
After they settled on a routine, it all started to feel very strange for Rachel. Paris didn't exactly feel like home – not yet anyway. She was having a nice time so far, but without a true sense of belonging. So, in a way, this felt like a very long vacation, the kind you enjoy very much, but part of that enjoyment comes from knowing it is only temporary.
The different language didn't help either. Rachel had private French lessons every Monday and Wednesday, but most days she still felt helpless and doubted she would ever truly become fluent. Thankfully, English was widely spoken among her colleagues and even most people in the city. Still, the barrier was always there, another daily reminder that she was an outsider who didn't quite fit in.
She talked to the gang regularly, but the phone calls didn't replace the comfort of having them around. Not that she expected it would, but she did hope by this point she would have had the chance to see them in person. With the amount work she'd been given – plus the all the extra she had willingly taken – she hadn't been able to take some time off yet to go back herself.
But her friends also had one thing or another which prevented them from coming to visit. Chandler and Monica, for example, had their hands full with the twins. Rachel had forgotten how insane those first few months with newborns were. She could hardly believe the babies on the pictures Monica sent her regularly were the same little bundles she'd seen briefly on the day she left New York. They were getting so big so quickly – and keeping her friends so busy.
A month into her new life, reality started hitting Rachel in much stronger waves. One Sunday night she called her best friend to catch up only to find out she had some of her new neighbors over for lunch. They had to keep it brief because between having to entertain her guests, keeping an eye on the twins and supervising Chandler on the barbecue, Monica had her hands full.
Rachel cried for hours after hanging up, glad Emma wasn't awake anymore to witness it. She was finally realizing her friends' lives were going on without her. She wouldn't get to see the twins growing up, she wouldn't be able to develop a close relationship with them and be their Fun Aunt Rachel. Emma too would not develop a real friendship with her cousins, just as Rachel would not have the same relationship with her best friends anymore. She figured it was now only a matter of time before the distance started eroding it all.
Missing Phoebe's birthday a couple of weeks after that was also a hard blow. Rachel's heart ached when she realized it was only one of many special occasions she would miss going forward.
The one friend she talked to the most was, unsurprisingly, Ross. When they first spoke on the phone after her arrival, their conversation hadn't exactly been their most comfortable, but Rachel assumed it was because he was finally digesting the fact that she had really taken Emma away and needed time to deal with his resentment. She remembered just how heavy his voice was when he'd asked her how she was feeling, and then how she just went on and on about how beautiful Paris was. Now that she thought about it, she probably should have been more tactful about the whole thing.
Whatever the case, he'd kept his issues to himself, and with each following call things got better between them, as they always did. No matter what they went through together, Rachel knew she could count on them finding their way back to their comfortable dynamic. History taught her to just be patient and hang in there, because it was so worth it.
To deal with the time difference, they settled on a schedule of a quick phone call every Tuesday in between his classes and a Skype call every Sunday. Emma's developing communication skills had taken a big hit after the move, which Ross assured her was normal, with her now being exposed to two different languages at the same time. For that reason, the video calls seemed like the best option for them.
Emma would always squeal at the image of her father on the screen and engage for the first five minutes, but then she would grow bored and restless on her mother's lap and the rest of the call would mostly be between her parents, while she played with her dolls on a rug at Rachel's feet.
Most days the toddler was so well behaved and easy to handle. Some others, however, it was hard – really hard – and Rachel felt guilty for wishing she had someone else to take her if only for a little while. She came to understand that it really did take a village, and she had just left hers behind.
One night, well within their second month in France, Emma was being particularly difficult. They had been lying together in her "big girl" bed for hours, but she simply refused to sleep. After singing to herself for about half an hour, insisting on getting all of her Barbies in bed with her, then deciding to trade two of them for a teddy bear, she finally settled down under the covers and, just as Rachel thought she would close her eyes and fall sleep, she instead turned to her and asked without warning:
"Mommy, where's daddy?"
Rachel froze. She should have been ready for this question, but she wasn't.
"Daddy's in New York, sweetheart." She explained simply while stroking Emma's hair lovingly. Emma looked back at her with her big curious eyes as if that meant nothing to her, because of course it did. So, Rachel went on. "He's in his own home, honey, but I bet he's thinking about you and missing you and wishing he could give you a big hug right now."
"I want daddy tickles!"
Rachel smiled, remembering how Ross would sometimes tickle their daughter until she squealed in delight.
