Home is Not a Place
Rachel took a moment to herself before mustering up the courage to knock. On the other side of the door, she could already hear her friends laughing and she could even smell the delicious feast that awaited her: Monica's perfectly moist turkey, the chocolate pie from that amazing bakery at Bleeker and even Chandler's "chanberry" sauce.
It was all going to be wonderful, of course. But it's been a few months now and she couldn't help but feel a bit nervous.
She glanced down at her daughter, who looked confused as to why they were just standing there, but waited patiently nonetheless. This would be the infant's third Thanksgiving now, but probably the first she would truly be able to enjoy – in more ways than one. The fact that this was their first visit since moving to Paris would make this occasion even more memorable for all.
Emma's big eyes grew curious when her mother knelt down next to her and smiled widely.
"Are you ready to see everyone, sweetheart?"
Emma smiled back.
"Yes!" She squealed.
Rachel stroked her honey-colored shoulder-length hair and smoothed down her little pink jacket. She was so happy her friends would finally see her daughter again. She was so proud of the sweet little girl she was growing into, so attentive, smart and polite. She was also excited to see the twins again, as well as all of her friends. Even Joey had flown in this morning and so this would be the first time they would all be together again in six months.
"OK, here we go."
Knock-Knock.
"I'll get it." A female voice she couldn't identify said on the other side.
Rachel furrowed her brows in confusion, and soon enough the door opened to reveal a face she really did not know.
"Hi." The tall, beautiful woman greeted them with a hint of uncertainty.
"Hello." Rachel matched her in tone. Who was this person opening the door in her best friends' house?
"May I help you?"
Rachel wanted to scoff because excuse me?! It was weird enough to have to knock at Monica's door, let alone having to explain herself this stranger.
"Is this Monica and Chandler's house?" She asked politely instead, managing to hold her frustration in.
"Yes."
"May I see them?" Her tone became a little more annoyed.
"Are they expecting you?"
And that was the last straw – especially after an eight-hour flight.
"OK, who the hell are you?"
"I'm Monica's best friend." She replied coolly. "And you?"
Rachel finally scoffed.
"Rachel Green, Monica's oldest friend in the whole world."
The woman shook her head.
"Doesn't ring any bells."
Rachel gritted her teeth.
"Well, we've known each other since we were like 7. We went to high school together. We were roommates for five years. I am the mother of her niece." At that last part, she pointed down to little Emma and the woman's gaze lowered to notice her. Slowly, a hint of recognition filled her eyes and she nodded.
"Oh, you're Emma's mother."
"Yes, I'm Emma's mother."
"What's going on, sweetie?"
The door opened a bit wider, and Rachel saw Ross join the woman's side – and the way he called her did not go unnoticed either.
"Ross." She said half relieved, but half very much surprised.
"Oh, hey Rachel." His demeanor seemed unchanged, and Rachel's heart completely sank when he placed one of his hands on the woman's hip.
"Daddy!" Emma exclaimed and rushed over to hug his legs tightly.
Rachel fought the urge to hold her back, as Ross simply used his free hand to pat her on the head like one would to a dog. It was one thing for him to show contempt for her, but for their daughter? Rachel wanted to scream, it was all too much to take.
Before she could react, however, Monica and Chandler showed up by the door as well.
"Hey, what's happening here?"
Rachel felt some relief wash over her because certainly her friends would help turn this madness around.
"Oh, hi you guys!"
She hugged them and they slowly hugged her back, but Rachel could feel them all exchanging glances with one another.
"Hi Rachel." Chandler said.
She broke the hug and looked at them.
"Oh, God, that's right." Monica finally reacted, looking surprised. "I'm sorry, we forgot you were coming. I guess we can add another seat to the table as long as nobody wants seconds."
"You forgot?"
Monica shrugged.
"It happens."
Rachel scoffed again.
"What the hell is the matter with you all?!" She shouted. "I just flew across the ocean to see you and you didn't even remember I was coming? You don't even care that we're here?"
Monica scoffed right back.
"Well, excuse me, but what did you expect, Rachel? You left us six months ago and this is the first time you care to show up, even though you promised you would visit all the time! I'm sorry if we happened to move on and replace you."
Rachel gasped softly at her choice of words, just as Phoebe and Joey showed up.
"Joey, Phoebe! Surely you don't feel the same way, do you?"
Phoebe narrowed her eyes at her.
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
Rachel gasped again and turned to Joey, who looked like he was checking her out.
"How you doin'?"
"You've already dated her, Joe." Ross said casually, still more interested in the lady in his arms than the toddler holding on to his legs still begging for his attention.
"Oh. Was it hot?" He asked Rachel.
Rachel covered her mouth and sobbed – and she noticed when Monica rolled her eyes at that.
"Listen, are you staying or not?" Her "best friend" asked impatiently.
Enough was enough. Rachel sighed, gathered up her self-respect and pulled Emma away from her father. The little girl started crying loudly, raising her little arms out towards her unfazed father.
"No, we're leaving."
"Of course. It's what you do best, isn't it?" Ross said and Rachel could feel her heart breaking in two right then and there, in front of the people she thought loved her the most in the world.
"It was nice to meet you, Rachel." The tall woman said, looking cozy in Ross' arms and among her friends. "Thank you for your life."
Rachel's eyes snapped open.
God. God, oh God, why did that feel so real? Why did so many of her dreams lately feel so uncomfortably, unbearably real?
She was traveling to the United States the next day for her first visit since the move to Paris and she was a pile of nerves. She knew it was going to be wonderful – nothing like the literal nightmare she's just had. But she still worried because of course things wouldn't be the same.
For over 10 years, this was the longest she's been away from her friends and a lot must have changed in this period of time. She was so excited to see them, but couldn't help but feel a bit apprehensive also, especially after everything that had happened between her and Ross since his visit, a couple of months ago.
Things were so good with them for a while. Following his return to the US, their calls became longer, more intimate and Rachel finally felt like they were not just for Emma anymore. Letting him into her new world had changed things – because he'd witnessed her life in Paris firsthand, it somehow made him seem closer than before. When she mentioned the guy with the funny mustache from the café down the street, for example, he knew exactly what she was talking about. This made him feel a part of this new universe of hers.
They also finally talked about him, or at least more than they had before. One night he casually, though she suspected very much intentionally, let her know he wasn't seeing anyone, and it didn't take very long for him to book his next visit. Rachel was ecstatic and couldn't help but wonder about them in a way that she hadn't allowed herself to do for a couple of years now.
But then things changed.
It started small: a rushed phone conversation here, a cancelled Skype call there. Then just days before his arrival, the news that he wasn't coming anymore.
"I'll explain when you're here." He'd told her simply.
And it was petty, but part of her wanted to cancel her Thanksgiving trip too just to get even with him. Of course, this thought only crossed her mind fleetingly, like a childish reflex. She was much too excited to see her friends and family again to truly consider calling this off. Plus, Emma wanted – needed – to see him, as did Rachel.
But the way he suddenly felt so distant again hurt her so much. On the next few times when they did speak, Emma started commanding most of their calls, while Rachel's eyes wandered to inspect every little detail on the background over his shoulder, fishing for clues that would tell her more about his life than he did. It terrified her more than anything to one day see a purse on the table behind him or hear a girlish laugh offscreen.
After all, in her mind him having found someone was the most plausible explanation for the sudden shift in his behavior. And it made sense: Ross was such a romantic and emotionally dependent person; she knew it was only a matter of time before he fell in love with someone new. As bad at flirting as he was, he always managed to get girls. Beautiful, sophisticated girls, like Mona and Charlie.
Rachel started feeling foolish for putting a part of her life on hold in Paris because of him. What had been keeping her from meeting men here but her wondering about the possibility of them? A possibility that seemed so farfetched when she remembered they lived in completely different continents now.
So, she started dating. First, a lawyer a co-worker of hers set her up with. They had dinner a couple of times, but it didn't go very well. Too pretentious and into his looks, she thought. Guys who were too handsome could be like that.
But then one sunny Saturday she met Hugo on the playground where she usually took Emma. After her daughter unwarrantedly pushed his son on the line for the slides, both parents rushed over to intervene.