"How about some mommy tickles instead, huh?"
Rachel took a chance at tickling Emma, who giggled adorably in return, but not nearly as enthusiastically as she did with her father.
"No. Daddy tickles, mommy." She insisted, not letting herself be distracted for long. "I want daddy." The last part was said with a firmness in her little voice that surprised Rachel. Emma was such a sweet child, it was rare that she would adopt such a bossy tone with her or anyone else.
"I'm sorry, honey. He can't come, not today. But hey, we can give him a call instead, how about that?"
"Noooo, mommy!" Emma protested, starting to get really upset, and Rachel frowned. Of course, she knew his voice over the phone or even a videocall wouldn't replace the real thing: his warmth, his touch, his smell. Rachel was well aware. "Daddy here. Daddy, pwease."
And as she realized she wouldn't get what she wanted, Emma inevitably broke down into a hysterical wail, mumbling a lot of nonsense her mother couldn't quite understand.
Rachel sighed and glanced at her watch. It was way past her bedtime, yes, so the little girl was tired. But this of course wasn't causing her temper tantrum, it was only making it worse. What was causing it was the simple fact she missed her father, and this was not exactly something Rachel wished she would stop feeling, after all.
They just had to learn how to manage it better.
"I'm so sorry, baby." Rachel whispered and embraced the little girl. Pools of tears formed in her own eyes, but she refused to let them fall in front of Emma.
"Emma's birthday is coming up." Ross mentioned one Sunday on their Skype call.
Rachel smiled.
"Yeah, three weeks to go now."
"Mm, so I was thinking about flying over to see her."
Her smile widened.
"If that's OK." He added quickly.
"Oh my God, of course." She agreed, slightly surprised that he even felt like he needed to add that last part. "We would love to have you here, Ross!" She assured him.
And so the countdown began.
On the Saturday morning Ross arrived, Rachel even took Emma to the airport to go and pick him up. She just couldn't wait to see their daughter's reaction when she finally saw daddy again. They waited just outside the arrivals exit and, just as Emma was starting to get impatient, Ross appeared with a huge luggage in tow, no doubt half filled with presents for their daughter, Rachel bet.
Their eyes meet for a brief second, but his gaze quickly lowered to find Emma. Rachel sighed softly, reminding herself that he was there mainly to see her. She was their shared top priority, always. Rachel briefly asked herself if he would even be visiting her at all were it not for their daughter. She liked to think yes, they were still really good friends after all, but it pained her to admit that she couldn't bet on it.
"Honey, look! It's daddy."
Emma giggled and pointed at her father.
"Daddy!"
Ross reached them in time to catch her word. He chuckled emotionally.
"Hi Emma!"
He got down to one knee and opened his arms for her. Rachel's heart warmed up when Emma ran to him without hesitation, her own little arms wide open.
Ross hugged her tight and picked her up. His eyes were closed, cherishing this moment with all of his being. Rachel brushed a tear away before either of them could notice it.
"Oh, I've missed you so much." He kissed her hair and finally broke the hug to look at her little face. "God, look at you, Emma! You've grown so much!"
"Emma big girl!" She exclaimed spontaneously, making her parents laugh.
"Yes, big girl indeed." He agreed.
She then started rambling incoherently and Ross chuckled to himself, struggling to keep up. Even Rachel's trained ear could only pick up a few words here and there – most in English, but some already in French.
"OK, sure, that sounds like fun." Ross nodded along anyway.
Rachel laughed, which finally drew his attention to her. They smiled at each other.
"Welcome to Paris, Geller."
"Thanks Rach."
They hugged, but with their daughter still in his arms he could only encircle one arm around her. It was short and almost hesitant, not nearly as tight as their hugs usually were.
Still, she was smiling widely when they broke, knowing this probably the most genuine smile she'd worn in the last 4 months. She was just so incredibly happy to see him in the flesh again.
"It's so good to have you here." She said earnestly.
"Yeah, I… I really wanted to come sooner, but things kept coming up."
"Everything OK?"
"Yeah."
He didn't elaborate and she decided not to press him.
She realized, however, that this was just the way things have been for the past 4 months. Even though she had shared with him pretty much all of her adventures in Paris, big and small, she had very little knowledge of what he has been up to in New York. And it's not that she didn't ask – she always did. But he would often resort to vague answers, saying work was busy, life was the same, and everything was A-OK.