In her poor French, Rachel struggled to apologize and explain the little girl had been acting up lately – undoubtedly rebelling because she missed her father.
"That's OK", he'd answered in English, since her accent left little doubt as to where she was from. "Divorces can be hard on the children, I am well aware."
"Oh, we weren't married. I mean, we were, but we got divorced way before she was born and then-" Rachel stopped herself when she realized she was babbling about her personal life to a stranger on a playground, surrounded by curious toddlers. She sighed and refocused. "Anyway, I'm sorry."
Then she felt his eyes on her, admiring her, and she finally noticed him back. Tall, attractive, sophisticated.
"I'm Hugo, by the way." He introduced himself with an extended hand.
Rachel's cab left her in front of Monica and Chandler's house in Westchester with her large suitcase and a sleeping Emma. After she paid, the driver helped her by bringing the luggage to the doorstep and she was still struggling to get both her daughter and her shoulder bag out from the backseat when the front door opened, and Joey rushed out.
"You're here!"
Rachel opened a huge smile when her friend engulfed them into a tight hug.
"Oh, Joey!"
"Maman!" Emma mumbled, whining at being disturbed.
"Pardon sweetie, but we're here! Say hi to Uncle Joey!"
The little girl opened her eyes and inspected Joey quickly but didn't say anything. Instead, she turned her head to the other side and clung to her mother tighter.
"I'm sorry, honey, she's tired. It's a long flight." She explained to Joey, who nodded with understanding. With so many nieces and nephews, he knew exactly how sleepy children could behave.
"Hey, no worries. We got all weekend to bond, kiddo!"
Rachel smiled again and they started approaching the house together. Before they could reach the front door though, Monica and Chandler appeared, each holding one of the twins and both smiling widely at their friend.
"Oh my God, you guys!"
Rachel couldn't help but tear up. This was the warm, sweet welcome she wanted.
"Guys, meet your little cousin Emma." Monica said, holding little Jack's little hand and shaking it a little. "And your Aunt Rachel, who you've met very briefly before."
"Hi Aunt Rachel, cousin Emma!" Chandler mimicked Erica's little voice, also waving her tiny little hand to them.
Emma turned her head to the other side again to see everybody, but still kept the side of her face pressed against her mother's chest. She looked at the babies with interest though and gave them a small wave back. Rachel smiled and kissed the top of her head, so proud of her for engaging.
After all hellos were made, they walked in, and Rachel looked around.
"Wow, you guys. What a wonderful home you've built."
Monica and Chandler exchanged looks and smiled.
"Yeah, it's coming together nicely."
"You need to see my room, Rach!" Joey said excited, the same way a kid would.
Rachel chuckled and nodded.
"Sure, honey." She then looked around and couldn't help but notice a very specific absence. "Where's Ross?" She couldn't help but ask, since she was under the impression he would already be there when she arrived.
"He just hopped into the shower, he should be out soon."
"Did you hear that, honey? Daddy's already here!" She told Emma, who finally gave her a little coy smile that reminded Rachel so much of Ross. Her heart skipped a beat and she turned her attention back to Monica. "And uh… Are we expecting anybody else?"
She asked because she couldn't shake off her dream 100% quite yet.
"Why? Are we not enough for you?" Monica joked and Rachel chuckled.
"I was just wondering."
"Well, Phoebe and Mike are on their way and Carol and Susan are bringing Ben by later, but that's it."
Relief. Then Rachel turned to Emma again and smiled.
"Your father and your brother? Wow, Emma, you got lots to be thankful for, huh?"
"Hey."
She looked up to notice that Ross had just walked down the stairs.
"Oh, hi."
Emma turned her head around quickly and smiled at her father.
"Hi Emma!"
This time she neither squealed right away nor did she run to him without missing a beat. Rachel thought she was just tired and probably intimidated by being around so many people she didn't remember very well, in a place where she's never been before – and she really hoped Ross got to that same conclusion.
So, he took the lead and approached them, extending his arms towards Emma. Rachel felt so relieved when the little girl accepted this gesture and extended her own little arms towards him too so he could pick her up.
She giggled adorably when he kissed her repeatedly and tickled her little belly.
"Daddy!"
"Oh, Emma. I missed you so much."
Rachel smiled and observed him. Physically, he looked the same. His hair was slightly wet from the shower and he was wearing a red sweater, which she always loved on him. But her trained eyes could see beneath the surface, and she noticed an air of sadness around him.
"I'll explain when you're here", he'd told her.
And then her resentment turned to worry.
She looked at her friends and noticed they were all transfixed by the scene before them between father and daughter. Something was definitely up.
"Guys, what's going on?" She couldn't help but ask right away, with urgency in her voice.
They all turned to look at her, but nobody answered.
"Joey, can you take the kids, please?" Ross requested solemnly.
"Oh, sure. Emma, do you wanna come and see the twin's room? They have tons of toys; we can play while I tell you stories of when you were a baby!"
Emma looked at Joey and then at her mother, as if asking her what to do. Rachel sighed and forced a smile, nodding to her little girl.
"Doesn't that sound fun, Emma? Playtime with Uncle Joey, just like old times."
"OK." The little girl agreed, thankfully. Maybe deep down she still did remember her fun Uncle Joe.
Within a few minutes, Joey left with the kids and the others moved to the family room, where they could have more comfort and privacy. Rachel's heart was beating out of her chest, not knowing what to expect.
Monica and Ross exchanged looks and he nodded to his sister, who took the lead.
"Shortly after you left, dad was diagnosed with cancer."
Rachel's eyes grew bigger in surprise, and she gasped softly.
"What?" She asked with a small voice.
"It seemed like it wouldn't be a big deal at first. He had a surgery, started treatment and… well, and then just recently we discovered that it's not going to be as simple as we initially thought."
"But how – what, I mean… How's he doing?" Rachel didn't know what to ask first.
"It's not good." Ross finally said, a somber tone in his voice.
"Mom and Dad are in Maui right now." Monica took over again. "They'll be back tomorrow because they want to see Emma."
Rachel nodded, still trying to digest the big news she's just received.
"OK."
"And that's not all." Monica continued and Rachel furrowed her brows.
More? There was more?
"Since this whole thing started, it's been a marathon of doctor's appointments, medications on a set schedule... Which led us to notice how mom's been… forgetful lately." Monica sighed and went on. "She's now been diagnosed with Alzheimer's."
Rachel's jaw dropped a little and she didn't know how to react.
She had so many questions, but she wasn't sure whether she could even ask them all. Had they gone on this trip to celebrate life before it started to fall apart? How bad was this thing with Judy – did she still remember Emma? Could this be Jack's last time seeing his granddaughter?
And why hadn't they told her this whole thing before?
"How are you guys feeling?" She asked them instead.
"Trying the one day at a time approach." Monica said simply and Rachel noticed how supportively Chandler had been holding her hand this entire time.
Then she turned her attention to Ross, sitting on an armchair by himself, elbows on his knees, gaze fixed on the floor.
"Ross?" She asked.
"I'm fine."
He was fine. Of course, she knew exactly what that meant: he was anything but fine.
Her heart dropped.
While she was feeding her growing frustration with him and going out with handsome Frenchmen, he was being a dutiful son and going through all of this "alone".
Rachel scooted over on the couch so she could sit closer to his armchair. She reached over and took one of his hands on hers, giving it a tight squeeze. Ross nodded slowly and then his eyes finally left the floor to meet hers. It was all the encouragement she needed to fling herself onto his arms and give him a tight hug, because a simple hand holding just wouldn't do.
"I'm so sorry." She whispered to him softly.
She felt him nod slightly – as well as quiet hot tears starting to damper the front of her blouse.
They tried to make the rest of the day as cheerful as they could. Though they now had kids and Phoebe's husband in the mix, it still felt as close as possible to what they used to have before – and it felt so good to relive it. It was almost like she'd never left, their easy dynamic was still the same.
Rachel enjoyed a quiet downtown between dinner and dessert to finally have a little private chat with Ross. He was holding a sleeping Emma while sitting on the couch, just quietly admiring her little face. Rachel sipped her wine from a distance just observing them, until Ross looked up and noticed her.