Well, they would have seven whole days in person now, and she made a promise to herself to use this time to peel this onion, even if just a little.
On their way out of the airport to get a taxi, she felt him stealing glances at her, admiring her even. He didn't say anything, but she could see it in his eyes, which didn't usually lie to her. She knew she looked a bit different now – better, she dared to admit. She couldn't help it. It was like day by day she was adjusting to the local fashion, absorbing the classic style of the French and leaving some of her American behind. It suited her.
Except Ross apparently refused to voice it. There was something about him, she noticed. He seemed guarded in his speech and his actions, but she hoped in the next few days she could get him to relax and revive their ease they had with each other that she so deeply missed.
But while he was acting slightly awkward with her, in contrast he looked so comfortable and content with Emma. Rachel observed the two of them interacting with such happiness it hurt. The little girl was not letting go of her father even for a second. Her tiny hand held on to the fabric of his bomber jacket so tightly, it was as if she wanted to make sure he wouldn't get away from her again.
Rachel also stole a few glances at him herself, admiring the father and the man he was. He also looked so good, she noted. She couldn't help but feel something inside of her being drawn to him again.
She still thought about their last night together often, because how could she not? Since she hadn't gone out much the past 4 months, she didn't have any close friends in Paris yet, much less a love interest. It made it so easy for her to turn back to the memories of that last night, especially late at night in the quiet of her bedroom. Those memories made her feel special, comforted, loved, and some days she really needed that.
When they said their final goodbyes, she told him she would never forget that night – and she knew that much was true. What she didn't expect, however, was that she would also not be able to stop thinking about it.
Rachel opened the door to her apartment and let Ross lead the way. Emma was still on his arms, babbling and singing and basically looking the happiest Rachel has seen her since their arrival in Paris. So Ross and Rachel communicated with their eyes, since their soundtrack that late morning was dominated by their talkative daughter.
She noticed him take in every little detail of the living room. Each item had been picked by her and she was actually very proud of the home she was building. It was the first time in her life she has her name on a lease and that she'd ever had to pick big ticket items, like a couch and a dining table – and for some reason she wanted him to be proud of her too.
He looked at her, smiled and nodded, as if he was saying "This is nice." Rachel looked around trying to imagine herself seeing the living room with his fresh eyes and smiled back. It really was pretty nice.
She also noticed when his eyes found the photos that she'd framed and displayed on a console table: Ross, Ben and Emma, the gang in Central Perk circa 1997, an old photo of the Greens and also one of the Gellers, because they were after all Emma's family too. Rachel saw a little smile curl up on his face, even if he didn't turn to look at her.
"Mom and I shared the sofa bed for a couple of days before my mattress was delivered. I can assure you it's not that bad." She attempted to lighten up the mood, enjoying a small silent window provided by Emma.
Ross had briefly considered staying at a hotel, but Rachel wouldn't have it. The sofa bed wasn't nearly as comfortable as a hotel bed, sure, but Emma was here and that ultimately was something he couldn't argue with. He wanted to enjoy as much time and closeness with her as possible.
He nodded at her and put Emma down on the floor.
"Daddy, see my room!" She demanded and started pulling him by his hand towards her bedroom door.
Ross looked back at Rachel, almost asking for permission to explore her home, and she just smiled back. Emma led the way to the corridor that led to the bedrooms and Rachel followed a few steps behind.
She stood by the doorway and watched as her daughter proudly showed her father her bedroom. It had lilac walls and a canopy bed with white sheer fabric and fairy lights all around it. Bins lining the side of the room were overflowing with toys and there was a huge dollhouse on one corner that could put Monica's to shame.
It was without a doubt the most extravagant room in the apartment – by a mile.
Rachel could see the surprise in Ross' eyes seeing his daughter's bedroom for the first time and she had no excuse; she knew she was overcompensating for everything she had taken away from her.
"I might have got carried away, finally being able to give her own room."
Ross just bobbed his head, turning his attention back to Emma, who had started to introduce him to all of her Barbies. Rachel smiled when Ross knelt down next to her and happily engaged, asking questions about each one of them.
The rest of his first day there was uneventful. They quickly went out to grab something to eat at a restaurant nearby, but the weather was crappy and they had to ditch her plans of taking a scenic stroll. There would be time, Ross assured her, seemingly unbothered.
Emma fell asleep very early at night, visibly drained from using up all of her energy all day with her father. She had even refused to take a nap that afternoon because she didn't want to give up any second with him.
Rachel let him tuck her in by himself that night and was waiting for him outside with a smile and a bottle of wine.
"Hey."
"Oh, hey."
"What do you say we open this thing and catch up now?" She said but noticed how his demeanor didn't change at her suggestion. "It's a good one." She promised, looking at the label.
"I'm just so tired, Rach. It was a long flight, I barely even slept on the plane…"
"Oh."
"Raincheck?" He offered.
"Sure."
They stood there for a few seconds until he quickly kissed her hair and excused himself to the living room.
Rachel woke up late the next morning, she was even surprised when she glanced at the clock on her bedside table. Emma always woke her up much earlier than this, but Rachel quickly remembered that today, for a change, there was another loving parent in the house, who was more than happy to take over for her.
Her suspicions were confirmed when she entered the kitchen and found both of them having breakfast. Emma was munching on some fruit while Ross had some cereal and a cup of coffee.
"Bonjour." Rachel greeted them.
"Oh, morning." Ross reacted slightly surprised because he hadn't heard her coming.
"Hi sweetheart." Rachel added sweetly to Emma and planted a kiss on her hair.
It felt so strange to have someone else taking care of the whole morning routine with Emma for her after doing it all by herself for so long now. But Rachel knew if anyone had the right and skills to relieve her of that duty that person was Ross.
"Emma was hungry, so we just helped ourselves."
"Oh, of course. Make yourself at home, Ross, please. And thanks for letting me sleep in. That hasn't happened in quite a while now."
Ross simply nodded.
"Of course. I want to spend as much time with her as I can."
He looked over at their daughter and noticed she was now stretching her little hands towards him, wordlessly begging to be picked up from her highchair. He smiled and quickly complied.
Rachel poured herself some coffee too and watched father and daughter interact. Ross reached for a plush toy from across the table and handed it to Emma, who hugged it tight and giggled adorably.
"We bought that one last month after she lost her stuffed T-Rex." Rachel explained.
"Oh." Ross reacted and looked at the toy.
"She cried for days when we realized it was gone. She really did like that one, against all my internal wishes." She joked, but Ross only smiled weakly back.
"Too bad."
"So uh… What kind is this one?"
"What?" Ross asked confusedly.
"What kind of dinosaur is it?" She elaborated.
Ross furrowed his brows and looked at Rachel for a few seconds before replying:
"Rachel, this is a dragon."
"Oh." Rachel furrowed her brows and looked at it again. Ross finally chuckled for real. "Are you sure?"
"Mm, yes, I am."
"What's the difference anyway?"
"For starters, dragons don't exist."
"Well, neither do dinosaurs."
Ross glared at her, but he looked more amused than annoyed.
"They did."
"OK." She paused for a few seconds while she thought about it. "Well, I guess you're the expert." She finally conceded.
"Clearly." He agreed.
Rachel laughed lightheartedly, being then followed by Ross.
Suddenly it dawned on her just how absurd the whole thing was, which just made the moment even funnier. Plus, sharing this with him, finally hearing his laughter with hers, just made it even more enjoyable. Their laughter grew louder.
Emma watched both parents looking as confused as ever. But a few seconds later she too joined in, even though she had no idea what was going on.
So, they all laughed and laughed until tears started running down Rachel's cheeks and her stomach started to hurt. It felt like the release they so badly needed.
"Well, I tried." Rachel said after a few minutes, still in between laughs.
"I appreciate that, Rach." He replied truthfully.
Things got better after this playful moment between them. Ross seemed more comfortable; He started looking at her more candidly and smiling more openly. There were times when she could swear that he was in the verge of saying something, something big, but something would still hold him back.
The week went by quickly – too quickly. Emma's nanny had the whole time off because Ross wanted to be with his daughter every waking minute of every single day he was there. On this first visit, he even dismissed visiting the museums on his list, because naturally the toddler didn't care about Monalisas or Monets. Instead, she favored picnics in parcs, street Nutella crepes and afternoon naps with her father – and Ross was there for all of it.
This could have been his last visit to Paris, and he would still have called it a huge success.
Rachel joined them as much as she could, happy to find a balance between spending time with them but also giving the pair a lot of one-on-one moments. She loved the fact she could finally share with him some of the small discoveries she'd made in the past few months that she knew he too would appreciate, like the little bistro which had the best crème brulee she'd ever had, his favorite, or the merry go round that Emma loved so much she even had a preferred horse.