"Hey."
She smiled weakly at him.
"Hey."
Ross looked down at Emma again.
"It doesn't matter how often I see her on the computer screen, it's still a shock to see in person how quickly she's growing up."
"Right?" Rachel sighed. "You know, she refuses to accept my help for most things these days. And, God, you should listen to her speaking French. It's the cutest thing in the world, she's getting so good at it." Rachel smiled weakly at Ross again. "Smart just like daddy."
Ross smiled weakly back and then back down at Emma.
"And still gorgeous like mommy."
Rachel felt a wave of warmth wash over her, mixed in with the easiness brought on by the wine and the melancholy of the news still processing in her head. She slowly took a seat on the couch right next to them and put one hand on his thigh.
"Ross, why didn't you tell me any of this before?"
Ross looked down and sighed.
"I know this is not about me." She continued. "I'm not trying to make this about me. But I just… I wish I'd known. I hate that you've been going through this by yourself and there was nothing I could do."
"Rach, there was nothing you could do." He explained patiently. "I didn't want to worry you. At first, we didn't think it would be a huge deal and I wanted to wait until we had something more concrete to say. But then the bad news came, both of them… And you already had your trip here planned, so I thought it was best to wait and do this in person."
"Everything makes so much sense now. How it took you so long to come and see us, how mysterious you were being. Then how distant you became these last few weeks…"
Ross took a deep breath and shook his head.
"I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry!"
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Rach."
But she did, she thought to herself.
She took his free hand on hers.
"Don't keep these things from me anymore, Ross. Please. You know I love your parents. They're like family to me too."
Ross nodded.
"OK."
Monica appeared on the doorway and watched them for a few seconds. Rachel then noticed just how close she was sitting next to Ross, hand still placed on his thigh, now interlaced with his.
"We got pie and ice cream in the kitchen if anybody's interested." Her friend said simply.
Later that evening, Rachel was with Monica in Erica and Jack's room, helping her with the twins. She couldn't help but rock little Jack gently for a few minutes before putting him down in his crib, even though he was already fast asleep.
"They're so beautiful, Mon. It feels like forever ago since Emma was this small."
She then looked at Monica, who also put Erica down and nodded.
"Yeah, she's looking so big and beautiful."
But the distance in Monica's voice told Rachel that her mind was not 100% focused on her words.
"Hey, honey." Rachel grabbed her friend's hand. "How are you doing?"
Monica looked thoughtful for a few seconds.
"It's still surreal, you know?"
"I can imagine. I'm so sorry this is happening to you guys. And I'm sorry I haven't been around to help with, I don't know, support I guess?"
Monica nodded.
"It's OK, Rach. Mm, we'll be OK."
Rachel gave her hand a squeeze.
"How's Ross really doing?"
Monica simply looked at her friend for a few seconds before she finally replied.
"Rachel… I promised myself a long time ago I wouldn't get involved in whatever happened between you and Ross anymore. But… He's my brother and with everything that's been going on lately, I just…" She trailed off. "I'm not exactly sure what happened just before you left or where things are now with you two, but he's really vulnerable right now. We all are. So just… Be careful, OK?"
Rachel was a little taken aback by her words because Monica really did not usually get involved when it came to them. Not anymore, anyway. But she didn't even consider fighting her on this because of course Monica had every right to say that to her, especially under the current circumstances. So, instead, she just nodded her head.
"OK."
Monica then gave her hand a little shake and tried to give her a small smile.
"Now come on. The kids are all down and we still have a lot to catch up on. Despite everything that's been going on, I'm so happy you're here, Rach."
Rachel smiled weakly back and embraced her best friend into a hug.
"It's good to be here."
I might regret not giving this another read before posting it, but oh well. There will always be something that needs tweaking no matter how many times I read, so let's just get this over with.
This story is sort of taking a life of its own, as I predicted it could. I'm still not sure what next chapter will be and how many will follow, to be honest. I guess I'll think about it for a few days.
If you have any suggestions or feedback, those are always welcome :) Thank you for following and hopefully next one won't take so long!