And since Emma couldn't handle staying out too long, they also spent a lot of time at home, and their nights were now much different than the first. They would cook, tuck Emma in together and open a bottle of good wine almost every night. The natural domesticity that arose between them delighted Rachel. It felt nostalgic, a little recall to those few months they lived together just before and after Emma's arrival.
Some evenings they would watch something on TV, but mostly they would simply talk for hours. Ross would still not get into huge details about his life, but they had really good conversations about Emma, the twins, Monica and Chandler and their other friends in NY. Ross shared with her Joey was thinking about moving to L.A., which both thrilled and saddened her at the same time, and Phoebe's plans to get pregnant.
Things got cozy and even flirty on a few occasions, but they always stopped short of crossing any line. For now, it was thrilling enough to know that the spark was still there – the way her heart beated faster when he looked at her with such affection in his eyes made her feel alive. It really was never off the table for them, even now.
On Emma's birthday, Rachel took the whole day off and they took their daughter to the zoo. In the afternoon, they Skyped with Monica and Chandler and had a few phone calls with Phoebe, Joey and their families.
Unfortunately, Ross' parents couldn't afford to come for a visit. Rachel's mom had considered coming again but ended up hurting herself playing tennis with a friend just the week before and was told by her doctor to take it easy for a while. Leonard Green claimed to be busy at the hospital, which concerned Rachel. It looked like her father had made zero changes to his lifestyle post-heart attack, and she worried this would end up badly again. And with her so far away, who would care for him then? Amy, who called to wish a happy birthday to Emmet on the wrong date? Or Jill, who didn't even seem to remember she had a niece?
The Greens were just not a close-knit family and after Rachel had Emma this fact had really started to bother her. She knew the Gellers would all be there in a heartbeat if they could, while the Greens had mostly chosen not to make themselves present – just like in Emma's first birthday.
Still, the family of three had fun. They bought a little cake and macarons and Ross cooked them a nice meal. Rachel got emotional again when she realized just how happy Emma looked. She didn't need sophisticated party decorations or a whole feast. She was at her most content with mommy and daddy simply being there, showering her with so much love and attention.
"She's amazing, isn't she?" Ross commented when they were done tucking her in on his last night there.
Rachel smiled and nodded. She loved how openly he displayed his love for their baby girl.
"She is."
"Thank you for taking such good care of her, Rach." He went on, his voice now quiet, soothing, loving.
Rachel choked up immediately. One of her biggest fears after leaving was that he would grow bitter of her for taking their daughter away from him. To have him instead standing there and thanking her…
Her eyes filled up with tears and her words got caught in her throat, reluctant to come out. It suddenly dawned on her that he would be gone the next day. The house would once again fall quiet after Emma's bedtime and she would need to content herself with his image on a computer screen, his voice over a telephone. It was not nearly enough.
And if it wasn't enough for her, it was even less for their daughter.
Ross' smile faded when the tears Rachel was fighting hard to hold back started to fall.
"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
Rachel sobbed and chuckled at the same time, thinking of how insane she must look.
"No, I'm sorry. Thank you. I'm just… emotional, that's all. I can't believe you're leaving tomorrow already."
His eyes also turned sad, reality sinking in for him as well.
"I know. It went by too fast."
"It did." She brushed some tears away from her cheeks. "You were our first visit here and God knows when this will happen again, with you or anyone else."
And with that new realization fresh tears followed, and Rachel couldn't help herself anymore. She brought a hand to her mouth and sobbed. Ross sighed and carefully embraced her. They hugged tight and she cried freely onto his chest, finally admitting to herself just how alone she's been feeling for the past four months.
"I'll try to come more often." He vowed and kissed the top of her head. "I really miss my girls."
My girls.
Butterflies fluttered in her stomach.
Rachel nodded into his chest and wished she could find the words to explain just how much she missed him too.
"Me too." She said simply. "We'll come and visit soon too. I promise."
It's strange to write a story where so many days happen in the same chapter, which is why this is taking so long. But I don't want to make the story longer and slowdown the timeline, so you're just going to have to be patient with me. My personal life has been busy too, so there's that. But I'm working on this – slowly but surely!
Let me know what you think so far. The first chapter was so well received now I'm worrying I won't be able to live up to the expectation, lol.
